[Ellie]
“Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?" - Avril Lavigne
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I stand outside Ashton’s door. It’s a strange time to be here – straight after school on a Friday afternoon, still in my uniform with my mostly empty backpack dangling off one shoulder. My hair is tugged upwards in a ponytail, and I have an absent-minded desire to let it out.
Just as that thought passes through my head the door swings open, revealing the one and only Mr Luke Hemmings, hair as quiffed as usual, a Nirvana shirt hanging off his frame. I look at him in surprise.
‘Oh, hey Luke,’ I say. ‘I was just wondering if Ashton was in?’
Luke glances backwards and then shakes his head, arm resting on the doorframe. ‘Sorry, Ellie. He’s out getting groceries. Do you want to come in?’
‘Nah, it’s fine,’ I say with a brief smile. ‘I was just dropping off his shirt.’ When Luke raises a curious eyebrow I flush bright red, shaking my head to correct myself. ‘We went swimming,’ I say quickly. ‘He left it in my bag.’
Luke blinks then laughs, and I smile bashfully at the floor. When I look up he nods his head inside, a smile still lingering on his face. ‘You sure you don’t want to hang around? He’ll be back soon, with pizza. We’re watching a movie.’
I chew my lip, considering the offer. Dad wasn’t going to be back until late-ish anyway due to a long shift at work after taking time off to look after Mum, so I shrug. ‘If that’s okay with you guys.’
‘’course it is,’ he says warmly, holding the door open for me. I quickly duck inside, looking around the small cottage house. I can see the spikey pink hair of Michael in the other room, lit up in strange colours from the television light.
I’m about to go over to greet the others when Luke wanders into the kitchen, motioning for me to follow. He opens the fridge and sticks his head inside as I lean up against the bench, eyes flicking over the contents of the room.
It’s a small kitchen – nothing a chef would be able to work with, but for the purpose of feeding four teenage boys, it would do a pretty good job. The bench is marble, thick and cold with dark silver veins, with a few haphazardly-resting items scattered over its surface. A calendar that looks as if it were a fan-made gift sits proudly next to the fruit bowel, which currently seems to be lacking any fruit.
‘It’s either water or beer at the moment,’ Luke calls back to me, his voice slightly muffled as he digs around the fridge with his head in the door. He finally pulls back and shrugs, looking mildly embarrassed as he rubs his neck. ‘Sorry. Hopefully Ashton will bring back some coke or something.’
I laugh lightly. ‘It’s all good. I’ll have some water, thanks.’
Luke pulls out a glass from the top cupboard and tilts the iced jug of water to an angle that lets it flow quickly, but not quickly enough to overflow. I watch the stream slide over the lip of the jug, lapping at the edges of my glass. Luke passes it to me and I take a long drink, mumbling my thanks.
I watch the lanky boy as he leans into the fridge and takes a beer for himself, popping the lid and taking a swig. I thought it would feel more awkward than it does now, after our kiss, but it’s not as bad as I had imagined; you can tell there’s something mildly tense between us, but we still manage to pick up a conversation as we await Ashton’s arrival.
‘So,’ Luke says as he leans up against the back bench. My hips rests on the breakfast bar, skin cool through my shirt against the seemingly perpetually cold surface of marble. He takes another sip of beer, almost as if to steel himself. It causes me to smile slightly. ‘How’s life? That’s what you asked me when we first met, didn’t you?’
‘Yeah, that would be it,’ I say with a smile. ‘Life’s good. Nothing worth sharing, really. Being a high-school student is surprisingly boring.’ I sigh. ‘How about you? There has to be something wildly entertaining going on with you, at least. Famous people are always more interesting.’
Luke laughs. I detect a slight vein of nervousness. ‘Well, not sure I would call myself a famous person, but yeah, life’s relatively interesting. Photo-shoots. Interviews. Meeting fans. It’s all pretty good.’
