theo
Tanner wrapped Theo tighter in a fluffy blanket, worry showing in his honey colored eyes.
"Are you sure that you're warm enough?" Theo nodded again, only half listening.
Tanner kept fussing over him, sitting still for no longer than two minutes before getting up again to check him over. His big worried eyes just made Theo's guilt even heavier, but all the words he wanted to say- needed to say- just wouldn't come out.
Words like: I love you, I'm sorry, I'll leave now, please leave me, don't go, I can't do this, I'm so sorry, I love you too, please hold me, please, I'm sorry, Tanner, please, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm-
"Theo!" Tanner suddenly cried, grabbing him by his arms. "Hey! Come back to me!"
"What?" He whispered, looking up at Tanner with tears spilling down his cheeks. He hadn't even realized he'd been crying until there were enough tears pouring from his face to fill a bathtub.
"Baby, what am I supposed to do?" Tanner cried suddenly, tears flowing down his face. "Theo, I don't know what to do. You're not here anymore! Please, Theo-"
"Tanner," Theo whispered, putting his hand on his cheek. "It's okay. You've been so good- you've been perfect. I'm so grateful, Tanner. You've already done so much more than you've needed to. Thank you," he whispered, swallowing hard. "But Tanner, this is too much. I can't put this on you. This isn't your responsibility. I can't drag you through this, I can't make you care for me like this. I'm so grateful Tanner, thank you, thank you." Tanner squeezed his eyes shut, bottom lip quivering, and leaned into Theo's hand.
"Okay," he whispered. "Okay. What should we do?"
"I think we have to go to the hospital."
...
For the entirety of the car ride, Tanner was silent. He would stare dead ahead for extended periods of time, completely unflinching, but then his face would crumple and he would sob suddenly, burying his face in the hand he wasn't steering with. It hurt Theo so bad to see him like that. He'd always heard people say that 'you'd be missed if you killed yourself' and 'you are loved', but it had been impossible for him to understand until he'd almost done it. Never had he truly known how much Tanner cared about him until he'd almost left him, and he felt so stupid. Of course Tanner liked him, of course he did. I'm such an idiot. He still didn't understand why, but nevertheless he knew it to be true. He'd also never thought suicide to be selfish, but seeing Tanner so disheveled and shocked by it truly broke him more deeply than his own attempt itself. He felt like a monster, a complete and utter monster.
"We're here," Tanner whispered, pulling into the parking lot closest to the emergency room.
Theo exited the car, letting Tanner take his hand and guide him into the hospital.
"It's okay," he mumbled, squeezing Theo's hand. "I'll figure it out."
...
Theo had been expecting the looks, the coughing, the beeping, and the smell- but not the wait. He understood that a mental health issue could be shoved farther down the line than a physical one, but after four hours ticked by he began to feel antsy.
"How are you feeling?" Tanner murmured just next to his ear.
"Numb," Theo mumbled back, leaning his head into his shoulder. "I'm just tired," he added.
"Sleep, then. I'll wait for them to call on us." Theo nodded, too exhausted to put up a fight, and buried his face into Tanner's neck.
It felt like he'd been asleep for both a minute and a year at the same time when Tanner gently shook him awake.
"Hey, it's our turn," he said, lifting Theo up and guiding him to the examination room.
Once the entered, Theo collapsed onto the bed he'd been pointed to, never releasing Tanner's hand. The nurse took his vitals and asked him basic questions: 'do you want to hurt yourself now, are you going to hurt someone else, do you self harm, are you safe at home,' etc. Theo answered mindlessly, unable to meet the nurse's eyes and fidgeting with Tanner's fingers in his hand.
"Thank you," the nurse said, then informed them a psychologist would be in soon.
Everything seemed to pass in a blur, like he wasn't really in his body. He only snapped back to reality when someone walked by the exam room door and he realized how close he was to seriously speaking with someone about all that he'd been through.
"Tanner," he started, snapping his head up and turning to stare at him. "I don't wanna go to a psych ward, Tanner. Oh god, what if they don't let me live with you? What if they send me into foster care? Oh god, Tanner, I'm so stupid. Why didn't I think of this? Oh god. I'm so scared, Tanner, I'm-"
"Shh, baby, shh," Tanner whispered, pulling Theo into his arms. "Shh, shh. It's okay. I won't let them take you out of my home. I won't. You're stuck with me, okay? And if they do send you to a psych ward, you'll be safe there. I'll visit everyday and call whenever you want. It won't be forever. I know you'll be able to do it," he whispered, stroking calming circles onto Theo's back. "You're okay."
"Okay," Theo whispered, calming down. He breathed into Tanner's chest, letting his eyes fall shut. "Okay. Thank you, Tanner."
A sharp knock rang against the door, snapping Theo back up and out of Tanner's arms. He rubbed his eyes as the psychologist walked in, breathing deeply to calm himself.
"Hello there, Theo," she said in a calming tone, smiling sadly. "I'm Dr. Richards. What's going on?"
Theo opened his mouth helplessly, glancing towards Tanner. He nodded, running his fingers through Theo's hair and launching into an explanation of the night. Theo nodded along and leaned into Tanner's side, so so so so so so so grateful to have him there. Eventually Tanner finished, looking down at Theo and then back up at the doctor.
"I see," she said, frowning thoughtfully at Theo. "How are you feeling now?"
"I'm just... I'm not really feeling anything. Empty, I guess," he mumbled, more at the floor than the doctor.
"I understand," she said, her once kind words now registering as fake as her tone never changed from a piteous sort of drawl. Theo wondered how often she had to do this. "Are you on any medication?"
"Prozac," he answered.
"Are you seeing a psychiatrist for that?"
"Yeah. Semiannually."
"Alright. I'll get into contact with her and see if we can up the dosage. Do you have a therapist?"
"No."
"Right. We'll give you a sheet of references and call in to put you high on the waitlist. Now, are you currently thinking of hurting yourself?"
"No," Theo mumbled. "I'm just tired."
"Do you think you'll hurt yourself within the following week?"
"No."
"Month?"
"Maybe."
"Year?"
"Probably."
"Alright, then. Do you think you'll hurt someone else?"
"No."
"Within the following week?"
"No, I never would. Not unless I had to," he sighed, tired of her mandatory interview.
"I see. Well, I think you're alright, then. Let me print up that reference list, then you're free to go."
"Wait, what?" Theo asked, fully waking back up. "Aren't you going to send me away?"
AN
hello readers! any second-time friends here may notice that this chapter previously ceased to exist, along with the next few. this is because I wrote this book sometime between fourth to sixth grade, and I've been doing a deep edit of it. the original story here felt like a poor representation of mental illness to me, so I decided to make it more realistic and less glorified. i hope you enjoy, stay safe, and reach out.
:)
-ja