Thanatophobia - Regulus Black

By _Owl_Head_

322K 9.2K 5.9K

Thanatophobia: The fear of Death [Regulus Black X OC] Regulus Black spent his whole life being afraid, but no... More

0. ๐“ฃ๐“ฑ๐“ช๐“ท๐“ช๐“ฝ๐“ธ๐“น๐“ฑ๐“ธ๐“ซ๐“ฒ๐“ช
00. ๐“Ÿ๐“ช๐“ป๐“ฝ ๐“ž๐“ท๐“ฎ
1. ๐“•๐“ฒ๐“ป๐“ผ๐“ฝ ๐“ก๐“พ๐“ท-๐“˜๐“ท๐“ผ
2. ๐“ฌ๐“ธ๐“ต๐“ต๐“ฒ๐“ญ๐“ฎ๐“ญ ๐“”๐”‚๐“ฎ๐“ผ
3. ๐“๐“ถ๐“ธ๐“ป๐“ฝ๐“ฎ๐“ท๐“ฝ๐“ฒ๐“ช ๐“ก๐“ฎ๐“ฟ๐“ฎ๐“ต๐“ช๐“ฝ๐“ฒ๐“ธ๐“ท๐“ผ
4. ๐“๐“ฎ๐”€๐“ผ๐“น๐“ช๐“น๐“ฎ๐“ป ๐“‘๐“ต๐“พ๐“ฎ๐“ผ
5. ๐“—๐“ธ๐“ฐ๐“ผ๐“ถ๐“ฎ๐“ช๐“ญ๐“ฎ ๐“—๐“ธ๐“ป๐“ป๐“ธ๐“ป๐“ผ
6. ๐“•๐“ต๐“ช๐“ผ๐“ฑ๐“ซ๐“ช๐“ฌ๐“ด ๐““๐“ฎ๐“ถ๐“ธ๐“ท๐“ผ
7. ๐“Ÿ๐“ป๐“ธ๐“ฏ๐“ฎ๐“ผ๐“ผ๐“ธ๐“ป ๐“—๐“ธ๐“ท๐“ฎ๐“ผ๐“ฝ
9. ๐“‘๐“ธ๐“ป๐“ญ๐“ฎ๐“ป๐“ต๐“ฒ๐“ท๐“ฎ ๐“ข๐“ฝ๐“ป๐“ช๐“ท๐“ฐ๐“ฎ
10. ๐“š๐“ฒ๐“ฝ๐“ฌ๐“ฑ๐“ฎ๐“ท ๐“’๐“ธ๐“ท๐“ฟ๐“ฎ๐“ป๐“ผ๐“ฒ๐“ธ๐“ท๐“ผ
11. ๐““๐“ฒ๐“ผ๐“ช๐“น๐“น๐“ฎ๐“ช๐“ป๐“ฒ๐“ท๐“ฐ ๐“‘๐“ป๐“ธ๐“ฝ๐“ฑ๐“ฎ๐“ป๐“ผ
12. ๐““๐“ป๐“ฎ๐“ช๐“ถ ๐“๐“ญ๐“ฟ๐“ฒ๐“ฌ๐“ฎ
13. ๐“š๐“ฒ๐“ฝ๐“ฌ๐“ฑ๐“ฎ๐“ท ๐“ก๐“ฎ๐“น๐“ฎ๐“ช๐“ฝ๐“ผ
14. ๐“œ๐“ฒ๐“ญ๐“ท๐“ฒ๐“ฐ๐“ฑ๐“ฝ ๐“”๐“ถ๐“ธ๐“ฝ๐“ฒ๐“ธ๐“ท๐“ผ
15. ๐“ฆ๐“ฎ๐“ฎ๐“น๐“ฒ๐“ท๐“ฐ ๐“ข๐“ต๐”‚๐“ฝ๐“ฑ๐“ฎ๐“ป๐“ฒ๐“ท
