Harry just stared at me, not saying a word, and I looked away, clearing my throat to try to ease the embarrassment caused by what I'd just dared to tell him.
I glanced down at the green grass in front of me, thinking of something to say to move on from that situation. I could feel my words settle in deeper and deeper between us with every new second of silence that went by, and I knew that if I hadn't said something anytime soon I wouldn't have been able to ever escape them.
"We should probably go back soon, so that we'll get there before it gets dark" I then said, trying to act as nonchalantly as possible, only daring to send him a little glance.
He stopped picking at the strand of grass he'd been playing with for the last few seconds and looked up at me, an unreadable look taking over his face for a couple of instants before he gave me a nod.
I went back to looking at the notepad on my lap, for some reason feeling as if my attempt at making the situation less awkward had only made it more awkward. Realising that shutting up definitely wouldn't have been a bad idea, I decided to concentrate on my sketch for a bit and hope that in a few minutes the situation would've become less tense.
I focused on the grass and on Harry's shadow on it for a while, ending up making it way more detailed than I normally would've, taking my time with it and telling myself it was to make sure it was absolutely perfect, and not because I just didn't want to face the embarrassment again.
I knew that if I'd looked at him I would've found him already staring at me with that indecipherable look that almost always seemed to be on his face, and I wasn't sure I would've been able to handle that in that moment. He tended to be way more intense than I would've liked him to be at times.
I tried my best to drag it on for as long as I could, but when I started shading every single stem of grass I knew I had to acknowledge Harry's presence again.
I sighed and glanced at him, discovering that he was looking ahead into the trees, a neutral look on his face, leaning back on his hands. I furrowed my eyebrows, looking at him a bit more attentively. I couldn't tell if he was looking at something in particular, or if he was only staring in that direction so that he wouldn't look somewhere else.
He didn't even falter when I turned my head to him, and I wondered if he'd noticed it at all, or if he was so transfixed by what he was looking at that he hadn't even realised I was looking at him. I tilted my head a bit.
Still to that day, he had one of the best side profiles I'd ever seen. His eyelashes were long, the warm brown of them complimenting the olive green of his eyes in ways I hadn't thought were possible. His usually light eyes appeared to be a bit darker than usual because of the slight shadow he was sitting under, the tone of green seeming warmer too. I'd always loved the way his eyes changed colour depending on the light they were under, that had always been a little detail that had made me want to do a lot of different things with him just so that I could see the way the colour of his irises changed under different kinds of illumination.
I pursed my lips, looking at him for a couple of seconds more before hesitantly moving to kneel in front of him. He gave me a slightly confused glance, but didn't make a move, resorting to just looking up at me.
I tentatively put my hand under his chin, raising it slowly, holding my breath when his dark pink lips parted at my touch. "Looks better like this" I said under my breath before going back to my original place.
I sat down so that I was facing him and bent my knees, putting the black notepad on my thighs before glancing at Harry.
I only managed to draw a line on the paper sheet before his lips slowly curved up in a smile, that quickly blossomed in a real one, his dimples showing more than ever before.
I hid behind the notepad at the absurdity of the situation, letting out a little laugh, that was followed by a chuckle on his side. "Why did you have to make me laugh, that was actually a good picture" I told him without thinking, and he turned his head to look at me, the boyish smile from before still on his face, making his eyes crinkle up.
"Sorry" he just said, but it was easy to tell that he didn't really mean it.
I just shook my head, smiling so wide that my cheeks were starting to hurt. It was beautiful to see Harry smile, and I knew I was definitely enjoying it more than I should've. It just made me happy to see him happy. Happiness looked beautiful on him, it made his eyes light up and his whole being shine from within. I'd never thought someone could make joy look so magnificent. When it came to him, delight was much more than just an emotion. It was a way of being, so bright and joyful that one would've thought he'd never seen a sad day before.
"Alright, you win" I told him, closing the notepad and putting it into the pocket of my coat, making sure that he could see I was putting it away. I glanced at him again when I was done and furrowed my eyebrows when I noticed that he'd changed position and seemed to be a bit tenser than before. "Are you cold?" I asked him, taking into consideration the fact that he was only wearing a cream coloured shirt, that definitely seemed to be way too thin to be the only piece of garment to protect him from the slightly warmer, but still cold, air that was surrounding us.
He gave me a shrug. "A little, but my coat is too warm" he said, glancing at the black coat between us for a second.
"Maybe we should go back now" I suggested, not wanting Harry to freeze just for us to stay out there a while longer - it didn't matter how beautiful that place was. "We would've had to, anyway. Besides, lunchtime has already passed and we haven't eaten anything" I added, trying to convince him.
He went silent for some seconds, seeming to evaluate the suggestion before giving me a slight nod. "We can do that" he replied, and I smiled to myself.
"Thank you for taking me here by the way" I told him, "it was really thoughtful of you. Kind of crazy, too, for deciding to go on a two hour and half drive out of nowhere." I glanced away from him. "I'd missed it, honestly."
