Beckett and I walked up the steps up to the house. I turned and looked at him he looked at me with the same sad eyes before putting an arm around me and telling me we would be alright. Somehow I didn't believe that lie. I unlocked the door and walked in throwing my keys into the bowl by the door. Beckett placed his keys on the counter as Kolbi ran to give her dad a hug. She stopped when she noticed me in Beckett's blazer and her dad's arm wrapped in a light bandage.
"You okay daddy?" She said and carefully moved closer to her father examining the injury.
"Yeah daddy is fine kiddo," Beckett ruffled her head. "Do you want some of daddy's chicken nuggets?"
Kolbi nodded and walked into the dinning room. I had a flashback to one of the first nights Tobias was allowed out of the hospital. It was the first time I had sat in the dining room and ate. Now here I was again eating with a new person. Was the same thing going to happen again? This sucked why is my head like this.
I got a few paper plates from the kitchen while mom watched me grab two cups. We still had yet bought stuff to accommodate for all of mom's friends who had kids, or dad's siblings who had kids. So I got Kolbi a straw and cup, also one for Beckett. For myself, I grabbed a water bottle and ran the plates back to the dining room. Beckett had begun to take the food out of the bag and place is on the table. He gave me a small smile pulling out a seat for me. He had got a tea at Wendy's and was going to now split it between him and Kolbi.
"You seem sad," Kolbi said speaking softly and eating a chicken nugget.
"Kolbi, what have I told you about speaking with food in your mouth?" Beckett asked the small child.
'it's fine. Yeah, I'm a little sad.' I signed straight at her and she cocked her head to the side.
"Why you are with my daddy who is the best person I know!" She exclaimed reaching across the table at me.
As much as I wanted to laugh at how enthusiastic she was, I at the same time wanted to cry. Kolbi would not understand what it is like to lose someone she is so young. I held back both the laugh and tears.
'I know. He is awesome. Sometimes though, you are just sad, that's okay though.' I signed confusing her.
"What?" She said getting lost.
Part of me believed this to be because she was so interested in her food which was not an issue. I would be two if I were 3 years old. I sighed and ate my sandwich causing Beckett to put a hand on my knee and rub small circles. The flashbacks began to flood into my mind. The last dinner Tobias and I had how he grabbed my knee under the table.
Did he plan this? Was it intentional?
I got up from the table after finishing my sandwich and sat back down at the table. I placed my head on the table while Beckett ate the rest of Kolbi's fries. Kolbi by this point had decided to run off and go play. Beckett had brought a few toys over that we kept in the guest bedroom now. In a way, it had sort of become Kolbi and Beckett's room. Beckett rubbed my back and kept whispering sweet nothings to me. I couldn't help but imagine how it should have been me.
'It's not okay though. He had so much life to him and he... he didn't deserve to die.' I began to sob as dad rushed into the room and held me in his chest.
Dad held me until I cried myself to sleep. The days seemed to roll by like how seasons change and you don't notice it as a kid. Before I knew it, the day had some. The funeral came up and was staring my down. I wore a simple black dress and a black jacket. Beckett and Ryleigh came with me to the funeral.
I signed the book and shook hands with Tobias' mom. I looked at her in complete disbelief not only did she have to grieve a son she had to grieve a husband. I hugged her so tight as we both cried. Beckett rubbed my back while Ryleigh stood beside me sort of awkwardly before shaking Mrs. Carter's hand and we moved on. Tobias' body was cleaned of all cuts he had sustained during the crash. I looked over his body and reached into my jacket pocket.
I had only been in Tobias' room at the facility once and there was this action figure he gave me. It was a small Spiderman action figure. He told me all about his love for Spiderman and how one day he was going to become like Peter Parker and save the girl. In some sick way he did that. He was always there for me. He knew what I needed and the thoughts in my head. I held the Spiderman figure in my hand before slipping it into the coffin beside him.
I looked up at the funeral home lights as I then proceeded into the other room where Dr. Carter's body was. I sighed deeply before singing the other guest books. Tomorrow would be the burial and I was not prepared for that. I signed the book and signed to his parents how deeply sorry I was for their loss. They were not the most understanding people but they were Dr. Carter's parents I couldn't imagine how everyone was feeling. I sat in the back seats of the funeral home and watched the procession of people as they walked in and out with Ryleigh and Beckett.
'you know what is sick and twisted?' I signed looking at Ryleigh
"No?" She said looking at me with a sad look in her eyes.
'I figured it would always be for me. I had this thing when I was 10 that you'd be there and you'd talk and-'
"stop it, Logan Blake." She said and engulfed me in a hug.
