Lily was distant with Remus on Friday and he had no idea what to do... how to help her. He didn't know how to comfort someone, though he had somehow managed that night they made their pinky promise. That had been entirely accidental. He didn't know the right words but at lunch he gave it a try by telling her he was sorry about what happened. Lily had a rather wane smile as she thanked him, so he wasn't sure it was enough.
He wanted to ask her about her unusual friendship but didn't dare, didn't want to upset her anymore, didn't want her thinking he was like Twycross. He didn't disapprove of it... he was just curious. Very, very curious.
He stared across the hall at Snape, at his sallow skin, his greasy hair, his big nose, wondering... how on earth did a Slytherin like that befriend a Muggleborn Gryffindor? It made no sense! Of course, this placed some pressure on Remus. James disliked Snape. Lily liked Snape. So this meant if James tried to pull pranks on Snape, what did Remus do? He recalled dumping the pumpkin juice on the Slytherin weeks ago, and felt a little guilty. He just hoped he wasn't put into a position where he had to make that sort of decision.
"Do you w-want to do something after Defense?" Remus offered.
"No, thank you," she said softly.
Remus nodded and went back to eating, wishing he was normal so he could know what to say.
*
That evening he headed to study group by himself, not sure if Lily would show up. Hoping Twycross wouldn't show up but the blonde was already there when he arrived at the library. So were Bones, Pierce, and Craft. Buckling showed up a moment later, then Silverlocke about five minutes before six, then Lily came in at exactly six, clutching her bag to her chest, face quite pale except for two bright spots in her cheeks. She sat down in her usual seat between Remus and Twycross.
"No Snape?" Pierce asked while Twycross coughed, visibly annoyed by the Hufflepuff's question.
Lily let out a small sigh. "No, he doesn't feel like this is his sort of thing." Her voice was high and clipped. She began piling her books in front of her, rearranging them into their usual order of studying.
"He's welcome to join us whenever he wants," Buckling said and Lily finally smiled.
There was some tension throughout the evening between Lily and Twycross (as well as between Twycross and Silverlocke) however overall it went pretty well. After they finished for the evening Remus and Lily walked back together. Twycross went ahead, not wanting to walk with Lily (though she had given Remus a hopeful look that he ignored; if she expected him to be on her side she was sorely mistaken). Every minute they walked in silence he felt worse, felt like he was completely failing as a friend.
On the sixth floor he stopped walking, waiting until she stopped as well. "I d--didn't really get a chance to s-say but I don't mind if he--he joins us."
Lily stepped closer to him. "That means a lot to me, thank you."
Remus scuffed the toe of his shoe against the floor. "I th-think Slytherins and Gryffindors can be friends."
Now her smile spread, her eyes crinkling a bit. "Really?"
"Yeah, I mean... why not?" Aside from the fact they were vicious rivals. It was like the Montagues and Capulets (only hopefully without the idiotic ending).
"I think you'd like Severus," she said as they began walking again. "He really likes to read a lot, too. That book you were reading a couple weeks ago... errmmm... about the unicorn...?"
"Death of a Unicorn?"
"Yes, that one; he's read it too."
"Ahh." He didn't know what to say again, for entirely different reasons. He could not imagine himself friends with Snape, even if they did both like the same books. He would be friendly if need be, for Lily's sake, but that was it. "How did... you two...?"
Lily didn't say anything for a bit and Remus thought he might have offended her, however finally she began speaking. "How did we become friends? We grew up near each other. We met... a couple years ago. He saw me doing accidental magic and--and told me all about it." Remus remembered she had said as much before, though hadn't said who the young wizard had been. "We became friends after that. He was my first real friend, besides my sister."
Remus recalled she had said most boys were like a different species to her, and wondered if Snape fell in that category since she had been insistent on how 'different' Remus was... "How is y-your sister doing?" He hoped the change of conversation wasn't too obvious. He just didn't want her going on again about the two of them becoming friends.
"I don't know..." She frowned now. "Mum says she's doing well but she hasn't written to me. Petunia, I mean. My sister. She hasn't written to me since that letter I told you about."
"I'm sorry."
"I'll get to see her soon though." The frown turned back into that wide smile. "For Christmas. I can't wait to see her! I already got her a present. I saw a bracelet in Diagon Alley, it's got a petunia flower on it and it's magicked to smell like one, you know, permanently. I spent all my summer allowance on it."
Remus smiled back. "That sounds r-really cool, I'm sure she'll love it!"
"Me too," Lily said. "Circe's Island." The portrait guarding the common room swung open and Lily climbed in. When Remus followed he fell to the floor rather painfully, tasting the metallic tang of blood filling his mouth. Lily helped him up. "Are you--"
"Yeah." he mumbled, sucking down the blood. "Bit the inside of my cheek. I'm okay."
"You are bad at getting through that," Lily said, giggling a little bit.
"That's cause he's the clumsiest person that's probably ever come to the school," piped up another voice. James. He and Sirius were near the entrance, hiding something behind their backs.
Lily spun around with a glare "Oh shut up! D'you always have to be so unkind? What do you have there?"
