I'm not dreaming anymore. I'm not dead, either. My thoughts are still muddled, and my mind has a fog over it, but I'm awake. I'm alive. I'm lying down on my back, on something soft. I think it's Connor's sofa. Nothing else is this comfortable. It's so comfortable. The banished spirits have gone. I've not heard them since I managed to break one of the handcuffs. They've gone. They're not even trying to speak to me anymore. I go to turn on my side, but my muscles aren't listening.
"Felix? Hey," someone says from above me. I don't think it's a spirit.
"Hey," I say back, but it's more of a reflex.
Why can't I turn on my side? My head is full, like it's clogged. I can barely feel my body it's so light, but I can't move it. Why can't I move it? I try again, using all the energy I have, and finally, it works. I'm on my side. Sort of. This is really comfortable. I want to stay here. There's an airy laugh.
"Um, hello?"
I open my eyes, and gazing back at me is Carmen, all wavy hair and soft face and honey eyes. I guess I must be dreaming, after all. I can't focus on anything beyond Carmen. I can just see a lot of white.
"Hey," I say again. I wonder if I'll wake up if I close my eyes. "Goodnight."
"Oi, no!"
My eyes shoot back open, and I frown. I'm trying to wake up. Carmen is still there, and her eyes aren't moving from my face. I can't stop dreaming if she doesn't let me wake up.
"You've slept enough, come on."
"I'm trying to wake up," I argue.
"By closing your eyes?"
"Exactly."
Carmen laughs, but I don't understand what's funny. Real life Carmen makes way more sense than dream Carmen. Dream Carmen is prettier, but I shouldn't tell real life Carmen that. I'm still frowning as I shift my eyes from her. The whiteness is becoming less bright, and there's a window. It has blinds, and there's a framed picture next to it. There's beeping, the same beeping sound as before. Hang on, what? I'm in a room. It's not Connor's house. It's a--Is it a hospital room? Wait, am I awake? I'm already awake? I'm not dreaming?
I jolt up, except it's not really a jolt, it's more of an uncoordinated jerk because my body still isn't doing what I'm willing it to do.
"Whoa, slow down, slow down," Carmen demands. "Last thing you need right now is whiplash."
"You're real," I say without even realising I was thinking it.
She laughs again. It sounds good. God, it sounds good.
#
So it turns out I've been high on painkillers this whole time. Not dreaming, or dead. Just really, really high. Less high now, but still high. I'm pretty sure that's why I can't hear the banished voices. I'm also pretty sure that's why I've not seen Annabel once since I woke up. Carmen, Ava, Tom and Jamie are all here now, but I've not had a chance to ask after Annabel, or ask anything even half useful since I crashed back to reality because there's a doctor here who won't piss off.
Maybe that's a bit harsh. He's probably the reason I'm not dead. Yeah, probably a bit harsh. He keeps poking me and shining lights in my eyes, and he's asking me frustratingly easy questions. I know he's just checking I don't have any memory loss, which is really quite ironic when you consider the fact I've literally gained eight years worth of memories, but it's annoying.
He's just asked me for my date of birth when he moves on to the next question, and asks me who the US president is. That's just way too easy, so I tell him I know the president of Azerbaijan because I learned that once. I'm not sure if it's because he's asked all the questions he needed to, or because my Azerbaijan knowledge impressed him so much, but finally, the doctor leaves.
"Nice," I say the second the door closes behind him. "So what the hell happened?"
"You're asking us what happened?" Tom exclaims. "Mate, I was--We were just cruising in Ava's car, y'know, trying to figure out where your dead arse was, waiting for ghost Armageddon to come, and bam! Some chick appears--literally appears from the middle of nowheresville in the back seat. It was empty, then bam! She's screaming bloody murder as if she's not the one who just appeared from thin air, all like, 'I've found him, I've found him! Help! You have to help!'" Tom puts an unnervingly realistic high-pitched voice on. "And I'm just there like what the hell, who are you, what's happening, what are you talking about, why did you just appear from nowhere? Literally nowhere, mate. One second, empty seat, right? The next, some chick--"
"Annabel found you and used her open state to communicate your location to us," Ava interrupts Tom.
"Where is she? Where's Annabel now?"
"Don't panic, it's groovy. She's not in her open state anymore, but she's here. She'll be here." Ava's voice is reassuring, but how does she know that for sure?
"I can't see her," I announce, struggling to hide the alarm in my voice.
I need to get the painkillers out of my system. I need to see her. I look down to my right wrist, and in place of the handcuff I'm used to seeing is a tightly wrapped bandage. My attention doesn't stay on that long because I quickly spot an IV line in the back of my hand. I go to yank it out, but I don't exactly have the speediest reflexes at the moment, so Carmen grabs my left arm before I can do anything.
"You have basically zero nutrients in your body right now, head trauma that could've killed you, and you're severely dehydrated. Don't you dare."
