There is something about waking up to a shirtless man child in bed with you that makes me laugh. I woke up and looked at a peacefully sleeping with his lips parted just ever so slightly. I tip toed over to my suitcase and pulled out my journal I had brought. I began to look over at Beckett and couldn't help but feel loved.
I titled the page and gave it a journal entry date.
Proud
I am proud of who I became for a lot of reasons
Though challenges thrown my way were not pleasant
I came out alive.
Alive was not a place I wanted to be for a long time.
I fought for a while to see the brighter side
I never could through hazy eyes
I paused and looked at Beckett who rolled over and wrapped an arm around my body. He pulled himself up just enough to kiss the corner of my mouth.
"Good morning baby," He said against my skin before reading over what I had written.
"I feel as though I should be writing this to you," He chuckled.
I looked outside at the slight rainstorm coming in. The park was going to be closed for a while so I handed Beckett a few pieces of paper and went over to the dresser and pulled out a shitty hotel pen.
'Write me one then.' I challenged.
"Okay, I just will and then we will exchange writings," he said with a nod before going to his suitcase to pull out a book.
Only my boyfriend would bring a book on vacation. I rolled my eyes smiling gently as he went and sat on the bed by the window every so often looking up to smile at me and then outside. His eyes flickered back and forth like he was reading something in the sky with those gray eyes. I looked back down at my page.
I wouldn't be here today if it were for this
For what I had to do
I had to learn a lot of things
Self-care, Self-awareness, and Self-love.
I had to learn my life isn't just nothing.
I am worth more than imagined
Worth more than I could ever dream of.
Self-awareness was something I was never taught.
I knew I existed in an imperfect world
One that was harsh and not always for the best
I found myself in a world full of sound and noise
Not simply gestures that were my way of communicating
Self love the hardest of these tasks
I had to learn that my scars were mine to carry
Not someone else.
Only I could blame me and blaming me was okay
It is okay for me to feel sad
It is okay for me to feel down
It is okay for me to be happy
It is okay for me to feel love
It is okay for me to want these
Because for the longest time my mind whispered lies
Those lies ran rampant in my body
Taking control at ever twist and turn
That's how I began to fell
But luckily I feel into you
Not just you but so many others
I learned from all of you
You teach me and show me
Even when it's hard
I still want to know and show you
Love you have shown me
I scribbled my name and looked at Beckett who was still sitting starring outside. I placed my notebook on the bed and walked over and sat on the bed staring at him.
'it's hard isn't it' I signed as he looked at me shaking his head.
"It's not hard. It's something I hard thinking of a me without you now." He whispered before handing me his half-written piece of paper.
Beckett got up and got the notebook of the bed and we began to critique each other's writing.
To: Logan B. Urie
Sunshine
When I think of you I think of sunshine. Because even though you claim you don't shine you are still there behind the clouds waiting. I can watch you like I watch clouds. You dance in a car like rain off the windshield. You smile something fierce and determined. I can't help but think of the girl I met at the diner all those nights ago.
The girl who had to explain she was adopted. The boy who was afraid to admit he had a daughter. The crazy best friend who as long as you don't tell her, is pretty cool. The baby who I felt I needed to protect from you but in all honesty, I was struggling to.
I was struggling with being a single parent. I couldn't thank you or even tell you my first thoughts of you. I was afraid of you coming out to yell at me for being a teen parent. But you had just picked up Kolbi's elephant from the booth seat. I was startled when I saw you behind me.
My struggles were more internal though. I have been raised to treat women with respect and treat them like they are a goddess. I was also taught much like Ryleigh and you, I would never be enough for anyone. I tried for a long time to overcompensate that. I would tell a lot of jokes to try and make friends. I tired to always be nice to people which most the time failed me as I got hurt. That is a part of being human though. After many conversations with your good friend Alex and Tyler. People aren't always going to be nice to you. They aren't always going to be kind to you. You can't allow those people to stop you though.
I look at it like this. If I would have given up every time I wanted to where would you be? Where would I be? I know I will never be enough for my parents. I will always live in Katarina's shadow. I will always be the screw-up kid who had a kid young. I will always be a mistake. To them at least. To myself though I want to be someone who kind, caring, and loved. I want to leave a legacy for Kolbi and I want her to know love. I want her to have everything even things I can't give her.
I looked at your writing and I can't help but in some way make this my story and not yours. I though am incredibly proud of everything you accomplish. I know that I would not have survived some of the things Ryleigh has told me in secret that you survived. I also know you were the child that wasn't supposed to survive. I read your journal and I am so sorry for the invasion of privacy, but you just look so at ease and at peace as you dream. I hope you dream of Kolbi and me. I hope you dream of your family and love because that is what I feel around you. I feel this radiation of just love and happiness.
You are the person I strive to be. You are so kind and you come off shy and quiet but you are the loudest voice in a crowd. You are drop-dead gorgeous and I am not just saying this because I am your boyfriend and it's my job. You make my heart pound out my chest and I feel this tingly sensation all over like I am on fire when we touch. You make me want to scream until my lungs give out. You make me scared of the future and so excited like a kid waiting to be told they can eat cake or open Christmas presents.
