I entered the sitting area at the photoshoot venue Mother, Dad, Deja and a couple of other people accompanied Bella also. Everyone left to watch Bella doing her thing as I stayed in the room and entertained myself. I knew I would only have a few minutes of isolation before it would get interrupted.
I was just spending the time to think, however, or gaze at the door. So many thoughts rushed about all at once, that I didn't pay much more attention to it after a while. I just slightly crossed my legs and gazed blankly -more than anything - at that door. Normally, I love being alone. But now that they feel that they have to check up on me, I resent it. I honestly don't need anyone, I can do just fine on my own. I don't even need an occupation, or in my situation, occupations. I don't want to interact with so many people. Just one.
The door opened shortly after and my used to be favourite cousin, Deja, entered. She gave a small smile before it was replaced with a quirked brow when I didn't respond to her.
"Z, I know you wanna be alone, but I just need some answers." She sat beside me, but one foot of space in between us. "Your eyes, it doesn't resonate with how you used to be." She observed.
I swear when I'm done with this ritual, they won't even want me to be around them anymore.
"I'm sure that is not the question you wanted to ask." I gazed at her for a while. "Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Yeah, why do yo-"
"Does he allow you to cheat?" I got a smack on my arm as a response. That would normally hurt, coming from her, but it didn't. It just irritated me. "Was I supposed to feel anything?"—I got up and locked the door—"I was just asking a question." I leaned upon the door for a while as I felt her get nervous.
"Why are you doing this? What's wrong with you? Why don't you even seem like you have a soul??" She whispered the last part and stood up, looking concerned.
I just tilted my head and shrugged. She then walked towards me and again, stopped one foot before me. Despite being afraid, she began to ask me some questions and kept her eyes on mine. Needless to say, she was horrified in some of the short yet detailed answers I gave her. She shook her head and blinked back her tears when she came to the true conclusion. Something she didn't want to accept of course but still connected the dots.
She asked me to excuse myself from the door, but just kept a glare on her before I shoved her against the wall, beside the door. Then I put myself infront of her.
"And you think you're just going to get away with this information?" I laughed and she was truly full of fear and panic at the moment in time.
"You, you need to get some help, ok? I just wanna hel-"
Ok, trigger, brief sexual harassment:
**
"If my personal situation gets out, you'll die." She widened her eyes at my statement, not believing me. "But first, it will start with torture," I smirked and felt proud of myself at the fact that she didn't know how to react. To show disgust or fear.
"How many people have you ki-"
"Almost 50." I flipped my hair and laughed at her due to the tears flowing down her face. "Y'know, you're really beautiful." I kept my arms around her top and pressed my crotch against hers. To which she widened her eyes.
She shook her head furiously knowing what was coming for her, then proceeded to beg.
"Don't do this, Zendaya. Ok? You have control! You have control over yourself. You don't need to do this."
"Hah, see. This is the thing you all mi-" I paused. Like something in me momentarily snapped back into place, then I looked at how close I was to her, took 2 steps back and covered my mouth. That's my fucking cousin.. shit.
"S-see. You stopped. Y-"
"Shut up! There were angels around you, and-" I looked up and locked eyes with her, deciding to just use hypnosis, "you recall nothing of this situation, as though it never even happened. When others ask you where you were directly after this, you were just resting. Understood?"
"Understood." She replied dazed.
"When I snap my fingers this will take effect." I followed with that action and watched as her pupils dilated then she blinked and rubbed her head.
I exited the room just before I knew I'd snap back to the mentality I was at before.
.................................=.................................
"Z, you good in there?"
"I'm fine." I'm not a baby, dammit.
"Well, we gotta get going in a few. The shoot is almost done."
"Yeah." I rolled my eyes and waited until I heard them going away.
Another trigger, self-harm.
Which took longer than I'd like. When I could hear them in the far distance I continued to pull the object lodged in my arm, vertically. I stared blankly as the flesh tore, just feeling a slight sting, and the blood seeped slightly. But I wasn't elated. This type of thing used to bring me joy, but as it seems now, it barely even phases me. So to test my limits, I retrieved a new switchblade knife from my purse and dug it through my bicep. I groaned when it was still not satisfying. But just savoured the sting before slowly pulling the knife out a bit then slid it down my arm, right down to my palm. Just as minimal blood trickled out, the lengthy wound began to heal, giving me a slight sense of satisfaction. The blood left on my skin began to disappear, not leaving any discolouration on my skin or trace that blood was even there. That can be tricky though. If it's not my blood, it either doesn't 'go back into my skin' as quickly or just stays on the surface until it gets washed off.
