"Don't worry I won't hurt you as I'll be the one wounded if I ever did"
The ruckus, the circus, the masked men, the betrayals wandered in her mind as she sat deadly still swaddled in his arms as her mind played tricks and heart raged a battle against herself. The world didnt make any sense to her neither did the solace and restlessness she was feeling at the same time, the warmth and cold and dread. The tears that just wont stop and the arms that are clinging to a shinning star, she always shared her sorrows with seemingly so bright and beautiful has finally descended down to earth for her. A star she told everything yet he seemed so inhumanely beautiful and distant and now she was wrapped in his arms like his precious treasure when he was her most precious secret holder and the world just doesn't make any sense to her anymore.
The internal conflicts, the raging war between her heart and mind and the unnamed sorrow and hollowness surrounding her like a big plastic ball with her trapped inside it and the lead seeping through her bones making her own weight feel to heavy to be carried by her and the world just didnt seem right.
The year long what if's rising again and intensifying the already intense fight between her heart and mind. The heart again stood firm on his decision of giving him a chance and mind stood firm on the decision that she did right. She wasn't capable of redeeming him, for him she never did matter. It was just a bet not love, he didn't love her, not even a little like she loved him. She did right choosing herself over love, she didnt matter to him. And the heart again began lamenting about why will he do what he did if he didnt love her?? Why will he cover her with his body and take all the brutal beatings for her?? Why will he fight a losing battle for her?? Why will he fight for her even after knowing he was no match to those man, even after knowing he'll be gravely wounded if he continued standing before her.
There were so many questions, so many why's and so many unnamed and unsolved emotions but nothing hurt as much as the realization that she wasn't over him still his wounds hurt her more than him, still she will lose all her composure and beg for his well being, still his presence can make her lose any sense of rationality, still she cant hurt him without gravely wounding herself.
People may call her fool for still loving someone like him. People may laugh at her and call her helpless, clingy and weak for still craving his love but maybe they hadn't been in love like her. It's so easy laughing at others problems and calling them absurd, it's so easy judging people when you've not gone through the same stage as them and preach they should and shouldn't even she had laughed and called those girls weak who acts so vulnerable and like a total fool after being broken by their love but in reality it's not easy, a part of you still craves them. The memories just dont go away, the addiction slowly kills you.You curse them and love them at the same time. The whatifs and maybes surrounds you like a second skin, you find fault in yourself and think how could he do this to you?? Didnt he even once think about her feelings?? Didn't her feelings matter to him even a little?? Was everything a lie?? The sweet words, seeking of her company, talking for hours to each other, the dreams and aspirations, the world that we weaved together with promises and dreams, did it all mean nothing was everything really a lie?? And how to forget those sweet dreams, the promises and the painted future we forsee together. What about the music to my songs and the rythm to my words?? What about the irreplaceable place he built in my life and heart?? It couldn't be just forgotten and vanishes. I just couldn't act like it never happened, I couldn't pretend I didn't weave a beautiful imperfect world with my lyrics and his music. If you're rejected and humiliated at every step, if you knew he never loved you than maybe it seems a little easier moving on leaving behind the bitter memories but how to move on from the sweet promises and a world of love. How to move on from a sweet addiction of texts and calls?? How to move on when each guy got compared to him and the dreams we built?? how to move on when you want to beat him senseless and kiss him at the same time?? How to move on when the memories assaults and feelings go haywire and the hope lingers that maybe he has changed, that maybe he realized her value. How to move on when every moment you act unaffected by him and steal secret glances when he isn't looking?? How to move on when his slightest glimpse brighten your day and you still worry about the tired lines on his face??
It wasn't easy coming to this point. It wasnt easy building the non affected and happy facades. It wasnt easy being somewhat her old self but he again has to do something to shaken up the freaking axis of her world and turn her world upside, down and zig zagged at the same time. Why did he have to upheaval her life like this?? Why couldn't he let her rest with what she had made herself beileve?? Why did he have to make her rage a war against herself again?? Why cant he just let her be??? Why cant he let her be just swooned up by the star?? Why did he have to enter again bringing back the mess?? Why did he have to make her feel like a mess in his love again????
Ritisha pov
My sleep was suddenly disturbed by the ruckus going around,the shrill ringing of phone and moving bodies with various hands and legs hitting me and why the hell their were various legs in my room. Suddenly the thought of baby Ira hit me with full force we were supposed to look after her and here I fell asleep. Oh, lord what will I tell di?? I fell asleep and lost her baby. Oh, God di will murder me in cold blood as wave of anxiety and panic gripped me in a vice like grip and my eyes refused to cooperate with me. They weren't ready to open themselves, gosh I'm awake then why aren't my eyes opening?? Why were they being stubborn?? Thinking about this my eyes opened to be shut again blinded by the bright light.Why were the lights so bright?? Suddenly remembering what made me panic I sit up straight in a bolt startling the still confused people looking around to blame whatever broke their nap and I will laugh later about how funny they actually were but right now I had an urgent mission to find a kid and even Anya di is awake. she'll kill all of us very slowly and painfully.
