Author's Note: The most difficult character writing about in this fanfiction for me is Kylo Ren. At first glance it would seem to be easy because there are these things we just love about that character that are easy to pinpoint initially, but with Adam Driver's talented portrayal of Kylo, I almost find it more nerve-wracking. When would he be tender? When exactly does he lose his temper? What sets him off, and what are his true motivations with Rey? Sometimes it takes me longer to write certain chapters with him because I have to ask myself these questions when writing his dialogue. He's so direct, speaking his mind and answering questions in as few words as possible, yet he conveys his emotions in fleeting moments on film. He's a character I truly want to get right every time I am writing his progression in this fan fic.
*
A blood-red sun was setting on the horizon of Jakku, transforming the sky to a gradient of warm yellows, brilliant tangerine, and a thin streak of deep fuchsia blended sleekly among amethyst tones. Varying peaks of the sand dunes broke up the smooth horizon and bits of auburn sunlight peeked between every crevice, and the passive cawing of some nighttime predator was audible in the distance.
When they had finally pulled her up to the mouth of the hole, the open air was crisp and delicious to breathe in after being down under the ground.
The familiar sight of the desert brought more warm, happy feelings to Rey's heart as her head rose above the hole, and the stray pieces of hair that had been undone were caught in the breeze.
"Hey lass," Vurdan's voice was gentle as he and Alwick grabbed hold of her arms, "you're not looking well".
Rey smiled weakly at him as they helped her step out onto the sand, allowing her room to shuffle forward out of the way. She turned to watch Alwick and Tyrus reaching forward into the hatch and Kylo appearing with their assistance, swinging one long leg out followed by the other.
She could barely keep her eyes open, the majority of her energy going to trudging through the soft sand, the toes of her boots dragging with every step. Her hand throbbed and her chest ached miserably. All she wanted was to sleep; after all, it had been a very long day.
I've never been this tired before, her thoughts murmured in her foggy skull as she blinked slowly looking into the distance.
There's a small quarters available on board, Ren's voice answered in her mind.
Annoyed by her loose thoughts being read, Rey slowed her steps up the ramp to see Kylo not far behind with the Knights in tow. They made eye contact and he nodded to her.
She was just about to enter the ship when she was met at the door with the perfectly pleased features of Freen and his piercing yellow eyes.
"Miss Rey," he raised an eyebrow to her, a hint of smile on his lips. "I hope reuniting was...pleasant."
"It was certainly interesting" was all she managed to answer.
Freen's eyebrows drew up in concern. "You're not well. Let's get you out of these wet clothes and into something dry, shall we?"
"Er, a dry blanket will do for now. I just need to lay down and try to sleep."
A flutter of disappointment edged through his perfect features. "Of course, there are some in the room on board, as well as a thermal dehydrator to remove the moisture from your clothes. The door in the left corner is the one you want, as the door on the right is cargo hold."
"Thank you" she yawned as she stumbled past him towards the door where Tyrus stepped in to open it, and closed it behind her once inside.
The room was small and functional, the only lights were above the tiny desk and at the head of the bed. Rey collapsed onto it with heavy limbs, her head pounding with a headache that had slowly been building since Kylo had rescued her. The sheets were by no means soft, but they were dry and warm.
She realized she was staring right at the dehydrator unit beneath the desk. The wet clothes had already started chafing in her armpits and between thighs, but it was more noticeable now after walking across the sands to the ship. Sighing, she sat up to strip down to her undergarments and put them in the unit, turning it on to see the countdown till she could safely sleep clothed.
Laying on her chest was excruciating as she watched the red numbers tick away, and she found it almost impossible to get comfortable. It had been a long time since Rey had experienced this much physical pain.
*
Ren, Vurdan and Alwick entered the ship, closing up the ramp behind them immediately. Ren noticed right away that Rey was not in sight.
"She's in the ship quarters" Freen informed him.
Ren acknowledged him as he stiffly walked towards the storage compartments on the far side of the ship.
Vurdan and Alwick started for the pilot chairs but Tyrus motioned for them to hold off. Tyrus cleared his throat. "What's the plan, Ren? Will you be filling us in on what happened down there?"
Finding the med kit at last, Ren pulled the smooth, white utility case from the locker and started toward the cargo hold.
"Ren?" came Tyrus' voice again.
He stopped and turned to see them all standing there with curious expressions, waiting for his next order.
"Are we secure for now?" he asked flatly.
Tyrus ran a hand through his lock of red hair. "Ozir picked up Palpatine on that final pass after we dropped you. We followed him out of the atmosphere momentarily, but they were met by an older model of star destroyer, one we've never seen before. We hung back and it wasn't long before they entered lightspeed. We are secure for now as far as I know, but we shouldn't stay here for long."