You make me want to get back to being me. You make me, me again. Just like I have been told I make you, you again. Ryleigh told me of the meek girl you were in the orphanage, the one you became. She was afraid leaving you and then when you were separated. She told me about when she saw you for the first time how different you were but how you were still you. She talked about this part of you still being you holding on for dear life to be nurtured again. Ryleigh told me she sees that again when I am around. She said she sees a difference in your smile. She isn't the only one though. Alex said he sees a girl that is pure and your dad told me he had never seen you so at ease in his whole time having you.
I hope they are true. I hope you feel the same way because Logan Blake one day I want to marry you. One day I want to have kids with you. One day I want to grow old and I want to say remember when and have you correct me and just lay in bed with me and love me. Because I want that with you. Only you.
I looked up at Beckett and had tears streaming down my cheeks. I hadn't even realized it had been released from my eyes. I began to sniffle and wipe my eyes letting out a gentle laugh as Becket had the same tears in his eyes.
'look at us being a hot mess.' I signed and he just giggled taking my hand in his.
"I am so so proud of you for every breathe you take and every word you will ever say. I am so proud of you. I am so proud to be in love with you." Beckett said leaning over and kissing me softly and gently on the lips.
I looked outside to see that the rain had stopped. I can't help but feel like this was grieving and for once I was doing something right. With him, everything felt natural not forced. It was welcomed where with anyone else it was an act.
One day I hope to marry you too.
"Come on let's go get some lunch," Beckett said and wiped my eyes and took my hand grabbing our lanyards and putting them in his back pocket.
As Beckett walked down the hallway I wrapped an arm around his waist. I looked up at him as he looked down at me giving me a smile and a laugh. Almost as if to tell me he wasn't leaving me. We stopped and got a sandwich and shared it before getting on a shuttle and going into the downtown strip which was in the park. It was mainly all restaurants and where a tattoo parlor was. I let go of Beckett's hand and pulled out my phone typing a question to the dude at the front desk.
"Yeah, I can get you in, as long as you are over 18." The man said he was completely covered in tattoos.
I nodded and began filling our the papers he had handed me on a clip board. Beckett stood in the doorway as the dude at the desk eyed him up and down. I went and grabbed Beckett's hand pulling him in and sitting down. I watched as other people began to eye Beckett. I then got up and sat on his lap as he wrapped his arms around me. I described the design I wanted on the paper and fill out the highlighted sections.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Beckett whispered in my ear playing with my hair softly.
I gave a simple nod as he massaged my hip with his fingertips. He looked down at his watch on his left arm and showed it to me as I had to write the time I checked in on the paper. I leaned back and kissed his cheek. I finished all the invasive paperwork before getting up and handed it to the dude at the desk.
"Great Paul will be with you in a minute." He said and then went to the back to get who I presume was Paul.
In a few short moments, a male with a beard and covered in tattoos was standing in front of me. I looked up a little scared.
"Hi, I am Paul!" He said happily and motioned for me to follow him.
Beckett followed right behind me and sat in an extra chair Paul had opened.
"So let's stencil this. You want a half sun, half moon with this quote right?" He said and showed me the piece of paper I had just signed my life away on.
I nodded my head as Paul began to draw on a piece of paper. I watched as he sketched for what felt like forever but wasn't really that long. He then looked over at me.
"Where are we placing this?" He asked and I lifted up my shirt pointing to my ribs.
"I want you to know it will hurt okay sweetie. I will go ahead and place the stencil there for you to look at." He placed the stencil and it was cold against my skin.
I went and looked at in the mirror in love with the purple pen ink on my body. I smiled as Beckett came and looked at it in the mirror with me. Paul didn't have a problem with Beckett sort of being all up in his space. Beckett looked at the linework on it and nodded informing me it looked nice. Paul patted the bed for me to lay on my side. He instructed me to place my arm in front of me or put it where I was holding onto my other shoulder. I placed my arm as he had suggested. Once he started I felt the tears prick in the corners of my eyes. It didn't hurt to an unbearable amount it just sort of burnt. Paul got concerned though when I became really pale. He stopped and went over to a fridge in the corner pulling out a soda for me to drink.
"Drink this it will help you if you are woozy." He instructed.
I drank a little bit of the soda before laying back down. Beckett had moved into the second spinny chair like in a doctor's office and was now sitting by my head. He looked at me and wiped my eyes ever so often and whispered how brave I was. One it was all done I looked in the mirror at it really proud of myself. Paul took a few pictures of it for me before wrapping it. I gave him a tip and he gave me a hug. Before I walked back to the front desk and paid the rest of the amount for the tattoo.
Walking out of the parlor Beckett and I looked at the new pictures on my phone. I sent it to Ryleigh, Alex, Jack, Rian, and Zack.
From Zack: Sick tat little one
From Jack: SO I CAN NOW TAKE YOU WHEN I AM READY TO GET NEW INK!
From Alex: Ignore Jack. Come with me to get a tattoo some time. Also, Ryleigh is hanging out with Zack
From Rian: Cool kid.
I looked at Beckett and put my hand out.
"Where to baby?" He asked and I pointed to Hogwarts.
"To Hogwarts, it is then." He said and we began to walk toward the Hogwarts castle.
For you see all my light even in the dark.