I shoot her a glare. I would physically fight back, but I currently have the strength of a literal kitten, so I'd only embarrass myself.
"You can probably ask them to lower the dose of whatever they're giving you, if you want," Jamie pipes up.
"Not if it's going to leave you in pain," Carmen is quick to jibe back.
The two start bickering, and for the first time ever, I'm on Jamie's side. I don't care if it means I'm in pain, I want to see Annabel. I need to explain to her. I need to apologise to her. I need to goddamn grovel to her. I can't have Annabel back without letting the banished voices back in, can I? Whatever. I don't care. She's worth all the screaming they can throw at me.
The group go on to explain what's happened since I've been gone, and what happened after Annabel scared the life out of Tom. They hadn't left London since I disappeared, and even Kato and Mosi had made base in the city to help look for me. Those two care way too much about my well-being, especially considering I've almost gotten their daughter killed multiple times. Once Annabel led the others to me, they drove north to a hospital that Ava and her parents deemed safe enough of a distance away from where they found me.
It turns out Connor had taken me to some beat up old house on the outskirts of London. The place is owned by some bloke named Christopher Horley, who's been missing for several months. He's suspected of murdering his brother; something to do with a drug deal gone wrong. No prizes for making the connection there. I'd naturally make the assumption that Connor killed the guy, but then I doubt he'd be his lapdog in the afterlife if that was the case. As the story is relayed to me, I don't remember a moment of it, which stirs a sense of unease inside me. I didn't think I was in that bad of a state.
"Okay, so," Ava begins once I've been clued up on the events I can't remember. "I think the police are pretty eager to talk to you, so just a pre-warning before--" Ava begins, but I cut her short.
"You called the police?"
Everyone turns their eyes to mine, their heads slightly tilted, and goggle at me like I just asked them if we could have toenails for dinner. Jamie is the one who finally speaks.
"What? Of course we called the police. You disappeared in the middle of the night, and left all your belongings, your phone, your bloodstain on Connor's living room carpet. Of course we called the bloody police." Jamie huffs. "You've clearly not gained any additional brain cells while you were away."
"Jamie!" Ava snaps at him.
"What?" he replies defensively.
"Stop being a dickhead," Carmen snipes. "How about we bash your head in, lock you in a house for two weeks, then starve you half to death, and we'll see what state you're in when we find you?"
Graphic. Is that it? Is that how long I was in that place? Two weeks? It must have been longer. It can't have just been two weeks. I can't believe this lot called the police. That's not how these things go usually, right? You can't just call the police. That's normal. That's way too normal for any of this. Then again, paranormal or not, Connor did knock me unconscious, kidnap me, then chain me to a radiator for several weeks. That does sound like police business. Maybe not so much the dark spirit communication, memory triggering, fourteen-year-old murdered girl spirit betrayal stuff, but the kidnapping stuff, sure.
"So what?" Tom questions, pulling me out of my thoughts. I respond with raised shoulders, which makes him laugh. "As in, so what the hell happened from your end?"
Oh, yeah, they have no idea, do they? I go on to explain everything. I have to take a break when a nurse pops in to check on something, but I use the visit as my opportunity to ask about lowering the painkiller dose. The nurse looks at me with uncertainty, but I bullshit something about feeling too muggy, and he agrees to make the next dose weaker. I think my last one is wearing off because I'm starting to feel a dull throbbing in my head. I hope so. Once the nurse has gone, I continue the story where I left off. My mind is still fuzzy, so I have to be reminded of where I was before the interruption, but we get there.
I've not said anything about the whole communicating with spirits who have passed over thing yet. I'm still not sure I fully believe it myself, and I don't want them thinking the drugs have made me loopy. I've finished describing how Connor's lapdogs would keep watch of me overnight when I decide to bite the bullet.
"So a brief interlude," I begin as I focus all my attention on Ava. "On a scale of one to ten, how standard is it to communicate with spirits who have passed over beyond the reflective world?"
Ava says nothing. Based on the weird, twisty thing her face does though, the answer to that is definitely not a ten. I've said nothing about any ability to actually do that, but Ava knows me all too well to make the connection. She stammers, then glances down at her phone.
"My mum's on her way, she might know something about it."
Her voice sounds much less confident than I'd hoped. While the whole seeing spirits thing was new to Ava and her parents, it was okay. It didn't matter that they didn't fully understand it, or that they'd never seen it before. Seeing spirits doesn't make me want crack my own skull open purely so it will stop. Kato will know, right? Kato always knows.
Turns out Kato doesn't know. In fact, for the first time ever, Kato looks like she has no idea what the hell to do next. The painkillers are really starting to wear off now, and every muscle in my body is aching. There's a constant throbbing in my head, and a nauseous feeling at the pit of my stomach. There are still no voices. Still no Annabel. I don't know if weaning off these painkillers was a good idea.