"The place?" He asked softly, and I smiled a bit at his suggestion. Of course he'd misunderstand it and think I was thinking about something as trivial as the place we were in in that moment.
I shook my head. "The way being in your company makes me feel" I replied, being a bit more honest than I should've probably been, but not exactly regretting it right away. I'd chosen to tell him that, anyway.
"How does it make you feel?" He asked, furrowing his eyebrows, as if he just couldn't understand what I was talking about.
"Just... happy" I said, giving him a shrug, "hopeful, carefree." I looked away from him, knowing that I wouldn't have been able to be as truthful as I wanted to be if I'd kept looking at him. "It's nice."
"You make me feel in that way too" Harry told me, and my head snapped in his direction at his words. Of all the things he could've said, I definitely hadn't expected him to say that one.
I just stared at him, not knowing what to say nor what I was supposed to say, and so opting for saying nothing. If there was one thing that Harry had taught me, it was that silence always was an acceptable answer.
We stayed in that position for some seconds, and then he just cleared his throat, slightly turning his head towards me. "We should go" he only said, before standing up and taking his coat from the ground.
I nodded, eager to escape the embarrassing situation we'd just fallen in, and I stood up as well. "Sure."
I waited next to him while he seemed to be concentrated on assessing the state of his coat - or avoid the situation - and was only able to breathe again when we started walking back towards the car.
"Go ahead" I told him, stopping just out of the woods and waiting until he was far enough from me to take a picture with the camera of my phone, taking a couple more from different distances before putting the device back into the pocket of my coat. "Wait for me!" I said out loud before running towards him, automatically taking his arm to stop myself when I was close enough to him.
He glanced at me, a little smile on his lips, and I let out a little laugh to hide the fact that I was completely out of breath after that short run.
"Sorry" I told him, letting go of him quickly even though I hadn't exactly minded being that close to him for once. "Should we stop at our town to get something to eat?" I asked.
It was a rather innocent question, but Harry's reply made it clear that there was nothing good about it. "No" he replied fast, seeming to instantly become more nervous and putting some distance between us. "I haven't been there since I left, just, no."
"Okay" I was quick to reply, not wanting him to panic over something as simple as a question. "I was only asking. We don't have to go there, we can stop somewhere else" I reassured him. At that point, I started wondering if he'd told me everything about his situation with his adoptive family, or if he'd avoided speaking about some things because we weren't that close anymore. Was he that panicked about it because of what had happened between them while I was still there mixed with the fact that he hadn't seen them in years, or was there more about it? I wished I knew, but I also knew I would've never dared to ask him about it. It wasn't like it would've been useful, anyway. If there was one thing I knew about Harry, it was that he never told anyone anything unless he specifically wanted to, so asking him myself would've only brought him to distance himself from me.
He only nodded in reply, and we didn't say another word until we reached the car.
When we did, we got inside, and I side-glanced at Harry as he fumbled with his ring of keys to get the right one, his movements quick, messy and unsure.
I instinctively put my hand over his, trying to stop it from shaking like that. "Take it easy, Harry" I told him gently. "I was only asking. It was only a suggestion, we really don't have to go there."
"I know" he replied, seeming to calm down a bit at my words. "It's only that-" he then started to say, but interrupted himself quickly. "Never mind."
I was a bit confused by his behaviour, but I gave him a nod anyway, letting go of his hand. "We can just stop in the next town" I told him, wanting to get the point across. We really didn't have to go if he didn't want to go. I'd never wanted him to react like that, it'd only been a suggestion - nothing more.
"Okay" he just said, taking a deep breath and finally managing to get his keys and turn on the car, not saying a single word as he drove out of the spot he'd parked in.
I too decided to stay in silence, supposing that, considering what had just happened, he would've enjoyed it more than any kind of conversation we would've had. I just couldn't understand why he'd reacted like that, and it unsettled me way more than I would've liked to admit. I simply wanted him to be fine, and he'd seemed to be, most of the time at least, until that moment. That didn't look like being fine at all, and I didn't know how to handle it.
It didn't take us long to go into town, thankfully. It was way closer to that place than our own town had been, anyway, so it also made sense for us to go there.
Not wanting to waste too much time on food, we decided to get a pizza at the first takeout place we found and eat it sitting on the hood of his car after parking it on the side of a seemingly forgotten by everyone little road a bit out of the city.
It was one of the oddest things I'd ever done and it did stress me out quite a lot to have to make sure the hood and windshield of Harry's car would've stayed perfectly clean, but I definitely enjoyed it - maybe even a bit more than I should've.
Harry always has the weirdest ideas, and it was probably one of the things I enjoyed the most about him. I couldn't tell if I just enjoyed the things we did, or if I enjoyed them simply because he was the one I was doing them with. I wasn't even sure I would've agreed to do something like that, if it'd been someone else asking.