On an optimistic thought baby Ira also might be asleep if the fate was on her favour. The baby babbles and squeals proved her thought wrong but on the bright side she wont be murdered in cold blood tonight.
I turned around to see baby Ira in bade papa's arms trying to eat bade papa's cheeks. Okay, that was so unfair she tried so hard from so long to get the baby kiss her but the baby vehemently refused to kiss her and now she is kissing her bade papa happily. Life is definitely unfair. In my panic and messed up state I totally missed the way Omisha di was resting on Anya di's shoulder even though Anya di seemed to have suddenly stiffened up and looked a little bit uncomfortable but she didnt push away Omisha di's head from her shoulder.
"My...phone" Anya di looked really uncomfortable surrounded like this, like she didn't quite know what was going on or what to do?? Like she was ready to jump out of the room to put distance between her and this unfamiliar situation. She didn't know why Anya di was so scared to be of this feelings?? Didnt she want this?? Didnt she crave this love then why is she running away from the steps of that love, the steps of that bond.
"Here, someone called pagal baccha was calling" I heard badi ma's amusement filled voice as she handed the phone to Anya dii and I couldn't help but think who is this pagal baccha. She didnt have to muse more as Anya di called back whoever this pagal baccha was
"Hey, ha Niks you called"
"No, I'm absolutely fine" and I couldn't help but think how did the guy guess she was I'll just by hearing her voice. How close they really were that he can guess her well being by her tone. she watched as a myriad of emotions passed through her face before it became stoic and an bone chilling icy expression she has never witnessed appeared on her face, an expression which was scaring her when it wasnt even directed to her.
"Niks, its alright I'll handle everything leave Vi and Ansh to me. They both are on sets right....dont worry I'll look after it. Niks, it's not your fault at all, I'll handle everything. Just don't stress and crying doesn't make anyone weak Niks. It just shows that you're human enough to feel other's pain" Di's tone was full of understanding and firmness and unconditional care, whoever was on the other side of the call was very close to her and it showed on Di's eyes as her bright blue orbs became more frosty with each passing second.
"Niks baccha....I'm here na....stay with Panchi and Savvy, alright. I'll be there in 10 minutes. Yeah, no...I'll be there stay there and calm Savvy. Yeah, I know just distract them leave the rest on me." After disconnecting the phone di looked torn between throwing the phone away and watch it break into pieces or gripping it so hard that it looked like it will shatter in her hands but in the end she did none of those things. she just took a deep breath and kept the phone on side.
"I need to go to the hospital, right now"
"What happened di?? Everyone alright?" I could clearly hear the panic in my tone and I'm sure everyone present in the room also took note of it.
"No, Panchi was attacked on way to a set, Omav was also there. Omav is in emergency." She said everything so professionally, so calmly like a doctor relaying the message of a patients survival chances to the patient's family, so unconnected to everyone that no one could ever guess that Omav was her cousin brother.
"What????" There was chaos all around, everyone speaking above each other and I couldn't help but wonder how can Anya di sit so calmly and detachedly.
"I can't take Sisira to the hospital" Anya di muttered to herself as she surfed through her phone most likely searching for an alternative.
"Ummm....She can stay with us...you all go to the hospital." I heard badi ma's frantic tone and looked towards Anya di and again she was inludged in an internal battle.
"Okay, but dont give her to anyone else, dont let her out of your eyes even for a moment" the words were full of worry but the eyes was full of warning and I dont know why Anya di was acting this way. I know she didn't like to show it but she craves badi ma and papa's love then why was she behaving so hard right now.
But I couldn't ask her as we followed her to the hospital. Anya di took the hospital's back entrance as the front was swarmed by media and I don't know how media got sniff of all these.
Anya di was literally broke into a sprint inside the hospital to reach Panchi and I witnessed the worry and anxiety in her for the first time but still I dont know why I couldn't help but burn in rage watching the scene in front of me. I know I was acting insane and obsessive and it wasnt at all acceptable for me to be so angry now but I couldn't help watching Panchi craddled in Swadhin's arms and Anya di sitting beside them gently moving her fingers through Panchi's hair as if it was all normal. I know I shouldn't be hurt or furious but my own emotions aren't in my control anymore.
...To be continued...