[TW- brief reference to bulimia/eating disorders but only for a second]
-
Hansol was the first to wake up the next morning.
His first waking thoughts were 'Hm, I'm in Seungkwan's bed, cuddling with him.'
His second waking thoughts were 'Oh shit, I have a crush on him now. Fuck, now I'm all nervous. We've slept in the same bed before, we've cuddled countless times, this is no different. Ok I just have to not wake him up yeah?'
He could tell his head was buried in Seungkwan's neck, and his arm was wrapped around his torso. He felt so warm, and protected, and comfortable. This wasn't out of the ordinary for them. For Seungkwan, it was just another best friend sleepover cuddle sesh.
For Hansol however, it was emotional torture.
Hansol slowly opened his eyes; his face was so close to Seungkwan's. If he wanted to, he could lean in and kiss him right then and there. Obviously, he wouldn't, though the thought still crossed his mind anyway.
He contemplated waking Seungkwan up, but decided against it. Waking him up would mean having to get up, and he didn't want to stop cuddling.
Hansol closed his eyes again, sighing as he just enjoyed the moment for a little while longer.
After probably 5 minutes of peaceful bliss, Hansol felt a little tap on his shoulder, "Wake up, sleepyhead," Seungkwan cooed gently, his voice smooth as honey despite him having just awoken.
He slowly opened his eyes, pretending to have woken up just then. Seungkwan hadn't made any effort to get up either.
"Good Morning, Kwannie," he whispered back, slowly sitting up, Seungkwan doing the same.
"How was Black Panther? I think I fell asleep during the movie," he groaned, rubbing his fingers through his hair.
Hansol bit back a stupid grin, "It was great," he lied, as he'd barely been paying attention to most of the movie. He was too busy having his little crisis.
-
Throughout the following week, Hansol discovered a very inconvenient, new problem in his life. Now that he was aware of his feelings for Seungkwan, it made EVERYTHING suddenly awkward.
The two got dressed in Seungkwan's room that first morning, Hansol borrowing Seungkwan's clothes. Despite having changed in front of each other countless time, Hansol now had to look the other way, because he knew his cheeks would be bright red if he watched Seungkwan strip.
In the car on the way to work every morning, Hansol couldn't help but notice that Seungkwan's thigh was firmly pressed up against his. They sit next to each other in the car every damn morning for the last 5 years, but he never seemed to notice until now and it was kinda making him crazy.
Hansol never noticed before how much Seungkwan liked to just,,,touch him. Platonic hand holding, platonic back hugs, platonic cheek kisses, or platonic thigh grabbing. It was too close for comfort, too intimate, and too driving-him-insane.
He never noticed how thoughtful Seungkwan was, how selfless and kind he was to everybody. The way he handed out compliments and advice like it was candy. The way he helped out the Pledis staff members every chance he got.
He'd give someone the shirt off his back if they asked, and Hansol really admired it.
Throughout the week, Hansol tried his best to be normal around Seungkwan. Apparently, his best wasn't good enough, because Seungkwan still asked him what was wrong like 200 times a day. It killed Hansol to keep the secret, but what other choice did he have.
-
"This was the last Melona bar they had, I snagged it for you since its your favorite," Seungkwan said as he returned from the Pledis cafeteria. The two were having lunch inside an empty recording booth, they had to write some lyrics and they wanted a quiet work space.
Hansol grabbed it, flashing him a toothy smile, "Thank you, Seungkwan," he replied, almost in a whisper, his eyes quickly moving back to the blank notebook in his lap.
They sat on the floor, backs up against the wall, their food in front of them. They always worked like that, for some reason it seemed to make them more productive.
Seungkwan took a sip of his water, "Do you have anything yet?"
Hansol sighed, licking his Melona bar. He and Seungkwan needed to have a set of lyrics done by the end of the day and they had nothing, "Not really.." He groaned, hitting his head against the wall.
"I haven't got anything either," he replied, putting his hand on Hansol's knee.
'Oh my god, he's touching your knee right now what do you do?!'
"Seungkwan-ah," he began, not quite knowing where the sentence was going. The words were coming out, but he didn't have much of a say about it, "I've got a song concept. Like,,,they've got feelings for someone that they shouldn't have feelings for. They know nothing good can come of it but they hold onto it anyway because they like pretending that everything is ok.." He trailed off, starting to hastily scribble things down into his notebook.
"That's a good concept. Got any lyrics to go along with it?" Seungkwan asked, raising an eyebrow at him.
"Someone standing right there could be invisible, the butterflies make you wish you were invincible. Divisible, the feelings are permissible. You want nothing more than to say how you feel, but you can't spill your guts or put God at the wheel.." The lyrics just came out of nowhere, they weren't great, but it was enough to get the gears turning.
He paused momentarily, thinking of the next line, "occupying each of my thoughts, I'm sleepless. I could ruin everything, that's only part of my fear. Everyday another challenge and I'm fighting for my life here.