The worst thing about him, though, was that he made them all make sense. I was having a hard time drawing, it was obvious that the most reasonable choice was to get on a two hour drive out of nowhere. We were hungry, it just made sense for us to get a pizza and eat it while sitting on his car. I really felt as if I was living out of the world at times when I were with Harry. It was probably one of the freshest and most interesting things about him.
When we finished eating and talking - we probably took a bit longer than we should've - it was already a bit after four in the afternoon. We put the empty pizza box in the backseat, hoping to be able to dispose of it in the next town, and got into the car again, getting back onto the main road.
For a while there was only silence as we both started to get settled into the situation. I was starting to get a bit tired after the lack of sleep of the last few days and the activities of that day, so I could only hope that two hour and half drive wouldn't have ended up making me fall asleep. It would've been extremely embarrassing to fall asleep in Harry's car.
I thought about the sketches and pictures I'd taken on that day. Unfortunately, a sketch was only half finished and I hadn't even managed to start the only one, which was a shame, because I would've liked to capture Harry's smile on a piece of paper. He rarely smiled though, and I didn't even have a picture of him smiling, so I had no way of doing it.
The pictures were nice - if I would've managed to paint or draw them, though. My main focus had always been people and nature - like plants or animals - so it wouldn't have been easy to draw something of which a good half was only sky. I didn't have a lot of experience with the sky, as I'd never been particularly interested in reproducing it.
"Any tips on how to paint the sky?" I asked Harry, glancing at him half-jokingly, but actually meaning it way more than I would've liked to admit. He'd always been the one with interesting ideas when it came to that kind of thing.
He shot me a quick, and confused, glance before focusing his attention on the road again. "Not quite, why?"
I shrugged, even though I was sure he wouldn't have noticed. "You've always been the one that knows about these things" I told him, and he furrowed his eyebrows.
"Uh, add clouds?" He said, but it came out as more of a question than a statement, and I let out a little laugh.
"Thank you for your help" I told him, the tone my voice a bit warmer than usual, turning my head to look out of the window and frowning as something instantly caught my attention. "Stop the car" I said quickly, glancing at Harry again. "Now."
He seemed to be very puzzled by my odd request, but he did as I'd told him to do and parked his car on the side of the road. "What's going on?" He asked, furrowing his eyebrows, but I just shook my head.
"Let's get out" I told him, not waiting for him to reply before opening the door on my side and getting out of the car.
I opened the backseat door and took Harry's coat quickly before rounding the vehicle just as fast to get to his side. Harry was already standing there, seeming to be even more confused than before.
"Come on, let's be fast" I said, not thinking much about it before wrapping my fingers around his wrist and running towards what I'd seen to get there faster. "Here" I breathed when we stopped in front of a short stone wall partly covered in ivy.
He still seemed to be a bit confused by what was going on, but he went with it anyway and not say a word.
I turned him around gently so that he was facing the right direction, blushing a bit when I realised I was still holding his wrist. "Sorry" I muttered, letting go of it before putting his coat over his shoulders and fixing the way it looked a bit until I decided it was good enough.
I took a few steps back and got my phone out of my pocket, opening the camera app and taking a few pictures of him, making sure I was getting the lighting just right. I took some more from different angles, and then nodded to myself when I decided I had all I needed.
"Okay, we can go back" I told him, and he nodded, taking off his coat as we walked next to each other on our way back to the car.
We got inside and he drove on the road again before throwing his coat on the backseat and looking at it through the rear view mirror to make sure it hadn't fallen onto the pizza box.
After a few minutes he raised the volume of the speaker again, making me realise that music had been mutely playing the whole time, and I just settled for looking out of the window, my tiredness starting to get the best of me.
Some minutes went by just like that, but I didn't really mind, and I was quite sure Harry didn't either. All of a sudden I heard him starting to hum to the tune of the song that was currently playing and I smiled, not daring to turn my head to look at him even though I was surprised by it in fear of making him stop.
The rest of the car ride went by similarly, alternating moments in which we talked and others in which we only listened to music.
By the time we got back to London the clock had already hit seven o'clock. My car was still at the studio, but, considering that I had no will to drive myself home, I asked Harry to just take me back to my flat instead. It wouldn't have killed me to have a walk in the morning anyway, and I could've asked him to drive me to work just in case.
When we entered my street though, I quickly realised things wouldn't have been nearly as easy as I'd thought, because parked right in front of my building there was a car that was way too familiar.
"Nicholas is here, don't stop" I told Harry quickly, "please don't stop." I had no strength to deal with him in that moment. Maybe I could've just waited a while for him to leave? It was definitely an idea. I could've asked Harry to drop me off in the next street.
But, before I could even ask him to, he sped right past it, not even giving me the time to open my mouth.
"Where are we going?" I asked him, confused, trying to understand what was going on. I'd only asked not to park in front of my flat, not to drive me somewhere else.
He didn't miss a beat at my question. "My apartment."
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. x
Miki