JUNE 1915
ERIK
The next week went by quickly; much too quickly for my liking. Everyone managed to keep themselves busy, though. Gustave and I were rehearsing for his performance every single day, allowing the music to draw our attention away from the impending approach of his deployment date. Nadir checked in regularly; he said he was coming to listen in on our rehearsals, but I knew he was really checking in on me. Although he was only a couple of years my senior, he had always taken on a fatherly role with me. I hadn't exactly caught on to it during my time in Persia, but being older and recognized that aspect of his friendship, I appreciated it more than I cared to admit.
Lara came to visit in the days that followed, though they all seemed to end with her leaving close to tears and with Gustave staring at the door as if it were the last time he would ever see her. One visit was particularly bad; on a normal day, they would just sit on his bed in his room talking together and savouring those moments. But Lara had accidentally come on the day that Gustave decided to stop putting off the inevitable and pack his things.
~~~~~
I opened the door to see the familiar sight of Lara on the other side. The look of her strained smile had become second nature to me, as I'm sure mine has become to her. The act that everyone was trying to put up was for the ultimate benefit of the boys, but we were all dreading the days to come.
"Good afternoon Lara. Gustave is just upstairs in his room," I said quietly.
"Good afternoon to you too, Erik. Thank you," she replied. She had forced out the greeting we were so used to saying, almost like it was a broken record. Nevertheless, she walked confidently past me and right upstairs to his room.
I went back to the living room, only to hear my son curse very loudly as I heard Lara's footsteps stop. I never meant to eavesdrop, but they were talking so loud that it was unavoidable. I heard him virtually yell, "Lara, what are you doing here?!"
Without missing a beat, Lara countered, "I guessed what you were doing based on that idiotic lie you tried on me at school. I thought we were past that point, Gustave. I know that you know that seeing you pack upsets me, but it upsets me even more that you found it so easy to lie to me."
"If it upsets you to see me pack, then why are you here?"
"Because I thought regardless of what happens, we were in this together."
"Lara, please, we are in this together. We will make it through this together," Gustave sighed. He was trying to calm her down, but knowing Lara, she would not be tamed so easily.
"Well then, you really are off to a great start, now aren't you?" There was a pause and I wasn't sure what to make of it; I hadn't anticipated it going quiet during an argument between those two, but then I heard Lara speak up again: "You know what? I've made the decision."
"What deci- Lara, darling, please don't start with this again." I could hear the exasperation in my son's voice, but I knew that he was masking his sadness with irritation.
"You don't need to keep packing because you are not going!" I could guess what was happening at that point based on that piece of the conversation alone; I could practically see her pulling the suitcase away from Gustave.
"Lara, you don't get to decide that for me," Gustave pointed out.
"Yes, of course, that is completely justifiable. I don't get to decide whether or not you go, but you get to make the decision to leave me here, wondering if you'll come home." The anger in her voice was clear as day; I'd never actually heard anything like that come from her before. She was normally so level-headed, even if she was ready to debate at any moment.
"Do you think I want to do this? Do you think it doesn't cross my mind every hour of every day that I might not come back from this?" Gustave asked. "It kills me to think of you here, waiting for me, and that some other man can simply sweep you away because he is here to be with you. The thought of someone else holding you because I can't be here to do it myself is enough for me to hate myself for having to go. I am sorry for lying; you know I would never try to do that to you. I suppose that's why you saw right through it. Even still, I need you to support me."
"How am I supposed to support you when you are going to be half a world away?" Lara demanded. I felt like it was wrong for me to be hearing their entire conversation, but I couldn't force myself to move away from where I was standing to listen.
"I don't know! I just need to know that you will be here." Gustave was getting so choked up that my heart ached for him. I wanted to be there for him, to be by his side for comfort, but I knew that they needed the moment to themselves.
"I need you to promise me you will come back." She was pleading with him, begging for a concrete answer that he could not give her.
"Love, I just said how hard it is for me to lie to you. I will always try and make it back to you, but...I can't make that type of promise."
"I don't know how you can expect me to sit here and wonder if I am ever going to hear from you again or not!" There was another long pause that made me very worried about what would come next, only for my fears to be confirmed when Lara spoke again: "I don't know if I can put myself through that. I need to go."
I heard a rapid succession of footsteps come down the stairs as Lara raced out the door with Gustave following close behind, but not fast enough for him to make it out the door before she closed it in his face. He started fumbling with the doorknob in his haste and I was able to see the tear streaks running down his cheeks. I heard him mumble curse words along with, "I need to get to her" before he was finally able to swing the door open and chase after her.
I once again hated that I was spying so much into his life but something inside me needed to know how the whole ordeal ended. I stood up and walked to the living room window to see if I would watch them from inside and, luckily for me, they were just barely within view and I was able to watch Gustave catch up to her. I obviously couldn't hear anything but there were a lot of hand gestures. Gustave tried to reach out to her but she walked away and it felt like I was looking in a mirror, and I immediately saw that awful memory of when Christine walked away from me when I tried to do the same. Thankfully, they continued their conversation and after a while, they started gravitating towards each other and eventually they were locked in an embrace. After what I could only assume was a brief goodbye, they shared a kiss and Gustave returned to the house.
I quickly went to the front hall in an attempt to cover up my eavesdropping in case he had noticed. Once he was inside, he closed the door and pressed his back against it, breathing heavily as he slid down onto the floor. The fresh tears were still shining on his face. He was still crying. He began mumbling something, which I wasn't quite able to understand, but I managed to catch the last bit and hearing it broke my heart:
"Then on bended knee, all I ask would be that this road bring her back to me. My prayer would be, whatever my destiny let this road bring her back to me."
