S i e r r a
How could they do that to me? My boyfriend and my best friend? My boyfriend and my best friend!
Slamming the door to Mike's guest room, I plopped down on the bed and went through their possible thought processes.
I honestly didn't know what to do. If this happened a week ago, I knew what I would do. I would break up with Luke, and avoid Angelle at all costs. It's high school, it's not like it's that hard. But now?
We're not in high school anymore. So what now?
Three knocks pulled me out of my train of thought, and I instantly shut down again. "Go away," I said, knowing it was Luke or someone else about to yell at me.
"Sierra, please," I was surprised to hear Ashton's soft voice come from the other side of the door.
"Ash?"
"Yeah, it's me. Look, I just wanna talk. It's just me, no one else. Can I please come in?"
I thought it over for a minute and decided that I was always able to talk to Ash, and never having to be afraid I would be judged. I stood up from the bed, and, taking a shaky breath, opened the door.
"Hey," Ash said, giving me a soft smile.
"Hi."
"Can... Can I come in?"
I nodded slowly, opening the door wider for him to step inside. He joined me inside and moved to the center of the room, while I closed the door.
"Are you okay?" He asked, hands in the pockets of his black jeans.
"What?" I asked, because well... I wasn't expecting that.
"I know everyone's been focused on everyone else... Makayla, Luke, Calum, Angelle... But no one's asked you. So I'm asking you. Are you okay?"
And then everything hit me. The anger and betrayal dissipated, and the sadness hit me.
Unbelievable.
I am unbelievable.
Yes, they did something horrible, but I was more horrible. If I hadn't lost my best friend before, I certainly did now.
"No." I finally answered him, trying to tamp down my emotions. "I... Why did I do that?" I looked him in the eye, and I could feel tears escaping my own. He wasted no time crossing the room and attacking me with a hug.
"Hey, it's okay." He rubbed my back soothingly, and I pushed him away because I didn't deserve it.
"No, it's not! How could I do that? How could I say those things to her? I don't even recognize me anymore! God, I'm such a bitch!" I realized, wiping my tears away.
"Yeah." He said, and I looked up at him because damn, he's full of surprises today.
"Excuse me?"
"Yeah, you were. But it's okay. You had the right to be a bitch. You had the right to be angry. Did you go too far? Yeah, but she will forgive you." He pushed me over to sit on the bed, while he sat beside me. "You're her best friend. You did something stupid, so did they. Not doing anything stupid things doesn't make you best friends. If you can forgive stupid things, that's what makes you best friends."
"How do you know? Have you ever been in this situation?" I asked because I wasn't so sure I could be forgiven.
"Not exactly."
"What does that mean?"
"I'm gonna tell you something I've never told anyone."
"Ok."
"I've only told a few people this first part, and that wasn't until today... Um, I like boys?"
"What?" I asked, genuinely shocked. Ashton never mentioned anything about that, but then again he never mentioned anyone before, which, now that I think about it, is kinda strange.
"I-I'm gay. I like boys... Woah, not boys, I'm not some perv who likes 12-year-old boys, I mean I like-"
"I get it, honey. I mean, it's not like I saw it coming, but I get it. And it's not like I see you any differently. I love you, and you're still the Ashton I slapped because I thought he was touching my ass..." He laughed at that. He always said he just bumped into me, but I never believed him... Until now, I guess. "Which, now that I know, I guess you weren't doing that after all... Is that all?" I asked, not seeing how this situation is relatable. Ok, that sounded bad, I am so glad he's decided to open up to me, but he said something about a similar situation, and I'm just not getting it.
"Not even close," he sighed out.
"There's more?"
"A lot more." When I nodded for him to go on, he looked genuinely scared, so I reached for his hand.
"Umm... Now, this really is the first time I'm telling anyone this... I said I like boys?" He started, and I nodded for him to go on. "Well, that's not the whole truth... I like boy. Like, one, in particular, probably the only person I've ever liked like that... I-I like Calum."
"Calum, as in skirt-chasing, straight-as-a-ruler Calum?" I asked, and he nodded, scratching the back of his head.
"Yeah, I'm kinda...in love with him, I guess?"
"How long?" I asked, and I tried not to show pity in my voice. But I guess I couldn't help it. Come on! Thinking about watching the person you're in love with and know you could never be with him? I don't mean to sound hopeless, but Calum is straight.
"As long as I can remember," He said, then chuckled to himself, "I mean I only realized it a couple of years ago. Start of my Junior Year, I think, but then I started thinking about how long I've felt that way, and it's basically since 4th grade."
