The next few days are better, less heavy. The downside is that it means the voices are more frequent. It's getting harder to stop them, and I don't know how much longer I can pass them off as nightmares to Connor's lapdogs. He keeps trying to talk to me like this is normal, like handcuffing the little brother you've not seen for ten years to a radiator is something sane people do.
I've been thinking about home a lot more than I want to recently. About Annabel, Ava, Carmen, Tom, Jamie. I keep wondering where they are. Are they still in London? Are they back at uni? Have they given up looking for me? Of course they've given up. They don't care. I shut the thoughts off. They care, they do care. I hope no one's worried about me. Of course no one's worried about you. With any luck, Annabel has found another spirit she can communicate with Ava through. What does she do now I'm gone? What will happen to her if I die? Connor would know the answer, but I refuse to ask him.
I'm thinking about everyone, about what they're doing, about where they are when I start hearing a distant chattering. No. Not now. Not now. I shut my eyes. The voices are getting louder.
"Come on, give in! Just give in!"
No, no, no. The chattering is turning to screaming. Please no.
"Why are you ignoring us?"
"Help us!"
I hold my breath. I can't keep doing this. I can't live like this, I can't keep living like this. More screaming. I crumple to the wooden floor and try and block my ears, but the screaming won't stop.
"Felix, open your eyes. Felix!"
I obey the voice, and I see Connor's eyes, and the guy is so sick and twisted that he looks hopeful. Like seeing me writhing on the floor gives him some kind of high. They keep screaming, they won't stop screaming. I hit myself in the head. I'm pulling on the handcuff and it's scraping my skin, but I don't care, I just want them to stop. Something grabs my arms and holds them still. I can't move. Why can't I move?
"Hey, hey, listen to me," Connor says, but he's so quiet over the screaming. "Keep your eyes on me and just listen, okay?"
"Let us go! Help us!"
"Listen to my voice, Felix. Focus on your breathing, okay? Push them out, just push them out."
"I can't!"
"You can, you just need to focus on something else. Look at me," Connor says, and I didn't even realise but I've closed my eyes again. I open them, and he's still gazing at me. "Just look at me, and listen to your own breathing."
The voices won't stop screaming. I don't know what else to do, so I obey Connor and keep my eyes on him. They won't stop. I force my eyes to stay open, and don't move them away from my brother. I can't hear my breath over the voices, how can I even try to focus on it? I try to hit myself in the head again, but I can't move my arms. Connor is holding them down.
"Stop ignoring us, stop it!"
"Help us!"
"It's okay, you're okay, just look at me. Take a breath."
I do as Connor says, and the breath is jagged, but I can hear it. I can hear my breath. I grasp onto it, and I can. I can hear my breath. More screaming. I try pretending it's not there. My breathing is shallow. Connor hasn't moved. I keep breathing, and I've never been more aware of my own heartbeat, and then it hits me that I can't hear anything anymore. It's worked. Has it worked?
"You're okay, you're okay," Connor murmurs, and he pulls me into a hug. "You're alright."
His voice is strong, and he's combing my hair with his fingers, and I hate how comforting it is. After a few minutes, Connor pulls away. He jumps up, and clasps his hands together.
"Yes! You've got it! I knew it! I knew you hadn't lost it! I knew it!" He runs his hand through his hair. "Is this the first time? Have you had it before?"
What is he talking about? He knows about the voices? This whole time, he's known about it? Just as the thought runs through my mind, there's a distorted sound. A voice, except this time it's much quieter than usual. No. I push back against it, and it's gone. Okay, it's gone. There must be a stunned look on my face or something because Connor elaborates.
"The banished? That's what--You heard them, right? Just then."
"What?"
That's what they are? The voices are banished spirits? How can that even be possible, that's not--That's it. That's what I couldn't remember. The something else I knew was there. Memories flood my mind, and finally, the last piece fits into place. I'm crying, literally screeching, and Dad is kneeling beside my bed, and he looks like he's on the verge of tears, and he's telling me to listen to his voice, except I'm not listening because the screams are so loud. Then we're in a house I don't recognise--No, I do. I do. It's Gran's house. Dad's talking to her, but she's angry. She's furious.
"I don't know, Daniel! If you'd not lied to me for so long, maybe I would, but I don't know how to help him!"
