The first day of school went exactly the way I expected it to. I'd stepped up from freshman level, made a name for myself with the upperclassman, the year was going to be a breeze.
The party hadn't hurt, and no one outside of my close friends had realized I'd completely disappeared for an hour. I hadn't even told Matt that I'd spent that time in my bed with Lakyn, running my fingers through his hair until he'd fallen asleep.
He'd been awake again by the time I had gotten the party taken care of, watching some movie surrounded by pillows. He'd been surprised that I hadn't been wasted, but I'd stopped drinking after his meltdown. I hadn't even wanted to go back to the party, but I knew that if I didn't, someone would have come looking for me. I had a feeling Lakyn didn't want anyone else seeing him.
I kept my eye out for him during the day. He hid behind his uniform and his hair, faded into the background as much as he could. It wasn't possible to watch him as much as I wanted to, which was why I lost track of him during lunch.
What I hadn't expected was to come back to a crowd of people. I pushed my way through it only to find Lakyn at the other end. His jaw was red and angry, Matt was posted up in front of him, and somehow Kaitlynn had ended up in the middle of it all.
"What the hell did I miss?" I asked.
All three of them looked at me and Matt ruffled Lakyn's hair before throwing an arm over his shoulder, very much like a proud older brother. "This jerk is fighting on the first day."
I felt my eyebrows shoot up. Fighting was very contradictory to Lakyn's fade-into-the-shadows personality. "Really?"
I'd almost forgotten we were in public, but then everyone within a fifty foot radius was bearing down on me, all trying to tell me what had gone down. All of the stories were different, but I knew I'd get it straight from Matt and Kaitlynn later.
I listened to enough to be polite, then shook the bag of take-out I'd gotten in Lakyn's direction. "Want some chicken?"
He stared at me for a moment, then shook his head and moved out from under Matt's arm. "Nah. I'm fine."
I dropped my gaze to a tray of food on the ground. It was scattered and trampled on and I had a very strong feeling it was Lakyn's.
"I'm fine, Scott," he said again, stronger that time. I wasn't going to win. I shrugged instead, and Matt clapped his shoulder in a sign of silent support before letting him go. Lakyn disappeared into the crowd. Even if he'd been the center of attention for a hot minute, no one cared about him enough to follow.
"What the hell?" I asked the other two. Kaitlynn threw her hands up in annoyance but Matt shook his head slowly.
"Dude," he said, with an emphasis that I felt in my soul.
***
After lunch, I couldn't concentrate. I put in just enough effort to keep myself from falling behind in my social standing, but that was it. I had gym last, but the coaches just made us run laps. I pushed myself the way Lakyn always did. Hopefully, I'd figure out how to keep up with him one day.
I found him at his locker well after the dismissal bell, and wiped my forehead dry before approaching him.
"How was it?" I asked. I hated that I sounded worried.
Lakyn sighed. "I'm not going to go home and swallow a bunch of pills, if that's what you're asking."
I didn't know what to say to that. I didn't know what I was asking. I didn't know if I was even doing the right thing, trying to talk to him. I stared at my feet while my fingers tapped against the lockers. I was good with people. They were pretty much the only things I was good at. But Lakyn James was a different kind of beast.
I steeled my nerves, looked up at him, and plastered on a smile. "So, when did you start fighting?"
"Go away," Lakyn said. Deadpanned. Like I was a bug that was inconvincing him.
"C'mon, I gotta know. How many moves do you have? Did you take a class or is it pure street --"
He slammed his locker door shut. "Get off my dick, Scott."
"Now, that would be completely counterproductive to my seduction plan," I muttered. It just came out. Horny Gay Teenager Word Vomit. There was no stopping it, so I threw in a pout for good measure.
Lakyn stared at me for a moment, and then laughed. "You're such a fucking nerd."
This time, my grin was real. "You like it."
"True," Lakyn said. "But you have boundary issues."
My confidence faltered. Suddenly I wasn't sure if Lakyn's disdain was the odd type of flirting I'd chalked it up to, or if it was real. I ran my hand through my hair and swallowed the knot that was growing in my throat.
