It was a week now since Xiaojun and I have broken up. It has also been a week since I saw the ghost that has been haunting me months ago. It's been a week but I still can't process everything that had happened.
"You can see me? And hear me? You're not joking right?"
"Why would I joke about this?" I said loudly, "you haven't answered my questions still, why are you here?"
"I told you I don't know."
"Then leave."
"I can't."
"Why not?" I am actually annoyed right now, "go and haunt someone else."
"Everytime I tried to go away, I am put back to this room. Pulled back to you." Mark explained, he was sitting on the edge of my bed as I was leaning on my stacked-up pillows "I think I need to help you with something before I really be at peace."
"I don't need helping," I said "there's nothing wrong with what I'm doing right now."
"I meant with your relationships."
"Are you spying on my personal life? That's just plain rude!"
"I can't help it, you always have such loud thoughts and may I remind you, I'm stuck here with you for like months now."
"Then you shouldn't have listened! Wear your ghostly earphones or something!"
"Wow, nice. Yeah, okay smarty pants." He gave me an eye roll and I lose it
"Look!" I hissed "if you want to stay with me there should be rules."
"Wow and that should apply to a lost soul like me."
"Rule 1, no meddling with my life." Mark again rolled his eyes, "rule 2, no perv things like peek when I change clothes or—"
I suddenly stopped and stared at him with such fear he realized it and I immediately covered my chest with both hands
"Relax!" He said "I didn't saw anything. Whenever you're changing clothes I always go out of the room or turn around."
"And why should I believe you?" I gripped my blanket and pulled it over my body, only my head is revealed
"Then don't." He said, "it's up to you."
I bit my lip and sighed, fine I'll trust him for now.
"Anymore rules?"
"Rule 3 is.. you promise that you won't mess up my stuff." I cleared my throat "I know you've been random stuff anywhere inside the apartment for my attention—"
"So you do noticed.." Mark nods as I rolled my eyes at him, "okay, promise. Anymore?"
"That's about it for now I guess?"
"Then I have rules too." My mouth went agape as I was going to furiously shook my head when he spoke again, "you need to let me stay here with you until I find the solution for this problem and.."
"And what?"
"You need to help me find my peace."
"Unnie?"
"Eo?" I was awakened by Hina and I realized that I've been dozing off for quiet a while now, "Oh, sorry"
"Are you okay, unnie? You seem off."
"I'm fine. Sorry, I just had less sleep than usual."
"Is it because of that Xiaojun guy?" Hina suddenly wrapped her arms around me, hugging and caressing my back as she sighed, "I know I should tell you I told you so but I don't want to trigger you."
I smiled and patted her back, "I'm fine."
"You're better off without him." Hina said as I looked up and saw Mark was sitting on the counter top and nodding at us. I creased my eyebrows and mouthed 'go away' but he just tilted his head in amusement. I repeated but again he played dumb
"Go away!" I didn't realized that I was a bit loud as Hina pulled away with wide eyes, staring at me like I'm a lunatic. "Sorry, I saw a stray cat trying to barged in the shop."
"I think you should take the day off for now, unnie." I sighed and assured her that I'm fine but she insisted "want me to call Jaemin to take you home? He can give you a ride with his motorbike."
"No," I said "It's better if I walk.. to get my mind off of things."
"Okay, whatever you say unnie." Hina assured that she will handle the shop for today and I do needed a rest for all the thinking I had for the past week.
I was carelessly walking on the streets when I saw Mark appeared in front of me, floating as he was staring at me with much curiousity.
"What?" I tried to keep my voice low to not draw any unwanted attention
"You look tired."
"Who's fault is that?"
"It's not my fault you have so many questions."
"It's not everyday I came around and have a ghost beside me—" I sighed and put my earphones on
"Are you going to listen to music the whole time walking home?"
"No, it's just weird if I talk to you while people cannot see you." Mark nodded and I just sighed again. "So, let's get back to basics."
"Hm.."
"You were in an accident."
"Correct."
"And you never had anyone who you argue or fight with back in college."
"Right."
"And you also are good terms with your family."
"Of course."
"Then it doesn't make sense why you're still here. I mean, your life is pretty much boring like mine." I whined, "wait, how about a girlfriend? Like a lover or something?"
"I didn't—"
"Don't tell me you never dated even once?"