"Nothing," both boys chorused.
Lily began tapping her foot. "If you insist on knowing..." James said and Lily nodded so he thrust his hands out, revealing a fist full of wriggling worms. Lily screamed, jumping back, while James and Sirius both doubled over, laughing.
"You're awful, James Potter!" she snarled, stomping one foot. "Where did you even get them?"
"We nicked them from McGonagall's office," Sirius added, quite pleased with himself. "Apparently we'll be learning to turn worms into stuff later. Not sure what. Sticks?"
"Noodles!" James smacked his lips, lifting his hand like he was going to eat them.
"YOU'RE SO DISGUSTING!" she screamed. "You're more of a worm than those things are!" She stormed off in a huff while James began laughing again.
Remus folded his arms and tried to look stern, not doing a very good job. "What are you even do-doing with those?"
"Putting them on chairs," Sirius replied.
"Why?"
Sirius blinked. "Why not?"
Remus stared at them then held up his hands. "You know, I don't even care right now. You two have fun." When he got to the dorm he carefully made sure there weren't any worms on his bed. His bed was empty however he could smell something earthy... he followed the scent and found about twenty or so worms flopping around on Spinnet's bed. Remus scooped them up, intending to throw them out, then...
Later that night James and Sirius seemed disappointed that Spinnet didn't freak out when he sat in his bed for a while, then had a blast watching him flail and scream when he tried pulling on his pajamas and found them full of worms. He roared at James and Sirius who swore up and down they hadn't done it.
"But, if we had thought of it we would've," Sirius added.
Spinnet stomped out, swearing under his breath.
"How'd the worms get there?" James whispered. "Did you...?"
"I didn't," Sirius promised. "Peter?"
"Huh?"
"Did you do anything with the worms in Spinnet's pajamas?"
Peter looked disgusted. "Worms? What worms? Like the ones down in the common room?"
James and Sirius looked at each other. "Then how...?"
Both of them now looked at Remus who began smiling at the book he was pretending to read. Slowly he lifted his chin and glanced sideways at them. "What?" he asked, trying his best to feign innocence. "Maybe he shouldn't yell at me for having nightmares." He put his book on his little side table, turning out the light by his bed. "G'nite." He shut the curtains, pressing his face into his pillow to stop the giggling.
"Brilliant," he heard Sirius say.
*
In the morning Jame and Sirius were both quite giddy over the worm thing, and congratulated Remus all the way down to breakfast, telling him how proud they were of him. Peter did as well but he was still a little grossed out by the worms so his nose was all crinkled up whenever he mentioned it, imagining worms in his pajamas and hoping that wouldn't happen to him.
Remus tried not to feel proud of himself, he knew it was a dirty trick, but he couldn't help it. Spinnet was just so awful sometimes, and said mean things to Remus whenever he had the nightmares that brought the screams. Sure, he felt bad for waking everyone up. He certainly wished he didn't--but he didn't have control over it, and felt that Spinnet's anger was a little over the top for the situation.
"I know you two did it, who else would it be?" Spinnet growled out as he passed by James and Sirius at breakfast.
"Maybe an older student?" James replied innocently (which for him was also the technical truth as Remus was a couple weeks older than him). "I promise, I swear on my honor neither of us did it."
"You don't have honor," Spinnet said then stalked off to sit as far away as he could.
Shortly after owl post came, Lily came dashing over, a package in her arms. She shoved James out of the way--knocking him off the bench entirely--and sat down next to Remus. "My mother sent some baked goods and since you always share with me, I want to share with you!" When she unwrapped the box a waft of chocolate-y smell came out.
"Yeah, I'm fine, thanks for asking," James complained, getting up off the ground and brushing himself off. "You always gotta do that?"
"Here." She gave Remus two gooey brownies, ignoring James completely. Peter looked a little hopeful but she ignored him too. "I hope you like them."
Remus broke off a corner of one and closed his eyes as soon as it was in his mouth. "It's amazing. Your m-mum's a good baker."
"Yours is too," Lily said, smiling.
"Th-thank you for sharing them."
"Anytime. I'll see you later!" She took the box and returned to her seat next to her female friends.
Peter still looked hopeful so Remus reluctantly broke up the second brownie into three parts. "Nah, that's yours," Sirius said then punched Peter's shoulder when he reached out.
"No, it's f-fine," Remus said. Peter snatched up the bit of brownie eagerly. Sirius scowled then scowled even more when James shrugged and took the second piece. Finally Sirius sighed, thanking Remus as he took the third piece, which reminded James and Peter to both thank him as well. Remus ducked his head, finishing off his brownie, hoping Lily wouldn't mind so much that he had shared.
*
Dearest Remus, 21/11/71
I think the best course of action is to wait and see how you feel during the Christmas holidays, if you want to go back to Hogwarts at all. Once we figure that out, we can figure everything else out.
Love, Mum
Remus stared at the short message, feeling dizzy. He read it again. And again. And again. Then he left the Great Hall, went into a bathroom, locked himself into a stall, and read it again.
