That night the Earth rose up and shook for the final time, bereft of pity for its careless inhabitants and trapped for too long in hopeless sorrow. The core of a planet, desperate to escape its self-made prison, burst forth with all the blind rage of the habitually abused and broke free, longing to be at peace. Screaming and ruptured, she tore against herself, setting fire to a white-hot rage that filled the air as millennia of compressed tectonic dirt and mineral split open to consume all it touched; Its faith a thousand years broken. After the seismic earthquakes and volcanic eruptions, Australia through to the Philippines splintered and were over-run, swallowed whole by the ensuing tsunami. A cataclysmic event that expedited the inevitable, the moment she began slowing on her axis, preparing to stop and sealing the fate of every living thing that called her home. The closing act of a dying planet. Tears would be cried.
Far away, over the other side of the world in the relative safety of England, Susan sat aghast in her favourite armchair, awash in the cold glow of the television. That evening, when she'd prepared for her quiet night in, she had expected to settle in front of nothing more life changing than a hard-hitting exposé on the nationwide shortage of supermarket crumpets, which was why she found herself altogether emotionally unprepared for the events that were about to transpire. Secure in her quaint little bungalow, upon a quiet leafy cul-de-sac, in the gentle county of Kent, she sat open-mouthed and trembling, unable to take her eyes off the astounding events that now played out before her, she carefully placed her rapidly-cooling herbal tea on the table next to the unopened packet of biscuits and continued to stare in disbelief as the news channel reported its mournful song of devastation. Susan's mouth dried, she swallowed hard, questioning everything she believed true, and continued to gaze in disbelief towards her only companion and beloved pet budgerigar, Darwin. Susan had adopted Darwin from her dear mother when she passed away, not in any hope of replacing her, just as companionship for the lonely, no expectations, yet now, as she locked eyes with her feathery consort, those expectations, or lack thereof, gave way to something entirely new.
Reaching slowly and methodically for the remote control, she turned down the sound, to be perfectly honest, she really hadn't been paying attention to the news or its flamboyant reporter attempting to look sombre, at that particular moment she was far too occupied with staring intently at each of Darwin's ruffled feathers: the vivid greens and yellows against the white of his ornate cage, as if at any moment he may spontaneously combust. His little head tilted as he stared at her with a glassy eyed look of sardonic expectation. Susan opened her mouth to speak and open it remained for some time until...
'Are you seriously going to make me repeat myself,' said Darwin, his voice deep and powerful as if a million voices spoke in unison.
Susan politely cleared her throat of the vibrations lingering in her chest. 'I, I'm terribly sorry...' muttered Susan in a vain attempt to remain composed, 'I, um, If you wouldn't mind. It's just that....' bewilderment trailed off the sentence on Susan's behalf as her mouth once more remained opened.
'For the absolute last time, I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Heaven and Earth, the Creator and Destroyer of all things, I am the Eternal Being, I am what your people have referred to for generations as God and I have come for you, for you have been chosen.' As he spoke, he hopped off his little perch and waddled up to the edge of the antique white Victorian birdcage.
'Oh, right. Yes of course, chosen. Of course,' said Susan trying to hold it together. 'Is this about the bird seed? Because I can always buy a more expensive brand?'
'No, this isn't about... I'm your creator! I created bloody bird seed. If I wanted better bird seed, I'd just summon it. I wouldn't travel all the way down from my ethereal throne to ask for better bird seed.'
'It's just that you've been such a lovely pet budgerigar up until now.'
'For the love of!.. I'm clearly not...' Darwin cooed a pained, frustrated sigh, then attempted to rub his temples, only to get a beak full of feathers for his trouble.
'What is wrong with you people, didn't you ever listen to your village elders? I'm omniscient, I'm omnipotent, I can take the form of anything in creation. I have merely taken the form of this feathered mess to make it easier for your plebeian mind to comprehend what is happening. Do you? Do you comprehend the gravity of what is happening here?'
Susan, slightly confused by what he meant by 'village elders', picked up her herbal tea and backed her way out of the door. 'Well, no. I'm afraid I was never that into folk music,' she stammered. 'I might just make a fresh cup quickly. Do excuse me.'
As Susan rushed into the kitchen, Darwin slumped in the corner of his little cage and kicked at the sawdust under his claws. 'How is this so difficult?' he thought. He was just so tired of these people. They sickened him. He was genuinely becoming nauseous at having to pander to their endless stupidity. He shouldn't have to lower himself like this, and he told them as much back at head office, but would they listen? Would they chuff. 'No one is exempt' they told him, 'no matter who you are or who you know.' Their jealousy was pathetic. He had plans, such grand plans for this universe. It was his destiny. Unfortunately, his destiny was currently on hold because of this ridiculous "mankind". 'Stupid name for them really,' he thought. 'They aren't all men and hardly any of them are kind.' He flicked another piece of sawdust through the gap between the dusty bars and decided that one contradictory word summed up their race perfectly. Yet, here he was, stuck with them until the job was done and despite all his protestations, head office was going to make him jump through this hoop until he proved himself worthy. Well, this time he was ready. He'd memorised the manual and studied the history of the greats that came before him, so when his opportunity came to make his mark on this species, it would be so big there wouldn't be a corner of the universe that didn't know his name. If only he could get one of these idiots to take him seriously.
