It's been a few weeks since Mark has been visiting someone and not staying in my house. I sometimes caught myself thinking if he's okay, but why wouldn't he? I also caught myself daydreaming about him, too.
Since Mark has not been around, I always see him in my dreams. After the night he told me that he'd comeback, he always were visiting my dreams, and often times I couldn't help myself but to feel something, something I don't know if I'm allowed to even feel towards him.
"What's that?" I heard Hina said as she peeked behind me, I quickly locked my phone and shooked my head
"Nothing."
"Let me see." She insisted and grabbed my phone to look what I was typing on my notes, "dreams?"
"It may sound weird but let me explain."
"Let's close up shop first." Hina said, she knew it'll be a long conversation and I was thankful that she was willing to listen to anything.
Hina and I found ourselves sipping a cup of tea while we sat on the table in the cafè.
"You keep track on your dreams?" Hina asked as she was still reading my notes, "I don't get it"
"I've been dreaming about this guy lately." I confessed, "I mean, he already appeared in my dream once, like a few months ago but this time he kept appearing like every night."
"Do you know who he is?"
I wanted to tell her the truth, but she wouldn't understand. She might think I'm some kind of weirdo.
"No." So I lied.
"It seems like this guy has been dating you in your dream."
"The only problem is this.." I showed her the first time that Mark appeared in my dream, it was a short encounter but I can still vaguely remember it was him.
"Guy went over to me and hugged me tight. Then said thank you." Hina read "what's the problem with that?"
"That was my first time dreaming of him, the second time he appeared in my dream that I cab remember is this" I showed her the note entitled dream 5, "it was months after the first dream happened."
I showed Hina the dream wherein Mark was saying goodbye to me and I was begging him to not leave.
"Why were you begging him?" She asked, clearly confused
"I'm as much confused as you, Hina." I truthfully said
She kept quiet and started reading some other notes that I kept record off.
"Other than that dream, you 2 seem like you're having lots of fun. Going on walks at Han River, movies and even just casually lying around at home."
I agreed, the only thing that bothers me is that particular dream where he leaves me. Lately, he has always just been by my side and we're happy.
"I don't think I'd think about it too much, unnie." Hina said, giving my phone back and smiling at me "don't stress yourself too much over something you can't control."
I suddenly felt powerless because of what she said, but it was the truth. I can't control my dreams and I can't control my feelings, I can't control over the things that's happening with Mark and I. So why am I stressing over it?
I stood up and hugged Hina, and she hugged me back. Assuring me that everything will be alright.
I went home that night and was welcomed by Minhyung who was busy waiting for me to give him food. I chuckled and obliged to his request as I hurried to my room only to find that my bed was tidied up. For sure it was Mark.
"Are you here?" I asked, just wanting to see if he'll show up, "Mark?"
But no answer, I sighed and sat on the edge of my bed, feeling a bit disappointed that he might've just dropped by today to know that he's still in earth and left immediately afterwards.
I lied on my bed and stared at the ceiling, I wonder if Mark has the power to go into my dream and interact with me there like a normal person.
I didn't noticed that I was already drifting off to a slumber with all my thinking.
And that night, like any other night, I met him again in my dream.
"Koeun-ah!" There he was, in the living room with Minhyung, watching a sports channel as he was petting the pup "good morning."
I smiled at him and nod my head once. I went over to the kitchen to prepare breakfast for us. I was busy cooking pancakes that I didn't noticed him already behind me, surprising me with a backhug as we both chuckle at our cheesiness.
With the dreams that I had been having the past few weeks, I know that Mark and I have been exclusively dating now, well in my dreams that is.
Suddenly, I saw myself standing under a big oak tree. I looked around and saw Mark sitting on the grass nearby a lake alone. I slowly went towards him and sat beside him.
"Mark?" I called, he turned to face me and smiled
"How have you been?" He asked, I was suddenly confused, one minute he was hugging me in the kitchen and now it seems like he was another person, "I know I have been not around lately, I'm sorry for that."
"What have you been doing these past few weeks?" I finally asked, "where have you been going?"
He didn't answered, instead he looked towards the lake and sighed heavily.
I didn't push it anymore, I don't want to insist on something he isn't comfortable sharing.
"I'm sorry that we can only spend time together in your dreams, Koeun-ah." He said and suddenly held the top of my hand and squeezed it, "I'm sorry for not being there for you lately."
I laid my head on his shoulder as I sighed heavily.
I was also admiring how beautiful the lake in front of us was. It was calm, relaxing, and simple. Like what we are right now.
"If the only place that I can be with you is in my dreams, then I'd gladly not wake up when morning comes."
He turned his head to look at me but I didn't move an inch, instead he kissed the top of my head and rested his head above mine as we watched the peaceful lake all day long.
I closed my eyes and let out a heavy sigh. When I opened them I was back to reality.
I saw my ceiling, and the sun that shined so bright I could barely open my eyes wide. I sat up and looked around, but only saw Minhyung on his bed still fast asleep.
I sighed, "he's not here again."
