Chapter 2
The trial was over. Winter was no longer on it's way, it was here. And life on the farm had settled down to taking care of the animals that were in the barn or coop. Winter winds almost blew right through Tanner as he walked from the barn to the house carrying the morning's milk. But, inside the house it was toasty warm. Nana looked up at him and smiled as he entered. Tanner tried to smile back, but the smile did not quite make it to his eyes before it was gone.
"Tanner, can you get me the butter?" Nana asked with another smile.
"Yes, ma'am. Where is Julie this morning?"
"Here I am." She said as she came in from outside shivering with the basket of eggs. Tanner placed the butter on the counter next to Nana and reached for the eggs from Julie. After placing them on the counter. He took Julie in his arms and hugged her tight rubbing his hands up and down her back and arms quickly to warm her up. Then he leaned down and gave her a kiss. Not a quick peck he normally gave in Nana's presence, but one to help Julie heat up the rest of the way.
Nana grinned to herself, but Charlie came in and said, "Easy kids." And Tanner and Julie broke apart and moved to opposite sides of the kitchen.
"Now Charlie? Don't you remember being young and in love."
"Of course I do. But, I am not ready for grandchildren."
"Daddy!" Julie exclaimed while she blushed ten shades of red.
Julie could tell that Tanner was still mourning, and she was there for him. But, she didn't want to force him to talk about things he was not comfortable about. She was glad that he had her father and Brent to talk to, and even Pastor Rick checked in on him to see how he was handling things. But, as they drove to school, Julie could feel a nagging in her heart to ask Tanner if everything was OK. He had been quiet and distant, and until that kiss in the kitchen this morning, he had not kissed her in days.
Tonya left them to find Brent and Julie took Tanner's hand to let him know she wanted to stay and talk. Julie turned towards Tanner, but moved away slightly to give him room. But, she held on to his hand letting him know she was there for him. The fog he had been walking in since his mother's death was heavy and dark at times, and Julie wanted to help him through it.
"Is everything OK." Julie asked.
Tanner did not look over at her, he just looked down at the steering wheel. "Yeah. I mean I guess so."
"What is going on? I mean, I am here for you, if you can't talk to me about it, please talk to someone."
"No. It's not like that. I want to talk, but I just don't know..."
Julie moved closer. Right now she wanted to hold him and let him know everything would be OK. As she moved closer, Tanner put his hand up. "Not right now."
"Wh... what? Why? I just want to comfort you."
"I know, and I appreciate that. But I don't want to use you just to feel something. Anything."
"That's why." Julie said as she realized that is why he was so distant. "That's why we have not been close." They had held hands and sat next to each other, but there was this wall up.
"I don't want to hurt you. I love you. That has not and never will change." Tanner started to feel the tears burning the backs of his eyes as they welled up. "Julie, right now I just feel numb. There is so much I don't understand. So much I can't accept. And when I kissed you this morning, it was wonderful and that was the first time in days...weeks even that I did not feel numb. But, I will not... I will NOT use you like that." The whole time, Tanner had not looked up, but now he glanced over at Julie without moving his face.
"Tanner, you are not using me. I want to be close to you. I feel your pain. Remember I have been there. I have lost my mother too. I know what your are going through. Let me help you."
"But Julie, you know where your mother is right now. I don't."
"You mean, was your mother saved?"
"Yeah, is she in heaven or in hell? I know that is stupid of me to worry about, but I do. And she was coming to see me." The tears were now streaming down Tanner's face when he admitted the guilt of the situation. "Me! Why? If she would have waited a day, or even a few hours, she would still be alive."
Julie moved even closer and took his head in her arms and pulled it to her chest to cradle him. She wanted to comfort him and let him know everything was going to be OK. She held him for several moments until his crying stopped. Then she had a splendid idea. "Let's go."
"What?" Tanner said as he sat up and wiped his tears away.
"Let's go find out."
"Julie, we have school. And besides, how?"
"Well, we have not checked in yet, so today we are absent! And I guess we start with her AA sponsor."
Tanner had a look of understanding as he pulled out of the school parking lot. For the millionth time since him mom's death, he thanked God for Julie.
By ten o'clock they had located Mr. Adams and was sitting across from him in a diner. Mr. Adams took a sip of his coffee and leaned in on the table. "Tanner, how are you doing? I have been thinking about you a lot lately."
"I'm OK. Thank you sir."
"Your mom was a special lady."
"Honestly, I would not know." Tanner said as he looked down at the table and held Julie's hand in his.
