In my third week since the reign of Father Brian was abruptly halted I finally besieged the holy church of the Guardians of Christ. This wasn't through a violent coup but rather an equally dramatic event as I finally gave them the leader they deserved.
I was rather enjoying their extra-curricular militia activities, especially at the firing range where they revealed an impressive arsenal of weapons. I was able to fire off everything from AR15s to even a sniper rifle. These people were prepping for a war they had no idea was coming. To reveal myself as the resurrection of a prophet like Jesus I could simply have one of them shoot me with their human-made bullets and simply see that I had not died for their sins. However, that would not reach the whole and I was a man of the people and thought they could use a good spectacle.
It was on one particular Sunday I started to read from a special passage of the bible during my designated bible reading.
"Good morning to you all. I would like to use this opportunity to read an extract from Luke 24:1. It may help in providing you all with the context of the vision that appeared to me last night."
There were some confused and excited mumblings among the congregation. I continued:
"On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, "Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: 'The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.' " Then they remembered his words."
I paused at the end of this verse and looked over at Beverley. "Do you trust me?"
She nodded.
"For you see, last night I was visited by an angel of the Lord. Its power encircled me while I slept and woke me with revelation" I exclaimed proudly.
I was beginning to feel déjà vu for my first night with Adam. At this point I could almost feel his eyes rolling out the back in scorn. The delicious and deliberate establishment of irony was a universal punch-line I could only take great delight in voicing.
Various confusion erupted among the fellow bible-bashers in front of me with the odd "What?" He must be joking surely."
"They told me that I was one of the chosen people: That I would be the next prophet of our lord."
Ned in a look of scorn interrupted, broadcasting his immediate cynicism. "What like the next Jesus Christ?"
"That's a nice compliment but no." Before I could add my 'I'm more middle management than that' line I bit my tongue.
"A prophet like Jesus, but not quite the same thing. I am more like the new coke than the classic."
A few people smiled at this line.
"And before any of you may call me out and label me a liar, this angel told me that like Jesus I would be tested."
Again more murmurs and on these sounds I crossed over to the altar. I picked up a knife I had left out earlier for this particular occasion. I deftly gathered it up and walked over to where Beverley was standing. I handed her the blade.
"Is this a regular blade?"
"Pardon?" She asked.
"Would you say that this is real and not some stunt blade they would use for the stage like a showing of Macbeth?" I asked further.
"I guess so." She replied.
"Can you touch the edge?" I asked.
She let her finger slide over the tip and one side of the serated edge.
"It's also quite sharp." She commented.
I felt like a magician at this point, talking to his lovely assistant Sharon before performing his act.
"Would you please stab me?"
"What?!"
A number of gasps escaped the mouths of the gobsmacked.
"Please stab me in the hands, right in the middle, where Jesus had been nailed to the cross."
"I'm not going to do that."
"Please trust me. It will be alright. The angel told me to have faith and I'm asking you for the same."
"I can't do it!" she cried.
"Please, I would do it myself but I need someone else to do it. These people need to believe."
She stood there for a moment and tried to fathom what I was asking her to do. At this point, a confident voice boomed across the room.
"I'll do it!" to my complete and utter lack of surprise, Ned agreed to do the deed.
The bell tolls for thee Ned, it tolls for thee you smug, sanctimonious prick.
He could possibly be first on my shit-list although this action would play right into my hands.
This became quite literal as he very quickly seized the blade off Beverley and plunged it into my left hand. I remained calm as I politely told him, pretending to wince just a little.
"Now the other hand." I commanded.
He stabbed it again into my right hand, letting the knife go through. In each of my modified appendages, the blood was starting to gush out on onto the church floor. In unison, each of the horrified members of my captive congregation issued the usual cries of alarm and astonishment. As Ned pulled the knife out, Beverley grabbed it off him for fear he was going to start stabbing me everywhere in an animalistic frenzy. I pushed the hands together, feigning some measure of pain and in a prayer like stance as I humbly collapsed to the floor. The onlookers could see that I was prostrate, kneeling in prayer with bloodied hands that were spewing forth the blood of my antichrist, dripping on the floor quicker than the outpouring of sacramental wine. I kneeled there for a moment and just before people contemplated ringing the paramedics, I rose up. I allowed each arm to raise up in unison, I was caressing the universe with my blood-soaked hands. I turned the palms of my hands outwards to face the audience.
"I still say it's a trick" exclaimed Ned.
I glared at him, letting the burning embers of my eyes bear into his skull. I spoke coldly but very succinctly and yet soft enough for only Ned and Beverley to hear.
"Careful Ned. You don't want to be making accusations when I know what you do in the dark. Maybe I should let your dearest wife know about your grinder account or maybe she should know about your secret rendezvous'. Where else do you go on these precious fishing trips?"
His eyes went white with terror and he promptly shut his mouth.
"Sorry, I believe you too." He said loudly after a long and awkward silence.
He scurried back to his pew.
In this moment, to the captive onlookers it would appear in only a manner of seconds. In nanoseconds and life at the cellular level it was a lengthy process to use my genetic power to start recoding the cells in the middle of my palm to spread outwards and pump out the necessary lymphocytes to start repairing all the damaged tissue. At the surface level it was only a matter of seconds before my hands started to miraculously heal over.
I addressed the audience very simply, speaking only slightly above a whisper: "Revelation."
Beverley yelled out "It's a miracle!"
Miracles were incredibly rare and the looks on the faces of these rubes was absolutely breathtaking. In the midst of their astonishment, their eyes reflected a spark of the divine and the relief of hope.
"Brothers and sisters, I'm sure you understand now that I am here. I am the way, the truth and the light."
And the lies, and the dark.
Beverley walked towards me and clutched my hand tightly in hers.
"We were lost and in these dark times, much like Brian, we needed a new Prophet to lead the way. Please look towards our new Father Abraham."
I knew I could count on Beverley.
Now I needed some more trusted allies to continue my crusade.
We few, we happy few were all assailed by hope as this squad of glorified Orangutans would follow me into the next apocalyptic renaissance.
I turned again to address the crowd, shouting gleefully "All glory to the maker!"
They almost mechanically replied. "All glory to the maker."
Tears of resplendent joy dripped down my face before I beamed a grin that would linger on their scorched souls well after this service had ended.