"I mean, I did. But that was just puppy love."
"But maybe that love is real love. Maybe you need to see how she's doing and if she knows you're dead." Mark suddenly stops and I also stopped from my walking. He seems to be thinking as he blinked a couple of times.
"You're maybe right about this."
"See? So, who is this girl anyway?"
"There's 2 actually." I widen my eyes, "what? I'm an introvert but I can date girls that I liked."
"You don't look the type." I teased and he groaned in annoyance.
We chatted on the way home and once we were in my room, we started searching for his exes information.
"So is this her?" I asked, pointing at the girl's Instagram account, "Herin Seo?"
"She was the first girl I dated back in Canada. She's from England originally but her dad had a business trip in Canada so they stayed for a couple of years." He told, "we started dating in freshmen year of high school but it didn't last long because they need to move back to England and I also flew here in Korea."
As he was saying that, I kept scrolling on her feed, nodding every now and then just so he knows I'm listening.
"Wait, look at that photo there." He instructed and I clicked on it, he went quiet as he nodded slowly. "Yeri and Herin are dating."
"Who's Yeri?" I asked, looking towards him as his expression was unreadable
"We were classmates back in Canada, they were best friends but when Herin flew back to England the last thing I heard was Yeri also went to a boarding school in England. So yeah, the rumors of them dating were true."
"So you're fine with it?"
"Koeun, I'm a ghost, and it's been years since herin and I broke up, so it's fine of course I am happy for them."
"But do they know you're dead?"
"Click on this one, right here." I did as he pointed at the photo with candles, "look at the caption. They know."
"Oh." Was the only respond I can give. "Well, that's that."
"I don't really know what we will get to this"
"Wait, you said you still have another girl you dated, right? How about her?" I was persistent, maybe she's the answer
"Oh not her. Def not her." He said with such swag I couldn't help but be amazed at his accent.
"Why not? Who is she? Let me try finding her." I insisted, his expression suddenly went dull and lifeless but nonetheless he told me her name.
"Suji?" I read on her profile, "she has a new boyfriend, look."
"Yeah, I thanked the heavens that that guy came to her life." Mark said and I tilted my head, confused as to why he said that. "Suji is.."
"Is what?"
"Is a bit.."
"What!?"
"Crazy." I scoffed and rolled my eyes, "she was obsessed with me, suffocatingly obsessed with me."
"Maybe you're just full of yourself, ghosty"
"No, it's true. Look at her profile, before it was full of my pictures and he kept telling everyone that I'm hers." I saw how his expression went dead, he is dead but his expression was like dead-er if that's a word.
"It can't be that bad, I think." I said and clicked a photo of her, "look at her caption. It's kind of sweet."
"Yeah, but even her best friend Hyorin finds it creepy, read the comment."
"Okay, so she knows you died, and she already moved on but maybe she hasn't fully moved on yet? Or maybe you haven't fully moved on yet!"
"We only dated like a month, Koeun." He rolled his eyes, "after that experience I fully dedicated myself with studying."
"Then, maybe she hasn't forgotten you and is still in denial?"
"Wanna bet on that?" I somehow felt the urge to compete with him and win, "if you're right and Suji is the answer to this problem, then I'll disappear from your life forever"
"And if I'm wrong?"
"You're stuck with me." He replied shortly, I sighed and nodded "so? Want to meet this crazy girl?"
"After you," I said standing up as I followed him to her whereabouts.
It was an hour drive away from my apartment so we reached her house at about 7PM, I somehow felt nervous, was what I even going to say? It's going to be weird to approach a stranger asking about a dead person.
"Yes?" A girl suddenly approached me as I was standing in front of their house, it's Suji, "how can I help you?"
"Ah, are you Bang Suji?" I knew it was her right away, she nodded and looked at me with a confused look "I'm Ko Eun, just call me Eun for short, I just want to ask you a few questions."
"Are you a detective?" She asked abruptly, I swiftly shook my head and laugh awkwardly
"I just want to know if you knew Mark? Mark Lee from Yonsei University?"
"Oh, he's one of my exes." She answered, "we dated like years ago, why?"
"Did you and Mark seperated badly? Are you in bad terms with him? Any grudges?"
Suji smiled and chuckled. I can also see Mark behind her shook his head while I eyed him so he can behave.
