I haven't slept the past couple days. I run off a copious amount of caffeine, whatever food Bree forces me to eat that day, and the adrenaline of performing in front of thousands.
I had a job to do, fans counting on me. In light of everything that's going on in the word, relationship troubles should be insignificant in comparison, right?
I planned a tour unlike any that has been done before. Visually I went all out, creating a beautiful set design. Got myself a killer wardrobe. Selling merchandise I'm proud of. Hired a camera crew who will be recording at each venue for my tour documentary. And I've arranged for every show to end with a musical guest- friends in the industry- to share the stage with me. Everything planned out perfectly months ago.
This is suppose to be one of the best times of my life. I wish I could enjoy it all, but at least my fans are able to.
The Canada shows went well. One night I was singing 'How You Remind Me' with Nickleback and the other I got to sing 'My Heart Will Go On' with the Céline Dion. Damn love songs. In New York, Jay-Z joined me for our 9/11 tribute. It was incredibly emotional being there, but I'm glad I was able to bring even just an ounce of joy to them. Together we performed our song 'Heartbreaker', as well as 'Izzo'.
The next morning I got a call from Murphy- Sarah had the baby. He's a bit early, but nonetheless a healthy baby boy named Theodore- Teddy for short. So I immediately got on the next flight back to Michigan to meet my Godson.
I brought flowers and balloons for Sarah, a baseball hat that says #1 DAD I found in the airport for Murphy, and food for the new parents to eat while I hold their newborn. He's so perfect and tiny, blonde and a button nose. I fill a whole film roll of his adorable face to print out for them and to get me through till the next time I see him. Sarah shares with me the details of the birth which was a bit...traumatizing to hear. But I'm glad both Mom and baby are doing okay. And while I was so happy for my friends and their new addition, I couldn't help feeling deeply saddened once again.
I leave the new family, giving hugs and kisses till next time, and get into my rental car to go back to the airport. I have a flight to Philadelphia to catch. A concert to perform tomorrow.
And yet...
Parked in an empty lot of a closed Kroger's, I sit in thought for a long time till finally I take my phone out, my fingers dialing the number I know by heart. By the time my mind catches up to what I'm doing, I'm already three rings into calling Marshall's home phone. I remove my cell from my ear, my finger hovering over the end button- why am I calling him? Because I miss his voice, I miss him, that's why.
I bring the phone back to my ear, but the call has gone to voicemail.
Last chance to hang up. I can make up one of those butt dial excuses if he ever asks. Though I doubt he will. But when I hear the beep, I start talking.
"Hey...it's me." I take a long pause before continuing, "I uhm...I'm in Michigan. Murph and Sarah had their baby- Teddy his names Teddy- you now like the bear. Cute, right? I got to see him and hold him, he's so little and definitely looks more like Sarah. Which is probably a good thing." I pause again, "God, I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm telling you all this except...you're the only person I want to talk to right now and....Marshall...I need you to know that I-"
There's a click and suddenly I hear, "Katie?"
It takes me a moment to respond, shocked to actually hear his voice saying my name again, "Hi."
"You're back?"
"I am." I tell him, "Could we...could we talk? Can I see you?...Please?"
I hold my breath, waiting for the rejection.
There's a long pause before he replies, "Meet me at the studio."
<<>><<>>
It's dusk as I pull into the lot of the studio, parking next to Marshall's car- the only other one here. I see it's running and I inhale a shaky breath that fails to calm my nerves.
Here goes nothing.
I get out of my car, just as Marshall steps out of his. Sauntering over in a blue cut off, hands in the pockets of his black sweatpants, his glasses on. His hair still brown of course for filming. He looks good as always. The expression on his face though is guarded, staring at me with zero warmth.
"Hey." I greet him softly, unsurely, as he leans against the back of his SUV.
"What do you want?" he asks, looking down at his sneakers.
"To get back together." I say, getting right to the point. His head snaps up. I take a step closer to him, spilling all I regret, "I never should have broken up with you to begin with. I just...I've made so many mistakes, thinking I was doing the right thing- thinking I knew best by keeping the miscarriage from you and by leaving. But I know nothing and I screwed everything up. And I'm so so sorry Marshall. I was wrong. Even the whole wanting a baby thing, I don't...I don't need that. Not like I need you."
