Author's note: Words can't even explain how my heart bounced in joy when I got to see some Michaeng moment in the new video. Anyway guys, please stream #FEELSPECIAL
Chicago would be our last stop. I never imagine that I could step into this city. I mean, my father loves Chicago, the band. A big fan of them since he was young, I listen to them since I was a little, now I am here, in the city where they use as their band name.
I know that I will love Chicago the minute I landed. The windy city. The air was nice, that time, not too hot, not too cold. Just perfect. We go straight to the venue, we have morning rehearsals, so that we could spend the night for free times in this new city. This would be our last stop in the U.S, we would do our best once again. For our fans.
At dinner time we went to a restaurant near our hotel. Our hotel located near the Chicago River. It's so beautiful. We have dinner by the river. Us 8 with our managers and staff. I love the mood here. It's windy but somehow bearable. The whole mood for the past 2 weeks in the US kinda down to me. I don't know why, but to think that we are leaving the U.S real soon also sad. I like it here. I always like it here.
Going to America was my dream since I was a little. That's why I am so confused why do I feel under the weather in the past 2 weeks.
I am happy but I am not, I am smiling, but I not, I am content but I am not.
I am calm, but no, I am restless.
I love it here, but I don't wanna be here.
I want to be wherever you are.
The night still young. It's just 8 pm. The managers ordered us to go back to the hotels. But we the rebels, of course, doesn't want to go back that fast. Nayeon Unnie, Momo Unnie, and Dahyun Unnie go for an ice cream parlor. Jihyo Unnie, Sana Unnie, and Tzuyu want to visit Navy Pier and riding the ferries wheel. I believe the manager also has a plan to drink.
"I just wanna take a walk around the river and head back, you all go do your things," I said.
Nayeon Unnie looks at me and nods "Alright then. Unnie, Oppa, we would be back at 10 pm tops, okay?"
The managers can't even say a word when it comes to Nayeon Unnie's aegyo.
"Just don't take the kids to drink, Nayeon-ah" Manager Unnie said.
"No, I won't! Let's go!"
"I'll walk with you then, I want to go straight to the hotel as well" Jeongyeon Unnie them smiles at me.
All of them go separately in groups.
We walk around the river through Chicago Riverwalk. Our hotel just across the river, 15-20 minutes walking distance. The walk is quiet, mostly because I don't really want to talk.
"Chaeyoung-ah, should I buy beer, for us? We could drink there, facing the river, it would be nice"
Jeongyeon Unnie suggested it.
Beer would be nice, in a time like this. And it won't make us drunk as well.
I nod to her. Jeongyeon Unnie then goes to the restaurant by the river walk and purchase 2 beer cans for us.
We walk about 200 meters and found a perfect place to sit. People are sitting there as well, at the stairs, facing the river.
Jeongyeon Unnie sits one level above me. We open the can and do the light toast.
We sip the beer.
"Aaaaaaah, it's so refreshing isn't it?"
Indeed it is. I smile and nod to her.
"How do you feel about the U.S, Chaeyoung? You always wanted to be here"
"I do, it was nice, finally we came to new cities this time"
"Our Once are all amazing, right? I mean, wow every time I look at them, it was so wow"
Jeongyeon Unnie is speechless.
"It's amazing Unnie, really. We are all also amazing" I laugh while looking at her.
The conversation goes quiet. We're both just staring at the river.
"Chaeyoung-ah, it's only the two of us, you can't wear that smile on me"
Jeongyeon Unnie shot the sentence. It was short but cuts me to the bone.
I look at my beer, can't even hold my head straight to the river. A single tear down to the floor. I gulp too many times, holding back my tears.
Jeongyeon Unnie takes a deep breath and moves to the same level as mine, she put down my beer and just hug me. Deep to her embrace.
The moment she hugs me, the moment I am losing it.
I am crying.
Badly, terribly, extremely, awfully.
I don't know how and I don't know why I can't stop these tears.
Jeongyeon Unnie patting my back over and over again.
"Who says that you have to be strong all the time, Chaeyoung-ah? Who says that you don't get to cry whenever you feel too? No one, no one told you to do that. Why are you always hiding your emotions to us"
I just don't wanna show it. Our members have their own struggle, I am not good at showing my emotion as well. People always look at me as a tough Chaeyoung, especially my members, I rarely shed tears in front of them.
"You can't be like this, you have me, you have all of us"
"I should've known, Jeongyeon Unnie. If only I paid attention a little more, If only..............."
"Chaeyoung-ah stop blaming yourself. This isn't your fault for not noticing, this isnt"
"Unnie, she's in pain, the past months, she's in pain, we talked a lot about everything and I didn't know that she's in pain, Unnie............."
I can only continue crying.
Deep down inside I blame myself, I really hate myself right now.
People look at me as rebel, stubborn, indifferent, in my own world, but to be honest, I am so fragile. There I admit it.
"I can't see her hurting Unnie, I want her to be always happy Unnie, I don't want her to be sick, I don't want her to experience any of this. Stage fright? She loves being on stage, it's her dream we all know that. She's a hard worker, why does this happen to her, why?"