~~~~~
To think that such weighty, emotional statements were coming from the mouths of eighteen-year-olds was tragic; these weren't things a young couple in love should have to consider, but it was the reality of the world. I just hated that it was the cruel reality of my world.
Even with the terrible images we had been conjuring up in our heads, we managed to find joy in the little things. Madeleine and her family visited regularly, which ended up in Charles telling ridiculous jokes that made no sense half of the time and Maddie getting everyone's opinions on items for the nursery. Why she was asking four men for their opinions on decorating her baby's room was beyond me, but we all ended up having an enjoyable time.
Eventually, though, the evening of the talent show arrived, making it the last night that all of us had to spend together. Gustave and I were rushing around the house, getting ready to head over to the school for the show, but I was stuck staring at my closet, trying to pick a suit jacket. As I had told Nadir I would, I had invested in a few darker coloured smoking jackets, one of which Gustave wanted me to wear. The new options available, however, did not make choosing one easy for me.
"Papa, we have to go!" Gustave exclaimed. He appeared in the doorway of my bedroom, straightening his own black jacket. "Why aren't you dressed? We need to get going soon."
"All of this colour in my closet is new! I don't know what to wear," I replied, gesturing to the closet.
Gustave sighed, walked over and grabbed a maroon jacket, pulling it off of the hanger and tossing it to me. "There. Now, let's go!"
"Gustave, hang on." I grabbed him by the wrist and turned him around to face me. "You have to try and relax before you have a heart attack," I advised as I slipped the jacket on and straightened it in the mirror.
"I'm just worried about it. The song is hard, especially at the end. What if I forget the words or-or what if my voice cracks? Plus it's a competition and I want to win," he stuttered as he sat down on my bed. "I just...I don't want to mess this up. Plus, I can't help but think about tomorrow-"
"Don't think about that," I said firmly. "We will worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes. As for tonight, it will go just fine. We have been practicing endlessly, you know the words like the back of your hand, and we've gone over techniques to prevent voice cracks. It'll be alright."
Gustave nodded. "I want to do it well for Mother too, I want to make her proud," he said quietly.
"I know, mio soldatino , but I have total confidence that you will do it beautifully." I walked over and tipped his chin up so he was looking up at me. "Your mother would be so proud of you, that is all she ever was. Of that, I am certain."
With a smile, Gustave got to his feet. "Thank you, Papa. Let's get going," he said.
"Hold on. Come downstairs first. I have something to give you," I replied, shooting him a wink and walking down to the sitting room.
"A present? Papa, you didn't have to."
"It's fine, really. This one's special, now sit down." I pushed him down into his spot on the sofa, then rushed back up to my room and collected my gift. Holding it in my hand again brought back more memories than I had thought it would. Not that I had been surprised; it had been stored away for years without being touched, but it would do much for both Gustave and myself. It was another little piece of her with us on that bittersweet evening.
"Close your eyes," I instructed as I walked back into the sitting room, the gift held behind my back. "It takes the fun out of the surprise if you can see the gift."
Gustave laughed and shut his eyes, only opening them again when I set the gift gently in his hands. "It's Mother's scarf," he said matter-of-factly.
"Yes. The scarf she performed the same aria you will sing tonight with at the Opera House," I said. "I want you to perform with it as well. You don't need a choreographed routine as she had, but to have it with you and to toss it up like in the opera would be a beautiful way to channel your mother tonight."
"So...maybe I could wear it around my shoulders? Then before all the vocalizing at the end, take it in my hands and toss it like her?" he suggested, talking as though he had much more confidence than he had. His hands were shaking and the tassels on the end of the scarf were making that evident.
"Perfect. An artistic mind, indeed."
Gustave laughed and draped the scarf over his shoulders, taking a deep breath as if to try and catch a hint of the perfume Christine so often wore. "A rather simple idea for an artist, don't you think?"
"The best art is often the kind that you put no thought into, my boy. You will do absolutely incredible tonight," I said with a smile. "On that note, let's get going!"
"Hang on! I have a present for you too, and it can't wait until later, so don't suggest it. Stay here," Gustave said as he ran out of the room, returning shortly with a large gift box. "Open it."
He placed it on the ground in front of my armchair, but when I sat down to do as he'd asked, I hesitated momentarily when I noticed something. "Did it...did the box move?" I asked warily.
"Just open it." The boy was grinning, which frightened me, which meant the box certainly moved, which meant...God, who knew what else it meant?!
I raised a brow, but slowly lifted the lid, only to gasp and drop it when I saw the contents of the box. Round, dark brown eyes stared back at me; a golden spaniel puppy, her tail wagging frantically and making the pink bow wrapped around it hit the sides of the box.
"Oh my god," I breathed, looking up to see Gustave smiling wide. "What have you done?"
"I remembered all your stories about Sasha from when you were little, but hated that she died so cruelly. So, I figured I would get you a little gift to nurture while I'm...gone," he explained. "Nadir chipped in too. Delivering newspapers only pays so much."
"Oh, Gustave, she's beautiful," I gushed as I lifted the puppy out of the box and into my arms, leaning away and laughing as she excitedly licked at my face. It was only then that I noticed the golden tag dangling from her collar, her name already engraved in it: Sasha. "Thank you. Thank you so much."