Trigger ended. This was hard to write without feeling it. I'm almost 1 year clean❤️
I looked in the mirror and admired everything I saw on myself... momentarily of course. The rap at the door got the typical growling response out of me before I plastered on that fake smile again.
I opened the door and there stood my mom. She frowned and I proceeded to walk past her, dropping my smile. She surveyed me and asked if I was alright. And she probably took my sarcastic chuckle for a yes. But I don't care what it was interpreted as.
I just kept walking back to the room and retrieved my purse before anyone asked questions.
I refrained from responding to anyone on the ride home and, instead I locked my room door when I got into the villa. I picked up a pillow, holding it as tightly to my face as possible and screamed. It was more of a normal scream to my surprise, but I could practically hear silence after the six-second long vocal exert.
But that took a twist. (slight trigger, sounding like bulimia but isn't) ***
Almost immediately after, I felt like I was being choked. I put a hand on my mouth as choking sounds escaped it and instinctively stumbled into the bathroom. I collapsed on my knees and trembling, I put my fingers down my throat in all attempts to regurgitate whatever was making its way up my throat. I removed my fingers as I felt something slightly rough being pushed up my oesophagus. I ignored the concerned voices being sounded at the door because of the light wails escaping my throat as the matter made its way up. *** For the next three minutes that felt like a lifetime, it edged up further into my mouth. Finally, it was at a level where I had to open my mouth wider —than humanly possible— and I moved to the right for it to land in the trash. It was apparently weighty since a thud followed its collision with the plastic-covered trash bin. I exhaled shakily and sniffled, picking up on the putrid scent. Somewhat thick tears began to flow down my face, no matter how many times I blinked it back. I looked intently at the matter in the trash bin before some saliva filled my mouth and I hurled. It partially went into the trash and on the floor when I moved myself to the toilet. This went on for another 3 excruciating minutes. I found myself mumbling 'please stop' as I sat there quivering, feeling like I was about to have a seizure or an attack of some sort. People were still outside trying to convince me to open the door and asking of my state. One would guess that I was being strangulated for the first part. But it's when this door is opened and the smell of flesh burning and rotting, that new questions would arise.
I ignored the aches sent through my body as I stood up and watched my reflection. Bloody tears. That's what messed up my face and was messing up my shirt. Each time I blinked there was a red blur covering my vision. My body ceased trembling and I began to feel a void of emotion again.
As I rinsed my face and washed my eyes and mouth, I could hear someone attempting to unlock the door. Knowing they can, I proceeded to tie up the garbage and flushed the toilet. I got the floor and the bathroom in general, to look like nothing had happened, as I opened the window to let the air outside and flung the garbage onto the flower bed for whoever to collect it when they pass by to clean.
"Z, what's going on?"
I chewed on a few breath mints before fixing up in the body length mirror then sprayed air freshener throughout the bathroom and bedroom.
"I'm dandy, stop worrying. I don't think I'll want Anyone in here though. I just took a huge dump." I flopped onto the Queen sized bed.
"but you soun-"
"strained, yeah. I had constipation."
Someone whisper-asked: "vegetarians get those??"
"Yo, I'm not even sure she eats vegetables or simply eat anymore." someone else responded.
"I know I'm worth talking about but what were your original intentions of coming here?" I sassed and heard a deafening silence.
Then someone brought up Bella being tired and so she was resting, and the rest of them were planning on going on an adventure uphill.
"Oh, too bad. which place was it?- is it?"
"Um, Sintra Cascais Natura-"
"Good, got it, tchau mulher!" I yelledq
"uh, are you sure you-"
"I'm happy-go-lucky right now, don't lemme change that." I retorted which earned a chuckle as they left.
I looked through the pictures and ratings of the natural trail: Sintra Cascais Natural Park - Capuchos Convent Trail. I walked to the bathroom, picking up a couple more breath mints while reading up on the place. Much to my dismay, it was a flat trail. The dirt walks seemed smooth for the most part. I frowned at the background of the park and some of the sites to be found along the hike.
Not a second after I was done reading up on this trail, someone knocked on the door. A half-asleep Bella walked in when I unlocked the door, flinched upon seeing me, then carefully made her way onto the bed. She rubbed her right arm as she pulled the comforters above her. I smirked and shook my head before closing the door.
"Don't, can't you just leave it open for once?" she whined.
