It came to no surprise when Remus had nightmares that night. The first one was his own execution and all the audience resembled Sirius. He was there too, front row, looking around five years old. When the ax struck Remus's neck, he woke up with tears streaming down his face as he screamed. When a hand grabbed his arm, he lashed out, smacking hard against Sirius's face. The real Sirius, twelve, looking super anxious.
"DAMN IT!" Spinnet yelled, throwing a pillow across the room at Remus's bed.
"Sorry!" Remus wiped his face, apologizing for the screams as well as hitting Sirius. "Sorry, I d-d-didn't mean..."
"You sounded even worse than usual," Sirius said, hand still gripping Remus's arm even after being hit. Behind him stood James and Peter, both of them appearing to be worried too.
"Hopefully your return to Saint Mungo's this holiday helps stop the problem," Spinnet growled.
Sirius made a rude gesture in his direction then turned back to Remus. "I'll b-be okay," Remus said, pushing Sirius's hand off of him. "Sorry."
Finally his dormmates went back to their beds, back to sleep. Remus gave a look out the window at the nearly full moon, then curled back up, fighting off sleep until he couldn't anymore. Unfortunately... he had another nightmare, dragging him from sleep. Not with screams this time but loud pleas. "NO! NO! PLEASE! NO!" over and over and over. Spinnet was beyond furious, looking like he wanted to throttle Remus. Sirius stood between them while James actually got into Remus's bed, putting an arm around him in a protective manner. Peter hesitated then sat down on Remus's bed too.
Spinnet's eyes darted between the three of them, finally on Sirius. "He wakes me up one more time I am going to McGonagall."
"He can't help it," Struthers said and Spinnet looked a little betrayed but not enough to stop his threats.
"This is the second time tonight!" he snarled, pointing at Remus. "It's not normal. I have nightmares too, you bet I don't wake everyone up screaming like the room's on fire! None of you do! Only one of us wakes the rest of us up." His eyes raked over Remus accusingly. James's arm tightened a bit, as if he could protect Remus from Spinnet's words. "Lunatic."
"St-stop ca-c-c-calling me that," Remus sniffled. "Puh--p--please."
Spinnet just gaped at Remus who never stood up for himself like that before, as pathetic an attempt as it was. "Right." Spinnet was at loss for words now. "Er. Well. Once more, McGonagall. I swear I will."
Spinnet returned to his bed. Struthers was still watching Remus. "Are you all right?" he asked and Remus shrugged. He had nothing against Struthers, except for the fact he was Spinnet's friend. "Okay. Uh. Well. G'nite."
Once their curtains were shut, Sirius, James, and Peter finally turned their full attention to Remus. Sirius knelt on the bed at Remus's feet. He hated that all three of them were on his bed, glad that at least they were all on one side and not surrounding him because he knew he'd flip out if he felt caged in. He could feel the moon through the window, feel how round it was getting, how much it pulled at him. It shone down on Remus's bed, and also revealed a bruise on Sirius's cheek from where Remus had smacked him earlier. He felt incredibly guilty, also relieved that he hadn't scratched at Sirius or anything like that.
They sat with him for quite a while until one by one they returned to their own beds. Peter first, at two-fifteen, then James at two-twenty-five, and finally Sirius at two-forty, only leaving because Remus yawned, insisting he couldn't stay awake any longer which was a lie. He didn't return to sleep until about an hour later, and had more nightmares though they were hazy and didn't bring any scream or shouts. He didn't wake up again until the alarms went off in the morning.
*
Remus dragged through his morning classes, feeling a little glad he didn't need to go to Defense. It let out before sunset, but only by a little over an hour which was too close for Pomfrey's liking. So after lunch he told his friends he couldn't wait any longer; he was simply too worried about his mother, and he was going to go home for a few days. They all wished his mother a speedy recovery and he thanked them before going up to his dorm, changing into regular clothes as well as making sure his bag was devoid of any school related stuff.
He was in the house a good three hours before the sun set and spent the time reading. When sunset came he put all his things away in the wardrobe upstairs then sat in the living room with a sheet wrapped around his body, waiting. Fearing it would be bad, not knowing just how bad.
