March 17
"Why were you mumbling the name 'Will' in the middle of the night?" His voice was calm and steady as he stirred two sugars into his coffee. Feelings of guilt overwhelmed me. But I have no reason to be guilty, I told myself. Still, my face reddened. The heat had become intolerable. I didn't know what to do or say. How could I possibly be honest? Paul would never believe my stories about the trip to London, and I wouldn't want to share them with him anyway.
"You've found someone else, haven't you?"
"What? You're being ridiculous..." I was grasping for words.
"Then who is Will?" he asked. A quiet accusation.
I wished I knew. But I wasn't going to say that to Paul, of course.
"I don't remember my dreams, Paul! What do you expect me to tell you?"
He took a sip of coffee and wandered over to the slim window in the corner of the kitchen. The fire escape partially blocked the view of busy early morning shoppers moving from one narrow storefront to the next.
"You're still angry, aren't you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't say I was thrilled that you cheated on me..."
"Kat, we were separated!"
"Yeah, I caught you in bed with our neighbor the day after we decided to cool it for a while. You didn't pick her up on the street corner five minutes earlier!" My words spewed out like a burst of lava from a volcano. "How am I supposed to deal with that? And the fact that this occurred right after I got out of the hospital... It was absolutely perfect!"
"Kat, I told you I regretted it! The only thing we can do now is come to terms with everything. I can't turn back the clock."
Sometimes, I wanted nothing more than to turn back the clock. Start again at zero, before the pain began. Have a second chance. But that didn't exist. Paul rushed over and pulled me into his arms. I pushed him away.
"There is someone else, isn't there?" Anger mounted in his voice, and I wrenched my frustrated gaze from his fiery one. "It's about revenge. I'm sure that's it."
I didn't think he really cared. The idea must have hurt his ego more than anything else.
"You weren't there when I was at my lowest, and now you think I have to answer your questions? I'm the one who has the right to be resentful—even after all this time!"
I felt the poisonous darts flying out of my eyes as raw emotions broke through the surface. I loved and hated him. I turned around and stalked across the living room. I had been crazy to return to him—to this place—when my feelings were tied into knots of confusion. I didn't belong here, going through the motions of normal life. It had to be all or nothing. And it couldn't be "all" until I let go of the memories, of the resentment.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
I pulled on my boots, grabbed my handbag and wool coat. I didn't care that I was wearing my old jeans and my hair was escaping in frenzied tufts from its ponytail. I had to get out of there—and fast. An internal voice tried to convince me I was finally breaking free, yet, deep down, I knew I wasn't.
"I need some air." I hated myself for not leaving forever.
If you enjoyed this chapter, please vote – thank you!