"She has to get more testing done," I spoke into the phone; Max was on the other end listening eagerly. "They said she definitely has some hearing loss, which I already knew from how she's been reacting to things, but they have to do more testing to know the extent of it. I made another appointment for her. It's next week."
"How are you taking it, really?" He asked me.
"It hurts. I mean this all is happening because a part of me hurt her. I had no clue that it was going on and I couldn't stop it. Can you imagine what that must've been like for her? The first couple minutes of life in the world and not being able to breathe."
"Wren, you couldn't have known. How were you supposed to stop it if you didn't know it was happening?"
"But I should have known! I should have known something was wrong sooner. How could I not have?"
"Don't torture yourself with what-ifs. You'll go crazy."
"I know, I know. It's just hard to see this happening to her. I want her to be able to experience the world the same as everyone else, but she won't be able to. She might not even be able to hear my voice..." The thought made me gasp at a realization, "Oh my God! Maxie, I sing to her all the time, what if she can't hear me?!"
"That's probably a good thing," he joked.
"I'm serious, Max!" I was starting to freak myself out. It was difficult to wrap my head around it. Something that most people can do without even thinking about, she might not be able to. How was that fair to anybody? Especially a baby.
"Relax, Wren. The chances of her having total hearing loss are probably super low. There's no way she can't hear your voice."
"I don't know Max. She wasn't breathing for 169 seconds, that's a long time; almost three minutes! 11 more seconds and she could've had severe brain damage. I don't think complete hearing loss is such a far-fetched worry."
"I understand, but you're spending too much time being worried about it. You should be focusing on spending your time with her."
"You're right. It's just hard." I said, feeling defeated.
"I get it, but you're gonna miss out on something and then how upset would you be?"
"I know, I know." I sighed, "thanks Max."
"Anytime, sunshine!"
I asked Max how work was going, and we talked about all the fun things he was doing and planning for the kids first week back to school. He was really excited. He had a fun game planned they were going to play and activities for them to do. He was teaching second grade this year; he said it was the perfect age group because they were still kind of cute and would be getting into learning the fun stuff. I took that as, he was getting to teach them things he was more excited about and it wasn't so frustrating for them to learn.
He said he had met up with some coworker friends last night after work, they went out for some drinks and did some "team building," whatever that means.
I was glad he was finally doing things for him again, it made me feel so relieved. He wasn't constantly worrying about me and Callie. He didn't have to feel obligated to take care of me anymore. He could go out and meet people, maybe finally get a girlfriend. I hated that I was holding him back, it made me happy that wasn't the case anymore.
Callie and I had another audiologist appointment so they could finish her testing. They requested that she be asleep for the testing, so I had to wait to feed her until after I got there; she usually fell asleep when she was full. When I walked back into a room, I had to wait a few minutes before her doctor came in. But when he did, he got right to it.
"Good morning, Ms. Matthews. How are you today?" He asked me, but he didn't seem interested in knowing. He just seemed like he wanted to get to what he needed to say and what he would be doing, but he had to act friendly.
"I'm fine. Thank you."
"As you're already aware, Callie has congenital hearing loss that was caused by the complications when she was born. We're going to finish up the other two tests that we didn't get to last time, so we can uncover the extent of it."
I nodded and he explained further what the tests were, what they tested for, and how they were done. When he finished telling me about them, we got started.
It was a little bit more than an hour later when they finished with the tests. I was told that when they got the results, they would send it over to the pediatrician who could go over them with me at Callie's next appointment.
~~~
I quickly settled into a simple routine. When Callie was sleeping, I would study and do class work. She still slept a lot, but the amount of time was getting a little less each day. For now, I was able to complete my work as she slept and could still spend every moment she was awake with her.
She moved around a little. She moved her arms up and down a tiny bit and she kicked her legs when she fussed. There had been changes in her eye color, small ones, but I could tell. They weren't as blue as they were before, the color didn't bother me though. I thought it was so weird at first that the color was changing, but now I just couldn't wait to see what I'd get to look into every day. I still found myself talking and singing to her, even though there was a chance she might not hear me. I couldn't find it in me to feed into a world of silence.
On Tuesday and Thursday nights I would take Callie with me to Max's house for dinner. We would be there for a few hours, just long enough for us to catch up a bit, to eat, watch a movie, and for Max to spend some time with Callie. I always looked forward to it as it got me out of the house and I enjoyed seeing Max interact with Callie.
So far, he had taken me up on my offer to have him over every weekend. Max would come over on Friday's after he got done at work and stayed through Sunday afternoon, sometimes evening. I didn't mind. I enjoyed having the company, it distracted me from my thoughts for a while.