Ren considered the information before replying. "Set a course for Takodana, but don't enter their atmosphere. We'll need to have a conversation with someone before we do that."
"With who?" Alwick piped up.
Vurdan elbowed him sharply, before walking away to the pilot chairs. "With the girl of course. Let's get this thing going."
Freen smiled. "Should be an 'interesting' conversation."
Ren shot him a warning look as he turned to the door.
Bursting into the cargo hold to slam the door behind him, his tight posture loosened as he grunted with the palm of his hand digging into his left side.
The ship trembled as the engines fired up, hearing the distant voices of Vurdan and Alwick. He despised showing weakness in front of anyone if he could help it.
Shoving a stack of crates aside with one sweep of his arm, he lumbered through to the free space in the middle. The med kit case was opened as he hastily ripped off his tunic, tossing it beside the crate. He leaned over to get a good look at the wound he'd sustained from the Clawdite's dagger.
An inch and a half long gaping wound was present on his left side near the blaster scar, bloody bits speckled in a circumference for the various times he'd moved and broken the clotted patch. He hissed angrily as his finger prodded the outside of the hole to gauge the depth the knife had driven.
His right hand found the anaesthetic pistol in the box and pointed the chamber into the swollen flesh on one side of the wound. Ren held his breath the moment before pulling the trigger, biting into his single, remaining glove to the loud clunking made as the needle punctured his abdomen. Ren groaned in pain but managed to suppress the pitch as his teeth ground down on the leather.
The chamber was lined up again on the opposite side of the wound. Another clunk as he pulled the trigger again, this time hunching over in agony. He spit the glove out as a wave of nausea came.
"Did the shapeshifters do that to you?" Rey's soft voice startled him out of his concentration. He'd been so absorbed with the treatment that he'd missed the signal of the bond opening.
Rey was laying on her stomach with her hands next to her face atop a large case filled with canon chargers and obviously she was laying in her bed in the next room. Her clothes appeared dry, she had let her hair down for comfort, and it fell all around her delicately.
Ren felt his mouth go dry as a drop of sweat slid down his temple, and he swallowed uncomfortably. He had never seen her with her hair completely down before.
"You should be sleeping" was all he managed to say, reaching again into the treatment box to retrieve the disinfectant that he should have applied first. Ripping open the single-use packet, he spread the cold, yellow gel over the wound and tossed the wrapping onto the cargo box.
"I was about to, but for some reason you appeared just as I was falling asleep."
Her eyes looked heavy being so near to drifting off and the toll of the day was showing in her features. She forced herself to get up and shrug it off for a little longer, slowly walking towards where he sat.
Her hair fell around her face in untidy waves, and the tightness in Ren's chest intensified; the three buns gave her a classic, clean look, but now she had a vulnerable edge that added another dimension of attractiveness to her.
"I can help" she offered, her gaze locked on the wound as she observed the severity of the damage, but noticeably her eyes strayed to the rest of his chest and exposed abdomen.
"Aren't you going to ask me to put a cowl on?"
Rey gave him a cross look, the blush vanishing instantly as she put her hands on her hips. He wanted to smile, maybe even laugh as he brought up the force bond connection on Ahch-To. He didn't dare take the teasing further.
She held out one hand expectantly, her expression unchanged.
Ren hesitated before handing her the white staple applicator. "You're at an ideal angle to do this properly. It's already sterile, you just have to line up the cut between the prongs. "
She accepted it, turning it over to look at the entire piece before she confidently moved closer.
Ren pinched the skin together on either side of the wound to close it up into a narrow slit before nodding to Rey to use the applicator. She obliged by holding it over the wound, peering down the middle to ensure she positioned it correctly. Her thumb depressed the orange button, and a single beep was emitted before it snapped down onto the skin, held for one second, and then released.
Ren grimaced painfully, baring his teeth through sharp breaths. The anaesthetic had helped but obviously not taken all the pain away entirely.
"You're going to need at least three more of those" she explained as she carefully touched the small, exposed portion of staple she had applied.
His dark eyes looked into her own as he drew a shaking breath. "Do what you have to. We both need rest tonight."
Without giving him any warning, she proceeded to apply one staple after another in succession without faltering.
Beep
The second staple found its mark above the first.
Beep
The third drew blood.
Beep
The fourth closed it up perfectly.
Ren leaped up from the crate as the last staple went in, nearly bowling her over as he attempted to walk off the searing pain in his side. He hissed into his bare hand before pounding the wall twice as the wave of pain reached its apex; he made short, huffing breaths till its intensity lessened to a bearable level.
Wiping the sweat off his brow, he turned back to Rey, who carefully placed the applicator back into the med kit, and he stopped just a couple feet from her to see her completed work. She continued to stare wide-eyed at his bare torso, looking over every scar, and shivering at the length of the longest one.