The words are acidic, they're corroding my vocal cords. Prayed to every god, hallelujah, thank the lord. Never thought once you weren't worth dying for. I dont get emotional so what the fuck am I crying for.." His voice cracked at the very end, it may have hit a little too close to home. He looked at Seungkwan, his eyes a little bit misty, "Something like that," he whispered, blinking back the possibility of tears.
Seungkwan was quiet for a moment before clearing his throat and replying, "That was great. Let's use it," he said, sipping his water some more.
Hansol finished scribbling down the lyrics. He put his pen down, sighing and staring at the opposite wall, licking his Melona Popsicle again. The two sat in awkward silence for several moments, tension filling the room. Hansol shifted in his seat, glancing at Seungkwan for a moment before drawing his eyes back to his notebook.
"I think I'm kinda gay," he blurted out. He didn't know why he said it, it just kinda,,happened.
Another beat of silence.
He turned to look at Seungkwan, his face burning red, "I'm gay, Seungkwan," he repeated, his voice barely above a whisper. The room was so quiet, he could hear his own heart beat.
Seungkwan let out a deep breath, putting his arm around Hansol and locking eyes with him, "Me too, but you already knew that," he patted Hansol on the shoulder, "So, when did you know you were gay?"
Hansol had to choose his words carefully, as not to give too much away, "It never crossed my mind until a little while ago, maybe a month ago. I've never really..said it outloud..or told anyone.." He glanced at the ground, rubbing the back of his neck.
Seungkwan held onto Hansol a little tighter, "It takes a lot of guts to come out," he began, sighing, "That's you, Hansol. You've got more confidence than most of us could ever dream of having. I admire it," the corners of his lips perked up into a smile. He ran his fingers through Hansol's hair cutely.
Hansol could feel his chest tightening again. What he wouldn't give to just grab Seungkwan and kiss him right then and there. He sighed, trying to compose himself, "Alright..lets get these lyrics finished and on Jihoon hyung's desk," he said finally, smiling at Seungkwan.
-
2:30am
Hansol laid in bed, sleepless. He stared numbly at the bottom of Soonyoung's bed (they had bunk beds), just lost in his thoughts.
Only one thought went through his mind.
"Seungkwan," he whispered to himself. He'd spend hours thinking about him.
Almost every interaction they'd ever had flashed before his eyes.
Every late night they spent working on choreography, where they collapsed on the practice room floor, drenched in sweat and aching all over, but they still had smiles on their faces because they were having fun and they were together.
Every time they fell asleep huddled together on Seungkwan's bed after one of their movie-marathons, they wake up the next morning to find themselves cuddling, and they'd laugh it off and turn it into a tickle-fight.
The times Hansol broke down into tears right after a comeback stage because he just physically couldn't handle all of the pressure and exhaustion, and Seungkwan let him cry on his shoulder backstage; he was strong so Hansol could be weak for a little while. Hansol really needed to be weak for a little while.
The times Hansol found Seungkwan hunched over the toilet with his fingers down his throat, and he sat with him on the bathroom floor for an hour, wiping his tears and promising that everything would be ok and that things would get better. Things would always get better.
Everything he and Seungkwan went through.
Every smile.
Every hand touch.
Every hug.
Every fight.
Every reconcile.
Every "I love you, man."
All of it.
Hansol's feelings didn't just start on that plane ride back from the MAMAs last month.
He always felt something special for Seungkwan, something that he'd never had with anyone else.
His face felt hot, a tear fell from his eye and trickled down his temple, falling onto his pillow. More tears followed and before he knew it, he was stifling a sob as not to wake up his sleeping roommate. His chest tightened painfully, making it challenging to breath normally. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, covering his mouth with his hands as more hot, salty tears pooled on his pillow case, and he was trying his best to restrain the strangled cries that were escaping his lips without his permission.
'I'm in love with Seungkwan.'
He was fucked. He was absolutely fucked.
If he told Seungkwan how he felt, their friendship would be ruined, or worse, their whole group dynamic would be ruined. That would cause Seventeen's popularity to decline, possibly making Pledis lose a bunch of money, and then they'd have to disband and everyone's life would be ruined all because Hansol had to go and tell Seungkwan how he felt.
So yeah, the crying was warranted.
He took out his phone, searching through his camera roll until he spotted the picture he was looking for. It was a selfie of him and Seungkwan that was taken a couple of months back. Seungkwan had snuck up behind Hansol and pulled him into a tight back hug just before the photo was taken.
They were both smiling so big, they were so happy.
He wished he could still be that Hansol in the picture, the Hansol that didn't know how he felt about Seungkwan. He wished things didn't have to be so awkward between them, but they were. There was no 'fixing' the situation. He was just,,,fucked.
Hansol was fucked. He was fucked because he was hopelessly, embarrassingly, stupidly in love with his best friend.