Eli had been on my mind a lot recently. It hurt to think about him; all of my memories with him were a bit sour now, but it felt wrong to think that there wouldn't be any more. It was a heartbreak I forced myself through over and over again because I just couldn't stop my thoughts.
I still didn't feel safe living at the house. If I had any free time after I finished my school work in which Callie was sleeping, I would look online into places that were renting out. I had found a few places where the prices were reasonable, but I wasn't sure if it was a good time to move yet. I was just getting back into the swing of things, moving in the middle of that process would throw it all off.
"What's on your mind?" Max asked me as we sat down to eat, "you're awfully quiet today."
I took a moment to answer him. It wasn't that I didn't want to, I just didn't know where to start. "Do you think it would be a good time to move?"
"No time is a good time to move. Why?"
"I just - I don't feel safe in the house anymore. I haven't for a while, since before Callie was born. But the timing hasn't been right."
He considered what I said then told me, "if you don't feel safe, then the sooner you move the better. Is it because of the stuff with Xavier?"
I nodded in reply, "whether he was hiding things around my house or not, it wouldn't change anything. I don't think it's a good environment for me. I've been looking, but I don't know."
"Well, I would offer for you to stay here until you figure it out but there's no room. I'll help you with the process though. It can be stressful, but it's worth it for your safety and peace of mind." Once again I nodded, but stayed quiet, I guess I'm moving.
Callie's one month appointment was the following week and I was so anxious for the results of her hearing exams I could barely sleep. I didn't think I could go through with it. Maybe I'd rather not know. "What else, Wren?" He knew me too well.
"Callie's appointment next week. They should have her test results. I don't know if I'll be able to handle them." I sighed, maybe I should reschedule for another time.
"You can't avoid it like it's not going to eventually affect you."
"I know..." I hesitated before asking him, "is there any way you could come with me?" I wouldn't have asked if I thought I could handle it on my own, but I had a bad feeling and I didn't know how I was going to respond to the results.
He nodded, "just give me the details and I'll take off work."
"Thanks Maxie. It means a lot."
"I told you: if you need me, I'll be there."
I nodded and we continued the rest of our night as normal.
By the time Callie's doctor's appointment came around, I was an anxious mess. I paced around the house waiting for Max to get there and when he did, I tossed my keys to him "you drive," then put Callie in her car seat. The whole way there, I was restless; my legs continuously bounced up and down and I was biting my fingernails.
Nothing Max said helped me to feel better. He would tell me, "everything is going to be okay." And I knew it would be, it was just hearing loss. But I felt so guilty. This is my fault.
By the time we went back to start the appointment, I was just trying to hold it together. They checked Callie's growth and asked about her behavior and her eating and sleeping habits.
When they were through with that, the pediatrician came in and went over everything with me, "Callie's growth and development is on the right track, you seem to be adjusting well and doing everything right when it comes to what she needs. Within the next month she should start making small sounds and smiling. If you have her laying on her stomach, she should be able to lift up her head. There are a few other things, but you'll most likely notice it when she does it."
I nodded, then stuttered in nervousness at my next words, "wh-what about her h-hearing. The audiologist said, y-you would have the results." She looked through her papers to find it.
Max rested his hand above my knee in attempt to comfort me, I looked up at him with tears in my eyes, "no matter what, everything will be okay."
I nodded and anxiously waited to hear the results, "Callie has what we call sensorineural hearing loss in both ears, which is rare. It's caused by nerve damage in the inner ear; the nerves are supposed to carry signals to the brain to register noise. For Callie this means that she can't hear soft noises and loud noises are muffled and hard to decipher. If she'll be able to at all, she'll have difficulty making out what people are saying. It looks like she didn't register high-pitched noises as well as the lower-pitched..."
She kept talking, but it was at that point that I tuned her out. I froze at the news. Holding myself together was getting harder by the second. I knew it, I knew something wasn't right. She didn't respond to sounds normally; it was rare if she ever turned her head towards me if I was talking or singing to her. This is my fault.
"If you have any questions, don't hesitate to call."
"Thank you," Max said, when he realized I wasn't going to say anything. The doctor left and Max turned toward me. "Hey, talk to me."
"It's not fair." I stated simply. There was so much more to it than that, but that's what it boiled down to.
"I know, Wr-"
"She's just a baby. She hasn't done anything wrong! She doesn't deserve this." I said, distraught.
"Look at me, Wren." He only continued when I did so, "is she breathing? Is she growing properly? Is she healthy?" I nodded with each question. He wiped the tears that had fallen from my face, "then she's okay." I was about to make another point, but Max stopped me. "Let's go home. We can talk more on the way there, yeah?"