"Ash, I... I don't even know what to say," I reached, running a hand through his hair, and he calmed a bit. Now that I think about it, though, Calum has always been closer to Ash than... anyone. Not Luke, or Michael, or his parents, or even Mali... The only person that even comes close is Makayla. But that's only because he's in love with... Oh.
Oh.
Calum's in love with Ashton.
"But there's more," Ashton said before I could even breathe.
"More?"
"You know Calum's party the other night?" He carried on and after I nodded, he took a deep breath, "Well, Makayla got really drunk, and she... She kissed me," he said, shrugging uncomfortably, "and I didn't stop her."
"So...you're not gay? Sorry, I'm just kind of confused."
"Yeah, me too." He laughed, which made me laugh, and soon we were just laughing, collapsing on our backs on the bed. Soon enough, Ashton had calmed down, "I don't know what I am." He said eventually, and I looked over to him.
"That's okay. You don't have to know. You're 18, Ash, you don't have to know everything about yourself. What's a better time to discover yourself than a zombie apocalypse?"
Ash couldn't help but laugh, saying, "Literally any other time, Sierra..."
"So what're you gonna do now?" I asked.
"I don't know, it's just one giant mess!"
"Ok, so let me get this right... You like Calum, Calum likes Makayla, Makayla and you like each other-"
"I think you've got a pretty decent grasp on the situation," Ashton nodded.
"-and Calum may or may not like you," I said, without thinking, and Ashton's head shot up.
"What?" Ashton sat up abruptly, "No, I never said that..."
"Oh... yeah, sorry." I brushed it off, laughing pathetically. I was mostly talking to myself, and I kinda forgot he was there. I didn't want to tell him I thought Calum liked him, because if he didn't, I didn't want to get his hopes up. But I'm gonna find out.
"Anyway," I said, standing up, "if you'll excuse me, I've got a best friend to apologize to."
-
Coming into the kitchen, a wave of guilt hit me when I saw Angelle. She was curled up on the chair by the kitchen table. She had one leg propped up in front of her, both of her arms crossed over her knee, and her chin resting on her wrist. She had stopped crying, but her face was still red and splotchy, and it broke my heart.
"Hey," I said, from the door, and her head shot up, and she quickly stood up.
"Sierra, you gotta let me explain, you gotta understand..." Before she could go on a full-on ramble, I walked up to her and pulled her into a hug.
"It's ok," I said, pulling away, leaving my hands placed on her shoulders. "Stop. I'm sorry, I overreacted, and I hurt you," I said, brushing her messy hair over her shoulder, " and I'm sorry."
"Really?" She sniffed, her eyes still watery. I nodded, but she still seemed closed off from now, "But I almost kissed your boyfriend...?" She stated, questioningly.
"Yeah, you did," I said, simply, and pulled her hair in a ponytail at the back of her head, with the scrunchie I had on my wrist, "but what I said was not okay. What I said was meant to hurt you, more than what you could ever do would. You're my best friend, my bitch. I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I deserved most of it."
"Maybe. But some of that other stuff... It scared me." I shivered at the thought of the words alone.
"What do you mean?"
"I... I guess that I could say anything like that to you, that I could even think that stuff about you. I know who you are, you're none of those things. It's like I couldn't even control what I was saying." I glanced at her face, still tracked with tears, "God, I'm so fucking sorry," I couldn't help but add because I don't think I could say that enough.
"It's okay," Angelle said, softly, and all I could think was I don't deserve her. How could I ever try to hurt her? "It happens to everyone, I think. I mean, have you heard some of my fights with Calum?"
"Yeah," I said, laughing with her. "Those are pretty bad."
She nodded, then shivered, and I realized Michael kept his house cold. Maybe it's a tactical thing for the apocalypse? I don't know. Either way, all Angelle had on was sweatpants and an old singlet, presumably Luke's, since that's where she was last night. I unzipped the hoodie I was wearing since I already had a tank top, and sweater on underneath, and slipped it over her shoulders, dragging her over to the living room, taking her over to a sofa chair. I gestured for her to sit and she did so, slipping her arms through the sleeves. I sat on her lap, swinging my legs over her lap.
She caught my back with her arms, circling them around my waist. I laughed because at that moment, I felt that nothing had changed when I know everything had.
"What are you gonna do about Luke?" She asked a minute or so of silence.
"I don't know," I said, leaning my head on her shoulder. "Right now, I don't really care."
Those are the last words out of me, before letting sleep overtake me.
-
"Do you think they're awake yet?"
"Shut up, Luke, you're gonna wake them up!"
"Calum, that is my line!"