‘Wow,’ I say, sighing wistfully. ‘It sounds amazing.’
Luke shakes his head slightly, repositioning himself on the bench so he can face me properly. ‘It’s really tiring though, too. I feel like I haven’t had a proper break for months.’
‘True,’ I say with an acknowledging dip of my head. ‘But still sounds a whole lot better than sitting through sixth-period math class.’
Luke laughs – it’s a nice laugh, not as giggly as Ashton’s, but still nice; it seems to swallow up the emptiness in the room. ‘Yeah,’ he admits. ‘Definitely better than sixth-period math class.’
Just as Luke’s laugh trickles into a fond smile, the door swings open and Ashton comes stumbling in with an armful of grocery bags, balancing the pizza boxes in the other. His head tilts upwards when he notices the presences in the kitchen, and his expression hardens. He looks critically between the two of us and smiles stiffly. ‘Hey, Ellie.’
I smile at him, unsure of his odd stiffness. I bump my hip off the marble bench and wander over to him, resting my water on the table, and relieve him of the pizza boxes. ‘Hey, drummer boy,’ I say with a smirk, fingers clasping the warm cardboard as I heft them out of his arms. As I do, my eyes drift down to the round curve of his arm, tensed as he hands me the boxes. I swallow.
I rest them on the kitchen table, ignoring the sudden lightness in my head, and move back over to the kitchen to help unpack the groceries. Luke stands back slightly, and I suddenly notice the uneasiness in the air between the two boys. I glance between them, and unable to see anything in particular but indignant expressions, I resolve to figure it out later and turn back to the half a dozen or so plastic bags.
‘So, what’re you doing here?’ Ashton asks as he tugs out a few huge 3L milk bottles, stacking them with a heavy thump on the first shelf. ‘Not that you’re not welcome or anything,’ he quickly adds.
I smile to myself at his reaction and reach up, sliding a bowel of some mystery meal to the side to make room for the few tubs of yoghurt. ‘I was dropping your shirt off,’ I say. ‘The one you left with me the other day? Anyway, you weren’t here and Luke offered a night of pizza, movies, and hanging out. Sounded better than the YouTube marathon I had planned.’
Both Luke and Ashton laugh, and I join in as I ball up some of the plastic bags. ‘That’s me,’ I mutter with a wry smile. ‘The social butterfly.’
‘Is that female laughter?’ A voice calls out from the other room. ‘Or just Ashton giggling?’ Ashton’s mouth drops and Luke chokes on his mouthful of beer, and I turn to find Michael resting up against the doorframe, his arms crossed, and a smug smile on his face. ‘Hey, Ellie,’ he says with a grin.
My eyes widen and I laugh, leaning back up against the bench. ‘Hey, Michael. I think that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day.’
Before Michael can say anything, Ashton pulls a confused and possibly hurt face. ‘I don’t sound like a girl when I laugh, do I?’ Silence. ‘Do I?’
Luke shrugs and Ashton looks offended, folding his arms and staring darkly into the distance. I tilt my head at his reaction and grin, loping over to him and hugging him momentarily from behind, squeezing him affectionately like a teddy bear. ‘Nah. Your laugh is adorable.’
He smiles sweetly down at me, and I feel a sudden fluttering in my chest. I avert my eyes, trying to stamp out the flutter, and wander over to the pizza, curiously lifting the lids and taking a look at what was inside. It was Domino’s Pizza – not my favourite – but Ashton had ordered Supreme and Meat Lovers, so that meant I was happy.
Luke pulls some plates from the cupboard that cause a clattering sound as they land on the bench, and nods his head over to the TV room. ‘You take the pizza, okay?’ He says, and I nod, bundling the numerous boxes in my arms. Michael wanders back in and leaps over the back of the couch, landing on a soft, hard lump with cries out with a ‘hey!’, which I can only assume is a curled up Calum.
