***
Every moment that lead me hear felt like an out of body experience, like I was watching someone who looked like me do these things that I could have never imagined. Escaping many of Wayne Manor'a high security protocols was easy enough considering they ran on electricity. But there was no doubt in my mind that Bruce would notice, he was too clever to fool. The only fact that allowed me some comfort was the fact that he underestimated me, I wasn't the untrustworthy young girl that he believed me to be. Maybe that was another reason for my being here, not only to carry out the vengeance I desired. But to also prove myself to Bruce Wayne.
I was aware of my own recklessness. My lack of weapons or proper gear, the protection that Bruce and Dick always wore every night to be able to go against men like this. The only advantage that I held were my abilities, powers that I still had the lack of confidence to properly control.
With the little information that I overheard I was able to find the warehouse, one that was clearly temporary. I wondered how many people's lives these men had ruined, and as I looked down at them from the rafters of the building I couldn't imagine how they could live with themselves, yet they were laughing and joking about the meta humans that they had captured from Coast City.
Did men just like them laugh after they had killed my mother?
That single thought alone was what drove me to leap off the wooden rafters and landing just a couple feet away from them. There were only five of them inside, and although the outside of the warehouse was surrounded by security I would simply have to deal with them when the time came. Now the only thing that mattered was getting justice for the pain that I suffered, for the pain that countless other people like me had to endure.
Everything happened in a blur, the sounds of men screaming didn't reaching me. Those screams and cries of pain as I electrocuted them only seemed to motivate me to continue, in some cruel and twisted was brought me joy. And although the exact events were like a distant memory, the only thing that was clear to me now was the man that was laying under me in complete terror as my hands wrapped around his neck.
"Where is Mace Gardner?" I questioned through gritted teeth my grip around the man's neck tightening as the electricity running through my fingers increased in intensity. The man looked up at me with wide eyes, the fear in his eyes only fueling the hatred in my heart as I wondered what fear my parents felt when they were killed by men like him. "Where is he?"
"Stop." The ghost of a familiar voice declared, causing every part of my body to freeze. It was as if my own heart had stopped beating, stopped pumping blood throughout my body. And in the moment for the briefest of seconds I was able to come back up for air from that ocean of rage that I was drowning in. "Don't do something that you'll regret."
"Batman." I said my voice a shaky whisper as I looked behind my shoulder and up at the man casted in shadows. I still remembered the day where Batman was still just an urban legend to many. Even now that I knew the man behind the mask he still didn't seem real or even human. There were times I wondered if Bruce Wayne was even human. But then there were moments when I saw him with Alfred, Dick, and even Selina that allowed me to see a window to the humanity that Bruce Wayne hid so well.
Slowly I released my hold of the man and pushed myself to my feet. My unsteadiness and the shakiness of my limbs made me question if I would have even be able to carry out what I had set myself to do. Even if in that moment it was all I desired.
I watched numbly as Batman approached the man placing a small device on the inside of him coat. For a moment I wondered if the man was even alive, until I noticed the slightest intake of breath. I knew that another second longer and I would have killed him and I wasn't sure if I was grateful for Batman's appearance. I didn't even get a slight glance from Batman as he walked past me and towards the entrance of the warehouse, even then he didn't have to say a word to know I was meant to follow.
***
The anger still pumped through my veins even as I stood on a rooftop with Batman several buildings away from where I was seconds away from committing the ultimate sin.
The skies of Gotham were crying at least that's how it felt. A part of me believing it was my mother weeping at what her daughter had become. I knew that if she were here she would have never been able to bear the thought of what I was about to do.
And as those tears soaked through by clothes and blurred my vision, the poison running through my veins slowly disappeared. Leaving me in a dazed state, the thought of my mother the one thing keeping me from going absolutely insane.
"You were about to make a horrible mistake." Batman stated breaking the long silence that we both found ourselves in. I was unsure of whether his silence was due to the fact that he was waiting for me to be the first to speak
"It didn't feel like a mistake." I found myself saying, the words sounding foreign in my mouth. I was sure that I had never spoken with so much hatred in my heart. Even when I first heard of my parent's murder I never felt anger or hatred. Those were feelings that my mother had always warned against. But now that their killers have a name and a face everything was different.