16. ๐“’๐“ฑ๐“ป๐“ฒ๐“ผ๐“ฝ๐“ถ๐“ช๐“ผ ๐“–๐“ธ๐“ธ๐“ญ๐“ซ๐”‚๐“ฎ๐“ผ
17. ๐“ข๐“ต๐“ธ๐”€ ๐“ฃ๐“ธ๐“ป๐“ฝ๐“พ๐“ป๐“ฎ
18. ๐“๐“ฒ๐“ป๐“ซ๐“ธ๐“ป๐“ท๐“ฎ ๐“™๐“ธ๐”‚๐“ป๐“ฒ๐“ญ๐“ฎ'๐“ผ
19. ๐“ฃ๐“ป๐“ช๐“ฒ๐“ท ๐“ฃ๐“ป๐“ฎ๐“ผ๐“น๐“ช๐“ผ๐“ผ๐“ฎ๐“ป๐“ผ
20. ๐“ ๐“พ๐“ฒ๐“ญ๐“ญ๐“ฒ๐“ฝ๐“ฌ๐“ฑ ๐“•๐“ช๐“ฒ๐“ต๐“พ๐“ป๐“ฎ๐“ผ
21. ๐“œ๐”‚๐“ผ๐“ฝ๐“ฎ๐“ป๐”‚ ๐“œ๐“ช๐“ญ๐“ท๐“ฎ๐“ผ๐“ผ, ๐“Ÿ๐“ฝ 1
22. ๐“œ๐”‚๐“ผ๐“ฝ๐“ฎ๐“ป๐”‚ ๐“œ๐“ช๐“ญ๐“ท๐“ฎ๐“ผ๐“ผ, ๐“Ÿ๐“ฝ 2
23. ๐“œ๐”‚๐“ผ๐“ฝ๐“ฎ๐“ป๐”‚ ๐“œ๐“ช๐“ญ๐“ท๐“ฎ๐“ผ๐“ผ, ๐“Ÿ๐“ฝ 3
24. ๐“œ๐”‚๐“ผ๐“ฝ๐“ฎ๐“ป๐”‚ ๐“œ๐“ช๐“ญ๐“ท๐“ฎ๐“ผ๐“ผ, ๐“Ÿ๐“ฝ 4
25. ๐“”๐“ถ๐“ธ๐“ฝ๐“ฒ๐“ธ๐“ท๐“ช๐“ต ๐“ž๐“พ๐“ฝ๐“ซ๐“พ๐“ป๐“ผ๐“ฝ๐“ผ
00. ๐“Ÿ๐“ช๐“ป๐“ฝ ๐“ฃ๐”€๐“ธ
26. ๐“ข๐“พ๐“ถ๐“ถ๐“ฎ๐“ป๐“ฝ๐“ฒ๐“ถ๐“ฎ ๐“ข๐“ช๐“ญ๐“ท๐“ฎ๐“ผ๐“ผ
27. ๐““๐“พ๐“ผ๐“ฝ & ๐“ก๐“พ๐“ซ๐“ซ๐“ต๐“ฎ
28. ๐“‘๐“ฎ๐“ญ๐“ป๐“ธ๐“ธ๐“ถ ๐“›๐“ธ๐“ฌ๐“ด๐“ญ๐“ธ๐”€๐“ท
29. ๐“ค๐“ท๐“ผ๐“ช๐“ท๐“ฌ๐“ฝ๐“ฒ๐“ธ๐“ท๐“ฎ๐“ญ ๐“ฆ๐“ช๐“ป๐“ท๐“ฒ๐“ท๐“ฐ๐“ผ
30. ๐“•๐“ธ๐“ป๐“ฝ๐“พ๐“ฒ๐“ฝ๐“ธ๐“พ๐“ผ ๐“ก๐“พ๐“ถ๐“ธ๐“พ๐“ป๐“ผ
31. ๐““๐“ป๐“พ๐“ท๐“ด ๐“—๐“ธ๐“ฝ๐“ฑ๐“ฎ๐“ช๐“ญ
32. ๐“‘๐“พ๐“ป๐“ฒ๐“ฎ๐“ญ ๐“’๐“ธ๐“ท๐“ฏ๐“ฎ๐“ผ๐“ผ๐“ฒ๐“ธ๐“ท๐“ผ
33. ๐“‘๐“ต๐“ฒ๐“ท๐“ญ๐“ฒ๐“ท๐“ฐ ๐“—๐“ธ๐“น๐“ฎ