His brow furrows as he tilts his head back, resting it on the rear windshield. He's quiet a moment, which makes me nervous.
"I called you, you know." He straightens up, looking at me with a mix of pain and anger, "I called a thousand fuckin' times, tryin' to get you back. You ignored every one of 'em. Just one fuckin' text tellin' me you can't. And I know, I fuckin' know, I yelled at you and I was an asshole and I walked away first and everything. I'm sorry. But I never thought you'd do what you did."
Tears have blurred my vision. I want to apologize more. Explain more. Say anything to stop him from looking at me like that. But I stay silent, letting him speak. After shutting him out, I owe him that much.
"You know what I woulda done if you told me from the start? I woulda fuckin' been there for you. I woulda told you how fuckin' sorry I was that it happened to you. To us. 'Cause we fuckin' lost a baby Katie, not just you, a'ight? We coulda gone through it all together." He pauses, clearing his throat when it gets thick with emotion. "But you didn't let me. And I'm sorry for makin' you think you couldn't tell me. But just because I don't want more kids doesn't mean I don't give a fuck."
I didn't think it was possible to hate myself more than I already did, but I do. I'm incapable of doing anything right. And I ruined everything with him because of it. I always knew I was bad at this love and relationship thing. I just really thought it'd be different with Marshall. That I'd be different. But I'm not. I'm the same complicated mess he met three years ago.
My voice is small as I say, "You must hate me."
"Not even a little bit." he says like he wishes otherwise. Still, it gives me hope. Till, "But so much has happened, you know. We can't just go back to how it was. And you know, this time...I can't."
Pain is all I feel as he throws my own words back at me. My heartbreak spreading to every inch of me. It's too late. I've really lost him.
I nod, having no words. I had hoped for a different answer. But truthfully I knew this was the only one I'd get. Still, my lip trembles and I bite down to stop it, not wanting him to feel bad when he's done nothing wrong.
"You okay?" he asks.
"Mmhm." I nod my head, forcing a smile. Pointless as a tear falls down my cheek. I wipe it away quickly. "I'll be fine. Really. I will. And I understand, I do. It wasn't fair of me to come here and ask you anyways."
He doesn't agree or disagree with that statement, just standing there, watching me carefully. He'a being way nicer than I expected- than I deserve. Always so good to me, even now. Somehow that makes this all worse.
"I just-" I take in a shaky breath as I hold back the tears, "I only want you to be happy okay?"
He doesn't hesitate to respond, "I want that for you too."
I wont be without him. The very idea that I could eventually move on terrifies me. That I'll find someone new. Get married. Settle down, maybe even have children. And I'll have everything I think I want and still will feel empty.
Because it wont be with him.
Maybe I'll fall in love again. But it'll never be what I had with Marshall. There's no one like him.
With nothing left to say, I give him a bittersweet smile and turn towards my car. But stop and turn back. I don't think, I just cross the small distance between us and wrap my arms around him. Hoping to convey to him how much I love him and how much I appreciate him and how sorry I truly am that I ruined it all with just a hug. A farewell hug I guess too. Thanking him for it all.
His arms go around me, holding me tight against him. I'm wearing a sweater but it doesn't stop the shiver that runs through my body, being in his arms again. He presses his face into my hair, and I faintly feel his lips there. Maybe we both needed this hug.
I could stay like this forever. Pretend just for a second that it doesn't have to end.
After a moment I pull my head back to look at him, expecting to see his guarded expression once more. But I don't.
He brings his hand to my face and wipes away my tears tenderly. I wasn't even aware I was crying again. His hand stays there on my cheek.
"I should go." I state.
He nods but neither of us move away. Instead he leans towards me- or maybe I ease towards him. Or maybe both.
Either way, our lips meet, moving softly against each other.
He stops too soon, but doesn't back away. He searches my eyes for a moment, till he finds what he's looking for.
He holds my head between his hands, capturing my mouth again in a possessive kiss. He was holding back before but not now. Both of us pouring everything into it, leaving me completely breathless.
He turns us around, pressing me up against his car.
"What are we doin?" he asks against my lips.
