Jaemin's house is empty. It has been empty for the past two years. There is a huge For Sale sign pasted across the front gate.
"They moved away two years ago." Mum avoids looking at me, and takes great care not to mention his name.
"Do you know where they went?" I feign indifference, but her eyes rest on mine for a moment, and she looks troubled.
"Mina," she says hesitatingly. "I - " But Dad comes in at that exact moment, and she turns away, pursing her mouth. When she looks at me again, she says, very casually, "No. I have no idea where they went. We lost touch."
I sit at my desk, and stare at it. After a while, I open the drawer, and take out my exercise book. I flip the pages, and stare at the black print for a while. Then I close it.
I open the door leading out to the balcony, and look to my left. The windows are shuttered, the balcony coated with dust. Across the street, a boy of about twelve gets down from a school bus. I wonder if he is the little boy who used to peek at me and Jaemin kissing on the balcony. The boy walks through his front gate, and looks up at me, as he closes it with a bang. He looks away, and walks into his house. There is no recognition in his eyes; he does not remember me.
Everything changes.
Nothing stays the same.
Junnie calls me, and invites me to a New Year's Eve party. Jerry, her boyfriend, will be there.
"C'mon, you haven't left your house since you came home."
"It's jetlag," I say. "I keep sleeping at the oddest times."
"You'll be fine by Sunday," she says. "C'mon, say okay."
I say okay.
The ghosts of the past are everywhere.
I shut my eyes, the mists lift, and the memories come crowding in.
Jaemin, laughing, as we steal kisses in the storeroom. A hot flush stains my cheeks, and my heart is pounding in my chest.
Jaemin, walking beside me in the sunset, his skin turned gold in the evening light, the long black shadows of the stunted trees cutting across the flame-coloured narrow path, his hand entwined with mine.
Jaemin, leaning out of the balcony on a winter's morning, when the frost is thick on the inside of the glass, roaring his white breath to the sky.
Jaemin, lying on my lap on a wooden bench, his skin turned mahogany with the summer sun, his drowsy eyes reflecting the flickering light as he basked in the heat.
Jaemin, staring at me across the cafeteria, the heat of his gaze upon me, the little electric shock that happened every single time he glanced up at my face from his table, and our eyes met.
Jaemin, looking at me in silence, his hands, long and narrow, his strong fingers running down the curve in my back.
Jaemin, his head bent towards mine in the flickering light of the candle, holding me close, his cheek pressed against mine, swaying to a melody.
Jaemin, the intensity of his gaze, the way he looked at me, that he cared, utterly and completely. That there was no one else in the universe who mattered to him as much as I did.
Jaemin, watching me with lazy eyes, his fingers trailing circles around my mouth.
Jaemin, in my room, on my bed, all long limbs and tangled hair, his arms tight around me, the heat of his skin against my skin.
Me, lying in the darkness within touching distance of a boy beautiful enough to break my heart.
Me, putting out my hand towards his shoulder, my fingertips so close that I could feel the heat from his bare, milky skin, silver in the starlight.
Jaemin turning in the quiet moonlight, opening his eyes, putting out a hand to my cheek, kissing me.
Jaemin lifting his head, snow frosting his breath, looking down at me, the apology, clear as day, hiding behind the tears in his eyes.
Jaemin kissing me for the last time, his lips cold, bidding me farewell.
Jaemin, looking like his heart just broke, the stains of his tears upon my frozen lips.
NEW YEAR'S EVE
The hotel is crowded with New Year revellers.
I am late.
I make my way through the sea of people. There is a crush at the elevators, but I manage to squeeze into one. A young man in a blue shirt smiles at me; he is wearing a wedding ring, he tucks his hand into his pants pocket, and continues to smile at me. "Hello," he says. "Are you going to the New Year's Eve bash?" I nod, and turn away.
I get off on the twelfth floor with the rest of the people in the elevator. Married Man tries to chat with me, but I ignore him, and head for the Grand Ballroom.
It is crowded with people. They are chattering at the top of their voices, and almost every available space is filled with handsome men and beautiful women dressed to the nines, flirting, chatting, laughing, drinking. At the far end by the window, I catch sight of Jerry and Junnie. They are engaged in conversation with someone who is hidden from me.
Junnie sees me, and her brow wrinkles. She opens her mouth as if to say something, and the crowd parts, and I see someone whose tall back and lean frame are painfully, almost terrifyingly, familiar.
I haven't seen him in over five years, but of course, I'd know him anywhere.
He turns and sees me.
And as he looks at me it is as if my whole heart moves over in my body and is mine no longer.
His eyes travel from the smooth hair piled on top of my head, down my black dress, to my black strappy stilettos, and back up.
People pass between us, but we might as well have been alone in the room. Everything else falls away.
And the five years go whistling down the wind.
My breath catches in my throat, the way it did all those years before at the sight of him, and I'm no longer a newly-minted lawyer, confident and all set to accomplish great things. I'm just a sixteen-year-old girl, painfully shy and self-conscious, taking my first tentative steps towards the boy I'm crushing on.
One of my stilettos catches on the carpeted floor, and I stumble. By the time I've righted myself and looked up, he is there, standing in front of me.
I'm nothing but liquid, and liquid doesn't do a good job of standing or walking away, so I don't move.
"Mina," he says, his voice riddled with everything. Every single emotion wraps itself around each letter of my name as it comes out. My name is so much more beautiful coming from his mouth, laced with that voice.
My heart lurches in my chest and the memories come unbidden, beating at the inside of my head with feathered wings.
FIVE YEARS AGO
He looks at me. I look at him.
Our eyes meet over the heads, the laughter, the champagne, the tinkling glasses, the well wishes.
I can't be with you, Mina. I love you, but I can't be with you. His eyes are so, so sad.
My thoughts are so much, so much sadder. I love you, Jaemin. I love you, but I can't love you anymore.
I slowly walk away, avoiding his gaze as I watch my feet with each step. They're the saddest steps I've ever seen taken.
I open the door. It's the saddest door I've ever had to open.
I close the door behind me, and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I can't even walk the three feet back to my hotel.
I collapse in the hallway.
I'm liquid. Nothing but tears.
THE PRESENT
I look at him.
I have to swallow before I can speak.
"Jaemin." My voice is rusty. "Long time no see."