"Chaeyoung-ah, don't. Don't feel like you know her inside out, don't. We're all humans, we do that, there are some secrets that are bound to keep it by ourselves. Mina is an adult, I believe she handled things maturely"
Jeongyeon Unnie then pushes away my body and placing both her hands on my shoulders.
"Look at me Chaeyoung-ah"
I look at her while calming myself down.
Jeongyeon Unnie look into my eyes, she wants to tell me something, but she takes a deep breath first as well. She studies my face, yes nom I am so fragile in front of her.
"Chaeyoung-ah, do you love her?"
The question suddenly pops at me, shoot me like a bullet piercing my weak heart.
Do I love her?
"Not as an Unnie, her as Myoi Mina" Jeongyeon Unnie continued.
My lips are trembling, I look Jeongyeon Unnie in the eyes as if that I would find the answer there.
Do I love her?
It's the question that I've been asked myself every day for the past 2 years.
I close my eyes, my head falls down.
So, this is it, the answer. I kept thinking and thinking for the past 2 years, I've been questioning, why do I feel like this. There's some unexplainable feeling towards Mina Unnie that I can't explain.
And I never dare to put the words "love" at it.
But, I give her my nod.
It is love, it is. Now I can see that clearly.
I use my hand to cover my eyes, I can't face Jeongyeon Unnie now.
"This is so stupid, Unnie. So fucking stupid" I confessed.
"YA, there's nothing stupid about this"
I shook my head "No, I shouldn't..............."
"Chaeyoung-ah, you can't undo that feeling. Whenever you denied it, you'll hurt even more, so just embrace it. I am so glad that you finally admit it, not to me, but to yourself"
I take a deep breath. Why do I feel relieved that I could put a label on this feeling?
"I get it now, you're hurting because she's hurting, you want to do something, but you're helpless. I get it why are you feeling like this, Chaeyoung-ah. You really miss her"
"But first, I want you to be more honest to yourself in order to help her"
I can only stare at Jeongyeon Unnie. She then grabs my hands.
"You love her. Remember that when you love her, you want the best for her. When you already accept your feeling for her, you can be honest with yourself. I believe when you realize that you love her, you will do everything sincerely and she'll feel that. She will feel your honest feeling, that how she would open up to you. That's how you make her get better. This is mental health we're talking about, there's no time limit, it's a working progress. The question is, are you willing to do that for someone you love, then?"
"As long as she's happy, I am happy, Unnie and I am sincerely grateful when she's happy"
I don't want anything right now, I only want her to be happy, to do everything she likes, I want her to be a happy Mina again.
"I don't want to see her struggling, my heart can't take it.............."
"I know, I know Chaeyoung-ah"
Jeongyeon Unnie rubs my hand, and look at me.
"Just remember, you don't have to go through this alone. You have to be there for Mina, and we will be there for you, we're not going anywhere Chaeyoung-ah, don't hesitate to show your emotion to us"
I nod to Jeongyeon Unnie.
"Thank you, Unnie, Thanks for everything, for always watching my back"
Jeongyeon then taps my back and goes for hugging me again.
"You're my sister, Chaeyoung, don't forget about that. You can talk to me"
"Really, thanks"
Jeongyeon Unnie looks at me again. She smiles at me.
"And if you are not hesitating, if you are sure that you want to help her, make a move, Chaeyoung-ah"
"What do you mean?"
I look at Jeongyeon Unnie confusedly.
"Make an effort, call her or something, talk to her"
"But we are ordered not to............."
"Trust your heart, Chaeyoung-ah, let her feels warm inside your sincere heart"
The last sentence of Jeongyeon Unnie keeps ringing inside my head.
Call her.
Do something.
Here, in my hotel room, it's 10:20.
I am not sure that Mina would pick it up. She's home, she tends to sleep at this hour.
Hell, I am not sure what am I doing right now.
But I love her.
That's for sure.
Glad that I could finally admit it, it gives me butterflies.
I open my contact book and found her name.
I close my eyes, this is too terrifying.
I press the call button. I slowly press my phone to my ear.
It's ringing. Oh, I am so nervous. OH I AM SO NERVOUS
One ring.
Two rings.
Three rings.
Four rings.
Shit maybe this is not a good idea at all.
Stupid me.
I am about to press the end button but then the clock is ticking on the screen.
SHE PICKS IT UP.
But there's no sound from the other side.
I gulp a big time.
"Mina Unnie?" I said it softly.
I could hear a breathing sound.
"You don't have to say a thing, just listen to me," I said again.
I warm up my voice. I put the phone on the speaker mode.
When all the tears are rolling down your face
And it feels like yours was the only heart to break
When you come back home and all the lights are out,
And you're getting used to no one else being around
Oh, oh, I'll be there
When you need a little love, I got a little love to share
Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna come through
You'll never be alone, I'll be there for you
I'll be there, I'll be there for you
I'll be there, I'll be there for you
Oh, I swear, I got enough love for two,
You'll never be alone, I'll be there for you
I check my phone, she's still there. She's listening. This is something that I want to tell her the most, that I will always be there for her no matter what. She might think I am a crazy person, sing a song to a person on the other side of this world. But I don't care, if you know me Myoi Mina, I don't care. This is what I want you to know, I'm here for you.
