Daxson
If I had the choice, whoever invented those fucking contraptions would be killed on sight. The crutches got in the way when I tried to get out of the car, making it way more difficult than it should've been. I also hated the annoying clinking sound they made against the driveway, and how they rubbed my armpits raw. The idiot who decided to put cushioning at the top of the crutches could've at least made it comfortable. Soft too, maybe? But it wasn't. No matter how I fucking adjusted them it was like being poked with a cattle prod. My eyes wandered up the long side-walk leading to the front door of our house and a heavy sigh escaped my lips.
"Dax, do you need help?" Allyson's warm voice questioned as she came to my side after retrieving our bags from the car.
My jaw locked in response to her question. I knew she was asking the question because she cared, but it didn't make it any less irritating. Allyson had always asked a lot of questions, that was just part of who she was as a person, but since my injury I just had less patience to deal with the constant barrage. Every time she asked a question, it took all my will power to keep from responding with comment that came off too snarky.
"I know I'm hurt, but I'm not a baby," I grumbled under my breath without even looking at her as I started my long trek to the front door.
"No need to be rude," she called from behind me.
I rolled my eyes because I could've said something way more rude. She didn't even know that side of me.
With each hobbled step on the crutches, my knee started to throb more and more. Seriously, it was starting to hurt like a bitch. This could've been avoided if they'd given me more pain killers before discharging me from the hospital, but instead, they sent me on my way with a prescription that Allyson had filled at the pharmacy. It was obvious she had no idea what I was going through because she failed to give me anything to help with the pain. It didn't make sense to me, and maybe that contributed to some of my irritation with her. If she didn't give it to me soon, I'd have to find it on my own.
My attention shifted to keeping my right foot off the ground. Dr. Naguski told me to keep as much weight off my injured leg as I could. He had droned on and on about how he wanted it to fully heal before I started physical therapy next week. Honestly though, I took everything he said with a grain of salt because he also told me I'd never be able to play football again, but that wasn't going to happen. I was going to do whatever it took to get healthy enough to get back on the field. I wasn't giving up on my promise to my father. Everyone would see my name in the Hall of Fame one day. No matter what it took.
"You could've just said no," Allyson mumbled underneath her breath as she carried our bags up the stairs.
I watched her with a twinge of jealous surfacing inside me. She made everything look so effortless now that I was injured. A piece of wondered if that was how she felt when I was healthy and she was the clumsy one in the relationship. My eyes lingered on her as she unlocked the front door to the house. Her dark hair was folded into a messy bun on top of her head with little curly wisps hanging free and blowing in the breeze. The fitted t-shirt cling to her small frame, making her look a little thinner than normal. I hoped it was because she'd been eating less while we were in the hospital, but the thought of her purging again crossed my mind.
Bulimia had taken a toll on Allyson before I met her. More than I think she even understood, and I'd never want her to turn back to that. I'd been dealing with my own emotions recently, but that didn't mean I'd forgotten about hers, too. I still loved her and only wanted the best for her. She was part of my future, too, probably even more so than football because she was my future wife and the mother of my children.
She turned to look at me when I stopped at the bottom of the steps. Her eyes focused in on me which made my next task a little more daunting. I told her I didn't need help, so I better not let my words come back to bite me. A sharp breath escaped my lips.
Come on, Daxson. You've got this. Just four steps.
I placed the crutches on the first step and leaned forward, using my entire body weight to jump onto the first step.
One down. Three more to go. I've got this.
I repeated my previous motion and hopped up onto the second step, but by this time, my armpits were aching from the pressure of the crutches. I took a few deep breaths before getting in position to conquer the next step. As I started to jump to the third step, my right foot caught the concrete which sent an aching pain racing through my entire leg. I stumbled and crashed to the steps, catching myself with my hand as the crutches clattered to the ground, sliding all the way down to the bottom step.
"Dax!" Allyson called, dropping the bags by the door and hurrying to me. "Are you okay?"
I managed a stiff nod. "I'm fine."
Shifting my weight to alleviate the pain, I readjusted my leg and leaned my head back to stare up at the sky. The anger pulsed through me like rushing water from an opened the dam. My head spun because all I wanted to do was rip God limb from limb, to make him hurt like I had for all these years. If he was really there all the time, what the hell was he doing? It was almost like my life was a game for him to watch. It hurt to know that my father loved God so much yet He had done nothing for him. He raised me to trust in Him and to believe in His plan, but with each year that passed, it became more difficult to do.
"Just a little set back." I sighed and tilted my head to finally look at Allyson, trying to hide the frustration in my eyes.
She had silently gathered my crutches and placed them behind us before taking a seat beside me. "You're so hard-headed," she whispered, leaning her head into her hands.
"What do you mean?" I couldn't help but stare into her eyes that always reminded me of small tidal pools.
She rolled her eyes as if unamused by my question. "You know exactly what I mean."
I continued to study her face, taking in the dark circles that made their home beneath her eyes.
"You're refusing to let me help you. I mean, I understand you want to do it on your own. I totally get it. I felt that way when I had to overcome my bulimia, but it really makes everything better if you accept help." Her small hand touched my arm. "Please let me help you like you helped me, Dax."