"Of course. I hope you two will be as close as you were to the original Sasha."
"No dog could ever overthrow her bond with me, but this little one might just give her a run for her money."
Gustave laughed, then looked at his watch and gasped. "We need to get out of here. There's a little crate in my room, you can leave her in there until we get back so she doesn't have accidents all over the house," he said as he jumped up to start getting his shoes on.
"Wonderful." I patted the top of Sasha's head and then held her up so we were eye to eye. "We'll be back soon, Sasha. So you can be there when we say goodbye," I whispered.
~~~~~
We had arrived at Gustave's school without issue after that and quickly met with Nadir, as well as William and his family. However, the moment that she saw Gustave, Maddie frowned. "Your hair is a mess! Erik, did you do nothing about it?" she asked.
I threw my hands up. "He doesn't let me fix his hair anymore. Something about being an 'independent man' or some nonsense like that," I retorted with a roll of my eyes.
"Well, he can't say no to me, so I'll fix it." Like the mother figure that she was, Maddie walked up to Gustave, got on her tiptoes, and started running her fingers through his hair. "It has to swoop right, Gustave!" she exclaimed, holding him in place when he tried to squirm away.
"Okay, Mother, that's enough," William said with a laugh, taking his mother by the shoulders and pulling her away. "If you weren't pregnant, I would have picked you up."
Maddie rolled her eyes. "I just didn't want him going on stage looking like he just rolled out of bed!" she said in her defence.
"We know, love, it was just a little intense," Charles said, giving her hand a squeeze.
"Alright, everyone. I've got to get backstage. Thank you for coming," Gustave said as he offered hugs all around, though I could see on his face that he was looking for someone in particular, and one didn't have to be a genius to guess correctly. Though Lara wasn't there at the moment, I could only hope she'd be there for his performance. "I will see you after."
"Well, I suppose we should sit down," Nadir said as Gustave hurried off and the lights were dimmed in the auditorium. "There are a few acts to go, given that Gustave is the grand finale."
I nodded, turning to walk to my seat, but pausing when I noticed Lara running over to us, a bouquet of red roses in her arms. "Did I miss it?" she asked breathlessly.
"It hasn't happened yet, Lara," I replied with a smile. "The show is just about to start, though, so come sit with us."
She sighed, clearly relieved, and smiled back at me. "Oh, thank goodness," she said with a laugh as she followed us to the seats we had chosen. "I never would be able to forgive myself if I missed this. He's been so nervous."
"That he has. I think he'll do brilliantly, though."
The show was...decent, to put it lightly. Having gone from overseeing professional actors and singers in an opera house to being forced to grit my teeth through a mediocre flute performance and attempts to sing was a test, to say the least. Nadir gave me a hard poke in the ribs when I started muffling laughter during one performance, but after that, the night had gone without incident. All of the previous acts had been worth struggling through, I realized, because they had all led up to the moment when Gustave walked on stage, Christine's scarf proudly draped over his shoulders. Before he gave the nod to the musician he faced the crowd and surprised us all.
"Before I begin, I wanted to dedicate this song to my family. We may not look like one but I couldn't ask for anything more. Also, my mother, whose spirit gives me the confidence to be here tonight. Lastly, Lara, may the words resonate with you in the years to come. I love you."
He was quick to locate me in the audience, and I gave him a nod as the piano accompaniment began. Although the music could have been better, Gustave was flawless. His pitch, pace, technique, all of it was perfect. He started out a bit stiff, but eventually, he was walking across the stage, the scarf now held in his hands. He was managing to replicate Christine's performance without ever seeing it; he had seen Hannibal at a local theatre, but the staging had changed. Yet, he managed to replicate some simple moves, reminding me more of his mother than ever before
It was then that the most difficult part of the song arrived: the vocalization at the end. We had lowered the range to make it comfortable for him, but the final note was still the highest Gustave had ever reached. The room was silent as he paused, taking a deep breath before he flowed into it. He had made the runs his own, totally different from how his mother had performed it. I hadn't realized that I had been holding my breath until I exhaled quickly when Gustave successfully sang the highest note in the song, not a voice crack to be heard.
The room erupted into applause, but I was the first to my feet. I caught Gustave's eye as he bowed and gave him a wide grin. I was too proud to even try to phrase sentences, but the tears in my eyes and my never-ending clapping conveyed it for me.
The results were soon revealed for the show and applause filled the room once more when Gustave was declared the winner. The other contestants swarmed him, showing all the admiration they could while knowing full well what the next day brought for him and so many others. Everyone was determined to make it a special evening for him, and I greatly appreciated it.
We all waited in our seats for Gustave to rejoin us in order to congratulate him, and when he finally did walk over, William almost knocked him over with the force of his hug. "You did great, Gustave! Really lightened the mood," he said, unable to keep the sorrow from his voice.
"Thanks," Gustave replied grimly, but his face quickly brightened when Lara pushed her bouquet into his arms and gave him a kiss. "Thank you, Lara."
"Of course! I figured I would get you roses since they're your favourite. Yours too, Erik," she said with a little laugh. "You were incredible tonight."
"You would think I would have felt prepared enough without practice. Music is on both sides of my family and my parents are brilliant musicians, and yet I have still been practicing for months," Gustave replied. "You cannot even begin to comprehend how many times I cracked on that high note in rehearsal!"
"Well, you definitely didn't tonight!" Lara laughed and gave Gustave a hug, which morphed into him lifting her up and spinning her around. "And you won on top of all of that!"