"If you really want me to back off, I will," I said. I was serious about it, too. I had enough girl friends to know that, despite what my father said, relentless pursuit wasn't actually what people wanted. "Give me a solid no. Right now. No hurt feelings, no arguments, I'll walk away. I'll leave you alone."
Too fast, Lakyn said, "I don't want you to stop."
My eyebrows raised and I studied his face, waiting for him to take it back. He shook his head, but what he said was, "Wanna fuck?"
The surprise nearly took me off of my freaking feet. I leaned away from him like he'd slapped me, and said the only thing that came to mind. "Doesn't your jaw hurt."
Lakyn shrugged, nonchalant. "Yours doesn't."
***
He was covered in scars. They were everywhere. Too thin and too perfect to be accidental. To be caused by anyone other than himself.
Gently, I touched one of the scars along his wrist. Vertical, thick, and ugly. An expression of feelings that were begging to explode from him. Lakyn's eyes opened slowly, and I could have lost myself in them then. The depths of the gray, the hurt hidden behind the layer of color. He was beautiful.
"You do this all the time," I said, drawing my thumb along the marred skin. "What are you thinking about?"
Lakyn sighed and tucked his free arm under his head. He was laying on his back, the sheets pulled around his waist, so close to me that I could feel his breath on my shoulder. "Scott--"
"You think about how you're supposed to be dead, don't you?" It was a question, but it really wasn't. I was beginning to recognize it. The look in his eyes. The tired way he carried himself. I left the scar on his wrist and went to the ones on his shoulders instead.
I didn't think he was going to answer me, but then he said, "Usually, yeah."
I moved down the bed so that I could put my head against his chest, and pushed at the blankets so that I could press my fingers to his hips. I'd noticed them earlier, the long scars there. "Why so many different places?"
"They're all for different things," Lakyn said.
"Tell me about them?" I asked. I didn't really know why, but I felt like if I knew the stories behind his scars, I would know more about him. Lakyn's arm fell across my back, half holding me, half just resting there. His fingers pushed at the short hair resting against the base of my neck. It took me a moment to realize he was fidgeting.
"Um, the ones on my biceps are for when I'm really stressed out or panicking. And uh, the ones on my thighs are, like, sometimes I feel numb. Like I'm detached from the world? It's really unsettling, and the skin there is tender, so, it pulls me back faster."
I didn't say anything. I didn't dare interrupt. His voice was steady, but his tone was low. He took a deep breath and continued, "My hips are for when I regret things because, if I think about stuff too much I can make myself physically sick. For days, even, if it's bad enough. And, um..."
He stalled, so I pressed with, "Your wrists." He didn't answer, and with a surge of courage and word vomit, I said, "are for when you don't want to live anymore?"
Lakyn let out a long, heavy sigh and didn't answer. But he didn't have to. I knew I was right. I knew it in ways that I never could have imagined when he'd first told me he'd try to kill himself.
His honesty was as frightening as it was refreshing.
"What does it feel like?" I asked, softly, running my fingers over the long, thin lines.
"Cutting?" Lakyn asked, and when I nodded he said, "I don't know. It's hard to explain. Like 'control,' kind of, like 'reality.' It feels like something is pushing right against the surface, and it hurts, and if you can just open that surface up and let it out, it'll be better."
"Is it better?" I asked, because I couldn't imagine that it was. I couldn't imagine putting myself through that kind of pain just because I needed it.
"No," Lakyn said. The word was heavy. "Maybe for a while, but then the pain comes back."
I tilted my head back so that I could look at him, and the questions about his body fell away. It didn't matter. Why he did it, or if it helped, because they were scars. Old, not fresh. Not there, not really.
What was there, however, was Lakyn's quickly bruising jaw. It was dark blue and angry. I raised my fingers and brushed them over the spot feather light. "Does it hurt?"
"Little bit," he said. "Probably should have iced it instead of, well, doing all this."
I chuckled, yawned, and traced Lakyn's bottom lip with my thumb. I didn't think I was ever going to forget the way he tasted. "Probably. Regrets?"
Lakyn thought about it for a moment, but shook his head. "No. No regrets."
