An itemized list of things that happened while Lakyn and I definitely were not dating:
Lakyn hung out with me a lot, regardless of what I was doing, he never seemed to mind being drug along as long as his participation wasn't a requirement. He liked Matt though, which meant he was almost always down to hang around somewhere and smoke a little pot.
Juliet James, Lakyn's older cousin and apparently his kryptonite, was a fuck up of epic porportions. I only knew her because we were in the same grade, but we didn't run with the same people. Mostly because Juliet's crowd involved a lot of drugs and messing stuff up.
It was after a party one night, after she caused a scene, that Lakyn and I really talked. I had only ever seen him a handful of times without his guard up, but that night was something different.
The consequence was that he shut me out, no texts, no calls, even avoided me during lunch. It was only a few nights before I turned into the vulnerable one. I followed him and demanded his attention and shook him out of his own world by sharing some problems of my own. Lakyn still had more, but it made a difference.
Lakyn got a new therapist. He liked her a lot -- not that he would ever admit that, but I could tell by the way he talked about her. I decided I liked her too, because I could see the difference she was making.
Sex. Lot's of sex. Really good sex.
At some point, Juliet stopped talking to Lakyn. It put a lot of stress on him, and he talked to me about it. He told me about Juliet's reputation and how he was sure she was on drugs - stuff worse than marijuana. I asked him if he was going to say anything about it, but he didn't know if he was.
Lakyn called sometimes when he couldn't sleep, or when he was just bored. I'd never been much of a 'talk on the phone' person, but Lakyn's voice was such a rare thing to hear that I found myself happy to set aside the time for him.
School ruined everything. It was just a stupid comment made at lunch, one of the few days where Lakyn actually talked, but it was like he had been outed all over again. And then, the peace we had gained was suddenly gone.
***
"Man, if we get another pop quiz in Government I'm going to die," Wesley said, dramatically hitting his head against his football.
"I feel you," I said from my spot perched on my Jeep. Ever since I'd gotten it, our morning routine had been centered around it. Matt and I liked to hang out on the hood, and others just flocked to us as they wanted.
"Heard you're feeling lots of things these days, White."
It took me a moment to place the voice, and I was a little surprised it came from Carter Johnson. We weren't friends or anything, but he'd never had a problem with me before.
"What's that supposed to mean, man?" Garrett asked beside me.
"Don't act like you haven't seen it," Carter said. He was standing just outside of our group with his hands in his pockets and a sneer on his face. "The way he hangs off that fag, ya know, the James kid? Those two and Alvarez probably take turns sucking each other off."
"I don't know, I haven't really had the time," I replied, licking my lips. "Just ask your mom."
I wasn't sure where it had come from. Maybe it was the F-word, the one I was so sick of hearing at home. Maybe it was the dig on Matt, or maybe I was just done. I'd never had that kind of sass, that kind of disrespect, but it just fell out. Word-vomit.
Someone said 'oh shit' in the background and I barely saw Carter move before his fist was slamming into my cheekbone. No one had expected it, or they would have tried to stop him.
His arm wound back for another shot and even though my face was aching I threw my knee up between us and pushed him back before I jumped off of the jeep. I'd never been a fighter, outside of a few scuffles with Matt for fun, but this was real.
I hit Carter back. Anywhere I could. Fists flying and kicks landing. I was only dimly aware of his hits landing on me, of background pain, and the crowd gathering around us.
I wasn't even sure it was Carter I was seeing. I was just pissed, and he was there, egging me on.
At some point, we hit the ground. The asphalt sent a shaking pain up my entire arm, but I ignored it in favor of slamming my elbow back into Carter's gut instead. He spat something out at me but I didn't bother to listen to it.
Before I knew it, there were hands in my shirt, dragging me backwards. I tried to keep going, aiming a few more pointless throws, but Carter and I were feet apart.
"What's going on here!" Someone demanded. It must have been a teacher.
"That pervert tried to grab my balls!" Carter stated, pointing a finger in my direction.
"Are you kidding me!" I yelled back, and made one more desperate attempt to throw myself Carter's way, but whoever was holding onto me was doing a good job of it. I heard Matt's voice, but I wasn't sure what he was saying.
I wiped at the corner of my mouth when it felt warm and wet. There was blood on my palm when I pulled it away, but I didn't remember getting hit there.
Wesley's girlfriend, Jess, had somehow managed to get everything on camera, which got me out of most of the trouble. Carter had thrown the first hit, and instigated. She had even caught exactly what Carter had said because she'd been filming herself before he'd popped off.
Carter got ISS but I just ended up with lunch detention. It could have been worse, but something inside of me was still just mad. I was sure it had something to do about the fact that Lakyn had been right. Spending time with him at school had lead to rumors, and those rumors had lead to Carter Johnson hitting me in the face.