When it's Friday night and the drink don't work the same
You're alone with yourself and there's no one else to blame
When you still can't feel the rhythm of your heart
And you see your spirit fading in the dark
Oh, oh, I'll be there
When you need a little love, I got a little love to share
Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna come through
You'll never be alone, I'll be there for you
I'll be there, I'll be there for you
I'll be there, I'll be there for you
Oh, I swear, I got enough love for two
You'll never be alone, I'll be there for you
I am singing from the bottom of my heart, from the bottom of my lungs as well, I hope the other rooms won't make a complaint. I feel utter joy in my stomach when I could actually sing this song for her. Suddenly all of my worries just gone.
When you're lost down the river bed, I'll be there
When you're lost in the darkness, I'll be there
I'll be there when your heart is breaking
You'll never be alone, I'll be there for you
I'll be there
I'll be there, I'll be there for you
I'll be there, I'll be there for you
Oh, I swear, I got enough love for two
You'll never be alone, I'll be there for you
Oh, I swear, I got enough love for two
You'll never be alone, I'll be there for you
I take a deep breath, I am tired of singing alone without a companion. She's still on the other side.
"Thanks for listening, Unnie. I love you Mina Unnie, you could hang up now"
It's not a confession. It's something that I want her to know.
2 seconds later, I see that she ends our call.
It was actually an impromptu performance, I don't know what I was going to say to her, I am not even sure she picks it up. It'd be better that I tell her my messages through a song. Somehow I feel relieved, I feel happy that I could convey the message to her.
It was sincere, from me. And I hope she could feel it.
Jeongyeon Unnie was right, it feels lighter when I admit to myself first that I love her. I am sincerely in love with her, and I want nothing more. I only want her to be happy, that's it. And I am going to make sure that she feels that happiness again.
Thank you, Jeongyeon Unnie.
***
The last concert in America was a blast! I didn't expect that many come to see our concert. Our first tour in America indeed was full of surprises. I was bitter to end the concert, I mean wow. We finally completed a tour of North America! 4 cities! I can't help but feel proud of myself and my members. Back at the hotel, we're having dinner in the hotel restaurant. The hotel was so nice, we're so lucky that we got to enjoy it here.
"Let's toast!"
Jihyo Unnie leads the toast, everyone's is raising their glass.
"TWICELIGHTS!" Jihyo Unnie shouted
"GAJJA!" We all are replying to her.
We clink our glass to each other. Jeongyeon Unnie is in front of me, she smiles widely at me and raises her glass to me. I reply to her gesture.
We drink and celebrate our success here. The managers look so happy, the staff as well, also my members. I am so happy looking at them being happy. I send all my worries to God already, let Him do the rest. I now feel content, thank God.
At our group chat, Tzuyu suggested that we should sneak out to enjoy our last day here. We all then pretend to go back to our room.
I waited for half an hour, Tzuyu must be passed out already, Dahyun Unnie too I believe. I don't have a choice just to sit here and enjoy my hotel room while I can. We all a little bit drunk and also tired.
Oh, I noticed that Jeongyeon Unnie turn the Vlive on, Momo Unnie is there as well. I want to join them but then I yawn, I look at my phone while laying on my bed. Jeongyeon Unnie is crazy, she turned the Vlive without telling the managers. I can only laugh, Jeongyeon Unnie and her things. I look up at my laptop, I haven't shut it down yet.
I sit and hold my computer on my lap.
I decided to open my mail.
Perhaps send her other messages.
From: strawberryprincess0423@gmail.com
To: minagreen_0324@gmail.com
Cc :
Bcc :
Subject: My mind, I took it to Chicago
Dear Mina Unnie,
I believe that it is the end of our tour in North America. Chicago was lovely. I wish that I could visit the city again anytime soon. I hope that you could join me then. You should see the Chicago River by yourself, it's so beautiful and so peaceful. I might stroll around early in the morning to find a breakfast place for myself. We are drunk a little bit now after celebrating our last stop.
We will fly to Seoul again tommorrow at noon. It's gonna be a long long flight, I shouldn't be sleeping right now to adjust the time difference, but I am so tired. The Unnies are doing vlive right now, I always admire their energy, we the maknaes were always sleeping, aren't we?
I will go to my family house soon I touch down Seoul. Oh, by the way, we have a schedule in Japan next week! The hi-touch event! I am so excited to greet the japan fans.
Anyway, thanks for picking up my phone Unnie. Thanks for not hanging up on me. Thanks for bearing my voice for almost 3 minutes more. I really hope you feel what I feel.
Be healthy always :)
Regards,
Strawberryprincess.
I am totally sleepy now. I don't care. I need to sleep. Oh, it's 1 in the morning. No wonder that I yawn a lot.
Goodnight Chicago,
Good afternoon Minari.
*Music credit: Jess Glynne - I'll Be There