Then I'm in our Irish home, and Dad's telling me it's okay, but I won't stop crying. The screaming won't stop. Connor's there. Connor's there. He's telling me to listen to his voice, and I do, and the screaming isn't so loud anymore. This isn't the first time I've heard these voices.
"Felix? That was it, wasn't it? It has to be."
Connor pulls me out of my thoughts. He's gazing at me, his eyes piercing into mine. He's right. The voices, they're banished spirits. I can--Another memory flashes into my head. I'm alone, I'm in my bedroom back in Ireland. There are voices, but they're not screaming. They're warm, and soft, and nice. They're so nice, and they're drowning out the angry ones. It's white. Everything is the purest shade of white I've ever seen, and it's exactly the same as when I woke up in Connor's flat and heard Dad.
"I don't--I don't understand," I stammer.
"Come on, you didn't think the communication between dark spirits was it, did you? Bridging communication gaps between dark spirits is useful, but I could've tracked down another spirit talker to do that if I was that desperate." Connor sits back down opposite me, and tilts his head. "Felix, you're not just a bridge for communication between dark spirits, you're a bridge between worlds."
#
I have to get out of here. I can't just try, I have to do it. If I really can interact with banished spirits, I can't let Connor be anywhere near that. It's what Lucy was talking about, when she said Connor told her he can bring people back. It has to be. He twisted it, what he told her was a twisted version of the truth because I can't pull them out of wherever their warped, bitter souls are, but this has to be what he was talking about. Connor insisted it's just banished spirits I can hear, but I know he's lying. I spoke to Dad. I heard Mum. I don't know how the hell I did it back then, but I communicated with The Beginning. I know I did.
A few nights have passed since the revelation, but I'm still stuck in this place. Connor's lapdogs are here most of the time, and when they're not watching me, nothing I try works. The voices are always here now. They never stop. Sometimes they're a murmuring sound, and other times it's like there are thousands of screams in my ear. I almost miss feeling so low that I can't see, hear or feel anything. It's okay, though. For the most part, I can manage them. I can live with them if I have to, at least until I escape this place. Lucy's the one watching me tonight, so I've got more leeway. The voices aren't so loud either.
I'm pulling on the handcuffs harder than ever before, but all I'm doing is making my wrist bleed, and I'm gritting my teeth so much that I'm half expecting them to buckle under the pressure and snap out of my mouth. The voices are getting louder. I don't need this right now. C'mon. C'mon.
"Why aren't you listening?"
"Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!"
"Stop ignoring us!"
Why are they so loud all of a sudden? I grit my teeth even harder as I pull on my wrist. They're getting louder, and it's getting too much, and I can't let it get too much but I can't make them stop by myself. They're starting to shriek. There has to be a good one in there somewhere. Where are Mum and Dad? Why won't they speak to me?
"Just give up and listen to us!"
"Stupid, stupid child!"
I'm trying to faze them out, but they're so loud. I don't know what to do. What the hell do I do? Do I just give in, open my mind to them? They keep screaming. Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up.
"No! Not until you listen!"
It's black. Everything is black, and heavy, and tight, and I can't breathe, and it's so damn loud. It's deafening. I can't even understand what the voices are saying anymore, there are too many. Why is it so dark?
"Don't fall into it."
I halt my thoughts, but it's too late, it's gone. What was that? That was--that was good, it had to be. It didn't sound like the others. Was it Mum? Was it even real? Did I imagine it? Why won't the screaming stop? It's so heavy.
"Fight them."
I definitely didn't imagine that. The voice speaks again, and I don't understand what it's saying over the screaming, but I follow it. Then it speaks again. It's barely audible, but I stick to it like my life depends on it. The voice sounds female, but it's not Mum's, and it's smooth and warm. Then suddenly, the screaming stops and the darkness lifts, and it's white. Everything is white. Have I done it? I have, I must have. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
"I need to get out of here, I need--I don't know how, I--I need help, I need someone to help," I speak, but it sounds like a thought that never left my head.
"You don't need anyone."
What? Yes, I do. I really do. Can't they help me? Everything is so silent that there's an echo when the female voice speaks. Who is it? I don't recognise the voice. I think it's familiar, but I don't know if that's just because I want it to be. Should I know it? Should I recognise it?
"You know how. You just need to focus."