"My father may be able to help. He won't have seen this before--I don't imagine anyone has, but he can help us understand it," Kato announces as a glimmer of certainty flashes across her face, but I'm not really buying it. "And hopefully control it."
I can't say I have a hell of a lot of faith in this 'I don't know, so I'll just ask the next generation up' philosophy. We'll be hosting a séance to contact Ava's deceased ancestors at this rate. I'm a little thrown Kato hasn't asked me to prove this newfound ability like she did with my seeing spirits, but then again, how could I even try to prove something like this? The only sliver of evidence I could provide is to call people into the room when I'm having a breakdown because the screaming is so loud, but that would be uncomfortable for everyone involved. I shut my eyes for a few moments. God, my head hurts.
"Felix?" Carmen says, but I didn't hear the question.
Jamie rolls his eyes as Kato repeats whatever it is she said. "The ability may have been temporary, perhaps something that lent itself to you as a consequence of the dire circumstance you were in. It's rare, but it's not unheard of for a person to develop an additional ability, only for that ability to disappear and not return," she says, and for a moment, I question whether she believes my claim. "But if it does, the second it does, you must let us know. Promise us that?"
A dry laugh slips out of my mouth. "Oh, you won't miss it, don't worry."
Kato's expression is pinched, and I don't think she fully understands the gist of what I mean. I may have under exaggerated my reaction to the voices. I hope what she's saying is true. If it wasn't so painful to do, I would cross every part of my body that could possibly be crossed just to make that true.
I don't remember it happening, but I must have fallen asleep while Kato was still here because as I slip back into consciousness, the room is empty. No one is here, and it's dark outside. I guess it must be outside visiting hours. Either that, or everyone got bored. Probably the latter. I'd be bored as hell after listening to my whiny self for a few minutes, let alone a few hours. As I turn my eyes to the left, however, I notice Carmen lying on a grey sofa that's way too small for her. She has a cream blanket over her, and her eyes are closed, so she must be asleep. My head feels less clogged and the ache in my body is harder to ignore than before, but I don't feel fully awake. I'm not sure if it's what's left of the painkillers, or just tiredness.
I go to pull myself up in bed, but pain shoots through my forearms as they shake under the weight of my own body, and I only manage to move a few inches. I'm regretting turning my nose up at Connor's attempts to feed me now. I'm really bloody regretting it. I go to try and lift myself again, but freeze at the sound of a voice.
"Felix? Hey, can you see me? C'mon, please."
"Annabel?" The word comes out croaky. I clear my throat, and lower my voice to a whisper, careful not to disturb Carmen "Annabel, I can't--I can hear you, I can't see you."
"You can?" There's a pause. "I can't even, I--I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have left. I shouldn't have ignored you all evening. It was stupid, and childish, and dumb, and dangerous. You were right. I was jealous of Connor, and I should've just admitted it. This never would have happened if I'd just--"
"No, Annabel, I said something really shitty to you, and you were right." I must be half asleep or something because my words are slurred. "You were right the whole time, but my stupid obsession with having a living relative turned me into an idiot."
"And an arsehole."
"Yeah, exactly, a huge arse--Wait, shut up. I'm trying to be nice here." I pause. "I mean, one-hundred percent accuracy on your part, but still. Look, I'm the one who royally screwed up. I said some really mean shit to you at that café, intentionally or not, and I can't be angry at you for blanking me afterwards."
I don't see any movement, but the space on the bed beside me dips slightly as a warm sensation fills the left-hand side of my body. There's a sigh, which I first think is Annabel, but it comes from my right. It must have been Carmen. Now that I can hear Annabel, I know it's not long until the voices come back. I'm too exhausted for this. I try to push the thought out of my mind.
"I thought you were dead." Annabel's voice cracks as she speaks, and it's louder now she's next to me. I want to comfort her but I can't see her, and it's really damn frustrating. "I couldn't feel your energy, and it was--it was just gone. Like it never even existed, and no explanation Ava, or Kato, or anyone gave made sense because I couldn't sense your energy."
I still can't see her, but I can hear in her strained voice that she's crying. There's another sound, and for a moment, I think it's Carmen. It only takes a few seconds for me to realise it's not her. It was an unfamiliar voice. A dark voice. I ignore it, and turn my attention back to Annabel.
"You should be so lucky," I mutter.
"Not funny!" Annabel hits back, but she fails to mask a laugh.
I wait for another voice, but nothing comes. Maybe I imagined it. The tiredness is really getting the better of me now, and the warmth of Annabel beside me is making me drowsier. My eyelids are starting to droop. Then there's another voice. Again, I ignore it. I think Annabel says something, but I miss it. I give in to the tiredness, and as I do, like starved leeches, the murmur of voices starts seeping back in. I don't flinch. I keep my eyes closed as the voices begin to grow, try everything in my will to ignore them, and let myself drift to sleep.