"Nope." I happily popped the P then sat on the bed before lying beside her. "You going with us on the trail, "
"I'm actually tired. I've had a long morning and would just like to. Rest." she mumbled carefully, still rubbing her arm.
I looked over at her in time to notice the red lines running down her arm and suppressed my chuckle.
"Do you intentionally hurt yourself to hurt me?"
"I hurt myself for my own enjoyment. It doesn't matter to me if you feel it." I simply disclosed.
She looked at me a bit weakly then shook her head in disappointment. "God, you've changed so much." She thought then turned her head away from me, knowing damn well she was gonna be in trouble.
"You know what," I got up and yanked off the comforters from her. "I wasn't asking you, You're going on the hike... and It's weird. It's so fucking weird, that you're a pagan and you don't get a result from saying that word. Then you think it about me, knowing DAMN WELL that I hate it."
"..Why do you- no, you know what. I'm not going. And I'm getting SOOO fucking tired of you. You're so destructive. That THING that controls you is so catastrophic! I'm gonna stay here, do your shit and don't bother me!" She huffed at the end before heading into the bathroom.
I entered the bathroom before she closed the door, and locked it. I locked the window and pulled the curtains before she would be able to fathom what I was doing next.
--
We got out the car after retrieving our water bottles and walked up to meet the guide. Deja walked up to Bella concerned and quietly asked her a question but Bella just shrugged and kept her head straight. Dej turned to me and quirked a brow. She told Bella to stay right where she was as she waved to a girl walking our way. As she neared us I can make out her features.
Ethereal looking skin, Beautiful brown eyes, bright and sparkling, full of life and happiness. She was slender and fit and every part of her body just looked...
Bella 'accidentally nudged' me before taking a step away. I rolled my eyes before noticing Deja talking to me.
"Earth to Zendaya. You good girl? You sure you can do this trail? You look pale." Deja extended her arm to feel my neck but I pulled my head back.
"I'm fine, gosh. Who's she?" I looked between Deja and the other girl.
"I'm Storm. Reid. It's a pleasure to actually meet you. I actually stay a couple of villas behind yours." she giggled cutely which I responded to with a half-smile.
She has an adorable smile. And a really bright aura. I was trying so hard not to squint while watching her.
"Alright, brilliant people, " another guide walked up to us and paired us up, "Bella with Deja, and Zendaya with Storm. Follow me, the rest of your group is waiting."
I smiled and walked alongside Storm who seemed to love the scenery already. She openly began to chat about the facts of this area and past experiences people had, none of which I believe I read on the sites. She even began to discuss things she observed about the city we were in, and even the area. She was revealing how observant and knowledgeable she really was. And as close as I was, I knew I was physically incapable of harming her. My smile began to get more and more mediocre as I kept listening about the topics she drifted off to. I probably made her look bad. I rarely responded to her and the more we walked the trail, the less I felt relatively normal.
"I heard people so rituals in an area further back."
I looked at her and where she was pointing, North-east of the direction we were touring. A smile crept its way onto my face. Time expires there for me.
"I can even feel the negative energy. Thank goodness I am protected... The girl in front seems distressed though. Her aura, just-"
"Looks completely fucked up?" I finished staring at Bella, daring her to turn around and say something.
Not that she can anyway.
"I don't wanna be out of line, but has she been- recently-"
"assaulted? Yeah." does she deserve it? No. Did I care? I would like, to but sometimes I forget how that feels. Making me seem like I was apathetic. Which I believe I am. So no.
"Oh, it's Annabella. She's changed so much. You know her personally?" she raised her brows in realization.
"She's been living with me." I awaited the surprised reaction that never came.
"She's your girlfriend, huh?" more like a statement than a question
"You're a mind reader, huh?"
"I know that you believe you're not in control any-"
" Who are you talking to?" I stopped and asked. Testing how confident she actually was of what she said.
"You, who else would it be. The trees are fine, you've got your girlfriend like a slave walking ahead at your command... Who else." she stopped and stared at me.
She was about to add more when the tour guide behind us noticed us and got concerned.
"Oi, is everything good? Any problems? You two seem a little tense."
"Não, tudo bem. Obrigada." Storm responded as she focused on him.
He nodded and urged us to catch up with the group. We began to track once more and this time Storm wasn't speaking to me. She was solely observing nature, while I was absent mindedly looking ahead; but I was also fuming on the inside.
So I turned around and began to walk back down the trail. I could hear the guide jogging to catch up to me but I picked up my pace to the car. I started it up and drove elsewhere. I needed to be in a different location with the state I was going into.