8. ๐“˜๐“ท๐“ฏ๐“พ๐“ป๐“ฒ๐“ช๐“ฝ๐“ฒ๐“ท๐“ฐ ๐“‘๐“ป๐“ฒ๐“ฌ๐“ด๐“ผ

10.9K 320 383
By _Owl_Head_

8.

Infuriating Bricks



➰➰

"Do you think someone kidnapped him and replaced him with the nice twin we didn't know he had?"

"Maybe he was abducted by aliens and they swapped his brain with someone who is responsible."

"Maybe a bludger from Quidditch practice hit him in the head."

"That's actually a sensible answer Sirius, well done. Maybe he was walking down the corridor and-"

"Perhaps he just decided that he ought to grow up," suggested Alice Fortescue, lowering her book to look at the five Gryffindors who were sitting on the couch, mesmerised at the fact that James Potter was actually doing his homework directly across the room.

"Yeah I'll believe that when the earth lights on fire and we all burn," said Lily Evans with a snort.

"Oh I have it!" Said Sirius suddenly, "maybe he was washing his hair one night and a portal to a different dimension opened up in the shower, and he was sucked in there so his replica from the other world could take over as our James."

"Why in the shower?" Asked Stormy from her seat on the floor next to Remus.

"Because that's we're he came from when he told me he wanted to stop pranking."

"What if the shampoo was actually a Confusing Concoction and he's just really befuddled," suggested Avalon taking a sip of her hot chocolate.

"What if You-Know-Who was behind the shower certain and he manipulated his mind," Offered Remus, Sirius gasped in realisation.

"What if-"

"Would you all just stop?" Said Alice annoyed, "I'm trying to read here."

"Well we are all just confused Alice, could you be a bit kinder in this time of horrendousness!" Exclaimed Sirius rather loudly, this attracted James's attention and he walked over.

"What's going on over here?" He asked staring at them all suspiciously.

"You know just talking about...the weather," said Lily, who was a horrible liar.

"The weather?"

"Yep the weather."

"Ava this was outside of the common room for you," announced Peter coming through the portrait hole, back from his tutoring session in Charms (which he was failing). Avalon took the folded piece of parchment from his hands and flipped it open.

"What does it say?" Asked James trying to reach for the paper over Stormy and Remus. Avalon panicked, she certainly couldn't let James see this he wouldn't let her go and she really wanted to go. She looked at the paper again ready to make up an excuse but something astonishing happened, the writing had disappeared.

"Nothing," she told him flipping the note around from front to back, and sure enough the only ink on the parchment was her name across the front. James finally managed to snatch the note off of her and looked over it thoroughly before handing it to Sirius.

"Weird," He said and then went back to questioning Lily about the weather. Avalon went to take back the note from Sirius, but he put it out her reach. She went to yell at him but when her eyes met his she was greeted with a look of confusement, anger and comprehension all at once.





Regulus was rejoicing in the feeling of an empty dorm and a day without any letters from his mother when he spotted it. Hidden by Dolohov's old bed was a brick that stood annoyingly out of place. shifted to the right just enough for it to be noticeable, but not enough that he would have noticed if he hadn't of been hanging off the side of his bed with the top of his head pressed against the floor. He quickly got up and almost fell back down due to the blood rushing down from his top half to the rest of his body. He went back to reading, this time sat up straight like a normal person would, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't get that brick out of his head.

Annoyed he threw his book on his bed stormed over to the bed next to his. With one flick of the wand he levitated the bed and swung it over to one side, perhaps a bit to hard as it crashed right into Rosiers open trunk and broke the lid clean off. He would pretend that he didn't know what happened later, but for now he had to straighten that brick.

He bent down and wriggled the brick. As he had thought it was loose, thank Merlin it would have been a lot more difficult to fix if it was connected to the building.

"Erecto," he said, and the brick shot right back into place. This however backfired because the brick then fell straight out of the wall and poking out of the hollow it had left behind was a plain yellow ribbon. He got down on the floor and reached into the hole that was left in the bricks absence, it seemed to go on for a lot longer than it should have. He managed to pull out bright red lipstick, a broken Sneakoscope, another ribbon but this time it was blue, a necklace, a bracelet, a diamond ring, a mood ring, and last but not least pressed lengthways up against the wall and blended into its surroundings, was a wand. A wand he had seen before as it tapped on his cauldron three times in Potions class, a wand that had been missing for days.





"Don't do it," came a voice from the bottom of the sixth year girls Dormitory stairs. The clock had just struck twelve and Avalon was just about to sneak out.