"There's a code we follow. One rule."
"No killing." I said numbly, something that I had heard him say more than once. It was something that I admired about him then, but made him look like a fool now. It would be so much easier to simply end them all and not lock them up for them to escape Arkham or whatever prison they were sent to, only for them to escape a couple of months later. "But what about justice?"
"Vengeance is not justice." Batman stated as he took a single step closer to me, a small way of him telling me how important this was. "If we cross that line we're no better than them."
It seemed to hit me then, that there was no coming back from being a killer. And although tonight I didn't kill the intention and desire was there. I could never be the girl that I was before this night. Before I met Bruce and Dick a couple of month ago. "I don't think I can come back from what I was just about to do."
"You'll have to." He replied cooly, his demeanor frustrating beyond belief. I wanted him to yell at me, scold me and tell me how stupid I was for the events of tonight. To make me feel truly guilty. To make me hate myself. "And you will because you didn't do it. Now we'll work on channeling your anger."
"You knew." I said breathlessly, although I had my doubts if this statement was true his lack of reaction had be believing it was. "You knew I overheard. You were just waiting to see how I'd react."
He didn't say anything simply looked blankly into my eyes. His silence giving me the answer, because of course he knew. It always seemed that Bruce was aware over everything, always one step ahead. Always knowing what move someone was about to make. Now I hated him for his cruelty, that he would allow me to go this far to test my character. A test that I had clearly failed, yet he wasn't angry. I just proved myself to be the girl that Bruce believed me to be, not the girl Dick thought he knew.
"Please don't tell him." I pleaded the thought alone of him knowing sent dread running through every inch of my body. Knowing what I was about to do would tear apart the image that he had of me, of the girl he claimed to love. Clearly, I wasn't that girl.
The girl he thought he loved wouldn't even think of doing something this wicked and vile.
"Your secret is not mine to tell."
Although I was relieved to hear this there was something unsettling in the idea that Bruce would simply pretend that tonight never happened. That I wasn't seconds away from killing a man, or that I didn't feel as guilty as I should. He said that he would teach me to channel my anger and he believed that would help. That was something that I wanted to believe too. "Do you really believe I can redeem myself from this?"
"Yes, everyone can be redeemed."
"Even someone like the Joker?" I questioned in disbelief because I couldn't agree. The Joker was a monster who killed for his own entertainment. He's killed hundreds on the streets of Gotham and yet Batman hasn't stopped him, not really. Not in a way that was permanent and would ensure that no one else was killed by The Joker.
"Gotham has turned good men bad. I believe it also has the power to turn bad men good." He declared, and I knew he truly believed this. Personally I couldn't see redemption for men like The Joker, Scarecrow or The Riddler. A part of me wanted to believe it simply because Bruce did, but I doubted I would ever see the day when one of Gotham City's villains would turn good.
At that moment a bright light shined against the grey Gotham sky outlining the instantly recognizable symbol of a bat. A symbol that brought hope to the people of Gotham, one that allowed them to feel safe in their own home with the knowledge that The Batman was out there to protect them. Instantly Bruce walked past me ready to answer the call just as I thought cane to mind.
"Wait." I called out a second before he made the jump, knowing that I was setting him back but needing an answer. "Why wasn't he..."
"He asked for the night off." Batman immediately replied not even bothering to turn around to look at me. "Wanted to spend it with you, but apparently you were ill."
Without another word he jumped off the buildings ledge, disappearing into the night and leaving me alone with my thoughts. My thoughts that were ripping me apart and causing me to collapse onto my knees.
Now it was my turn cry along with the skies of Gotham as I wrestled with what I had just been told. Knowing that I didn't deserve Dick Grayson's love. That he deserved a girl who knew who she was and what she wanted. A girl who could tell him that she loved him, something that I haven't been able to do even if that love was the only thing that I was sure about. The only thing about myself that I didn't doubt.
But there were so many doubts running through my mind that overshadowed that love. That knowledge alone leading me to the realization that I was being cruel for staying and using him as the only anchor to my emotions that I had. Because we both deserved so much more.
***