In the morning when his body returned to the small human form, he found the sheet ripped into unrecognizable rags, all soaked in blood. He just lay on the floor, staring at the lumpy wet fabric with rather foggy eyesight, trying to get the will to get cleaned up before Pomfrey arrived, trying to figure out why he couldn't see well; it was like he couldn't even see out of his left eye which was sending waves of pain crashing into his head. His entire body hurt but the pain in his face seemed to be the most vibrant.
He went in and out of consciousness as he struggled to pull his body along the floor, leaving streaks of blood behind. He only made it a couple feet--weaker than ever--before Pomfrey came through. Like always, he did his best to hide his nakedness, and as always she ignored his feeble protests as she cleaned him off and put bandages on his extensive wounds. Everything kept going black and sharp whenever she touched him. He wanted to scream. Just endlessly scream until his throat was raw however he mostly remained quiet except for the occasional grunt.
His left ankle had been chewed through so much you could see bone splintering out, making his foot was useless. Pomfrey wrapped multiple bandages around his ankle, being very careful not to jolt him too much. Then she summoned a stretcher, her face like stone.
"N--no, it's t-too obvious," he whimpered as she picked him up and set him on the cool fabric, the whiteness staining immediately.
"You can't put weight on your foot." Her voice was as stony as her face. Remus wondered if he had angered her with all the blood.
"B--but I can--hop on my other..." He couldn't even finish the sentence from how much he hurt. Pomfrey put bandages all over his battered body. He had some on his ribs, one around his right forearm, and several where he had gouged out deep scratches along his face which was possibly the worst wound on him today. It was difficult to say where the deep gouge going from forehead to cheek was worse than his chewed foot or not, as his wolf claws had ripped right into his own eye. Pomfrey had tried not to gasp at the sight of his mangled eye, as he didn't seem aware of how bad it was. She carefully placed an eye patch there, glad he didn't ask why.
Then he faded into black, the pain finally sucking him into oblivion.
*
Remus wasn't very healed up by the time he had to go back to the house. Winter months meant less daylight, less time for healing. His left foot and left eye were still useless as Pomfrey helped him across the grounds to the tunnel. He couldn't walk on his own so she had to take him all the way to the house. She expressed her displeasure at leaving him there alone and he just shrugged his thin shoulders.
"Nothing else th-that you c-can do," he said. "'Cept leave me here during the day."
Pomfrey glowered. "No," she said sharply. She helped him onto the couch and then just stared at this small, hurt boy, feeling tears threatening to trickle out. She was used to seeing injuries and illness, wild magical accidents that could turn even the steeliest of stomachs, but this was on the verge of too much for her. Before she knew what she was doing, she bent down, gently brushing some of Remus's hair back, tucking it behind his ear. His right eye looked up at her in bewilderment, his left one still behind a patch. When Pomfrey had checked it before they left, the sight of his half-formed, still-healing eyeball nearly made her sick, yet he hardly complained, only a few whimpers of pain belaying what was happening under his bandages.
"It's supposed to snow tonight, perhaps..." She trailed off then straightened up. "I'll see you in the morning, dear."
*
She did see him, however he couldn't see her. Though it took a while for him to transform, when he did the wolf raged to the point of destroying his own face. When his body melted and twisted back to human, he couldn't see anything. He had no way of knowing what had happened to his face, how horrible the scratches were, that both his eyes had been torn to shreds, how much blood was soaking the floor around him. His entire body felt beyond pain and each movement sent more fire through. He threw up, which hurt him even more, and he could taste the blood in his vomit.
He couldn't move, remaining still on the floor until Pomfrey came in. This time she couldn't hold back a scream. He didn't even care that he wasn't covering himself, because he couldn't see to grab hold of anything. He remembered vaguely when he thought he'd rather be blind than a werewolf. He wasn't so sure now. Not being able to see filled him with fear and terror, having to trust Pomfrey's guiding hands as she moved him about, cleaned him up, did her best to cover the wounds. She knew if he didn't have the healing ability, he'd certainly be dead.
"Might... better... here..." he gagged out. "Won't... heal... before..."
She took him back to the school anyway, fussing over him, spending more time in his little room than usual. She fed him liquids to try to help him regain some blood but he mostly slept, fevered dreams full of blood sending him tossing and turning, which woke him up from the pain. Pomfrey knew it wouldn't help however she got some pain reducing potion into him. It didn't seem to do much of a difference. At one time she came in to see he had torn the bandages from his face and was crying bloody tears as his shaky fingers touched the jagged flesh around his gaping eye sockets.
