6 years ago, back in that old pack
"Are you dumb," a sharp slap in the back of my head nearly knocked the eyeballs out of my face, "I told you to be here at noon."
It's 12:01.
"I-I'm sorry." I cower, protecting my head the best I could, "it won't happen again."
"Better not bitch," the alpha's son kicked me right in the side, sending me flying into the cabinet, the dishes inside broke especially when the cabinet door smashed inwards, "Clean that up too."
I nod, clutching my ribs to hold in my pain. My brown hair was pooling around me, providing a curtain that hid me from the outside horrors. Even if it was just for a moment I wanted to live in my own little world.
Soon he left me, and I got to cleaning, starting with unscrewing the broken cabinet doors, using my brittle nails to twist the tight screws, breaking and tearing at my fingers. But I couldn't tell how much it hurt, especially since everything hurt.
Finally prying the door off, I started picking up the broken dishes, already getting small drops of blood everywhere. If I was healthy, my fingers would've healed by now.
I wonder if Boras was still here, would I be like this?
Probably.
There was a lot Boras protected me from, and there was a lot he couldn't do.
Poor man.
Died feeling like he had failed me.
Sitting by his side on his deathbed was the hardest time of my life, watching the man who used to run around with me, being my only parent, friend, and the only one who would love me. He laid there, smiling till the end, but it was in his eyes.
Eyes that were so tired, so worn, so sad.
He never told me that his resentments or fears, he always pretended to be the hero for me. But I knew, deep down, he was so tired of it all.
In the end, he was my hero, whether he thought so or not.
He smiled through the pain, always keeping his head held high even when humiliated, and always was there for me.
If anything I failed him.
I am not happy like he wanted, if anything I am trapped in my despair and loneliness.
I cannot look past my misery, if only I knew what the future held.
I have people in my life now that I would give everything up for. Even if they cannot see it, and I just realized it, my friends give me purpose.
Brennon was the first, showing me what true kindness is.
Clint was next, showing me unconditional generosity.
Rachel, an almost childish joy.
Saiph, inner strength.
Ken, silent trust.
Caleb, boundless love.
And Axel, showed me the extent of forgiveness.
As cheesy as it is, I believe this is the happiness Boras wanted for me.
I love them.
And will do anything for them.
Even if it costs me my life.
Throwing away the shards, I look out the kitchen window I see a bird at the window sill, staring down at me. It's head was twitching back and forth, observing me like I was the bird in a cage.
I swallowed, feeling the bile rise in my throat as tears formed in my eyes. Looking away from the bird I got out a mop and bucket, going over the sink to fill it with water and soap. Staring at my wavy reflection in the water, it just looked back at me with dead eyes. But the water was so wavy I could barely even tell it was me.
Was it even me?
I can't tell.
I didn't even realize the bucket was overflowing, and because it was covering the drain of the sink it started to overflow the sink too.
"Oh crap!" I whispered, turning off the sink and rushing to get a towel, but the sudden movement made my head go dizzy and I slipped, smacking my head right onto the tile.
It sounded like an egg smashing into a table.
Luckily my head isn't an egg, but it is part of my body and it hurt and burned like the depths of h-e-double hockey sticks.
"A-are you alright?" A quiet voice came from nowhere, and I look to a doorway where all I see nothing but emptiness.
No one has ever spoken to me like that: quiet, nicely, no hatred whatsoever.
I didn't say anything, instead I stared into the dark doorway, seeing no one and hearing nothing else.
Must have been my imagination.
Getting up slowly I held myself steady on the wall, seeing the walls spin around and wave around like some acid drug trip. I stumbled forward, my legs walking in a zig zag, brushing against each other and twisting around each other like they were trying to become a pretzel.
If someone saw me now, you'd think I had a little too many drinks.
I almost pitied myself then, almost.
Sometimes I felt that I deserved it, for not living up to anyone's expectations.
(A/N: Trigger warning!!! PLEASE SKIP IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO THE MENTION OF SUICIDE - ALSO PLEASE READ THE MESSAGE AT THE END)
Sometimes I thought I should just end it.
No one really needs me, no one liked me, no one even knew who I was.
I was just a pathetic girl who wasn't even wanted by her birth parents. I was abandoned, and even when I was little I was aware that my own mother did not want me. She'd rather take her life than trying to love me, or even think of me.
Everynight, when I was alone, I would look at the moon through the sliver of window I had. I would wonder, "Why?" The moon goddess had abandoned me. Or at least I thought she did, forgetting one of her own children to be in a life of torture and self-loathing.
If only I can go back and tell her that everything will be okay.
A/N:
There is always hope, help, and love for everyone.
It was last year, junior year of highschool, on Valentine's Day.
One of my best friends, an underclassmen who was one of the funniest and nerdiest person I knew. He and I would goof off in our class, sing songs poorly together instead of working, talk about video games and memes, and take hundreds of photos together on SnapChat.
He was always so happy, and like many other teenagers and myself, would make a lot of jokes about death.
They were all just jokes.
But on that Valentine's Day, he wasn't at school.
I texted him, SnapChated him, and asked our other friends where he was.
It was at the end of the day when I learned he took his own life the previous night.
I don't mean for this to be a sad story, and I already had my time to grieve, but I want this to be a message for everyone out there. There is always another way.
Life is too precious to be thrown away, and I cannot speak on his behalf to describe any dark thoughts he had, I can only give my own side of the story.
I should've been there for him more, but I, like many others, was blindsided by his smiles and his incredible humor.
So what I would like to say is treasure yourself, treasure your loved ones, and treasure life.
I attended his memorial, hearing stories of his family life and the fond memories everyone who loved him told. There were laughs, tears, and a collective love for him.
I still think of him everyday, with less tears now.
And I'd admit, I have dark thoughts of I am better off gone.
But I always think of my friends, my teachers, my family.
One of my friends even told me, "I don't know what I would do without you."
So don't ever think you are worthless.
Please.
There is always hope.
Love you all,
Bear.