We sat in my room until Zack from All Time Low came and knocked on the door. He nodded his head toward the stairs signaling us to go down to eat dinner. I had given Ryleigh her gift which was a shirt and I bought her a few pieces of candy. Ryleigh had not ate her candy which was a little weird I thought. I watched her trying to read her body language couldn't. I watched her body language change with Zack though. As everyone walked down stairs I went to dad's off and grabbed a guitar off the wall. It was just a random acoustic guitar, I must have not been noticed or missed because I didn't hear any shouts for my name.
After a while of being in the upstairs area where dad keeps some of his guitars I heard a knock on the door. It's as Jack, he pointed at the door handle. I had locked the door when I came in here out of habit. I got up and unlocked the door. Jack walked in and sat down on the chair beside me, I looked at him with confused eyes.
"You and Beckett huh?"
I nodded my head picking the guitar back up and began to strum different notes on dad's guitar. Jack kept watching me skeptically as to what I was hiding. He sighed and put a hand on my back and began to rub my back in a comforting way.
"I know I'm not Alex, but I am here for you if you need anything we all are." He said before getting up and standing at the door.
"Wait," I croaked out causing him to spin on his heels.
"I'm sorry." It came out rough and crackly.
I felt the tears prick at my eyes and I didn't even know what I was crying about or over anymore. Jack opened his arms and took my small body in his own. He let me put my head into his chest and just cried. Jack kept rubbing my back and that is when I noticed just how small I had gotten. I had always been a small statured person, and I was always skinny but now I was like bones. I kept feeling jacks hand on the back of my rib cage and that kind of bothered me but the voice in my head told me I still wasn't good enough.
Alex knocked on the door and jiggled the door handle coming in. He looked at my frail body and then my tear stained cheeks. He opened his arms for me as well and I moved into them. Alex was always really warm. I put my arms up into the back of his jacket and held onto the back of his shirt. He and Jack just allowed me to have my moment and cry everything out. Once I had finally stopped and we wiped the tears away. Rian had come out searching for the other half of his band. He was truly the parent of them all I swear to god.
"Hey where have you guys been?" He says from the middle of the stairs.
"Don't worry about it Rain." Alex says and keeps a hand on my back as I walk down the steps.
Beckett had ended up leaving without saying goodbye. Ryleigh and Zack were cuddled up on the sofa. Mom and Dad were talking to each other. Rian looked at my face analyzing it for a moment before letting it click in. The red cheeks, puffy eyes, the really deep green color.
"Have you been crying?" He said and placed both hands on my face to get a good look at me.
Ryleigh had changed positions and got up to come look at me. Maybe my mind was playing games on me but it seemed like Ryleigh was smiling while inside I didn't know why I was dying. She put a hand on my arm and I pulled it away.
"Logan," She whispered and tried to grab my arm again.
I took a step backwards running into Alex's hand and Jack's body. She looked at me confused. I wanted to dart back upstairs but that wasn't happening. I was so upset with myself Beckett had left without saying goodbye which really hurt my feelings. I didn't get to kiss him goodbye or tell him to tell Kolbi I missed her. I started to feel my world spin around me as I scrunched my eyebrows together and desperately looked up at the ceiling light. I felt my chest tighten and I knew I couldn't do anything now other than ride it out.
"Logan..." I heard someones voice I knew their hands though it was dad.
I quickly wrapped my arms around his neck and held on so tight to him. I rode out the panic attack and just clung to him. Once my breathing had calmed my heart rate still had not. Rian looked at me concerned while Alex and Jack gave me eyes of sorrow and pity. I didn't want that, what the fuck am I becoming. I got up and walked toward the stairs stumbling as Ryleigh grabbed my arm.
"Logan, I just want to-"
I ripped my arms out of her hands leaving fingernail marks in my arm. I then turned around shoving her. Zack stood up defensively. Alex, Jack, Rian, mom, and dad all watched a little surprised.
'Stop acting like your my friend. All you do it pity me. I don't want your fucking pity. I want my best friend the one who we told everything. I don't even fucking know who you are anymore. You just left me and-" I was signing to fast everything seemed red in my mind.
"You are blaming me! You are blaming me!" Ryleigh seethed through her teeth before making a fist.
It wouldn't be the first time Ryleigh and I would have a psychical fight. I just didn't want to be the one on bottom this time. I looked at her fist.
'what just like the past you going to hit me and tell me to 'fucking grow up' I sign and she stopped.
"No, I am not." She kept making a fist and then letting her hand dangle.
I shoved her again backing her into the living room. Dad got up and moved closer to me. Why am I doing this. Why am I hurt my best friend. Zack also stepped closer almost to get in between me and Ryleigh.
"You know what Logan you are pathetic." She said and I stopped looking at her.
"You are a pathetic, whiny little child who was so over fucking privileged. You don't know what is like not knowing who your family is. you don't know what is like to want to bad and have to beg it off your best friends and hope they don't look at you differently. Also that boy, that stupid tight ass private school, privileged asshole changed you. You are now some whipped bitch who I don't fucking know anymore. But then again maybe I never knew you!" She screamed at me as I stood there I felt nothing I was numb listening to her.
"What no tears? No, I take it back, I am sorry?" She went to continue as Alex finally spoke up.
"Alright Ry stop this has-"
"No she deserves to hear it. It's not like we actually like you? You think we are just your friends no. We were asked by your proud parents over there to make sure you don't kill yourself until they can get you into rehab." She said looking at me still furious as hell.
"So kiss your petty ass boyfriend goodbye the life you knew because you are nothing. Nothing to me, to my family, to my friends." She continued and that's when I felt my tears roll down my cheeks.
Zack finally put his hand over Ryleigh's mouth stopping her as I looked around the room.
'is it true?' I signed and no one even dared to look at me or blink.
I kept looking for some sign of anything. I got nothing though I began to feel like I couldn't breathe again. Dad took a step toward me.
"Don't touch me." I croaked out the words and it hurt so much to talk.
"I-I didn't know you were-" He stuttered.
"Yeah there is a lot but send me off anyway." I said gasping for air as I felt he feeling subside.
"That's not why we are doing it, you know that right?"
I shook my head and began to walk upstairs. I went into my room slid all the stuff from the top of my dresser off onto the floor. Rian had followed me upstairs. I took the pillows off my bed throwing them at the wall and mirrors finally one mirror began to fall off the wall and shattered all around. There was class between myself and Rian. I looked at him feeling so conflicted.
"I-I don't want to die, I just want to be n-n-norm-normal. I-I-" I spoke softly and it came out faint and in waves of sound and what sounded like very breathy words.
"I know. I know it hurts but it's going to get better Logan. I promise you everything going on now when you are my age isn't going to matter." He said and I looked at the glass.
There were little shards that didn't sparkle and then shards big enough to piece together and try and create a new mirror. I saw the devil herself in the mirror. The one who killed Tommy, the one who killed Tobias, the one who was killing herself. It smiled back at me though I didn't smile at it.
"Don't send me away please." I begged Rian knowing it was no use as he stepped around the glass to wrap me in a hug on the floor.
"There is only so much more anyone can do Logan. Don't you want this to just be over?" He asked looking me dead in the eyes.
I shook my head no and began to hysterically sob onto his shoulder while he muttered something I finally made out to be:
"I'll see what I can do. I promise."
Even now though, those words didn't feel like enough. I promised Tobias I'd get better. I promised Tyler I'd stop. I promised Beckett I'd always be around. What if promises were never going to be enough to keep her away? What if I was never going to be good enough? What then?