"Don't do what Sirius?" She asked innocently.

"Don't be daft Avalon. I know whose Handwriting that was, It was a perfect stroke. Our mother sat there for hours teaching us how to do it, and when we got it wrong she would wrap her wand across our knuckles. Between that and learning French, I don't think the back of my hand was ever anything other than bright pink." Avalon had made it all the way down the stairs now and was standing right in front of him.

"I want to know what he wants."

"You don't even have a wand."

"Muggles don't have wands and they get along just fine."

"It could be a trap."

"He's a sixteen year old boy Sirius, not Voldemort."

"Don't say that name." Snapped Sirius, he had heard it enough when he was living at Grimmauld Place.

"How did you know that I was going to go meet him?" Asked Avalon suddenly realising that the ink had disappeared by the time Sirius had read the note.

"I didn't, I just waited down here to see if you would come down, and I mean midnight that's really unoriginal," He said smugly, "how do you even know each other? Last time I checked you weren't even acquaintances."

"We are partners in Potions," she answered, they had made exactly three Potions together so far and each time they had only spoken to each other if it was necessary, but she wasn't going to tell him that. 

"Ava-"

"Sirius," Avalon quickly interrupted him, "I'm a big girl now and I can make my own decisions, I know you're worried about me and if the shoe was on the other foot I would be to. However, you and I both know that I'm not going to give up so it's best you just let me do it."

"I don't want you to get hurt again," he said seriously.

"Trust me I won't, and if it goes south than you know who to look for." Sirius seemed to think for a moment, but it was a moment to long because Avalon had reached for his wand hanging out of his back pocket and locked his legs together. He tumbled down in a big heap. She put his wand in her pocket and helped him sit up. He looked surprised at first, but it quickly turned into a look of annoyance.

"I can't believe that you would do that," he said. "I love you like a Sister and this is what you do to me."

"For Merlin's sake Sirius stop being so dramatic," she sighed, rolling her eyes, "and besides before you were saying I didn't have a wand, now I do."

"I just don't think that it's a good idea, and that's coming from me the embodiment of bad decisions," He said scooting to the side so he was leaning against the wall, Avalon smirked.

"No Sirius you are the embodiment of rash decisions that usually turn out bad because you don't think them through," Avalon made her way to the portrait hole, "and believe me I have thought this one through a lot."

"If he hurts you..."

"If he hurts me you can deal with it then, but for now I'm still alive so don't get your knickers in a knot." Avalon was half way out of the door, "and don't tell James if it were up to him I'd be wrapped in cotton wool."

"Ava!"

"Bye Sirius. Love you."

"Don't leave me here!"





Avalon walked along the corridors as quietly as she could. She had even taken off her shoes to avoid making any noise. She had managed to get to the fourth floor undetected but just before she reached the door a loud screech echoed through the hallway as her foot came into contact with the tail of Mrs Norris.

"MRS NORRIS! MRS NORRIS!"

"Shit," said Avalon immediately recognising the voice of the yelling man and upon seeing the shadow that was coming around the corner there was no doubt in her mind that it was Filch.

She quickly pulled out Sirius's wand and stunned the cat so it wouldn't be able to show her owner where she went. She then made a beeline for the baby in the crib, threw it to the side, opened the door, ran inside and filled with adrenaline slammed it shut so hard that it could have dropped if it's hinges.

"MRS NORRIS! I WILL FIND WHO DID THIS TO YOU IF IT'S THE LAST THING IT DO!"

"Well that was close," said Avalon spinning around to face the boy she had only just seen when she ran into the room. Regulus stepped out of the shadow and raised his eyebrows.

"It seems as if you can't do anything without causing a commotion," he said with a frown.

"It's not my fault, I don't go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me," she said, she never went and got herself into sticky situations it just happened. It was almost as if she was cursed, she hoped it didn't pass down from generation to generation because she would never wish that upon anyone.

"Of course," he snorted, she crossed her arms in annoyance.

"What is it that you wanted?" She asked as she took a seat on the same desk as last time, Regulus did the same.

"I have something for you, I found it." He reached into pocket and pulled out a wand, Avalon was about to draw out her own and curse Sirius for being right, before she recognised the wand he was holding.

"Where did you find it?" She asked excited, she snatched her wand from his hand and held it up to her face. Regulus then told her about the hole behind the brick and she suddenly got angry.