I got up and followed him to the car, I made sure Callie was snug in her seat before going around to the front passenger seat. Max started the car and the drive home. There was silence for a few minutes before he reached for my hand to get my attention.
"Tell me what's going through that head of yours."
"Too much all at once," I started, only pausing to figure out where to begin. "This wouldn't be happening to her if my body hadn't hurt her from the start. A part of me wrapped itself around her little neck so she couldn't breathe. And now she has to go through life without hearing really anything besides random noise. Because of me!"
"You couldn't help it, Wren. There's nothing you could've done to change it. It just happened. You did everything you could possibly think of to keep her safe. It's not your fault."
"I wish I could switch auditory nerves with her. She doesn't deserve this!"
"No she doesn't. It's not fair and it's not right, but it's what's happening. So we have to deal with it, right? You're learning sign language and you'll be able to communicate with her. I promise. You can do this."
"I know. It's just - and I realize how dramatic this seems because it's just her hearing, right? It could be so much worse. It's just that I want the best for her, I don't want her to struggle through life in any way. But now I know she will; there will almost always be a communication barrier."
At that moment we pulled into the driveway and Max turned toward me, looking me in the eye. "It's okay to be upset. All moms want the best, problem- and worry-free life for their kids. It's natural to be frustrated and angry and sad. But you can't let that stop you or hold you back. Callie's strong; she's a fighter, just like her mom. The two of you side-by-side will be unstoppable one day. Nothing is going to change that."
I crumbled to the floor with tears falling from my eyes. My lip was busted and the left side of my face was pulsing in pain. My breathing became labored and vision more blurry than it already was.
When he noticed, he sat down next to me. He moved closer to me and I flinched away from him. He either ignored the action or didn't see it as he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close to lean on him, "I'm sorry Wrennie. I'm so, so sorry. I promise it won't happen again. I promise. Please forgive me. Please. I'm sorry!"
Jordan sounded so guilty and in so much pain from seeing me like this. I didn't know what to think about it. I didn't want to think about it, I just wanted him back to normal. I wanted things to go back to how they used to be. "I love you, Wrennie. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. Please, please forgive me. I love you. I'm sorry."
I was so tired and wanted this to be over, I found myself nodding at him. He said he was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. I loved him and that was enough for me.
He kissed me at the crown of my head, "I love you, Wrennie. It's just the two of us against the world. Nothing could ever change that."
I shook the memory from my head. "I know that. I just feel scared and so extremely guilty." I told him as I got out of the car and grabbed Callie.
We didn't talk anymore about it, but Max stayed the night at the house and left early the next morning so he could go home and get ready for work. I stuck to my normal routine for the day; school work and Callie. That's all I really needed. She was my whole world, and nothing would ever change that.
~~~
Callie was growing too quick for comfort. I didn't like it. She was only 2 months old, but I just wanted time to slow down. She would smile at me a lot; I had taken to making funny faces at her to achieve this since I knew silly noises wouldn't work. She wiggled and moved her arms and legs around so much more than she used to.
Her growth was still on the right track, outside of her hearing. I had some questions that I got answers to at her most recent appointment. I still felt a whole lot of guilt on my shoulders, but knowing more about it helped me a little.
Max came over often to help me pack up the house. I hadn't found an apartment an apartment yet, but I was looking. Max helped with that too when he could.
The first thing I had Max do was pack up everything that was left in the spare bedroom. I couldn't find it in me to go in there and do it myself. While he did that, I started in my room; I packed away all the things I didn't wear regularly and things I didn't use on a daily basis. And did the same for Callie's things.
It made me feel good that we were getting things done. I was starting to worry that I'd run out of time and I wouldn't be ready on the day I was supposed to move in. But now that I was actually able to get things packed and sorted, I was feeling a bit better.
Music was playing through the house, as we worked. Eventually, Max had moved onto the living room as I still worked on my room. We had been going for a couple hours when the doorbell rang. I got up from my spot, yelled to Max "I got it," and made my way downstairs. I could hear Max singing obnoxiously loud and it made me laugh as I opened the door.
When I saw who was standing there, my heart dropped to my stomach and my breath got caught in my throat. The two of us stood there for a moment, I had tears in my eyes as memories forced themselves through my head. I couldn't make myself move or say anything, but they beat me to it anyway.
"Hey Wren."
💜❤️
Hello beautiful people!
I'm so very excited because this is the last chapter of Who's Fault? And it is a wonderful 3,296 words. Don't ask me why I've kept track this whole time with the lengths, I just find it interesting!
Who could be standing at the door in front of Wren, you ask? I guess if you really want to know, you'll stick around for the next installment of the series! But until then, in the words of Thomas Sanders:
"Take it easy guys, gals, and nonbinary pals. Peace out!"
TM