"I don't even know how I did that."
"You were flawless, that's how!" I said with a scoff. "How could you be confused about that?"
"That last note should not be able to be sung by a human. Of course you won," Charles added.
Gustave laughed. "You're all ridiculous," he said. "Though I appreciate the compliments."
"This resounding success calls for a celebration, doesn't it?" I asked. "Everyone come back to our house for tea. There's a little surprise I want to show you as well."
"Oh no," Nadir grumbled, dodging the smack on the arm that I was prepared to give him.
"A surprise? Of what nature?" Maddie asked, a brightness in her eyes that I hadn't seen for a while.
"You'll have to wait and see," I replied with a smirk.
~~~~~
"Make yourselves comfortable, everyone. Maddie, you know where the kettle is, so you can get that started while I go get my surprise," I said as everyone walked into the house.
"I'll help you," Lara offered as she walked to the kitchen with Madeleine. "Tell us when the surprise is ready, Erik!"
"Of course!" I replied as I hurried up the stairs and into Gustave's room. Just where I had left her was Sasha, asleep in her crate. My heart skipped a beat when I saw her, recalling the few fond memories I had with the first Sasha in my life from when I was a child. We had gotten into so much trouble and my mother barely knew what to do with us, but we had too much fun. Then she was ripped so wickedly from me by those idiotic little boys in town. To have a new little puppy to love as I had loved her was a great blessing, especially because we missed so much time together.
"Hello, sleepyhead," I said, reaching down into the little enclosed space and stroking her fur. Sasha quickly woke up and started licking my hand, already full of energy. "Do you want to go meet everyone?"
The puppy's rapid tail wagging and eager little whines answered my question immediately, so I scooped her into my arms and carried her downstairs. "Ready for the surprise?" I asked.
"Yes! We're all in the sitting room!" Maddie called. I then stepped into the room, laughing when she practically leapt out of her chair to greet the little ball of fur in my arms. "Where did she come from?"
"Gustave and I pooled our money to buy her," Nadir replied, sipping his tea and watching the pandemonium unfold before him.
"She's so sweet," Lara said from where she sat. "Can I hold her, Erik?"
"Of course. This is Sasha," I said as I handed the puppy over. "Named after my childhood dog."
Lara was practically giddy with little Sasha in her arms - rubbing her fur, scratching her ears, letting the dog lick her face. "Oh, I wish we had a dog, but Mother's so allergic that we can't."
"Well...won't Sasha's fur stick to your clothes and go home with you?" Charles asked.
"Oh, who cares. Your mother will just sneeze a little, you'll be fine," William said. "But you get to play with the puppy that I want to play with, so share, Lara." He got to his feet and walked over to her, taking Sasha into his arms. "Aren't you sweet, little girl?"
"Your house is getting busy, isn't it, Erik?" Charles asked, smiling as Sasha squirmed in William's arms. "You practically have an infant in the house. Can you handle it?"
"I'll manage, I think," I said. "Sasha will give me someone to baby because Gustave won't let me do that anymore."
Lara laughed and took Gustave's hand in hers. "Why won't you let him treat you like his little boy? That's all he wants, you know. That's what most parents want. You're his only child!"
"He's being ridiculous. Just because I don't let him fix my hair every three seconds doesn't mean I don't want him to keep being a parent," Gustave said with a roll of his eyes.
"I know, I'm teasing. Sasha will keep me busy and give me someone else to associate with besides Nadir," I said.
My friend groaned but was still shooting me a smile all the while. "You know we're still going to be around each other all the time. You can't get rid of me," he said.
"If I really wanted to, I could."
"Oh, but you don't want to. Plus, if you did, what fun would that be?"
I couldn't help but smile. "You raise a good point. The two of us and this puppy is going to be quite the experience."
"It probably will be. I wish I could stay to see it," Gustave said softly. As much as everyone in the room hated that the statement was accurate, we had come to accept that reality. Sasha was bought to keep me busy while he was gone - something to try and stop me from thinking about the fact that my son and his best friend were in the military, the possibility of them being killed looming constantly. It was terrifying, and I wasn't sure any puppy would be able to help that whatsoever.
William sighed, stroking Sasha's head as she started dozing off on his lap. "I think we both wish that," he said as his father wrapped an arm around him.
"We ought to get going," Charles said as he noticed the tears quickly pooling in his wife's eyes despite her clear effort to keep it together. "We...we have to be up early tomorrow morning."
"We all do. Thank you for coming," Gustave said, getting up and helping Maddie to her feet. "Having you all in the audience tonight meant a lot."
"Of course, like you said, we may not look like a family but we are and we wouldn't have missed this for anything," Madeleine said, giving him a tight hug before moving to do the same for me. "We'll see you all at the station tomorrow."
Hugs were exchanged with the rest of her family before they left, with Lara starting to get ready soon after. "I don't want Father to worry about me if I'm out too late," she said, trying to laugh through the comment but starting to choke up quickly as she turned to Gustave. "But I don't want to go. I don't want you to go, Gustave."
I sighed and walked back to my chair in the sitting room, leaving the couple in the front foyer and trying my best to block out Lara's tearful expressions. "I can't bear to even think about tomorrow," I said, looking at Nadir sitting across from me. "He shouldn't be leaving. This senseless war is stealing so many lives, it's ridiculous."
"I share your sentiments, Erik, I truly do," Nadir said as he stroked Sasha's back. "There's nothing to be done about it now, unfortunately. I know that if there had been some way to change this whole thing, you would have made it happen by now."