I peeked one eye half-open to see Michael and Calum whisper-arguing over who gets the right to insult Luke, like the idiots they are.
"Can you guys shut up?" I said, sitting up straight, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. My legs were slung over Angelle's lap, but I was sitting in the chair, instead of her lap.
"Sierra, hey..." Michael laughed, nervously, a bit too loudly, causing Angelle to wake.
"Luke, give me Pengy," I said, referring to Luke's stuffed penguin.
"What?" He tried to act surprised, while the guys snickered behind him. "I didn't-"
"Lucas, I did not get enough sleep to be playing these games. I know you brought him, just let me borrow him."
He sighed and reached for his bag that I filled with clothes, pulling out Pengy. He walked up to the chair and put him in Angelle's arms, which were already searching for something to hold on to. Her face instantly relaxed, as she snuggled into the penguin.
"How did you..." Ashton trailed off, pointing between the three of us.
"She has insomnia... NIght terrors, I think she said. A bit of sleep paralysis, too." Luke started, pulling the blanket to her shoulders.
"She sleeps better with someone. Being held, or holding someone, but stuffed animals, and pillows too, most of the time, especially if she's already asleep." I added, moving hair out of her face that fell from the ponytail in the middle of the night. "Let her sleep, she had a... stressful day," I said, glancing at Luke, almost involuntarily. You guys check on Makayla, or something, yeah?" I said, directed to Ashton and Calum, then turned to Luke, "But you come with me." He didn't even have a chance to react before I was pulling him by the sleeve of his choir sweatshirt, to the other room.
I dragged him into the kitchen, while I heard the boys go up to the second-floor bedroom. Luke refused to look me in the eyes as he stood in the middle of the room, looking at the kitchen tiles as if they held the secret of life in them. His feet resorted back to an old habit, the toes curling into each other, that just looked overall awkward and uncomfortable. We all had done a lot of work to build up Luke's confidence over the past couple of years.
I may still be mad at him, but he is not going back to what he was two years ago.
"Hey, no," I said, walking up to him. I grabbed the sides of his face, forcing him to look up at me. "I'm not mad, not anymore," I said, as he finally looked at me, and I noticed his blue eyes had grown an almost baby blue.
"Really?"
"Well, I am. Just... not as much? I don't know what I'm supposed to do here, Luke. I'm still mad, I'm still...hurting, but I don't want to be. For all we know, the only people we have left are in this house, and I'm not going to throw away two of the best people I've ever met because I'm a stubborn bitch."
"Um... okay?" He asked, more as a question, and I stepped back from him. "So you forgive me?"
"No," I finalized. "But I'm willing to try. I can't just forgive you for pretty much cheating on me, but I want to start. I love you, Luke, but she's my best friend. I need her, and she needs me, and she's been with me, all of my life."
"So you forgive her?"
"I... don't know. But I realized something... something I don't think you understand. She stepped back for me. She liked you first, she liked you when I didn't even know you. Do you know what I realized? She introduced me to you because she wanted my approval for you. She wanted my... permission to date you! And you know what I did? I made out with him! She's been in love with you for two years! Longer than I have! She was a great friend before, but this..."
"What? She's a good friend because she lied to you?" I could feel Luke's defensive shield go up, and I rolled my eyes because, apparently, he wasn't getting it.
"No. She did something I could never do, something I have always been too selfish to do. She gave me you because she thought you would make me happy. She sat back and watched the person she loved fall in love with someone else. Do you know how painful that is?"
"Ok, I get it. I know. I should have seen what was happening two years ago, and I'm sorry... But I didn't, and now we're going through this. So where does that leave us?"
"I'm not breaking up with you. I'm willing to put in work to make this work. I'm putting it on you. I love you, and I love her, and I want you both to be happy. If you love her, be with her. I won't be mad... Will I be sad? Of course, heartbroken, but I won't hold it against you, either of you. If you love me, and it was a fluke, great, but you are on probation. And if you choose me, and this happens again," I said, stepping forward, "I will not hesitate to shoot you in the head and tell everyone you were zombified."
I kept a smile all through my rant, and patted his cheek, as I walked to the door. Right before I got to it, I turned around toward him.
"Now, fix your feet, and get to thinking. It's your decision."
;/A/N:
Hey guys, it's M. So there's like 4 (?) chapters left until the next book. Hope you're enjoying this. Like I've said before, this is Me and A's baby, please love it. (God, I sound desperate.)
ANYWAYS, Merry Christmas/ Happy Hanukkah/ Happy Kwanzaa/Happy Holidays in general peeps. Love you all.