"What a bloody creep," she said, "he must keep a trophy for everyone he seriously harms, or worse. When he gets back here I'll kill him."

"I don't think you want to get on the bad side of  a man like that," warned Regulus, Avalon just looked at him blankly.

"I don't think he wants to get on the bad side of a woman like me," she said with a fierceness in her eyes that made Regulus believe her. "Where did you put the rest of the stuff?"

"In here," He pulled out a bejeweled, blue container that was small in dimensions and opened it up for her to see the items within. Avalon pulled out the necklace and held in up.

"It looks important." Avalon dropped it back into the container only to look up to find Regulus in thought. Seeing his eyes reminded her of Sirius and thanks to her his lack of the ability to move. She got up from her chair and went to walk to the entrance. "I have to get back."

"Hang on-"

"He's still out there."

"What?" Regulus got up and stood next to her, and sure enough he could hear Filch muttering in the corridor.

"Guess we're not leaving," said Avalon with a sigh, she was also thinking about how mad Sirius was going to be when she let him free. They stood there silently again, Avalon chose to rock back and fourth on her feet.

"So?"

"So."

"Are you okay after the accident?" Asked Regulus talking over Filch's wailing.

"How'd you know about that?" Asked Avalon deciding she wasn't going to stand all night until Filch decided to leave.

"The whole school knows." Regulus looked at her curiously as she moved over to a bunch of chairs that sat in the corner, and pulled out her wand.

"Of course they do," said Avalon and with one flick of the wand the chairs had turned into an extremely large beanbag. Smiling in triumph she threw herself down onto it. She looked up from her position on the floor to see Regulus quite obviously trying to figure out what it was.

"You've never seen a beanbag?" She asked with a small humorous snort.

"No it looks...comfortable, and Black's don't do comfort they do aesthetics."

"Doesn't surprise me, here take a seat," said Avalon shifting over so he could fit. Regulus obliged and arkwardly sat down with his entire body as stiff as a brick. This made Avalon burst into laughter and push him back so he would relax, but she was almost brought to tears because he was so tense is entire body fell backwards with him as if he was under the full body-bind curse.

"Stop laughing," he whinged. "Just weeks ago we were glaring at eachother, and now we're sitting next to eachother like we're..."

"We got off to a rocky start," said Avalon, "so what? A lot of people do."

"What made you change your mind?" He asked he seemed to finally let loose, but not all the way.

"I wasn't really paying attention I suppose," she answered honestly, "I was so busy painting you as a monster that I didn't stop to realise you're human too."

Regulus of all things she could have possibly said was not expecting that. He had spent every day since the first day of his sixth year trying to get this girl out of his head. Trying to forget her wild hair and hazel eyes that seemed full of mysteries. Trying to stop analysing her lack of fear and her ability to just say and do whatever she wanted. It was just his luck though, because once again she had opened her mouth and made it ten times harder.

"He's still out there," announced Avalon listening to the footsteps and mumbling outside. "You'd think he'd give up."

With really nothing left to say the room fell silent, but this time it wasn't unpleasant. The two teenagers sitting side by side slowly and steadily fell to sleep, and that is where they both woke up the next morning.

However this was the least of Avalon's problems as she sprinted down the corridor because she didn't go back to her dorm last night and Sirius was going to kill her.

Sirius stood before her with his arms crossed and the biggest glare on his face she had ever seen him muster. It was times like this that she remembered he was a Black. She had ran into the Common Room only to freak out when Sirius wasn't in the place she had left him, before realising he had managed to get onto the couch somehow and was fast asleep.

"You left me!" He exclaimed, "you left me here all night and I thought you were hurt or something."

"I'm sorry Sirius I fell asleep," Avalon said softly trying to calm down the mood.

"You fell asleep with my brother?" Asked Sirius slightly outraged.

"What no! Well yes and no," Sirius looked her as if to say please elaborate, "well Filch cornered us and he wouldn't leave, so we were stuck there and I fell asleep."

"What did my dear brother want?"

"To give me this," said Avalon pulling out her wand as well as Sirius's and throwing it back to him.

"How did he get that? He must have had something to do with your attack and gotten away with it," ranted Sirius, "I mean it doesn't surprise me, his mummy and daddy must have gotten involved-"

"Sirius calm down, he found it in a stash that Dolohov had made, he had nothing to do with my attack. I was there remember," said Avalon. It was silent for a bit while Sirius thought about what she had said.