"Good," I murmured. My voice was beginning to sound heavy with exhaustion. I'd exhelled a lot of energy, on much less sleep than my summer schedule allotted. "You can stay the night, if you want. My parents won't be home until tomorrow afternoon."
"Nah," Lakyn said. He ran his fingers through my hair again before using his grip to tug me off of him. "My uncle will come looking for me eventually."
I'd expected as much, so I didn't argue and let him up instead. Lakyn stretched out and I watched him, surprised when he leaned over for a kiss. "Try not to drink yourself to sleep tonight, okay?"
"No cuts, no drinks," I offered. It seemed fair enough. One bad habit for another.
"No cuts, no drinks," Lakyn agreed, and dragged himself out of the bed.
Neither of us bothered showering, but I went downstairs and made myself a cup of coffee in hopes of not falling asleep while driving him home. It didn't matter, because the little shit stole it on our way out of the house.
We didn't talk, but I didn't mind. I'd always hated silence, it stretched to far and gave way to secrets that were begging not to be let out. But with Lakyn, it was easy. Lakyn wasn't quiet because he was uncomfortable, or waiting for something. He was quiet because that was just who he was.
"See you tomorrow," he said, when we pulled up in front of his house. He was already on his way out.
Out of fear, or longing to keep him with me, or some new desperate word vomit, I said, "Eat lunch with us tomorrow. I know it's a lot of people, but please."
"Why do we always end up having this conversation?" Lakyn asked, more to himself than to me, before he raised his voice. "You don't want me there, Scott. You know you don't."
I hated it when he told me what I did or didn't want.
"Do you know what I did all day today?" I asked. "I thought about you. And how your day was going. And where you were. And I volunteered to pick up everyone's food so I could get away from you and breathe just for a little while, but all I could really think about was the fact that you could've been there with me, so--"
Lakyn's face was closing off. Getting darker, and suddenly I felt like a puppy that was annoying the shit out of him. I shut my mouth, cleared my throat, and looked away from him. "Post-sex talking."
"No it's not," Lakyn said. "But you're talking like someone who wants a boyfriend, Scott."
"Doesn't matter," I defended. "You don't do boyfriends."
"I don't do sex with my friends either and yet here we are," Lakyn said. I looked at him, eyes wide, realizing a line had been crossed, and Lakyn shrugged. "So, are we good, just doing what we're doing?"
My heart gave some stupid kind of leap. "Would you want more?"
"Would you want to come out?" Lakyn asked, and I winced at the very thought of it. I couldn't.
Lakyn sighed and sat back against the seat, no longer ready to run out of the jeep. "I'm not saying you have to. Come out when you're ready. But the second we label this as something important, it's going to come with boyfriend perks. And I... I could want those, with you. I could want to hold your hand in the hall and kiss you goodbye every day. I'm not even sure I'm ready for that, I don't date for a reason, but that's what happens. And I can admit that I could want it."
I thought about it. I thought about it hard. Holding his hand in the hallway every day, kissing him goodbye before we went home. I thought about him being mine. Being beside me all the time.
It hurt that I wanted it.
It hurt that I couldn't have it.
"Okay," I said. "But if we keep doing what we're doing?"
Lakyn shrugged. "Then it's just for fun. We're just friends who hang out and suck each other's dicks instead of playing video games."
I thought about playing video games with him. The teasing, the stolen kisses, the naughty cheating we would probably do. "We should play video games sometimes."
Lakyn laughed, and my heart leapt. "Refractory periods are a thing," he said.
I grinned. I couldn't help it. He was stupid and I loved it. "So, about school?"
"I'll hang out with you if you want me to. But you've got to be prepared to deal with the shit it gets you, Scott. Because, as we've just discussed, I can't hold your hand through it. That's a boyfriend perk, and we don't get those."
It wouldn't be that bad. People knew me. They wouldn't write me off as gay that quickly, even if Lakyn himself was. Even if Lakyn was ... Lakyn. I nodded, and he nodded, then finally got out of the jeep. "You okay?" he asked.
I smiled and nodded again, but something didn't feel quite right about it.
"No cuts," Lakyn said, sincerely.
"No drinks," I promised.