Pomfrey had to carry him back to the house and he fell asleep as soon as she lay him down on the couch. She put a hospital blanket over him, watched him sleep for a few minutes, then left, hoping whatever was causing him to lash out so badly wouldn't return tonight.
*
Remus knew what caused this. Why this moon had been so awful. It was because of Fawley talking about her sister's execution, and it being on the forefront of his mind, the nightmares of his own execution, nightmares of betrayal and death. They had been plaguing him so they were swirling around in the wolf's head when he turned. The wolf didn't like it one bit. And the more in pain he was when he transformed, the more the wolf lashed out. It was a vicious cycle.
Plus since a lot of aching went on in his head, the wolf had clawed there quite a bit so when his human mind came to Remus didn't have eyes again, everything just black pain, and a small desire to just be dead already. If he were dead... this wouldn't be happening... Other than that the only other wound he could tell for sure was a great deep slash along his chest that started near the base of his neck that was the cause for him wheezing. But he couldn't see so he wasn't sure. It was just a sucking black void of agony.
If he had any hopes of leaving the hospital wing in the afternoon, they were dashed when he woke up at one still in absolute pain, unable to walk or even see. He tried. He slid his legs out of bed and then slowly--carefully--got up. His hands were stretched out, feeling for anything in front of him. Dizziness and pain overtook him sending him crashing to the floor. He lay there miserably, not saying anything when Pomfrey came in. He was silent as she tucked him back into bed, silent as she told him to stop being so stubborn.
After she left Remus sat up, running his fingers along his face, under the cloth covering his healing eyes. If I don't push myself... if I don't try and overcome what it does to me... I'll just let it take over and I can't let that happen.
*
Remus was allowed out on Sunday morning, most his wounds gone. He still had a few faded scars on his body that would smooth away throughout the day, still had a bit of a twinge in one leg, and his eyes hurt in the light (he also had a few very pale scars around his eyes which were fading decently well), but otherwise he was fine. He went up to the dorms, since Pomfrey kept him during breakfast, a little relieved none of his friends were around. Also curious as to where they were, which was slated when they met up at lunch finding them all rather damp from spending the morning outside in the snow.
"Remus!" Sirius was the first one to see him and ran over, tearing his toboggan off his head. James and Peter ran over too, all of them grinning. Sirius's grin faded a little when he noticed how deathly pale Remus looked, not sure whether to ask him about it or not.
Remus set his fork down, smiling at the lot of them. "Hullo," he said, studying the melting flakes on their scarves. "I d--didn't think it snowed that much..."
"Nah, it's barely dusting the ground," James said with great regret. "Hopefully it storms soon as we get plenty. I wanna start up a snowball fight. A real good one."
"Remy, could you turn the green to red?" Sirius asked, handing the hat over. "I got it over the summer when everyone assumed I'd be in Slytherin." It was black with green trim though the green looked a little puke-y from where Sirius had failed turning it red
Remus took the hat, twisting it in his hands. "You can wear green, d--doesn't make you any less Gryffindor-y." But Sirius was frowning, giving him rather pathetic puppy dog eyes so Remus sighed, tapping at the hat until the green turned into bright scarlet. Pain throbbed from the small amount of effort, and he felt like he might throw up. His eyes especially were aching. It felt like someone squeezing them.
"Thanks!" Sirius grinned down at the new color and set it down, completely unaware of how much that had hurt his friend.
"How's your mum doing?" Peter asked which brought the mood of the other two boys down a little, both of them looking chagrined for not asking the question sooner; Sirius felt awful for just bursting right in with his magical request within minutes of seeing Remus again after his return from being with his ill mother.
"N... not great," Remus said, going back to his food. He felt so weak... he just wanted to go somewhere to sleep for a few hours. Or days. "A little better..."
"You're... really... pale," Sirius finally said.
"I barely g--got any sleep," Remus said casually, as if it didn't matter, as if he hadn't been in an ocean of suffering over the previous few days. He couldn't see twenty-four hours ago, now he had to fake being his normal self. It made him feel like on the edge of a cliff again, teetering over, about to fall. He even felt a sort of whoosh inside of him, dizziness starting to overtake him. The lights seemed too bright all of a sudden. He wanted to run, hide in the darkness, but had to appear normal. Have to be.
"You've got marks on your eyes," Sirius pushed on.