"Looks like it should serve you till you get a medical droid unit" Rey said tiredly.
The bond was tightening with tension again, Ren realized. It was like a coil being pulled apart slowly, a waiting game till it was finally released.
Rey closed the gap between them as she studied his face, her eyes going back and forth between his until he was suddenly opened up to the memory replaying in her head.
His mind met her in the middle of it, seeing what she saw and his own memories filled in the gaps of thoughts and feelings from his perspective.
The memory was on Starkiller Base, when they had fought with against each other with lightsabers ablaze in the falling snow.
He saw his own face, turning to look at her in total awe as the lightsaber flew across right into her hand.
Had he really been looking at her like that?
Rey struck him, catching him off balance. He allowed it; he was already being torn apart on the inside from killing Han Solo. Perhaps she would kill him, and end his pain.
She struck again, this time his face, neck, and right shoulder were scorched with fire. He thought she would land the killing blow, but the ground between them broke apart, dividing them and sparing him in turn.
Rey reached up and Ren held his breath again, unsure of her intent. He watched her intensely as a hunter watches his prey, prepared for any sudden movements.
Delicately, the thumb of her left hand traced the scar on his cheek just below his eye; her breathing hitched as he saw regret wallowing in her eyes.
"I'm sorry for this" her words were soft, "I added to all the scars you already bear."
Ren had no reply, his lips paralyzed from this small contact with her. It was merely a graze, but the fact that it was intentional stoked a fire in his body.
She's so close.
Her fingers continued to trace the scar down to his jaw line and along his neck, finally stopping at his collarbone. Ren, unable to bear her going further, covered her hand with his as it rested on his chest muscle. A noticeable tingle travelled into his palm from her skin, and his breathing was uneven.
"Do you remember what you said down there?" he managed to ask, as his thumb carefully caressed the side of her hand.
"Hmm?" she took her distracted gaze off their hands to look at him again.
"You called me 'Ben'" his statement hanging in the air between them.
Rey seemed breathless. "Did I?" she mumbled.
"Why did you call me that?" he asked.
Rey struggled to find the right words, her cheeks warming again under the pressure of his questioning. "I...I don't know, I guess I just..." and she began to pull away from him.
Always trying to leave when we get too close. Just like in Snoke's chambers.
"Rey...please". Trapping the hand still on his chest, he caught hold of her free hand to prevent her from distancing herself.
She cried out in pain just as he squeezed her palm in his grip and he released both her hands in surprise.
Confusion swirled in his mind as he watched Rey clench her right fist tightly, the fingers of her other hand closed around her wrist; a tear escaped her eye, running along the curve of her cheek.
Had she been injured this whole time?
"Let me see" he extended a hand to her, coming closer once again. Rey sighed and offered her clenched hand to his waiting palm, uncurling her fingers ever so slowly. Bright-red flesh was revealed, burning with a feverish heat, and he could see a small hole had been pierced her hand.
"How did this happen?" he asked, lightly prodding around the hole.
"I don't know, it was just there when you...woke me up" she answered.
The redness extended along the underside of her wrist, disappearing beneath her arm wrap. He moved to undo the fabric so he could see how far the effects of it had travelled, but she yanked her arm away from him and took a step back, eyeing him warily. He could have sworn there was even a flash of anger in her eyes.
The moment had been lost, that much was clear.
"I'm just trying to help" he assured her.
Rey tilted her chin up, shaking her hand out. "The best way to help would be to end the war, and dissolve the First Order" her bitter answer came.
Ren held his tongue, sensing a shift in Rey through the bond.
She took a long hard look at him, her emotions visibly wavering between wanting to be soft but also carefully protecting her heart from hoping too much.
"Goodnight..." she said quietly, turning away from him and slowly fading away from his view as the connection closed.
Ren stood there in the cargo hold, staring at the open med kit, wishing he could pursue the conversation with her but accepted that it would not be appropriate with the Knights around. He gathered up his tunic and put it back on.
Frustrated with what had unfolded between them, he paced the cargo hold, clenching his fists at his sides.
Ren recalled pulling Rey from the water in the chamber and the unsettling fear that he might lose her forever. The moment took away all the bitterness he'd held on to since she denied him in the throne room.
"I'll destroy her, and you, and all of it."
Then that bond opened just once more, and they saw each other one last time.
Seating himself on the ground with his back to the wall, Ren closed his eyes to rest, but remained awake for a while longer as he reflected on the path he had chosen with the Dark Side.
It still left him empty, no matter what it took from him - even if it wasn't Snoke physically taking it. Finally, he wondered where it would inevitably lead him with Rey at present.