If one more person tells me to focus, I swear to God I'm going to explode. I don't know how. I've got no damn clue how I can even try to get out of this alone.
"Stop underestimating yourself. Stop underestimating your abilities. You're in control, it's all you."
I'm really not in the mood for a therapy session right now. I'm really, really not. The voice is slipping away, and any moment now, I know the screaming is going to come back, but then it doesn't, and I'm back in the empty room, chained to a goddamn radiator.
Everything feels different to before though. Nothing looks any different, but everything feels clearer, more crisp somehow. I shut my eyes. You can do this. There's a way. There has to be a way. I yank at the handcuffs, but it's too painful. I look down, and the skin on my wrist is so cut up that I gag. Okay, bad idea. What am I supposed to do? There has to be a way. C'mon, think. I shut my eyes again.
The image of the handcuffs is glaring in my head. The rings around my wrist and radiator are locked tight, and no matter how hard I pull at them, they won't budge. Only I'm not pulling at them, I just know they're too tight. I open my eyes, and look down at my wrist. I need to break the chain. I just need to break one of the loops in the chain. I focus in on one, and it's flimsy. It's so flimsy, and I don't know how I never noticed before.
There's a click. No, a snap.
My arm, it's--Shit, it's free. Holy shit, my arm is free. I lift my hand to my face, and there's a slit in the chain, so precise that it looks like someone has taken a scolding knife and sliced right through the metal. Holy shit.
Can't control my telekensis, my arse.
I jump to my feet, except I've forgotten how weak I am, how useless my legs are, and I try to keep my balance but I can't, and I'm falling back down, and there's a huge thud and a clattering sound as the handcuff still attached to my wrist bangs against the radiator. I regain myself and look back up, and Lucy is standing right in front of me. No. This isn't fair. No!
"What the hell was that?"
Connor's voice from upstairs. No, no, no. Not now. Not now. I'm so close, this can't happen now. I shoot my eyes back up at Lucy from the floor.
"Lucy, please." My voice is barely even a whisper.
It's hopeless. I've ruined it. I've ruined my chance.
"It was me!" Lucy suddenly calls, but her eyes don't leave me for a second. "Sorry, I--I was messing about with my telekinesis in the kitchen, sorry!"
I don't say anything. I just stare at her. Blankly. Is she... Is she saving me? Is she letting me go. I gape at her, barely capable of formulating a thought, let alone any words.
"What are you doing! Quick! Go!" Lucy hisses.
Holy shit, she's letting me go. I stumble to my feet, more carefully this time. Why won't my stupid legs just work normally? Are William and Christopher around? Is it just Lucy? I don't have time to think about this crap.
Barely managing to stay on my feet the whole time, I stagger out of the room and head straight for the house's front door. I can't see straight, and my head feels light. What's wrong with me? I'm in the hallway, about to reach for the door handle when Lucy appears in front of me.
"Key!" she whispers. "Kitchen!"
Lucy disappears, and I half fall into the kitchen. She's standing beside an open drawer, and there's movement upstairs, so I shuffle through it until I feel something cold on my fingers. I grab the key, and within seconds, I'm back in the hallway. More movement upstairs. I think I hear a toilet flush, and the second I do, I shove the key into the front door and turn it like my life depends on it. My life literally depends on it.
I burst out of the house, and run. I have no direction, no target, I just run along this random road in the middle of nowhere until I can't see the dim lights of the house anymore.
"Annabel!"
My voice is raw.
"Annabel!"
She can find me, she has to find me. I'm not stuck under the curse's cloud anymore. She has to be able to find me.
"Annabel!"
I frantically look around in the hope of seeing some houses as I run, and run, and run, just some sign of life, any sign of life, but there's nothing. There are no streetlights, and it's dark outside, so I can't make out anything beyond the trees that frame the road I'm running down. I look around for Lucy, but there's no sign of her. Where do I go? My head aches. Why is my vision so splotchy? I don't know how much breath I have left.
"Annabel!"
I can barely see anything anymore, and I don't think it's because of how dark it is. I can't feel my legs. I keep tripping over. Where am I? Where is everyone? There has to be someone. I keep stumbling forward, and I see Annabel, except it's in my head because she's real. Flesh, bones, beating heart real. My legs won't work, and I think I'm falling, but Annabel catches me, except it's not her because it can't be her. She can't do that.
"Felix!"