The goblin crept swiftly through the forest, in the direction of the castle. 'It is time!' he cackled, over and over. 'It is time, it is time!'
To look at his body – twisted, misshapen – you would think he must be a clumsy creature indeed, yet he moved forward rapidly and dexterously, and and with such stealth that he would soon have escaped the watch of even the most careful onlooker.
When he reached the clearing, the moon shone full down on him, and had anyone been there to see, the furious sneer on his ugly little face as he gazed upon the castle walls would have instilled a terror in them that left them quaking. It was a strange, inhuman expression. Was it rage, or was it glee? Or to a creature this horrid, were these two emotions perhaps one and the same?
'It is time!' he said.
How he gained egress to the castle need not concern us. Suffice it to say that walls, made as they are of stone and mortar, may be very effective against mere people, but there are some things that cannot be kept out. Fate is one, evil another, and on this night the goblin was the embodiment of both.
Inside the castle, there was the sound of a baby crying. The castle was huge and labyrinthine, and had it not been for this sound, perhaps the goblin would not have known where he should head. Perhaps he would have searched and searched and finally given up. Probably not, but perhaps...
The sound guided him as surely as a beacon, and within short moments he was within the queen's chamber.
The queen was sitting up in her chair though the hour was late. The child was sat on the floor screaming and beating a viol to bits with a rattle. Fragments of wood surrounded him on the floor.
The goblin watched the scene for a little while, and then said, softly: 'So this is what a human child looks like.'. The queen gave a little gasp and looked up. She had not noticed when this embodiment of malignity enter into her vicinity; people rarely do.
'Perhaps you thought I would not come. Perhaps you thought I had forgotten,' said the goblin. But then he looked closely at the queen's face – the candlelight was dim, but he could see well enough in the dark – and said: 'No. By tiredness in your face and the hollowness in your eyes, I see that you did not.'
'No,' said the queen. 'I have always known you would come. When I first gave birth, the king and the servants could not understand why I was so distressed to look upon his dear face. They did not know of the deal we had made. They did not know that you would come and take him away, and the fact that I alone knew what was to happen only added to the torment.'
'And you have been living with this torment for nigh on two years now,' said the goblin, and he did not try to disguise the pleasure which this thought gave him.
'The king rarely comes to my chamber these days,' lamented the queen. Even the servants seldom come. Most days from the dawn until the noontime, and up until the night falls, he is my only companion.'
'And I am here to take him away. He will be my companion, and he will live the rest of his days with me in my gloomy home underneath the forest, never seeing the sun.'
The boy, who could not have understood what was being said, nonetheless screamed and threw his rattle at the hideous figure by the door. The queen covered her face in her hands, for she did not wish the goblin to see the emotion that had quite overcome her.
The goblin opened his mouth to speak, but the child was screaming still, and he waited for it to finish. After a little while, it became apparent that the child was not going to stop, so when he spoke he had to raise his voice. 'Of course, you have one chance to prevent this,' he said.
'Ha!' said the queen. 'I remember the terms of the contract well and it is no chance at all. How could I possibly guess your name? Your name could be anything. I would need an infinity of guesses to cover every possibility and I am permitted but three.'
'These are the terms,' the goblin yelled. 'So, queen... I say, do you want to comfort him? I care not for his feelings, but it might stop him from making that racket.'
'No,' said the queen sadly. 'I used to try that, but it has no effect. You just need to wait 'til he has exhausted himself.'
'I see.' The goblin was frowning now. 'That smell...' he said.
'Is there a smell?' said the queen. 'Yes, I believe the king mentioned one. It is one of the reasons he does not like to visit me. I notice nothing. I suppose I have become accustomed to it.'
The child screamed on, and it clutched the neck of the broken viol and started banging at against the ground as he screamed.
The goblin was frowning now. He was noticing for the first time the broken toys and artworks that littered the floor of the room. And over by the fireplace, there looked to be some kind of putrid, viscous semi-fluid. He wrinkled his nose.
'Perhaps you are wondering why nobody has cleared up after him,' said the queen. 'You see, the servants do not come here because he is protective of me, and he attacks them. And if I clear up after him, he seems to take it as a signal to produce more... mess.'
'Hmm,' said the goblin. He was thinking of his neat, orderly forest home. 'It was just three guesses, wasn't it.'
'I fear so,' said the queen. 'And my first guess is... Malfortunato. Because you represent the worst that fate can do to a person.'