"I don't know." I breath, pulling him closer by his shirt. But I do know. And so does he, by the look he's giving me.
Closure, that's all this is. The last time.
He opens the door for me and I climb into his SUV, crawling across the backseat. He follows, closing the door behind him. I take off my sweater, no longer cold. His glasses are gone, removed and probably tossed to the front somewhere. I run my hand over his jaw, his eyes filled with a fiery desire as they dart down to my already swollen lips, so I pull him back to me.
His tongue moves with mine and I can feel his hand slide up my thigh. I thank God I wore a dress, a short pink slip with tiny white flowers all over, it makes this so much easier.
"This dress was a good choice." he says, and I laugh softly, amazed we are thinking the same thing.
He eases me down till I'm laying under him, hovering over me where he can so not to put all his weight on me.
I clutch his shoulders as his mouth drops to my neck, burning a wet trail from my lips down my neck. He slips the strap of my dress down my shoulder enough to plant hot kisses on my breasts too.
Needing him, I pull him back up reconnecting to his lips hungrily, biting the bottom one the way I know he likes. My hands reach under his shirt, up his back. An ache builds within me. I can feel his straining erection and my hips move against him, seeking friction. He groans.
"Marshall please. I need..."
"What do you need?"
"You. I need you."
He kisses me quickly once more then leans over the passenger seat to reach into the glove compartment where I know he keeps a few condoms. This isn't the first time we've done it here.
Just the last, a voice in my head reminds me.
I take a deep breath to clear my mind, not needing that reminder. Thankfully Marshall comes back to me and I get lost in him again.
His hands move further up my thighs, pushing the short skirt of my dress up higher, bunching it around my waist. Hooking his fingers into the hem of my underwear, he tells me, "Lift your hips for me baby."
I do as he says and he slips them down my legs, tossing them to the ground. His hand moves between my thighs as he kisses my neck more, and I turn my head to accommodate him. My eyes start to flutter close till I spot something by my discarded underwear.
A pill bottle.
I just make out the words AMBIEN when Marshall suddenly sits up. I quickly forget what I saw as my attention turns to him pushing down his pants and boxers, just enough to free him, before reaching out to me. I don't waste time moving over to straddle his lap.
We don't bother removing any more of each other's clothing, too desperate to connect with each other.
Taking a hold of him in my hand I stroke up and down a few times. And then I take the condom from him, tearing the wrapper open.
Once on, it only seconds before he's inside me.
"Fuck Katie." he groans, as I move on top of him slowly, "You feel so good baby."
I nod, my eyes closed in pleasure, feeling the same way. I want to tell him I love him. It's something I'm so used to saying, especially while we're like this. But now, it no longer feels right.
He brushes the hair out of my face then and I meet his eyes. I don't have to say it, I realize. It's written all over my face, just as it is his.
He pulls me in to kiss him again, squeezing my ass as he pushes me down harder against him, setting a new rhythm.
"Oh my god." I pant.
Sex was never an issue between Marshall and I. It's always been intense with him. Filled with pure passion and desire. The mind-blowing connection between us incomparable to anything I've ever experienced. Thinking this would bring us closure was absolute bullshit, just a reminder of what else I'm loosing, but in the moment I don't care.
I can tell he won't last much longer and he reaches a hand between us to help me along. My body tenses before I shudder around him, his name on my lips, followed quickly by his own release. I fall forward against him, spent. Neither of us are in a rush to move just yet, so we don't.
When it ends I try to memorize it all.
His lashes fluttering softly against my skin.
His labored breathing, hot against my neck.
The smell of his sweat, mingled with my own.
The taste of him still on my lips.
The pleasant ache between my thighs.
The last remaining waves of an orgasm only he's been able to give me, still coursing through my body.
Our hearts beating wildly against each other.
Being in love and feeling so overwhelmingly loved in return.
I'll never feel any of this again.
I really though we were meant for each other. That I found the one. But meant to be doesn't always mean meant to last.
<<>><<>><<>><<>>
A/N
I definitely thought I would have more time to write this month, so sorry. I seriously try lol. But I'm currently working on the next one! PS. I did a quick edit before posting, so hopefully it's okay!