‘Get off me you dick!’ he whines at Michael, who grins wickedly before leaning over and farting in his face. Calum pulls a face and coughs as I laugh, roughly pushing the grinning boy off of him. He kicks Michael in the leg a few times for good measure, then looks up when he sees me coming in with the pizza.
‘Oh, hey Ellie,’ he says, a halfway smile lazily pulling at his lips. ‘You staying?’
I nod, resting the pizza on the table. Michael and Calum have taken over the love seat, so I glance over where Ashton and Luke are sitting. Ashton scoots over, closing the gap between Luke and him, and pats the seat next to him. Luke glares at the back of Ashton’s head, and I remember their tense conversation from before. I make a mental note to find out more as I slip into the spot next to Ashton, curling up on the couch and tucking my legs beneath me. Ashton’s arm rests above my head, and I resist the urge to snuggle into it.
What’s wrong with you, Ellie? I scold myself. Since when do think like this about Ashton?
I shake the fuzziness from my head and focus on the movie screen and Calum and Michael fight over the remote, which ends in Calum’s victory as he sends the pink-haired boy sprawling onto the floor. I take a piece of Supreme and nibble at the end.
‘So, what movie does everyone want to watch?’ He says. ‘We’ve got a burnt copy of…’ He tilts the plastic container to see the name scrawled over the front, then makes a face. ‘Ew, Magic Mike for some reason. Anyone feel like watching that?’
He glances at me and I wiggle my eyebrows. ‘Well, I’m up for seeing some stripping, but hey, it’s a democracy here. I can see I’m alone on that one.’
Calum barks out a laugh before putting it down and picking up another burnt disk, one which reads 22nd Jump Street. We all nod and he bends over the coffee table, dragging his shirt through the pizza which earns a round of complaining moans, and puts it in the machine.
‘Ew, Calum,’ Michael whines as he reaches over and pulls off a piece of stray string from the pizza. He makes a face. ‘You got string in the pizza.’
Calum shrugs sheepishly as he presses play, settling back into the couch with his legs crossed and a pile on pizza on his plate. The ads start – the usual boring series of advertisements we all half-listen to, the most ironic one being all about the illegality of disk-burning.
It’s then Channing Tatum and Jonah Hills appear on the screen, sporting bandanas and thick black sunglasses with their usual swaggy style. I laugh, which earns looks from the others. Ashton glances at me with a slight smile.
I shrug. ‘This movie always makes me laugh.’
Luke grins at me, puzzled. His lip ring glints in the light from the television in the otherwise completely dark room. ‘It’s just the opening scene, though. Nothing’s happened yet.’
‘I’ve seen it before,’ I clarify. ‘I know what happens next.’
Before long, the others are all in fits of laughter too. As the movie begins to really get going I find myself settling back, remembering with a buzz that Ashton’s arm is right behind my head. I lean into him – I feel edgy, almost, like I’m crossing some kind of line. My entire body floats with a certain, indescribable lightness.
I unknowingly hold my breath as I wait for him to react. After a painstakingly long moment I feel an arm snake around my shoulders, fingers dangling over my bare skin. I let out a breath of something like relief and rest my head on his chest, hearing the thundering of his heart through the thin material of his T-shirt.
After a while I notice a pleasant sensation on my arm, and glance over to find Ashton’s fingers absentmindedly drawing circles, lazy shapes that cause my heart to flutter. It’s the simple, unstructured acts like that that cause my heart to speed up to a thousand miles an hour, and as I rest against him, I feel his heart racing too. When he laughs, the sound reverberates through me.
After a little while my throat gets sore and I push myself gently off Ashton, standing up and stretching out my back. I yawn loudly and draw myself from the seat, my legs slightly numb from being curled up beneath me. ‘Does anyone else want something to drink?’ I ask, and Michael and Calum nod.
Luke suddenly stands too. ‘I’ll come. You won’t be able to carry all that by yourself.’
I glance in surprise at Luke but then smile, despite the burning glare of Ashton at my back. The lanky boy follows me into the kitchen.