I forced out a hard breath and pulled my arm from beneath her hand. The conversation had become serious so easily.
"Ally, this is a different situation. This truly is something that I'm going to have to get through on my own. That doesn't mean I don't love you... I just know what it's going to take," I pleaded with her to understand.
"I thought we were a team," She whispered, pulling her knees to her chest and staring out into the front yard.
"We're a team. A pretty damn good one." I followed her eyes out into the yard before looking back at her with a tight-lipped smile. "We're like... We're like Misty-May and Keri Walsh."
Her head snapped in my direction and she met my smile with her own. "That was a pretty good comparison. They dominated the Olympic circuit for years."
"Exactly." I reached out to take her hand in mine. "I love you, Ally. Nothing in this world will ever change that, but I need you to understand that what I'm dealing with... It's something you're not going to be able to solve. You aren't going to be able to take away my injury, and you're definitely not going to be able to bring my father back or uphold the promises I made to him. So, just let me process those things on my own."
"You know you can make your father proud in different ways. You don't have to play football to be his son," her soft voice filled with reason echoed in my ears.
My eyes turned to the yard again. She didn't get it. I knew I didn't have to play football to be his son. I wanted to play football to honor his memory. It was important for me to do something he never got to do. Just like it was important for me to start the Jacie Memorial Scholarship to honor Jacie's memory. It was something I felt compelled to do to honor the life of someone who, because of me, didn't get to live their dreams. It was the least I could do.
"Like I said, Ally. It's something you're not going to understand." I reached behind me to grab my crutches and forced myself to stand. "You just have to accept that."
"Fine." She paused for a second before standing and folding her arms across her chest. "But I'm going to be right here with you the entire time."
I couldn't help but chuckle. It would be different dealing with all my emotions because I would have her by my side. I had to remind myself I wasn't alone anymore. It was important for me to learn that I didn't need to push her away.
"I think I can handle that." I offered her a smile, hoping to ease some of her worries.
I placed my crutches on the third step and pushed myself up onto it.
"You've got this." She stepped to the next step with me.
Her words made me feel good, much better than I'd been feeling the past couple of days. I moved my crutches to the last step and pushed myself up it with ease as well.
Allyson picked up our bags from where she'd dropped them by the door and headed inside. I followed her as fast as I could hop, eager to climb into the bed and not move for a couple of hours. The only distraction I had was the growling of my stomach.
"Are you hungry or anything? We could totally get some Chinese food delivered," I offered, following her into the bedroom.
Allyson laughed as she dropped our bags from her shoulders and onto the tile floor with a thud. "That's always been your favorite." She let her dark curls fall from her bun and frame her face.
I shrugged my shoulders and sank down into the bed, letting the crutches clatter to the floor. "I mean, the flavors are impeccable. Plus, who doesn't love fried rice?"
Allyson tucked her hair behind her ears and made her way over to curl up beside me in the bed. "You know, Caleb loves Chinese food, too. When he was little he would always call fried rice 'fried lice.' Of course, Momma would always be embarrassed, but I thought it was funny."
I chuckled. There was nothing I loved more than hearing her happy memories of Caleb. She loved that boy more than I think she will ever love me. It always reminded me of the love I had for my siblings, and it was something that drew me to her.
"Caleb has a way of never making life boring," I teased, wrapping my arm around her waist and pulling her against my side.
She snuggled into my side and let out a satisfied sigh. "You've got that right."
A quietness settled over us with only the sounds of our breathing filling the air. Allyson's hand moved around my middle, warm and soft. In seconds her body moulded to my own, sharing her body heat as easily as she shared her heart and soul with me. After losing Jacie, I thought I'd never be able to let another person close to me. It would be impossible for my heart to love so fully again, but Allyson was different. There was a purity to her, naivety perhaps, but she was the only woman I could trust. It was like she was my quarterback when it came to calling plays in my life. We worked as a team, I needed her and she needed me. It was almost like I was sugar in her hand at this point.
She tilted her chin to peek up at me and ran her fingers across my beard. "It looks like you're thinking about something... Are you okay?"
I glanced at her and nodded. "I'm just thinking about how far I've come in healing from my past, and how much you've contributed to that."
"I'm happy to see my old Daxson is back," she whispered.
"I'm sorry for pushing you away, Ally. I was alone for so long that it was the only way I knew how to cope." I sighed and turned my attention back to ceiling.
She didn't say anything else, instead, just dropped her hand to rub my chest in a soothing motion. "Do I need to get you a pillow or something to prop your leg up?"
I shook my head and settled back into the pillows, closing my eyes. "Nah, I'll be okay, babygirl, but I could use some of those pain meds."
She sat up in the bed, forcing me to open my eyes. "Dax, I'm worried about you and the pain meds. You've told me about your cousins suffering from addiction, and I know it's genetic."
"Ty and Michael were different, Ally. They got into the hard stuff on the streets. They were doing drugs just to do drugs. I'm using them for a reason." I motioned to my knee.