'It is a clever guess,' said the goblin. 'And many might say an apt name. Yet it is not my name.'
He dodged to one side as the child hurled the viol at him. The child then seized the queen's leg, ripped the stocking and bit down viciously on her ankle.
'Um... is there any way to stop him from doing that?' said the goblin.
'None that I have found,' said the queen, and the scar tissue now visible on her lower leg bore out her answer. 'My second guess is...'
'Well hold on, hold on!' said the goblin. 'There may be a way to... I take pity on you and I wonder if there might be some... loophole in the contract.'
'I have read the contract over and over,' said the queen. 'I know it inside out. There is no loophole, I fear.'
'Well that doesn't mean we can't be a little bit sporting. I'm sure I can give you some sort of clue,' the goblin said. 'Let's see. We can split my name into four parts. Er... the first... it's a kind of steak.'
'Alas, I am a vegetarian,' said the queen. 'I have little knowledge of what you say.'
'That's okay,' said the goblin. It's also a part of the body. He turned to the side and indicated his bottom. 'It's this. This is my... mm! Okay? Now the second part is something you might do to a door. This isn't a push door, it's a mm door! It's what you do to a door when you want to open it. Okay?'
'Okay,' said the queen. She was concentrating hard. The child was now clambering up her leg and on to her lap. When he got there, he kept going with a determination that belied some kind of purpose, up her arm.
'Right, so we've got a part of the body, then something you do to a door...' said the goblin. 'The third one is... hmm. You might put them on your feet and walk around on them. They look quite amusing; you might see people walking round on them at the circus or something. They're made of wood.'
The child, now perching on the back of the queen's chair, leant over her and opened his mouth as wide as it would go. There was a wet sound from inside his throat, and then he made a noise that sounded like: 'BWAAAAAAAAAARRR!'
'The final part of my name...' said the goblin.
'BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!' said the child.
'The final part is very simple, for it is something that you have covering every part of your body. Now, queen.' There was a trace of desperation in his voice now. 'Now queen, would you care to make a second guess?'
'Is it... Bumjimmy-Clogsvomit?' said the queen.
'Do you know, that's remarkably close!' said the goblin. 'That's... I say, do you want a cloth or something?'
'No, it's okay. I'm used to it, and anyway, he probably hasn't finished yet.'
'Ah. But yes, that's so close in fact, that I'm tempted to give it to you.'
'Oh I know you are,' said the queen. 'I know you are, you kind, dear, sweet man, and I am grateful for it. But the contract states that the name must be exact. And a contract written in blood must be honoured above all else, this I know. However much I wish it could be otherwise.'
'Yes,' said the goblin. 'Yes, yes. Indeed it must. Well then queen, you have one more guess, and perhaps it is prudent to take your time before you make it. Perhaps inspiration will come to you.'
There was silence in the room. Even the child had temporarily fallen silent, preoccupied as he was with yanking out chunks of the queen's hair.
'How long does he generally sleep for?' said the goblin.
'Sleep?' said the queen incredulously.
'Oh. Right. Never mind then. Just... just see if inspiration strikes at all.'
There was silence again. The goblin's attention seemed to wander. He seemed lost in a reverie. Softly, he started to sing to himself; a the song that he had been singing the night before in the forest. Apparently, he did not notice that the queen's eyes were now fixed on him intently.
'The queen will never win my game...'
When he had sung it in the forest the night before, it had had a triumphal, victorious air. Now it was slower, and mournful, a little like a dirge.
'For Rumplestiltskin is my name,' he sang on.
When he had sung through the song three or four times, with increasingly careful diction each time, he suddenly seemed to realise what he was singing, and his eyes widened, and his hand clamped over his mouth theatrically. He turned to the queen, who quickly looked away.
'You didn't... I suppose you weren't paying attention to what I was singing just now?' he said.
'No,' the queen lied.
'It was a meaningless little goblin song,' he said. 'Not worth paying attention to.'
'I see,' said the queen.
'Well, my queen. I will delay no longer. Either you can guess my name or you cannot. This is your last chance to keep hold of your beloved infant boy, before I take him away from you forever.'
The boy began to wail again.
'So queen, what is my name?' said the goblin.
'Is it Bob?' said the queen.
She was looking at him very calmly. Finally, understanding dawned in his eyes.
'Fuck,' said the goblin.