All the lights are out, so the room is lit up in moonlight and shadows. Darkness pools like ink in corners, juxtaposed with the bright puddles of moonlight bleeding towards the black. I tentatively make my way to the tap, reaching up for the glasses on the top shelf. I struggle to reach them, propping myself up on my toes as my fingers brush the cool surface of the glass.
‘Here,’ Luke says. I feel him behind me, his body brushing mine as his hand reaches up and takes two glasses for me. Pink crawls across my cheeks as his muscular build stretches out behind me.
He places the glasses on the bench next to me with a gentle sound that seems so loud in the relative silence of the room. I swallow when I don’t feel him move, and I spin myself around and find him staring down at me, heat in his eyes.
His hand reaches up, catching my cheek in a soft grip. I avoid his eyes, a sudden shyness creeping over me.
‘Ellie,’ he says. His voice is hoarse; husky, a deepness to it that causes a stir in my chest. He reaches down, and I almost gasp as he kisses me. It’s a nice kiss – sweet and round, and his hand reaches down and cups the small of my back, tugging me closer. My hands reach up, skirting over the stubble on his cheeks. I feel the push of his lip ring against me.
Suddenly we both pull away. Luke’s eyes are wide – the blue looks grey in the lack of light. His mouth tugs into a dopey smile but I turn away, back towards the bench, eyes flickering over the marble.
Oh god, I think to myself in a slight panic. What am I doing?
‘Ellie?’ He says. I hear concern in his voice. ‘What’s wrong?’
My eyes dart over the cream walls. ‘Nothing,’ I say weakly. ‘Um, nothing at all. I should probably go.’
Luke doesn’t say anything at first. I can hear his breathing mixed with the distant blaring of the television, and he sighs. ‘Okay. If this is about Ashton, then –’
‘It’s not about Ashton,’ I blurt out. The lie slips off my tongue, quick and easy and smooth, and I instantly feel a wave of guilt building inside me. I avert my eyes, ignoring the intensity of Luke’s quizzical stare. My feet shuffle on the ground. ‘I’ll grab my bag. Tell the others I say goodbye.’
Luke looks confused, and just a little bit annoyed. ‘Okay, I guess. You know, if you don’t like me –’
‘I’ll call you later,’ I interrupt. I place my hand on Luke’s chest, almost pleading. ‘Promise.’
His jaw tightens but he nods, so I reach down and sweep up my backpack before moving quickly to the door. I glance back – I see Ashton, laughing at something on screen in that adorable laugh of his. Something unpleasant blossoms inside me, like a rotten flower unfolding.
As my gut stirs I slip out of the door, stepping into the shadows of the night. The streetlights are dim, oval-shaped patches of light on the street. I navigate my way to the footpath and begin walking, folding my arms across my chest as the unpleasantness twists uncomfortably.
My footsteps crunch along loose stones as I shiver against the thin breeze, wrapping my arms around myself for heat and perhaps a slight comfort. I feel somewhat lost – plucked from where everything made sense and dumped into a world of boy troubles and emotions that I’ve never really had to deal with before. Some stupid part of me feels a tiny bit thrilled after I connected the dots at the fact that the two boys seem to be fighting over me.
‘Don’t be an arrogant bitch,’ I mumble to myself as I walk. ‘Ashton doesn’t like you anyway. He’s probably just feeling protective of you, like a brother or something.’
I’m not sure how I feel about that – in fact, thinking about it only makes me feel worse, so I push the thought from my mind. Before I can let myself slip into the depths of my own mind I hear a voice, a little way back, and turn hesitantly to face it. Even though it’s dark I can tell it’s Ashton – the shadowed figure has the same tall, strong build, the tufts of blonde hair caught in the various light sources bleeding into one another.
As soon as I see it’s him I spin quickly, moving back down the path with a pain ferociously tearing at my heart. Confusion sweeps over me at my reaction. I hear Ashton’s heavy footsteps on the pavement.