"Wait and see," he said, his finger following his mother's curly writing. "Want to go back." What did she mean by that? It made no sense whatsoever! "Wait and see? Wait and see what?!" He wanted to reach into that letter--no, that note--and pull out more words. An explanation. What do you mean, Mum? What do you mean wait and see? What do you mean how I feel? What do you mean IF I want to come back?! "Why--why wouldn't I?" he asked the paper, fingers curling against his thighs.
His breakfast churned in his stomach, rising into his throat. He quickly jumped off the toilet so he could throw up, his throat burning for a minute or so. He flushed the commode and staggered out of the stall, rinsing his mouth out. After he splashed his face, he stared at his reflection in the mirror, thinking about all the letters he had written. Had they sounded too sad? Too lonely? He wrote endlessly of school and classes and how much he loved it here, how could she possibly think he'd not want to come back? Maybe she thought he felt unsafe? But he wrote to her that he did feel safe. So what did she mean?
He reached out, fingers touching the mirror. Then jumped back as a ghost bobbed up into appearance behind him.
"Hullo Remus," Myrtle said, looking as glum as he felt. "I was in a stall down that way and heard retching so I thought I'd come see but it's just you."
"Hullo Myrtle," Remus replied, still looking at his reflection. Their reflections. Both sets of eyes seemed hollow. "Did something happen?"
"Some girls were complaining about my bathroom," she said, lip curling back. "Said it's not fair it's out of order."
"It's not really out of order though, they could still use it if they really wanted," Remus said. He really didn't feel up to a conversation at the moment, and hoped he didn't sound too miserable, though he supposed if he did show how miserable he felt it would just make her happier.
"Nobody wants to," she answered, floating over to sit on the sink. "Did you eat something nasty for breakfast?"
"No, just don't feel so well today," he said, tucking the note from his mother into his pocket.
"You should skip classes then." Myrtle brightened at that. "Come visit me."
It was tempting. Not the visiting part, the skipping part. He wanted to go somewhere to be alone and reread the few words a million times over, try to glean something from them. "I'll visit you after classes," he promised. "I can't skip. As much as I'd like to."
She swung her legs, giving a moany sort of sigh. "Very well. I'll see you later. You better be there," she added darkly before zipping down the sink's plumbing.
Remus bent in to look down the drain. "I will!"
It wasn't until he was nearly to Transfiguration when he stopped in his tracks, wondering why on earth Myrtle had been hanging 'round a boys' bathroom.
*
Professor McGonagall had noticed the troubled look on Remus's face during class so she wasn't at all surprised when he stayed behind, tugging at his baggy robe sleeve, a deep frown across his face.
It took him a few tries then finally he told her his worries about coming back after Christmas. That the first was a full moon so he couldn't, his father couldn't do slide-along apparition, his parents despised using the public Floo. He wrung his hands and whispered his worry that he'd have trouble getting back, he didn't know how he'd get back. He explained he had written to his parents but his mother had just said they'd talk about it over the holidays and he didn't want to wait that long, he wanted to be assured there was something that could be done. He didn't tell her anything else about his mother's note. Wait and see, if you want to come back. Those words floated around his head, pressed into his chest.
McGonagall listened to him then conjured up some tea and biscuits, even though he had History soon, and she had another class. "I admit, we hadn't thought of that aspect of things," she said as Remus took one of the biscuits. "Don't worry, we'll be able to find a solution. Perhaps we can set up a portkey. Does your father know how to do that?"
"I d--dunno," he mumbled.
"Have you ever traveled by portkey?" she asked and he shook his head. "Do you know what that is?"
"Yes, ma'am," he said. "I just d-don't know if my f-father can do that."
"The only other real option is having a teacher come fetch you with slide-along however as far as I know there isn't anyone at the school with a license to bring minors..." McGonagall took a delicate sip of her tea. "Perhaps we can make a portkey, have it enchanted to take you at a specific time. That way you can take it with you, and return on the second. However... portkey travel can be... intense... I am not sure if you'll physically be up for it."
"I'll be fine," he said quickly. He had no idea how 'intense' portkey travel was but he could handle it. Even if it reopened some of his wounds, he'd heal. "It'd p-probably be easier to arrange than having a teacher c-come get me, right?"
"Yes..." She took another sip of tea, studying her young student. "However I am beginning to think it will be too dangerous, especially for an eleven-year-old. If you accidentally let go--"
"I won't."
"And you'll still be healing--"
"I'll be fine," he said again.
McGonagall glanced down at the liquid sloshing gently around in the cup. "We'll arrange something, Mr. Lupin, don't you worry. I'll speak to Albus this evening, and we'll contact your parents to get their input. What they feel would be best for you."
"Th-thank you, Professor." Remus quickly finished the biscuit, swigged down most the tea, then stood up. He was about to wipe his mouth off on his sleeve then realized how ill-mannered that would be, and he picked up a napkin. "I r-really appreciate all the t-trouble you and--and the others go through for me."
McGonagall walked him to the door. "Have a good day," she said and he nearly ran into Sirius who was waiting on the other side of the door, trying to listen in with James and Peter. McGonagall glared at them. "A point each from Gryffindor. Now, off to History, go on."