I nodded, turning to look into the front hallway when I heard the door close and seeing Gustave hurry towards the stairwell. "He's distraught. I can't even imagine what tomorrow is going to be like."
Nadir set Sasha on the floor and walked over to me, resting a hand on my shoulder. "It is going to be far from easy for any of us, but you're going to have to support him. He's young and doesn't know how to handle circumstances like this just yet. He's going to need you to be as present as possible, which means you need to sleep as best you can."
"You actually expect me to be able to do that?" I asked, looking up at him wearily. "I can't sleep well because of nightmares on a regular night. How am I supposed to sleep tonight while my brain thinks every gruesome way I could lose my son?"
"That's why I said as best you can. I understand that it's going to be a struggle, but you have to try. I'm going to go home, but I'll meet you at the station tomorrow. 8 o'clock, remember?"
"How could I possibly forget?"
Nadir sighed, giving my shoulder a squeeze. "Good night, Erik," he whispered as he walked to the front door.
I waited until I heard the door click shut before I got to my feet, having taken that time to collect myself. "Come along, Sasha," I called as I moved to turn the lights off, smirking as the little dog slowly stood up and followed me to the stairs. Her paws ended up slipping on the hardwood, though, so I picked her up for the trek upstairs.
"Gustave, I just..." I began, only to train off as I walked into his room. I had expected to find him awake, but instead, he was fast asleep, still in his day clothes, with tear stains fresh on his cheeks. I set Sasha down in her crate, then moved to his bedside and gently woke him.
"Gustave, get under the sheets. You'll wake up chilled," I whispered.
He stirred, groaning and rubbing his face. "It's not time to go to the station yet," he mumbled.
I sighed, trying not to let him hear the shaking in my voice. "I know, but you fell asleep on top of your sheets. You don't need to change, but at least let me tuck you in so you aren't cold," I reasoned.
With a slow nod, he slipped beneath the sheets and let me pull them up to his chest. Before I could stand up, though, he grabbed my hand and looked at me with tear-filled eyes. "I don't want to go to the station. I don't want to leave you and Lara and Uncle Nadir and..." he said, his voice breaking slightly.
"I know, Gustave, shh," I said, smoothing down his hair. "Try not to think about it for now. You need rest, alright? I'll see you tomorrow."
Gustave nodded, then smiled up at me. "I'm letting you fix my hair. Are you happy with that?" he asked.
A breathy laugh escaped me. "Very."
"Good night, Papa," Gustave whispered. "I love you."
I bit my lip, willing myself to hold back my tears as I thought about never hearing those sentences again. "Good night, mio soldatino," I said as I bent over and kissed his forehead. "I love you too."
Getting to my feet, I left the room and walked to my own, only for my knees to buckle as soon as I stepped inside. My chest was heaving as I tried desperately, then failed miserably to keep myself from crying. I knew nothing could completely soothe the pain I felt, but I could think of one source of some comfort, so that's where I went. Slowly, I raised a shaky hand and dipped it into my shirt, pulling a silver chain out from under my shirt. After I had exchanged Christine's rings at her funeral, I put her wedding band on the chain and had worn it ever since, right over my heart, to keep a part of her close.
"Oh, Christine," I whispered, clutching the ring to my lips as if it was a direct line to her soul. "What am I supposed to do?
"How can I let him go?"
~~~~~
GUSTAVE
The morning had come far too quickly. As I had figured, I had hardly slept; between simple restlessness and nightmares, there was no way that I could have calmed my heart enough to sleep. When I got downstairs, I found Papa already at the table, his fingers rapidly tapping the top of it. I could tell he hadn't gotten much sleep either, as the exhausted look on his face so easily revealed. He turned to me and frowned a bit when he saw the mess of hair that I knew was on my head, but I let him fix it for me without protest, allowing him to pull through any knots and smooth it down. "Thank you, Papa," I whispered.
We ate in silence, knowing that if we tried to speak, tears wouldn't be far behind. Our morning up until we reached the station was quiet, in fact; not a word as we moved my luggage, the same case that we had traveled to London with, the one I had been too stubborn to let him carry for me. We continued in bitter silence as we travelled to the station and made our way to the platform. We only spoke as we arrived at that very platform, finding everyone already gathered there to wait.
Aunt Madeleine was the first one to hug me, even beating Lara to it. "You two take care of each other, okay?" she said, practically begging me to listen to her. "I want you both to come home and meet the baby and start families of your own and..." Her words faded into tears and sobs, so I hugged her tighter and let her cry into my chest.
"We're both going to come home, Maddie," I said softly as I let Uncle Charles pull her into his arms before he offered me a side hug.
"We'll be waiting for you. Both of you," he said. Even he was getting choked up, which said quite a lot; between him and Madeleine, he was usually more composed.
I nodded, giving him a pat on the back. I stood aside for a moment, Lara joining me and wrapping her arms around my waist. Willam hugged Papa and Nadir, then looked to his parents and ran into their open arms. "I'll be back soon. They say it'll be over soon, so I'll be back before you know it," I heard him say before he kneeled down and rested his head against Maddie's belly. "I'll see you soon."
That was all it took to make her cry even harder than before, if that was possible. "I love you so much, William," she said, hugging him again when he stood up.
"I love you too, Mother." William glanced over at me and Lara, which seemed to make him come to a realization. "Oh, Lara, do you have what I asked you for?" he inquired.