I stood up and grabbed my phone, wanting to document my dream last night. Somehow, I felt sad with my conversation with him. I couldn't help but also feel bad, but what could we do?
Everyday for the rest of the month has been like that. I'm meeting Mark in my dreams and not seeing him when morning comes.
Until one day, he came back. I went home really late that night and I saw him sitting at the edge of my bed having a staring contest with Minhyung.
"You're here!" I didn't mean to sound so excited as I saw his ghostly presence there. He smiled and chuckled at me as he nodded "are you back for good?"
"I don't know." He said, "I just miss you."
My heart skipped a beat. He has been always sweet and straightforward in my dreams but this is not a dream anymore. This is reality..
"Koeun?" I suddenly blinked and shook my head to erased my thoughts.
"Sorry," I said "I wasn't prepared for that confession."
He smiled and tapped the space beside him, I put my backpack down and closed the door as I walked towards him and sat to the empty space.
"Koeun-ah," he called again, I looked at him and raised my eyebrows, I saw him try to place his hand on my cheek I was waiting for it but it only went thru.
I saw how disappointed he looked. It wasn't working still, he still can't touch me, he smiled at me and scoffed.
"Who am I fooling.."
I also felt heartbroken. Who are we even fooling? Ourselves, that's who. I smiled at him and called him.
"Let's meet at my room?" I tried to sound upbeat, "I want to suddenly cuddle."
I saw him gave me a small smile, a painful one if I might add but nonetheless he nodded and stood up to go sit on the beanbag.
I didn't bother changing my clothes as I was too excited to meet him again in my dream. In our dream.
I was lying down but I couldn't get myself to sleep that night. And I knew Mark noticed because I felt his presence beside me, also laying down as he looked up at the ceiling.
"I'm sorry, Koeun." He blurted, "I didn't know that we'd come this far."
I knew what he meant. And I didn't want to hear it. Not now.
"I never knew that meeting you, like personally meeting you would bring such an impact to me."
"I feel the same." I replied, "who knew that the soulmate I was actually looking for is an actual soul."
I heard him laugh and I can't help but giggle with him. He has this melodious laugh that I can only hear in my dreams but now it was reality. Either way, his laugh makes me smile and happy.
"I'm sorry if we could only be together in your dreams, Koeun."
I felt my heart broken into a million pieces with that statement.
"If the only place that I can be with you is in my dreams, then I'd gladly not wake up when morning comes." I repeated what I said before
He didn't say anything after that. I don't know what he was thinking but he didn't say or do anything. I drifted to slumber a couple minutes after as I still felt his presence beside me.
I opened my eyes and saw my room's familiar ceiling and Mark lying beside me, his eyes closed and his mouth a little agape.
I turned my body slowly facing him as I brushed off his hair away from his face carefully. So this is a dream, because I can touch him.
I then carefully traced his eyes down to his nose bridge to his lips, he looks stunning, I suddenly was surprised to see that he opened his eyes and was smiling widely at me.
"Yah!" I called but he just captured me with both his arms and carried me to be on top of him, as if he was cradling me.
We were just both laughing and tickling each other without any care in the world. I want us to be like this forever. Can we be like this forever?
He stopped and placed me back on my bed but still hugging me closely towards him, I did the same and encircled my arms around his waist, nuzzling my face on his chest as I closed my eyes and savour every moment I can touch him.
"I love you." He said, I opened my eyes but didn't bother looking up at him, I suddenly felt like my eyes well up as I also felt like something dripped on top of my head, I knew it was his tears, I knew he was crying because I can clearly feel and hear his heart beating really fast. "Koeun, I love you."
I also cried that time, shoving my face into his chest more as the tears soaked his shirt, "I love you too, Mark."
We hugged each other tighter than before, as if it will be the last time we could be together like this. It was supposed to be the happiest moment in our lives but we're just joking ourselves if we think that.
"This sucks." I heard him say as he chuckled and wiped his tears away, he also looked down to me and wiped my tears, "I hate this."
I agreed and nodded as I still nuzzled my face on his chest. He didn't say anything anymore but instead he just kissed the top of my head and hugged me tightly, resting his chin on my head as he hummed a lullaby.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Mark." I said and closed my eyes, as I prayed that this dream would never end.
I wanted to stay like that forever. I wanted to be with him, and he wanted to be with me. We both knew how we felt for each other. We both knew how happy we are together, we love each other.
But are we even allowed to be in love? Are we even allowed to be together? Or was it all going to be just a good dream?
"Always take care of yourself, Koeun-ah" was the last thing I heard Mark said as I opened my eyes and got back to reality.
I woke up feeling heartbroken and tired, tears started falling down as soon as I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling. I sat up and looked around my room only to realize that Mark wasn't here.
I couldn't stop crying and clutching my chest, the pain I felt just wouldn't stop hurting me. It hurts, so much. It hurts so much that I couldn't even breathe properly.
It hurts to be in love with someone you know you couldn't be with.
"It hurts to be in love with you, Mark."
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