"I'm sorry about New Year's Eve."
Junnie and I are chatting over coffee at Holly's Cafe.
"I didn't know Jaemin would be there." She looks ruefully at me.
I smile.
"It's fine," I say lightly. "It's a small world. We were bound to run into each other sooner or later."
I take a sip of my latte.
"Mina," she leans forward, her brow creased. "I need to tell you something." She takes a breath, and continues, "I've been kind of debating whether to tell you or not..."
I put down my cup of coffee. "About what?"
"Jaemin."
My heart starts to pound.
"What about Jaemin?"
"He's divorced..."
There is a roaring in my head, so loud it muffles out the rest of her words. I draw in a shaky breath to hear her say, "...two years ago...didn't want to upset you...Leean..."
"What?" I say faintly.
"You and Leean. You were in a good place. Finally. I didn't want you to go through all that - that trouble... ," her mouth tightens, "again."
All that trouble.
My world shattering as Jaemin said "I do." My eyes leaking while Junnie and Leean hid me in their arms. My shame when wedding guests rubbed my back, smiling, murmuring how sweet it was that I was so emotional over my childhood friend's big day. The countless mornings I had had to force myself out of bed when I had wanted to cry myself back to sleep. All the times Junnie had dragged me out to meet people when I would have preferred to be alone with my pain. Five years' worth of holidays I had spent without my family. Five years of pain, frozen at a moment at eighteen, watching the love of my life's wedding to another woman.
"Mina," she peers into my face, and her eyes cloud over with shock and sympathy. "You - Jaemin - don't tell me you still - still - " Her voice trails off.
"I still love him?" I laugh, a harsh sound, ending with a sob. "Pathetic, aren't I?"
"Mina, sweetie," her eyes are very sad. "I thought you and Leean - "
"He's a good guy, but..."
"But he's not Jaemin?"
"No." It is a mere whisper, but it is enough to make her eyes well up.
She stretches out her hands, and squeezes mine tightly.
"Mina," she says earnestly, "listen to me. He's divorced, but he's seeing someone...at least, that's what I heard from Jerry."
"Oh." Why am I not even surprised?
"But here's the thing." She is frowning. "Jaemin - he - he keeps asking about you. He hangs out with Jerry sometimes - you know Jerry's a pharmacist at Jaemin's hospital - and these hangouts, drinks and meals, well, they were always initiated by Jaemin...it's kind of weird, because he never really knew Jerry, not that well, anyway, and after a while, it just seemed to me and Jerry that he was hanging out with Jerry because he - he wanted to find out stuff about you..."
"Stalking me, you mean?" I want to laugh suddenly, at the thought of Jaemin the Stalker. But at the same time, I feel a surge of pure joy. It makes me sick how thrilled I feel, and I gulp down my entire cup of latte to dull my foolishness.
"Yes. He's not over you, obviously." She sighs. "And you're not over him." She shifts in her seat. "Look, I think you two need to sit down, and talk. You can't just avoid each other. You're adults, for crying out loud. You're not in high school anymore. Meet him, sit down, and thrash out all your issues, like two logical, intelligent adults."
I chew my lip nervously.
"I don't - "
"Leave it to me." Her eyes are gleaming. She looks like the Junnie of old, brimming with barely suppressed excitement. "Aunty Junnie will arrange it all. A reunion for old friends. I'll get Jerry to make sure he's there. And midway through, we'll make an excuse, and just leave, and the two of you can carry on." Her eyes are sparkling. She's still a romantic. Becoming an educational consultant hasn't changed her a bit.
"I don't know, I'm not sure if this is a good idea..."
"Hey, Kim Mina," she looks at me, her eyes serious, "The Kim Mina I knew in high school wasn't a coward. She was a really, really brave person, and it wasn't her fault that she got the raw end of the deal. She deserves a break. God knows, she's earned it." There are tears in her eyes. "Talk to him. He owes it to you to listen. And then you decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. You're an amazing person, Mina. You've been through a shitload of stuff, and look at you. You're here, and you're strong. You're tough, sweetie. You're a survivor, and I want you to know that I'm so damn proud of you. I'm so damn proud you are my friend."
We're crying.
We hug each other tightly.
"I love you, Junnie." I'm crying so hard that my shoulders shake, but she just folds me in, hugs me into her love, her warmth. "Thank you. Thank you for everything."
"I love you, Mina." Her cheeks are damp. "And if he screws you up again, he'll have me to deal with. Nobody messes with my best friend. Not anymore."
I'm late.
Junnie said her party would start at 8.00 pm.
It's almost 9.00 pm when I press the doorbell.
"I'm so sorry," I gasp. "The Uber showed up really, really late, and then there was a massive jam on the highway."
"Sweetie, you've got other things to worry about." She hisses into my ear, "He's here." My heart starts to pound. "He's got some girl with him." She looks pissed off. "What the heck is he thinking? Jerry distinctly said you were coming..."
He doesn't want to be with me. He's moved on. He brought a girl with him to show me that he's moved on. What was I thinking, agreeing to Junnie's crazy plan? A wave of humiliation sweeps over me. I am almost tempted to mumble an excuse, and turn back the way I came. But then Jerry appears in the doorway, and yells, fake-cheerily, "Well, well, well, look who's here. It's Mina!" And Junnie is dragging me by my elbow, and pushing me into the house, and I'm in the doorway, and there he is, staring right at me.