For what seemed an eternity now, he had been trying to get one of these wretched humans to listen and obey him, but nothing was working. He'd visited them in dreams, created his likeness in burnt toast and watermarks, gave Hollywood actors the ability to remember their lines on screen (they were always good for a thank you on awards nights) yet nothing was sticking. By now this planet should be bathing in his glorious majesty; worshipping his holy divinity; building vast monuments in his likeness. Yet here he was, still stuck visiting a prospective apostle as their fluffy companion and frankly it was becoming embarrassing. This life-form was simply too stupid to comprehend his infinite majesty. 'I'm so much better suited to a more sophisticated life form, that's why I've been finding this so difficult.' he reasoned. He picked himself up off the cage and ruffled his feathers clean. 'I'm effectively trying to teach mud the meaning of life. Even if it had the cognitive tools to understand and appreciate my divine simplicity, it can't help but turn everything into one unholy mess.' That said, he was also acutely aware that time was rapidly running out. He needed to start recording some serious worship in his name, or better still, a sacrifice or two before the earth stopped in six months and everything moved to phase two. To get what he wanted, these humans would have to bend to his will, and bend they would. 'Excuse me,' he called out as sweetly as a budgerigar could through gritted beak. 'Perhaps we should try this again?'
Susan was beginning to get frustrated. All she had were herbal teas. She liked herbal tea, but what was becoming increasingly frustrating about a kitchen full of herbal tea, was that she never accounted for the occasion her budgie would start having delusions of grandeur and she would be in dire need of a strong cup of builders with four sugars. As she rested against the AGA watching her own hands tremble, it all went dark.
Then a pounding, devastating light ripped through her. She pushed her fists deep into her eyes to protect herself, but as soon as it began it was all over. When she dared to unclench, she was more than a little surprised to find herself floating peacefully in the deepest corner of the universe. As she bobbed there quite comfortably, she watched as the celestial heavens played out in front of her like the inner workings of an ornate pocket watch. The majestic colours swirling as they followed their interstellar course. She wanted to reach out and touch them, but it was only the memory of light many millions of years old and long since gone. She allowed that thought to wash over her, feeling a strange calm as what looked like a small star in the distance rocketed towards her. As the glorious light came closer it became a billowing continent of celestial cloud and light, its shape forever changing and collapsing in on itself, forever forming and reforming. It loomed heavily over her as her creator spoke to Susan once more.
'Shall I assume I now have your full attention?'
'Uh-huh,' was the best Susan could manage.
'Good, because you have important work to do, tiny mortal. The world I created for you dies at your hands and now your people stand on the edge of extinction sooner than expected. You will all die, every last one of you. I am here to tell you, my child, that this is not the end. This is merely the beginning.'
A well of hope sprang joyous within Susan's heart.
'For destroying my planet, an eternity of torment and suffering will await you all. For turning away from my path, an eternity of torment and suffering will await you all. For worshipping your false idols, an eternity of torment and suffering will await you all.'
Her joyous well quickly ran dry again.
'But it does not have to be this way. After all, you are all still my children and in the heart of a parent there is always the opportunity for forgiveness, if redemption is sincere. That is why you have been chosen. You alone must unite your people in my name. You must show them the error of their ways and make them freely and humbly ask for my forgiveness. This is your species' last chance, achieve this and I will welcome you back into my world and offer you eternal paradise. Fail me and your kind will pay dearly for their crimes.'
Susan swallowed hard.
'THOU HATH BEEN CHOSEN,' he boomed, now really getting into character. 'Chosen to lead your people into a new religion. MY RELIGION. For too long your people have turned their backs on me and worshipped their false idols, offering them their misplaced sacrifices and prayers, but no longer. From this day they will worship me AS THEIR FATHER!' A self-satisfied smirk, imperceptible to the human eye, appeared at the corner of his celestial mouth when he saw Susan shield her face and flinch in fear. 'Do not fear me, my child,' said her creator softly. 'Do not fear me for I am mercy. I am eternal love, and I will crush those who dare to tell you otherwise, I shall visit a thousand plagues upon their homes and cast them into THE FIERY DEPTHS OF HELL!' Its form, took what to Susan looked for all the world like a deep breath, as it inflated and slowly, methodically, deflated. He allowed a well-timed dramatic pause to linger before continuing. 'You are to be my first apostle. I will teach and guide you in my majestic ways so you can show your people how to pray and how to sacrifice in my name. MY NAME! That's really important to me. Wait, are you even writing this down?'
'I, err, don't seem to have any...' Susan patted her imaginary pockets in apology. 'And I really don't know if I'm the best person to...'
'Oh, for the love of... Fine! Let's get you back to Earth, tiny mortal person. That's a point, if you're going to be my earthly apostle, I should probably know your name?'
'It's not that I don't want the responsibility, It's just that I'm unworthy to be... oh, where are my manners. Hello I'm Susan, very pleased to meet you sir.' Susan attempted a deep curtsey in zero gravity and failed.
'Good, then henceforth I shall call you Susan the Unworthy.'
'Oh. Right. Okay,' said Susan, petrified and disappointed in equal measure. 'And you my high grace, my lord and creator, what name would you like me to, um, spread to the masses?'
'Ah yes, your kind knows me by many names, but henceforth they shall worship me by my true name. For I am Alan, Destroyer of Worlds and I shall be feared.'
'Oh my,' said Susan.