"Alright then, but don't be fooled," he warned, Avalon was just about to ask what he meant when people started trailing out of their bedrooms, like clockwork one after the other. Avalon was surprised, because she had never really seen the functionality of the Common Room this early in morning, probably because she had been sleeping.

"I'm just saying Stormy, don't you think it's weird that the note said I'm not under the Imperius curse, because that's what a person under the Imperius curse would say."

"No Dorcas I just think she knew you would over react and come up with wild ideas, like the thought that she was under the Imperius cur-"

"AVA!" Dorcas ran across the room and pushed through the rest of the students just so she could fling herself at her missing friend. "I thought something had happened, your note said not to worry because you'd probably be back before we woke up, but it was morning and you weren't there."

"I'm fine the note was just a precaution in case you woke up in the middle of the night and I was gone, I just took a little longer that's all," said Avalon hugging the girl back.

"What were you doing?" Asked Stormy, "is there a boy we don't know about?"

"Don't be ridiculous," scolded Avalon, "I'll tell you later when there's not so many people."

"He's probably off with some girl or something Prongs, calm down."

"Moony he could be dead."

"I don't think he's dead, that's a bit extre-"

"PADFOOT!" James flew at Sirius in a fashion that looked a lot like what Dorcas had done. Except the sheer force of it made them both tumble onto the floor.

"Prongs hop off me," said Sirius laughing as he pushed James to the side. The people walking around them kept walking because this was a regular occurrence in the Gryffindor Common Room - there was no sensibility when living with the Marauders. Remus helped up Sirius and then James.

"Where were you?" Avalon's eyes flew wide open at her brothers question and then quickly flew to Sirius who seemed to be staring at her out the corner of his eyes.

"I'll tell you later, but for now I need to go and get ready because if I am late one more time Minnie said she'd transfigure me into a watch. Normally I wouldn't believe her but this time I think she meant it," said Sirius before ruffling up Peters hair and heading towards his Dormitory.

"We'll see you at breakfast," yelled Remus just as Sirius closed the door.

"Ava why are you in normal clothes?" Asked James suddenly realising his sister was there, "but more importantly why are you up so early, are you possessed?"

"No James I'm not possessed I just went to bed early last night," she lied, "and i'm in normal clothes because I thought it was a weekend. Now I really have to go and get changed, otherwise me waking up early will be a waste and I'll end up late anyway."

"Don't forget your textbooks and your quills and your ink and your parchment. Just don't forget your bag," said Dorcas as Avalon began to walk away.

"Don't you think it's weird?" She heard Stormy ask when she was almost at her Dormitory, "that both her and Sirius were missing last night."

"Sirius isn't that stupid," said Remus, "he'd know James would kill him."

"Damn right I would."








Avalon had finished getting ready and was about to walk down to the Great Hall when she ran into Sirius on her way out and they decided to walk there together.

"Please don't tell him," she finally asked, "he'll make a big deal about it, you know what he's like and then he won't leave me alone."

"Yeah well you did sneak out in the middle of the night to meet a person you barley know," said Sirius.

"You know him though, he's your little brother and you're acting like he's a stranger I met in a dark alley," said Avalon, Sirius's eyes changed slightly but she couldn't decipher what it meant.

"That's why I think that you shouldn't have done it. I do know him, which means I know what he's like and it's not good," said Sirius solemnly and slightly bitterly. "Like every member of my family he'll do whatever it takes to survive and if that means doing bad things than so be it. I won't tell James Ava but only because it will just end up worrying him further than he already is, but please don't do that again. Stay away from Regulus or I'll tell James."

Avalon didn't know what to say to this, she hadn't been expecting it, but the more she thought about it the more she knew she should have seen it coming. The part where Sirius was blackmailing her didn't sit right with her, but what could she do. She definitely didn't want James to find out because if he knew she was sneaking out at night to see a Slytherin, even if it was just this once, he wouldn't ever let her walk around that halls alone for as long as she was breathing.

"Okay i'll stay away, but you don't tell James." She shouldn't have cared so much, she didn't really know Regulus that well in the first place, so the notion of staying away from him shouldn't be so damaging, but for some reason deep down it was.

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