"Yeah, I do know that." Mr. Adams, a man who had seen everything in his twenty years of sobriety. And he had seen this before. Parents who had neglected their children were not new to him. But, unfortunately Ann Jones had died before she could tell her son everything. Now it was up to him to let Tanner know what he thought the boy could handle hearing. "Tanner, I know you don't know this, but your mother did love you."
Tanner did not say anything he just sat quietly. Holding on to Julie like someone shipwrecked holding on to a lifesaver.
Mr. Adams took a deep breath, "Alcohol makes people do crazy things. And I have seen some crazy things. Ann put up with a lot in life. She was abused, mentally, sexually and physically. Not only by your father, but her parents abused her as well."
"I know. Grandma, my Dad's mom tried to help her and my Dad. But, they didn't want it."
"Well, I can't speak for that. But I know what your Mom told me. I also know where she was when I started working with her and where she was when she died." Mr. Adams took another deep breath. "I am going to be honest. She was a mess when she started. She wanted to change her life, but she had lived it so long, it was hard. She told me it was one of the hardest things she ever did." Mr. Adams paused looking directly into Tanner's eyes. "She said the hardest thing she has ever lived through is watching your father abuse you. She wanted the strength to stand up to him, but she didn't. She lived with that for a long time and it ate at her. She hated herself for that."
"What made her finally change?" Tanner asked.
"You did. She couldn't live with how she left things with you. She felt guilty and ashamed and for a long time, she buried herself in the bottle." Mr. Adams shook his head. "She said that one afternoon, she woke up. She had not drunk anything since the night before, and the phone rang. It was someone asking how to reach you, she said she could not think of anything to tell them. She didn't know where you were or how to get in touch with you. You ate at her conscience. Within a day, she was sitting right here, right where you sit. We talked and talked and talked. She told me later in those early days, when she wanted a drink so bad that she could taste it running down her throat, she would think of you and some way over the years she had let you down."
Mr. Adams saw the tear welling up in Tanner's eyes. He knew that the boy had never had a mother that he could depend on. But now Tanner needed to hear how much his mother depended on him for her sobriety. "She said she had a lot of those memories, that she had let you down daily for years. Finally after a couple of months sober, she said she wanted to find you and never let you down again. Show you how she had changed."
Tanner took a deep breath. "Well, it didn't go so well. She walked out again."
"No son, she didn't. Yes, she left the farm. And she hated that she left things like that. But she saw how happy you were and that there was a family that loved you like she never did. She was truly happy for you. She told me that you got a second chance and you were taking it and that she wished she would have taken her second chance when it was offered and things would have been different for both of you."
Under the table Julie squeezed his hand. She did not want to imagine her life without Tanner. But, she did not want him hurting. If his life could have been better, she would have wanted that for him. But, the past can never be changed, only by changing your path can your future change. And Tanner had done that. He had changed over the past six months and she knew his future had changed.
Tanner looked across to Mr. Adams. He needed to know why? "What happened the night of the accident that made her want to come and see me?"
"Well, it was something that had been happening. Not only was she getting sober and reclaiming her life, but her heart and her mindset were changing. She started going to church right after coming to AA. At first, I think she just went. Sat in the back and listened. But, the Sunday before she died, she told me that she wanted more. She felt empty and she knew that only one thing could fill that empty spot. She had been meeting with the pastor for a few weeks, not really in counseling, but I am sure he did some of that also. But, she had questions about God that she wanted answered. Well, the day of the accident, she had a meeting with him. When she came to the meeting, I knew something was different. There was a peace about her. She told me that she had accepted Christ as her personal Savior earlier that day and she no longer felt empty. She was coming to tell you. It was important for her to tell you."
"So, she was saved?"
"Yes, she was very proud of that and the change was evident on her face and her life. She wanted to tell you that she loved you and that she wanted to let you know she was proud of you for changing your life. She also wanted to tell you that Jesus loves you."
"Thank you sir, for your time and for being honest with me." Tanner said.
"Tanner, if you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to ask. I don't have a lot, but I would be more than willing to help. I tell people all the time that they can't live in the 'What IF's' but since your mother's accident I have wondered, what if I would have taken her to coffee or kept her talking for a few more minutes. She may have missed that drunk driver."
"Don't worry sir, like you said, we can't live in what if." Tanner said as he stood up and shook Mr. Adam's hand. He now knew his mother was at peace. Maybe he could have some peace now too.