Ryleigh held me so tight until I felt better. Ryleigh always knew what I needed to. I still remember the day we became friends on the playground at school. I remember her and josh being so close and Tyler. I remember josh being an awesome big brother to her. I then thought of the last funeral I had been to it was Tommy's the caskets were closed. It was not as daunting like it was now. Now I had to come face to face with Dr. Carter and Tobias' lifeless bodies.
That night I sat on my bed and hung my dress. I would be wearing the same dress tomorrow again. I changed into pajamas and went and sat at the island with dad. Dad had a beer in his hand and looked at me before handing me it.
"Don't tell your mom." He kissed my head.
I drank the beer practically guzzling it down. I looked at the refrigerator knowing that is where more beer sat. I shuffled my feet over to the fridge and opened it. My eyes racked the shelves. I then settled on the cranberry grape juice. I grabbed one then headed up to my room for the night. My sleep was a restless sleep, I kept waking up and hoping this was some sick twisted nightmare it was not though.
The burial went off with a hitch. It was one right after the other. It was a quick and simple service. Mrs. Carter came up to me after we were informed we could go to the family dinner. Beckett had come with me today. Ryleigh said it was too difficult and couldn't handle it. I understood her mental health was incredibly important. Josh was looking into having her see a psychologist and them going together. I could only nod because none of the words I suggested would be adequate.
"Are you Logan?" Mrs. Carter asked and I nodded as Beckett removed his arm from around me. He kissed my head before saying something about getting the car.
"My son and husband would have liked you to have this." She handed me a leather journal.
I noticed the notebook. It was the notebook that sat on Dr. Carter's desk most of the time. I nodded and looked at the journal with tears in my eyes. When I looked up the woman was now about 50 paces away from me. I simply just looked up to the sky and smiled letting the tears roll. I walked back to Beckett's car and climbed on holding the journal close to my chest.
"What's that?" He asked me as I held the leather journal close to my body.
'A memory.' I signed
Beckett nodded and dropped me off at home. He had to go and help Katrina with some party. Kolbi gave me a hug and a kiss on my cheek as they left. Dad was at the studio doing something. Mom was in the kitchen making dinner for when dad got back. I walked into the library and sat down at the desk. I opened the journal to find a picture of Tobias and I. This was Tobias' journal. I felt like I was invading his privacy reading this but I couldn't help but read.
Entry date: July 6
Entry name: Some girl
This girl stopped by today. I guess this is my dad's new patient. He told me to stay away from "that there were bigger things about her than what was on the surface". I couldn't help but for once understand what the old man was saying. I mean I know you're going to read this pop but, when I saw her I finally understood everything you have been trying to tell me.
Entry date: July 13
Entry Name: Infuriating
This girl, her name is Logan Blake. She is literally going to be the death of me. She is so innocent and fucked up. She isn't self absorbed like the other people you have dealt with dad. She is different. When you introduced me she didn't think of me as a fuck up. She understood me. She didn't care that I was bipolar. That mom couldn't love either of us enough to stick around. She just cared about me and wanted to help. Why can't there be more people like that. She literally makes me want to punch myself as I stumble over my words. I don't get it. She just makes me so irate because she test how far she can push me by not listening. Then she takes 10 steps back. She is so beautiful though. I know you'd never let us date but I really hope that we can be friends, you know dad. Logan Blake and I could see us being friends.
Entry date: August 2
Entry Name: I fucked up.
Dad, I fucked up. I fucked up so much that Logan now hates me I am sure of it. The only thing I can do now is cut the ties completely I can't believe I did this. Why do I fuck everything up? Why can't you fix my problems like when I was a kid? Why don't you help me? Why aren't you giving me advice? All you do is read this piece of shit journal and then had it back to me at the end of the week and tell me to continue I don't get it. What is the point of this?
Entry date: October 9
Entry Name: I get it
I get why you gave me this finally. It was so that way I could reflect on how I grow up. I was really harsh and unloving. I see the monster I truly am. I was so terrible to you and your new wife while all you guys have been is loving toward me. That is how I ended up in here. I am sorry dad I mean it. I am so sorry, I love you and I know I never said it enough as a kid but I do I mean it dad. There are just something I'd love to be able to do again with you. You know like going out for donuts and coffee a noon when you have no appointments and just talking about life, and cars. That is what I miss. I miss having my dad.
That was the final entry. There we countless other entries that I skipped over. I couldn't help but wonder if that isn't what happened. Tobias and Dr. Carter were going to get donuts. It was right afternoon sessions had ended. Dr. Carter would be getting ready for the end of the day. I felt the tears began to pool in the corner of my eyes.
There was nothing I could've have done.
There is nothing I could do to make it better. Other than maybe go get donuts and celebrate Tobias' life. There was one person I know would love to go with me to get donuts. I pulled up my phone and punched the number into the contact bar and then sent a simple message.
Logan: Hey can we go get donuts?