"At first we didn't end it well, I was chasing him and begging him to get back with me before, then I realize that he's not that cool of a guy and he is a nerd, so I just moved on."
"I see.." I can also see how Mark was fuming with anger "so you and Mark are good?"
"Yeah totally, if he's still alive.." her expression turned gloomy as I pat her back trying to console her, "his accident was a tragic one."
"Yeah."
"Are you one of his exes?" I was quick to deny it and bowed my head "oh, just a friend I guess?"
"Sorry to be bothering you then, Suji-ssi. Have a good night."
She then nodded and went inside her house as I quickly walked my way back to the bus station.
"That was embarassing." I scoffed as Mark was floating in front of me
"Told you so."
"Just back off."
"Come on, Koeun." He called, "you can't be pissed at your own idea."
"I'm not pissed."
"Oh come on. I know your pissed face when I see one."
"You're creeping me out seriously." I said and finally sat on one of the benches of the bus stop "so another dead end."
Mark sat beside me as he crossed his legs and nodded in agreement.
"Can you really not recall anything at all? Like any unfinished business? Any deeds to finish? Homework? People you need to finish helping?"
"I told you the other time, maybe my unfinished deed is you."
"And I will also repeat, I don't need helping."
"Well your relationships clearly do." Mark then leaned and chuckled "you really need better boyfriends."
"Shut up." I said, annoyed at his antics, but he does seem persistent, should I let him help me?
"You should really find a nice guy to date, you know?" Suddenly I felt like he's sincere this time, "those guys you dated are all douche."
"How'd you say so?" He became silent the moment I asked, "Mark?"
"I just know guys." He said, "and I know douchebags when I see one."
"Well, they're not in my life anymore, thank God."
"Thank me," he said lowly and I turned to look at him, "I'm kidding."
I smiled and chuckled, after all this time who knew that casper wasn't the only friendly ghost that exists.
We were riding the bus home when I felt his presence just beside me. I was sitting on the further back next to the window, one of my favorite seats as I rest my head on the glass window.
Weirdly, I can see his reflection that's staring at me with his doe-eyes.
"What?"
"You like the window seat don't you?" I nodded, "I do too.. well, I did."
"It's comforting and it feels like my own private space, you know?" I said in a low voice since there are still few passengers inside, "it just makes me feel calm whenever I sit in this area."
Mark smiled at me, a warm smile, his smile radiates so much warmth I can almost feel it on my insides. He's charming, I gotta admit.
I didn't say anything anymore as he just sat there in silence while I dozed off for a bit to get some sleep.
I was awakened by a loud thud noise that came from Mark who punched the window I was leaning on. I saw that it was my stop already and quickly elited the bus.
"You could've just shake me to wake me up, though" I said annoyed as we were walking by the streets to my apartment
"Can't touch you, remember?" He said in a sassy tone as I just rolled my eyes at him.
I went to the bathroom to change clothes as I suddenly heard my phone rang. It was a notification, from Xiaojun? I haven't heard from him for weeks and I did block him on my social media accounts and also the game we were playing.
I went out staring at my phone as I jumped right to bed to read his message.
He was saying how he wanted to get back together and that he was sorry and all.
"Oh you're not falling for that, are you?" Mark pop up above me as I sat up and he went to sit in front of me with a grim expression, "tell me you're not seriously considering it."
"Well.."
"Koeun, how can you be so stupid?" He hissed, "go to this girl's profile."
And I followed him even though he was quite annoying. I scrolled thru her weibo feed and saw many photos of her and Xiaojun being sweet. My heart ached as I realized that he had been cheating on me for couple months already.
I didn't realize that my tears are slowly falling down and my breathe was getting heavy.
"I'm sorry, Koeun." Was the last thing I heard from Mark before he disappeared. But I know he is there, he always is, I just can't see him.
I let it all out that night, I cried so hard I couldn't even breathe. It was the first time in so many years that I cried again.
I think it's not just about Xiaojun but myself in general. Why was I tolerating such a thing? Why am I torturing myself?
I slept late that night, dreaming of Mark again, but this time it was a good dream.
A dream where he is alive, and he was comforting me, buying me ice cream as we stroll around Han River and laugh our butts off at couples who are fighting there.
It was a good dream, it made my heart flutter and it made me happy.
If only it's reality.