A/N : switching back to Elisse.
Paul's photo above as Elisse remembers him from that first day :)
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I never knew.
It was weird because I had lived through the same moments that Paul was recalling, but I remember them differently.
I was so stupid. My mother was right.
How did I not realize that Paul loved me? That he had since the beginning?
He had been beside me all the time, had stayed even if I kept pushing him away. He was the one who always tried to make me laugh when I was down, the one who lifted up my spirits whenever I was dead tired.
And all that time I thought we were just friends. Yes, I knew that we had chemistry. It was undeniable, even the people around us could sense it.
But I always chalked it off to attraction. At most, I thought it was a crush that we both had no intention of pursuing.
How could I have been so blind?
Even when he reacted strongly to Ray, I never even thought of asking him. I was stupid and I had hurt him so much, over and over, for so many years.
A sob broke out and I hugged him tightly, wishing with all my heart that it could erase all the pain that I've caused. But I knew that it wasn't enough.
"I'm sorry," I whispered in his ear.
He stiffened and was quiet for so long that I took a step back to look at him.
"What's wrong?"
He stayed silent for a few more seconds, staring at me intently, before he finally replied.
"What are you apologizing for?"
"For everything! For hurting you. For not realizing how you felt. I never knew! I'm so, so sorry..."
"Elisse," he paused and took a deep breath before continuing. "You don't have to apologize. It was a choice you made, it was your right, and I don't blame you. Not one bit. I did all that to myself. If anyone's to blame, it should be me."
"Paul..." I tried to speak but I suddenly broke down, tears falling freely now like a dam had broken and I didn't have the power to stop it.
He hugged me back and gently squeezed my arms, comforting me quietly with his presence until the tears stopped.
"I... I told myself it was only a crush, you know? I convinced myself so well I even started to believe it."
I looked at him guiltily, willing him to understand the decisions I had made in my youth.
"It's okay, Elisse. I already told you, I don't blame you. You don't have to explain."
"No... I want you to understand why. That's the only way I can forgive myself," I begged him, and he finally nodded, urging me to continue.
"It's because I had this stupid, naive idea in my head of what my future would be. And I visualized my husband to be the serious, responsible type. Someone who I can confide in, who I can lean on. Someone stable."
I looked at him and smiled sadly.
"Someone who was not like you. Because you always seemed to be joking around. You never took me seriously, I thought you weren't the type to settle down. And you had so many different girls around you every day, I didn't think you'd be content with just one."
"What? What are you talking about? I never dated when we were at the station."
"Oh I know you never had a serious relationship. But you had girls surrounding you all the time, so I thought maybe you didn't want to be in any relationship at all."
He sighed in resignation.
"I don't even remember a single name or the face of any of those girls. Why didn't you ask me?"
"Because it was none of my business," I replied quietly. "And I understood the attraction. I mean, I had to consciously stop myself from falling for you."
His eyes grew large and his mouth practically hung open in surprise.
"You were falling for me?"
I nodded slowly.
"I think I may have from the start. I thought at the time that I was just annoyed because you were always teasing me. But experience has taught me - and my mom just recently pointed it out - that I don't react like that to anybody else. Just you."
"But why did you not want it to happen? What did I do wrong?"
He was genuinely confused. I don't blame him. Looking back now, it doesn't make sense to me either.
"Because you looked like a player from the first day I met you. And I didn't want to get my heart broken."