She played with her fingers in her lap. "I know that, but the ones they prescribed you are really, really strong."
"Are you saying you don't trust Dr. Naguski?" I raised an eyebrow.
I figured with her being in the medical field herself, she'd be the one saying 'follow the doctor's orders.'
"I do, but I also know the opioid epidemic is real. There are crooked people out there, still looking to make a dollar off of people's addiction." The concern was swimming in her eyes.
"It won't happen to me, Ally. I've got you to help me, and I've got a future to protect. I just need them to get through the hard days." I squeezed her hand assuringly.
She nodded which caused her hand to create a curtain between us. I reached to brush it back behind her ears so our eyes could meet.
"You seem really invested in this."
A sad smile tugged onto her lips. "While I've been in school, we've learned a lot about the opioid crisis. I've seen first-hand how it's affecting people's lives. It's truly devastating if you look at the number of deaths and the amount of people still suffering."
"Nobody deserves to suffer," I added.
"Exactly. I've always been interested in helping underserved communities, and sadly that's where the problem runs rampant. No one seems to care about those people which is what I want to change, so I've started working on a project to help battle the epidemic in some lower-income communities in Massachusetts. I call it "The Clean Slate' project. It's basically a program to educate doctors and patients on safe opioid practices, provides treatments for recovering addicts, and is a safe place to get clean needles. It's still in the works, but I think it'll do great things." She glanced over at me.
There were so many things I loved about her. Fuck, the list is endless, but it's how big her heart is that I loved most. She refused to see the bad in people despite the environment she grew up in.
"I'm proud of you, Ally. We need more people like you trying to make a difference in the world." I rubbed my hand along her thigh before giving it a soft squeeze.
"Yeah, if there were more people like me out there we'd probably have clean oceans and healthy rainforests," she joked, crawling from the bed.
She bent down to dig through her bag. While her attention wasn't on me, I angled myself on the bed and stretched out to hook my finger through one of the belt loops on her jeans. She giggled and stumbled back over by me when I pulled her closer to the bed.
"Dax, stop!" She squealed, trying time pull away from me.
It brought me joy to see her smile on her face again. I felt like it had been hard to come by since I'd gotten hurt. Probably, mostly my fault.
"You were too far away,"I mumbled into her side as I buried my face into her shirt that fit around her waist.
"Oh, whatever. Here," she said, dumping a few pills from my bottles into her hand before tossing them back into her opened bag.
I held my hand out and she dropped the tablets into my palm.
"If you can stand to be away from me for a few minutes, I'll grab you some water and order the food." She raised an eyebrow with a teasing smirk on her face.
"Fine, but hurry back. I've got to make up for all the times I was an asshole this past week." I released her from my hold and smiled, settling back into the bed.
Allyson shook her head in what appeared to be amusement and hurried from the room. I remained silent as I listened to her footsteps fade into the distance. My eyes flickered down to the pills she'd put into my hand, analyzing them closely.
She'd only given me one of the Oxycontin and two of the anti-inflammatories. I knew she was worried about the whole addiction thing, and I was too at first, but I hated being in pain. It wouldn't hurt me to take two painkillers. What Ally didn't know, wouldn't hurt her. I rolled out of the bed and hopped on one leg over to her bag, searching for the prescription bottles among her clothes.
The bottles made noise when they moved, so as quietly as I could, I dumped another Oxy into my hand and hobbled back to the bed. After a few more seconds of not hearing her, I tossed the extra pain pill into my mouth and dry swallowed it.
It'd take a while for it to kick in, but I felt immense comfort in knowing that the pain would go away soon. It was all a mental game. I closed my eyes and relaxed back into the bed.
"Dax!" Allyson's scream broke the silence.
I jolted up in the bed. "Ally, what's wrong?" I yelled in response.
There wasn't an answer.
Dread crept down my spine like a careful spider leaving a trail of silk. Why wasn't she answering?
"Ally!" I yelled again, expecting a response this time.
Only silence filled the house.
My jaw locked as I forced myself from the bed, grabbing my crutches off the floor. A slow controlled breath escaped my lips in an attempt to loosen my body movements. I hopped my way into the kitchen as fast as I could despite the aching of my knee, but froze when I saw Ally staring at something on the kitchen counter.
"Ally, what the fuck? I've been calling your name. You scared the shit out of me." I moved over closer to her.
She looked up at me with fear weaved into her features. "What the hell is this?" She asked, holding up a piece of paper with writing scribbled on it.
I shrugged. "An old grocery list?"
She shook her head and held the paper out to me. "No, Dax. This is serious."
I raised an eyebrow as I stopped beside her, resting my crutches against the marble counter-top. Allyson wrapped her arms around herself after passing the note off to me. Her silence was unnerving. She was really freaked out over this. I touched my right foot to the floor to steady myself and winced at the aching pain in my leg. It'd be nice if that OxyContin would kick in. My eyes flickered to the note scribbled in ugly handwriting, and I was totally unprepared for what it said.
You didn't learn the first time. You didn't die the second time. The third time, I'll enjoy making your life a living hell.
H.C.K.