It was hard to talk to Lakyn -- or even look at him -- because the bruises on my face meant that I had failed, somehow. Failed to keep our friendship ours, failed to keep him out of it, failed to just be me.
***
I started drinking again. I hadn't even realized I had stopped until I started checking all of my old hiding places for mini bottles. I started going to school drunk, which was new, but it helped me cope with the shit people said behind my back.
It was barely worse than what they said to my face.
Matt kept a lot of it from getting to me, a human shield against the bullshit teenagers could come up with. Kaitlynn, surprisingly, also stepped up. I'd always considered her a friend, I just hadn't expected her to be such a good one.
Claire Yates had been an alcohol driven mistake. One I hadn't even fully understood until Homecoming, when she'd dropped her pompoms, grabbed my shoulder pads, and pulled me into a kiss like she was trying to eat my face off. It was only then that I realized I had really, really fucked up.
I showed up at Lakyn's house on a weekend. I wasn't sure exactly what day, but I knew there wasn't school. I had planned to talk, to explain, to apologize, to ask him for help. But when I opened my mouth, nothing happened.
I kissed him instead. Hungry, desperate, needing. We spent our time clawing at each other and burning it all away.
He told me never to drink and drive again.
Lakyn got admitted to the hospital.
I finally managed to get over myself and face him again.
I tried to break up with Claire. More than once. It was hard to break up with someone you hadn't even realized you were dating.
Lakyn spent Halloween with Matt and I, even drug Juliet along, and she was actually tolerable enough that I thought I'd judged her too soon. Kaitlynn joined us too, and I decided I liked having her around. A small group of friends wasn't so bad.
It wasn't a date, because Lakyn didn't date, but it kind of felt like one in a warm sort of way.
The sex was back, and holy shit, was it good.
Claire was becoming A Problem.
***
"Cupcake, there you are!"
The sound of Clair's voice was like someone had taken a cheese grater to my ears. I'd been so wrapped up in Lakyn that I hadn't even noticed her approach until she was taking her lunch tray out of my lap.
"What's up, Claire?" I asked, it was instinct mostly. And it was hard to ignore someone when they literally took your food from you.
"It's Wednesday," she said, like that was supposed to mean something to me. "Remember we agreed that you would take me to lunch on Wednesdays? It's a tradition, all of our boyfriends do it. Right, girls?"
Behind her, Claire's friends nodded, but they were more interested in their phones than whatever was going on in front of them. I didn't remember making any promises about any Wednesday's, but that was far beside the point.
Lakyn's hand touched my knee and the warm weight of it calmed me down enough that my jaw unclenched. Claire glared and he jerked his hand away. I doubted it had anything to do with Claire and more to do with the fact that we were at school.
"I thought we talked about this?"
Claire blinked, long and drawn out. "About what, Cupcake?"
I glanced at Lakyn as if he could help me, maybe I just wanted him to witness the crazy, before I climbed to my feet. "About us, just being, you know, friends?"
"And I thought we talked about that not being acceptable," Claire said. "Then we agreed that we would go out to lunch. So come on."
"Shit," I said. "Can you just, like, I don't know, fuck off?"
It was another one of those things I said that I hadn't really meant to. Claire's eyes filled with tears and I realized my mistake. I'd never been able to handle girls crying - it was a downfall of mine. I started stuttering out what was supposed to be an apology but it was falling short.
Claire dropped the tray, pulled her hand back, and then slapped her hand across my face.
It hurt less than being punched but it didn't feel good. The sting was shocking, and I took a step back, raising my fingers to my skin. Then Claire was on me, shoving her fists into my chest repeatedly. She wasn't weak, the blows hurt, knocking the air from my lungs. I took them until my instincts kicked in and I grabbed her wrists.
Then her knee went into my stomach.
The world seemed to blow away from me, gone in one gasp and dark in another. I closed my eyes and focused on breathing for a moment, then felt hands on my shoulders. When I looked up, I saw Matt's concerned face come into focus. I said, "I'm fine," but I didn't think either of us believed it.
He passed me off to Kaitlynn, who huddled like a worried mom. We'd drawn a crowd, but I wasn't sure what was going on. The bruises from my last fight had barely faded, and now there were more.
Kaitlynn was guiding me somewhere, and it took me awhile to understand that I was sitting in the back of her bright yellow bug. Lakyn sat next to me, and I laid my head against his shoulder.
"Do you think she gets it now?" I asked.
Lakyn snorted. "Let's fucking hope so."
***
I got detention, but that was nothing close to what my father did when he found out I got my ass handed to me by a girl.