"Yes, I do," she said, unwrapping her arms from around me to reach into her handbag and pull out a slip of paper, passing it to William. "Here you go."
"Thank you," William replied, smiling as he pulled her into his arms. "Make sure she's okay for me, will you?"
"Of course. Goodbye, William."
Will pulled away from her and looked at me. "I'll save you a seat with me," he said as he picked up his suitcase and stepped onto the train.
I sighed, turning back to Aunt Maddie and Uncle Charles and hugging them again. "You two can get home. You need to rest," I said quietly. "I'll be alright here with the others."
Uncle Charles nodded, wrapping his arm around his wife and starting to walk away. "Goodbye, Gustave," he said.
I watched them go for only a moment before I turned to Uncle Nadir, rushing into his arms. "Goodbye," I whispered. "Promise me that you'll take care of him."
"I swear it. You know I would never lie to you...especially about him," Nadir said as he gave me a tight squeeze. " Au revoir, mon ami."
I leaned back, a grin on my face. "Did...did you just speak French? Grammatically correct, sensical French?" I asked.
"The one French phrase that I grasped out of all your father's teachings. The same one I used to say goodbye as he left Persia."
I smiled and gave him another hug. " Au revoir," I whispered, stepping away and turning back to Lara. "My love. You know I hate to leave you."
"And you know how much I hate to watch you leave," she replied, her voice strangled by the cries that she was so obviously holding back. Her eyes were red, her face blotchy like it always was when she tried not to cry. "I...I have something for you," she said, reaching behind her neck and unclasping the necklace that she wore, then handing it to me. "I...My picture is inside. A little keepsake."
I opened the little locket, smiling when I saw my favourite picture of Lara inside; her smile wide, her green eyes sparkling, her golden hair intricately braided. "Beautiful. Thank you. Though it would take more than distance for me to ever forget your beauty," I said as I pulled her into my arms. I could feel the tears as they ran from her eyes to my shirt, but I didn't care. I was trying to memorize every aspect of the feeling of having her in my arms. "Please my love... don't cry. I will see you once again. On my life I swear this is not our story's end. Though I am far away don't you once believe you're all alone. For every part of my heart will be with you each day that I am gone."
"Seasons may change, love, but remember; I will love you until the end of time," she said as she buried her face in my chest.
I kissed the top of her head before I tipped her head up so we were looking at each other again. "Come what may, Lara, I promise that I will love you until my dying day," I swore as I held her face in my hands and gave her a kiss, trying to pour all of the love and feeling I couldn't convey in words into one gesture. "I love you so much."
"I love you more. Come home to me, my darling."
" Je retournerai toujours ," I said to her. I wanted to see her face as she tried to figure out what I had said. It was the little way her intelligent emerald eyes seemed to be searching her brain that I had wanted to see one more time.
"What does that mean?" Her voice was still rough from crying but she was determined to have an answer regardless. Oh, god I was going to miss her.
"It means 'I will always come back', and I will, one way or another."
"You better."
I held onto her with another kiss before I turned to give my final goodbye - to Papa. He had been silent the entire time; I had only heard him speak to say goodbye to William, but he hadn't said a word since. I looked at him with a sad sigh, watching him fiddle with his wedding ring. "Papa..." I whispered as I hurried into his arms, feeling him hug me tight. "I'm scared."
"I'm scared too, Gustave. I think we all are. But that's alright. I think I would be more worried about you if you weren't scared," he said. He was trying so hard to be comforting, but he was just as shaky as I was.
"Thank you," I said to him.
His grip loosened on me as I said that. I leaned back a bit to look at him and noticed that he seemed to be confused. That suspicion was confirmed as he said, "What on earth for?"
"For being the one that stayed, the one that fought. For the past eight years of my life, which have been amazing. In case I don't get another chance to tell you, I need you to know that I am grateful for everything." I tried to keep explaining that to him but he pulled me back into a tight hug, and that was all I needed to know that he understood. "I love you, Papa."
"And I you, Gustave." He pulled back and cupped my cheek with his hand, brushing my face with his thumb. "I never thought your nickname would become our reality, mio soldatino," he said with a shaky breath. "My hope when you came into my care was to protect you from this wicked part of the world, but a sheltered life is no life to lead. I, of all people, know that too well. I have tried to help you to have the life and experiences that I never had, but I realize now that in order for that to happen, I must let you go. I wish that war wasn't the reason that I have to allow you to leave my care, but alas, here we are.
"I love you more than anything in this world. Just...promise me that you will come home. I don't know what I would do with myself if you didn't." He was quickly getting more choked up than I was. I could hear it in his voice - how strong he was trying to be. He must have seen the worry on my face, though, because he cracked a smile and added, "Plus, I don't think I can deal with Nadir for that long."
We laughed and hugged each other again, holding on much longer and tighter than usual this time. "Goodbye, Papa," I said, pausing as he kissed my forehead. "I love you."
"I love you more, my boy," he replied.
I smiled weakly and walked to the train, giving my family one last look before the conductor blew his whistle and I had to hop on board. My luggage was stored and I walked through the passenger car, soon finding where Will was sitting with two other young boys our age across from him.
"Well, that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life," William said as I slipped past him to take the window seat. "I've never seen Mother cry so hard, and I can tell Father's going to be a mess when they get home."
"I know. I hate it when Madeleine's upset," I mumbled, fidgeting with Lara's locket. "Lara too."
William nodded. "You should have seen Jane when we said goodbye for the last time."