He's sitting next to a very pretty girl with glossy long hair and big eyes.
He stares at me for a few seconds before getting up off the sofa and standing up straight.
"Mina," he says. Every part of me clenches, just hearing him say my name. I almost pretend I don't hear him just so he'll have to say my name again. There's no smile, though. Perhaps the new Jaemin doesn't smile anymore.
"Hello." The girl has appeared at his elbow. "I'm Dahee."
"Hello." I smile. "I'm Mina. Nice to meet you." I don't really care who she is. Vaguely I register that she's with him. But it's hard to notice her when I am so aware of him, of his presence. His presence becomes everything.
He steps back, and sits down. She sits next to him, tugging her green skirt. Jerry is making lame jokes, while Junnie is desperately serving iced lemonade. She has gone to pieces. This was not part of her plan. Her plan was a cozy foursome, she and Jerry, me and Jaemin. But now there is a fifth person, a strange girl, who sits close to him, her thigh pressing lightly against his. I look away. I take a sip of my lemonade. Who serves iced lemonade on a freezing wintry night? Only Junnie, talking wildly and frenziedly about traffic jams and the hours we waste in jams.
I look up from my glass, and he's fiddling with his phone, and he's looking at me.
He keeps his eyes locked with mine. It makes me a little uncomfortable and excited, since his new girlfriend with her thigh pressed next to his is sitting only a whisper of a breath away. Jaemin doesn't seem to care, though. He's ignoring the conversation, and the rest of us, preoccupied with his phone. He finally breaks his stare and concentrates on his phone.
I take the opportunity to study him. He appears contradictory tonight. The strength in his bone structure contrasts with the soft sensitive curve of his lips. The vulnerable sweep of his eyelashes is at odds with the harshness in his features and the hardness of his jaw. His hair can't decide if it wants to be brown or blond or wavy or straight.
His personality flips between inviting and indifferent, hot and cold. His eyes can't decide if they want to look at his phone or at me, because they waver back and forth several times before I stop staring at him, exhausted with his ambivalence.
"Mina, I hear you're a lawyer." Dahee is talking to me; she has dimples, she and Jaemin will have beautiful babies.
"Yes," I smile. It's a good smile, perfectly relaxed. "What about you?"
"I'm a pharmacist at Jaemin's hospital." The world is full of pharmacists. She's blushing. She's embarrassed, but possessive; she touches his thigh, a lingering brush of slender fingers. Mine, she's telling me. He's mine. I want to throw up. "Are you engaged?" She is looking at the ring on my finger. She is smiling, but her eyes are cautious. For some reason, she is afraid of me.
"Oh, no." I laugh lightly. "This is just something I slipped on for fun. I - do have someone - special, though..." I hear an agonized intake of breath from Junnie.
Dahee is delighted.
"Oh, my." She has become my new best friend. Her eyes are as bright as a robin's. "Where is he?" Her eyes dart to the door. "Is he coming later?" I half-expect her to pop out a bottle of champagne.
"He's in London," I shrug. "He's a busy man." I smile. "Like Jaemin." I have no idea why I said that; it came off catty, on a note of spite.
Jaemin stiffens at once.
He stares at me, his eyes narrowing, and it's like his hands are running all over me.
"I'm not busy," he says, looking at me. He smiles. Mockingly. It makes me want to slap his face.
"That's good to hear." I smile sweetly at him. "I thought you were a busy man."
"If I were busy, I wouldn't be here right now." His smile deepens.
There's a teasing, almost flirtatious note in his voice, and something else, a huskiness, an undercurrent of electricity that sizzles between us. It would more than likely take a search party to locate it, but it's buried there somewhere, beneath the light, flirtatious banter.
"Silly me. Of course. You wouldn't be here if you were a busy bee." I giggle a little, and a look of horror crosses Junnie's face. But I ignore her, because Jaemin's eyes, and Jaemin's slow smile are heady, like fine wine, making me giddy and light-headed.
He shoves his phone into his pocket, and Junnie rushes into a manic conversation with Dahee. Jerry manfully joins in. He can feel Junnie's agitation. They start talking about drugs and opening your own pharmacy store. I am bored.
Jaemin doesn't join in the conversation. Jaemin is staring at me again.
I don't know what's going on in his head. Something strange is going on in my chest. A flutter, flutter kind of thing. I hate it, because I know what it means. It means I am still addicted to him.
I cross my legs at the knees, hoping he doesn't notice it's my own personal armour. His eyes drop to my legs.
He folds his arms, his personal armour. I watch him softly inhale.
"How long have you been away, Mina?" Dahee asks.
I open my mouth to answer.
"Five years," Jaemin says. His voice is husky.
There is a silence.
It's like the world is on pause.
Our gazes hold.
I don't know what is happening to me, but something changes.
Something melts. Something hard or cold or covered in my own personal armour is turning to liquid.
I am melting.
I am melting because I'm not me when I'm near Jaemin.
I'm liquid, and liquid doesn't know how to be firm or stand up for itself.
Liquid flows.
That's all I want to do with Jaemin.
Flow.