Remus tried not to grit his teeth. "Oh, I was running outside my house at one point and slipped and fell into some bushes."
"But it only scratched up your--"
Remus cut him off quickly. "The--the doctors say my mum should be a lot better by Christmas though, so that's good!" He put a big, cheery smile on his face, hoping the conversation would change.
"Glad to hear that," James said, patting Remus's back. "I can't wait till Christmas." The embarrassment of not asking after Remus's mother disappeared as quickly as it had come, and his exuberance couldn't be suppressed. Which relieved him, since James now steered the conversation away from the marks on Remus's face. "I can't wait to refill my horrifyingly empty trunk with pranks again."
"I know!" Sirius whined then he peeked up at the teachers' table. Making sure nobody was looking, he flicked a tripping spell towards a Ravenclaw that just came in. She stumbled and knocked into a Hufflepuff sitting at the end of his table. Sirius, James, and Peter all snickered, Sirius quickly tucking his wand away. "It's just not the same as dropping a dungbomb on someone or filling someone's drink with belching powder."
"I'm hoping I can find some whizzing worms," James said. "Gambol and Japes were out when I visited in August."
"What's those do?" Peter asked.
"Dump'em in liquid and it bubbles up but instead of bubbles it's worms," James explained. Peter couldn't decide whether to look awed or grossed out, and his face settled into a weird sort of half-each state making him look more ill than anything else. Remus, who was about to take a drink of his bubbly cherry soda, made a face at the drink before setting it back down.
"What's with your obsession with worms?" Lily had come over as soon as she came into the Great Hall. "Cause they remind you of you?"
James quickly slid away from his spot next to Remus before Lily could shove him to the ground. Lily smirked, taking the empty seat. "Least this proves you can learn. Even if your grades disagree." She turned to Remus, not noticing James making an ugly face at her, pulling at the skin below his eyes and sticking out his tongue. "It's good to see you back. Is your mother doing any better?" He told the same lie he told the others, and she gave him a hug, something he was still not used to. It made him feel awkward and uncomfortable. He had no idea where to put his arms. When his mother hugged him he wrapped his arms around her neck as gently as he could so he wouldn't hurt her, but putting his arms around Lily's neck didn't sound like it was the right thing, so he just sort of leaned against her until she let go. "I really hope she's better for Christmas," she said, pulling back.
"Thank you."
"I was wondering, who are you taking to the party?"
Remus tipped his head to one side. "What party?"
"Professor Slughorn's Christmas party? In twelve days?"
"Oh, I'm not going."
Lily's eyes went huge. "What? Why not? You have to go!" She jerked round to glare at James, Sirius, and Peter. "Is this your doing?! Did you convince him not to?"
"No! I tried to talk him out of not going!" James protested. "It's all his idea."
Remus poked at the rice on his plate, pushing the little grains around. "I'm not a--a party sort of person."
Lily grabbed hold of his sleeve. "But it's a Christmas party, and it's going to be fun and--and if you don't go then I won't either. It won't be any fun without you."
"You have other friends that are going," Remus said, resisting the urge to glance at the Slytherin table.
"Please? Oh, please go."
"Yes, let's go," Sirius suddenly said.
"I thought you wanted to just hang out in the dorm!" Remus accused.
Sirius shrugged, trying his best to appear innocent. "We can, just, well, Sluggy did extend an invitation and it'd only be polite."
I knew it, he does want to go, Remus thought angrily. Then James was telling him he should, and Peter. All four of his friends giving him pleading faces and the guilt took over. He was still exhausted from the full moon and from healing, doubting that he had replenished all his lost blood. He just wanted them to stop staring at him like that and the only way to do so was to give in, which he did. "Okay! Okay. F--fine, I'll--I'll go. And yes, you c-can be my plus one, Sirius."
Sirius pumped his fist before giving a high five to James. Lily beamed, letting go of his sweater. "Good! Well, not that he's your plus one," she added with a disapproving scowl at Sirius who put his hands under his chin, fluttering his eyelashes at her. Lily snorted as she got up. "See you later."
As soon as she left, Sirius smacked Remus rather hard on the shoulder, sending him jerking forward almost into the table. A bit of light burst in his eyes from the shock wave of pain. "Thanks, Remy."
Remy, still. "Yeah, sure." Oh well. It was just for a short span of time, he didn't need to stay all night. He could withstand a crowded room for an hour or so without problem... right?