I sighed, heartbroken for my friend. "I'm sorry you had to leave so early into your relationship. Did she give you anything as a memento? Lara gave me a little locket."
William nodded and lifted his left hand. "Promise ring. We exchanged them - mine has her name in it, hers has mine, but it's one of those rings with a little hidden message inside, so it says 'fly away' in it. It's a little thing between us," he explained, but paused. "How's your dad?"
I shook my head. "Keeping up a facade of strength. He can fool all but two people with that - me and Uncle Nadir," I said. "I'm scared for him."
Will gave my knee a pat as the train's whistle blew and we started to move. "He'll be okay. We'll be back soon enough."
I nodded and looked out the window at the platform. I saw Lara waving at me, so I returned the gesture. Uncle Nadir was looking over his shoulder...and Papa was nowhere to be found.
"We can't get back soon enough," I said softly.
~~~~~
NADIR
"Erik," I said as I watched him turn and walk away once Gustave was out of sight. "Erik!" My calls fell on deaf ears and all I could do was watch until he was out of my sight, quickly realizing just how dangerous the next few hours could be for him.
"Erik, are we-" Lara began, turning around as the train left, only to pause when she noticed the absence of the man she wished to speak with. "Where did he go?"
"Home, I believe," I said, running a hand through my hair as the possibilities of where he would go otherwise ran through my head frantically.
"We were supposed to go to the café down the street for tea." The young girl was disappointed, I could tell, but I wasn't shocked that a lunch date had been the last thing on Erik's mind as he fled.
"As much as Erik is a man who keeps any and every appointment that he makes, I know him and he wants nothing to do with people at the moment. It is nothing against you at all, Lara, but his defence mechanism is isolation. I need to interfere with that, though. I'm afraid of what he'll do to himself if I don't."
Lara looked at me with wide eyes, seemingly immediately understanding the implication. "You really think he'd do that?" she asked, her voice hushed.
"I don't think; I know." I gave Lara a quick pat on the shoulder and put the hat that I'd been holding in my hands back on my head. "I hate to leave you alone, but I have to make sure he's safe. Will you be alright to get home?"
"Yes, I'll be just fine. Now go; I wouldn't want something to happen to him because I kept you here to chat," she said, giving me a hug. "Good day, Mister Khan."
"And you as well, Lara," I said as I took off, hailing a cab and giving them the address to Erik's home. My heart pounded in my chest every time the driver stopped, as that was one more delay I could not afford. My fingers were tapping away on my knee the entire ride; an anxious tick that I had managed to pick up from Erik himself.
When we reached his house, I tipped my driver and hurried up the front steps, using my spare key to get in. As I stepped in, the silence that greeted me was eerie. It wasn't the usual quiet in that house; there was no music from down the hall, no footsteps from upstairs. It was as quiet as a tomb, and with Erik, that was the most frightening kind.
I stepped into the kitchen, glad to find my friend nowhere in it. I checked the drawers and everything seemed to be accounted for. Even still, that didn't mean he was out of danger; he could be anywhere with the tools he needed to do serious damage to himself.
"Erik, where-" I began, only to jump when I heard something smash against a wall from upstairs. Setting my hat on the table, I hurried down the hall to the stairwell and up to the second floor. "Erik, what's happening?"
I opened the door to his study and took a step inside, but stopped and slowly backed out, my eyes locked on the scene in front of me: Erik was on his knees in the middle of the room, tears pouring down his face and his mask cast to the ground. Broken glass surrounded him after he had clearly smashed a glass of some sort, explaining the sound I had heard, and his hands were bloody from kneeling with his fists pressed into the carpet littered with glass shards. As if the visual wasn't shocking enough, though, the words that left his mouth made my jaw drop the slightest bit.
"God on high...turn your attention to a man as lowly and insignificant as I am and please hear my prayer," he begged. Erik had turned back to his Christianity, I realized, and that was something he had only ever done one other time when he was just as desperate and broken; when Reza died. It had been years...decades since then, and I knew without him saying a word that it was the first time that he had made a plea to his God since then.
"I beg you to turn your attention to Gustave, where he may be. He is all I have in this world after you took your angel, Christine, back to join your heavenly ranks, so I ask that you bring him home. I made an oath to the woman that I love most in this world that I would protect him and I know that keeping one's word is one of your requirements, so help me live up to that. He is so young...he's only a boy! And William is like a second son that I feel like I've known his entire life. These boys are young and inexperienced; neither of them has ever held a gun in their life. He didn't ask me to be born, so why should he learn of war or pain? My Lord, to make sure he's not hurt again, I swear I would give my life for him."
My heart ached as I watched my friend hiccup through his words, eventually breaking down in sobs again. Erik never begged for anything; never for something he needed, never for mercy at the hands of his countless abusers. The last thing he would ever beg for is pity. He knew he would not receive it so he decided he never wanted it. But with the life of his one and only child at risk, begging for the pity of God almighty was his last resort. I understood the desperation; I would have done the same. I had done the same, in fact.
"I ask that you give them strength, but give me strength as well so that I may have the will to keep living on this earth. I am well aware that suicide is the greatest sin in your eyes, but that temptation has never left my mind. Look at me and have mercy, in helping me to get through this," Erik added, gasping for breath. "Then again, why would you ever listen to the prayer of a sinner such as myself? Blood coats my hands, I am a liar, a thief...I am just about all that you hate, and I have turned my back on you for so long. I have never been a pious person, but listen to the plea of a desperate father. Gustave tells me that you can take and you can give. You took any chance of me having a normal life from the day I was born, so all I ask of you is that you let him live. Bring him home, please. Don't let the light of my life go out so soon..."