‘Don’t you dare walk away,’ he yells hotly at my back. I wince at his tone and slow to an eventual stop, eyes glued to the pavement as I stare down at my boots with a hollow stomach. When I hear him come to a stop next to me I look up, and instantly regret it. His eyes are narrowed, a thick film of anger in the darkness of his stare.
‘Luke told us,’ he says eventually. His words are quick, sharp – like a knife jabbing into me. He swallows, a scowl settling onto his face. ‘He came in all, “guess who I just kissed” like the fucking moron he is.’
I suck in a short, painful gasp of air. ‘What?’ I squeak. ‘No, I didn’t, I mean – I, um...’
I let my eyes drop and he makes a frustrated sound, reaching out his hands as if to make me look at him. He pauses halfway and draws his arms to his sides, fists clenched. ‘How do you think I feel, Ellie? Do get some sick pleasure with this whole thing where you lead one guy on, then dump him for his best friend?’
I look up suddenly, eyes widening. ‘What? You like me? As in… like that?’
‘Of course I do!’ he says, voice raising. He stamps out the sudden loudness and clamps his mouth shut, glowering. I feel a surge of anger.
‘How was I supposed to know! You never said anything.’
‘Do I need to say something?’ He yells. ‘Do I need to get out a pen and write it on my forehead? Are you that blind?’
I feel my defence starting to crumble, my anger washing away with it all in a floor of emotions that leaves me feeling weary. I lower my gaze, eyes darting over the tufts of green weeds poking out from between the concrete. Absentmindedly I wonder how they survive, pressed between the two huge slabs of rock.
‘I’m sorry, okay? I guess I didn’t realise.’
Ashton snorts, gaze angrily flitting away. His jaw tightens into a stiff clench, and when he speaks, a layer of irritation sits behind each carefully chosen word. ‘How could you not? So all of that, all that time we spent together, and you didn’t like me at all?’
I suddenly feel weak at the knees. My head spins, and I grab my temples as the words seems to be crumbling down around me. A strange, lightheaded panic washes over me and I shake my head slowly. ‘I don’t know,’ I say quietly. ‘I mean…I don’t know.’
‘Well, when you figure it out, I don’t want to know either,’ Ashton says. His tone is harsh – I look up at his words, hurt spilling onto my face. He doesn’t seem to care – it only makes him angrier. ‘Why do I even fucking bother?’ He points a finger accusingly at me, and I shrink backwards. ‘You know what? Kiss Luke as much as you fucking want. I’m done with this.’
He spins on his heels and starts to storm off, and my stomach drops like a pin. I jog after him, feeling like a fluttering presence as I try to get him to stop. ‘Wait, Ashton! Ashton!’
My hands tug uselessly on his arms and he finally turns and pushes me away. It’s not a rough push – but it’s enough for me to halt my efforts to restrain him. I stare at his back, open-mouthed, as he stalks back into the house.
My arms drop heavily to my side. I feel half-empty – not half-full, as an optimist would perhaps say, because it suddenly feels as if a hole has been punched right through my gut and that was definitely not half-full.
I let myself sink onto the pavement, pressing my back up against the peeling cream fence of Ashton’s house. A hopelessness, like an ugly black stain, spread over me as I let my eyes slip closed and my anguish to fully over take me. I take a shuddering breath and unleash a sob, feeling it deep in each and every bone.
‘I’m such a fucking idiot,’ I cry softly to myself. I tilt my head up and, through the trembling layer of tears obscuring my vision, I see the stars. They are the same as always – but somehow they look dimmer, weaker pinpricks of light like millions of faraway lanterns glowing in the sky.
I wonder if it has to do with all this.
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Hey bebs
Hope you like the chapter <3 sorry I haven’t updated in a while, school’s been a bitch :/
Luv ya,
Nostalgicturtle xx