I finally took a few cautious steps into the room as he concluded his prayer, bowed his head and began repeating the word 'please' over and over through his tears. "Erik," I said gently.
"Go away, Nadir," he croaked, his voice cracking as he spoke.
I shook my head, even though his head was hung and he couldn't see the gesture. "No, I am not leaving. I'm just going to go get something to clean you up, but as much as you think you can do this on your own, you can't."
I stepped out for a moment and raided the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, returning to Erik's side with tweezers, bandages, and rubbing alcohol on a cloth. "Now don't move," I said as I took his hand and removed the little glass shards before cleaning the wounds.
"I don't need you here," he insisted, anger lacing his voice through the hissing sound he made as the rubbing alcohol did its work.
"You would have let yourself bleed out. You said you would be better than your mother, not be the same as her," I retorted.
Erik paused, taking a few shaky breaths as he considered the truth that I had presented him with. I saw the scars on his wrists from when his mother almost let him bleed to death as a boy; I was not going to allow that event to repeat itself by his own hand.
"I don't need you," he reiterated, his voice now quiet and less determined to get me to go.
"You and I both know that is one of the biggest lies you have ever told in your entire life," I said, setting the cloth down and starting to wrap one of his hands. "We have needed each other for one reason or another since the moment we met, whether it was when I was sick, when you were poisoned, when Reza died and every second in between. You told me the night that I agreed to help you raise Gustave all those years ago that you knew you couldn't do it alone. So why should you be the only one of the two of us to be afraid and angry? Damn it, Erik, that boy is as much a son to me as he is to you. Don't you think I'm furious about this and petrified about him getting killed? I've already lost one son in my lifetime and I am just as terrified about losing Gustave, blood relations be damned.
"I know you. You mourn him like he's dead even though he's only just left! We're all scared, Erik; everyone on this planet is scared, but you know who's the most afraid? Those boys; our boys. They are petrified, so it's our responsibility to be their pillar of strength. Haven't you considered how Gustave would feel if he found you in this state? What does that do for him?"
"Don't you dare compare my feelings to his," Erik growled, shoving me away and leaving bloodstains on my shirt. "I do not feel fear as he does; rather, Daroga, I feel loss. Eight years ago I didn't even know he existed, and yet the moment he entered my life, it was like he'd been with me since he was born. The only way I was making it through each passing day then was by focusing on my work and my work alone. Then he entered my life and became my reason for living, Nadir!" He laughed a bit, almost as if that was the only way to keep himself from breaking down again; the smile that was so obviously fake told me that, plain and simple.
"He is the reason that you and I are having this conversation because he gave me a reason not to die. You cannot even begin to comprehend how many times I contemplated suicide in America; there was a gun on my piano that I held to my head countless times, holding back for God knows what reason. Then he entered my life and it was like everything made sense in the world for once! The only other time I had ever felt such bliss was the day I first set eyes on his mother. If something were to happen to him, how could I ever forgive myself? You know, if it weren't for me, he would still have his mother and they would still be in France!" he said, running his hand over his head and laughing in his delirium. "Philippe would probably have helped to buy Gustave out of his military service because you know that family has the money to do it. He would have had a better chance if it weren't for me...he wouldn't be caught up in this senseless fight."
My brows were creased as I held his cheek in one hand and turned his head so he was looking at me. "But Erik, you forget," I said gently. "Without you, he doesn't exist."
His eyes went wide as my statement so obviously hit him hard. He preached that the boy would fare better if he had never been involved, but Gustave never would have been created if that were the case. The resurgence of strained sobs and free-flowing tears proved that he had realized the gravity of those words, so I sat with my back against his bookshelf and gently pulled him to join me. I simply let him get it all out, his head on my shoulder and my arm around him as I gently hushed him. Eventually, the crying ceased, leaving Erik a mess as he tried to catch his breath.
"I...I got blood on your shirt," he croaked, finally acknowledging that little mistake from a few moments ago. "That's not going to come out, you know."
I waved him off. "You were in hysterics, it's alright," I replied softly as I grabbed the bandages and started wrapping his other hand.
"I'm sorry you had to see me like that, Nadir. It wasn't meant to be a moment that I shared with others."
"I've seen you in worse scenarios. Even still, when are you going to learn that you don't have to apologize for being human?"
I felt him shrug. "I'm simply not used to it," he explained. "For the longest time, I was told that I was about as far from being 'human' as an individual can be, so I suppose I remain in that mindset even now."
"Believe it or not, you are human, Erik. I've seen that side of you before; first in Persia with Reza and now with Gustave. I know you are human, though you may feel otherwise at times," I said.
"My mother said that to me. She wrote me a letter, you know. Hid it in a picture frame with her and my father's photographs; she apologized, called me human amongst other comments. Although, I believe the jury is still out on that theory."
"I'm sure it is," I replied, laughing quietly with him.
We sat in silence for a few minutes then, the ticking of the grandfather clock in the room the only sound besides an occasional sniffle from Erik. Eventually, though, I found the words to break that silence: "You're going to make it through this, Erik, and you aren't going to do it alone."
He tilted his head to look at me then, the smallest of smiles pulling at the corners of his lips as he did. "Neither are you," he whispered.
~~~~~
updated: 11-14-20
word count - 10,047
wow emotions much pain such ow
sorry guys lol. we hope you enjoyed anyways <3