Chapter 17: Emilia
I'm not sure what to think about this. Breakfast? Outside of the closet? When I had left the bathroom and didn't see Ethan, I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't know whether I should just go back to the closet or if I was allowed to go and find him. I am kind of glad I did. It's easier eating at a table than balancing a plate on my lap. He seemed glad I sat with him this morning, so that was good. I am beginning to earn his trust, I think. First, he didn't drug me last night, and then this morning he let me eat in the kitchen with him? Things were changing. I'm not even tied up right now, but I think maybe he just forgot. I'm sure Ethan meant to.
I don't know what the deal with the books was. I didn't ask for anything to help pass the time. I am okay just sitting here in the dark with nothing to do. Okay, so that probably isn't true, but I wasn't going to ask for anything. He thought of that himself. Was it just a kind gesture, because he felt bad about locking me up? Or was it just the next step in trying to gain my trust so I'd let my guard down? Was not tying me up also a step in trying to gain my trust? This is very confusing. A part of me is seriously beginning to think that maybe Ethan's not so bad. Maybe the Ethan that I talked with and laughed with at the Waffle Hut is the real Ethan. Maybe there is nothing sinister in his plans for me. Another part of me, however, still says not to trust him. Beware his kindness. He must want something from me.
Reaching for the flashlight, I think it is very odd that he just left me sitting here with the door wide open while he ran and got me books. I could have run and might have made it to the front door. I could have done something. Sitting back in my spot, I flip the flashlight on, illuminating the closet. Why didn't I do something? Now that's going to bother me. I could have tried to escape, and yet I stayed here and waited for Ethan to come back, waiting for Ethan to lock me in the closet. Why? I don't know. I couldn't explain why I hadn't moved. I guess I was so confused about what Ethan might be doing that I didn't think of it in time.
Good gracious am I stupid. A chance to run and I didn't take it. I could have made it to freedom. I could have at least screamed and startled the neighbors. I could have done something that would have led to my freedom. Now the possibilities of what might have happened are filling my mind. The consequences of escaping, or at least trying to escape come rushing in. Flicking off the flashlight, I lean my head back against the wall. Why am I such an idiot?
If I had run, if I had gotten out the apartment, I would not have stopped running. I would have run until I was lost. Until I was far enough away to ask for help. I would tell someone who I am and that I needed help. The police would come to question me, my parents would be called, the tabloids would be filled with articles rich with rumors, lies, and ill-informed half-truths. Most importantly, though, I would be free.
If I had screamed, then maybe neighbors would have heard me. They might have called the police. Even if Ethan had caught me, drugged me, and thrown me back into the closet, they might have inspected the apartment. They would have found me. Then I would be rescued and Ethan would be arrested. Most importantly, though, I would be free.
On the other hand, if I had screamed and neighbors had heard me, it might not have mattered. Ethan could have caught me, drugged me, and thrown me back into the closet. When the police showed up, he would tell them it was him who was screaming. He'd hurt himself or saw a spider or whatever. It was nothing. If the police didn't have a warrant or reason to suspect Ethan of wrongdoing, then they would leave. If that had happened, then I probably would have been punished. At best, if Ethan was nice, that would mean being kept sedated and locked up. At worst, that might mean torture or murder.
So, after thinking up that last scenario, I decide I am almost glad I did not try to escape. There was too much risk of failure. If I am in the apartment, then Ethan would easily be able to catch me and wrangle me back to my prison. If all this kindness is an act, then me escaping might break him and turn him into the monster I still think he potentially could be. If it isn't, then I still probably would be kept sedated for who knows how long. Ethan would not be able to trust me. He'd have no choice but to keep drugging me. I don't want that.
No, I need a better plan. If I want to escape, it would have to happen when I am not in the apartment. It would have to be a place where I would not be so easily caught. That poses an obvious problem, though. There is no way on earth Ethan is going to let me out of this apartment. There is too much risk for him. Either I would run or someone would recognize me and call the police. I'm sure there is a missing person's report filed. I'm sure my abduction is in the news. Someone would know who I am and report it. So how do I even make a plan to escape?
Actually, the idea comes pretty easily. I have to make Ethan think I am staying here willingly. That would first mean making Ethan trust me enough to take me out of the apartment. I have to stop hesitating when he reaches to take my hand or invites me to breakfast. I'd just have to do what he wants without thinking it over first. If I start doing what he wants without hesitating, he will see that I'm willing to trust him. He may even think I'm getting comfortable here and settling in. If I can make him trust me, then someday maybe he would be willing to take me outside. I could wear sunglasses and a hat or something to disguise me so people wouldn't look at me and think, 'Oh, there's Emilia! She's here! She's not dead!' Since it's getting close to winter, it probably wouldn't be too hard to be disguised. A heavy coat, a scarf, some gloves, a hat. All those typical winter things would probably make a good disguise. If I didn't look like me, then Ethan might take me out. If he did, then I would have the best chance of escaping.
That only leaves one more issue to worry about. How exactly do I go back to everything after this? There would be questions. Who kidnapped me? What happened? Was I hurt? Was I cared for? Why did this happen? I don't know how I would answer those questions. I could tell the police, the media, my parents everything. I could tell them the whole story, starting with the letters all the way down to Waffle Hut. I could bring Ethan into this, and get him arrested. Then there would be a trial, where I would have to stand before a judge and tell my story. Ethan would go to jail, and I'd go back to my house in California, my show, my life, and try to put everything behind me.
The only thing is I'm not sure I want to bring Ethan into this. For some reason, I don't like picturing him being arrested. I don't like picturing him on trial or wearing an orange jumpsuit. I know he committed a crime and deserves jail, but for some unknown reason I don't want that to happen to him. He seems too nice, to caring. He is kind to me. He had done so much work to make the closet comfortable for me, he always speaks gently and kindly, without a hint of anger. He doesn't seem like a criminal. He doesn't seem like the kind of person who goes to jail. Ethan doesn't deserve to be punished like that.
I do not want to admit it, but I am not afraid of Ethan anymore. He doesn't scare me. He has done nothing so far to make me think he would hurt me. I am more confused than afraid, which is a step in the right direction. I don't want to be afraid all the time, to live my life in fear. If what he wants is to keep me as a pet or make me love him or whatever his intentions are, he is doing a good job of treating me well. Ethan makes sure all my basic necessities are met. I have clean pajamas. I am given decent food. Now he is giving me books to read. As far as being a prisoner goes, this isn't really all that bad. I hate admitting that, but it's true. I had always imagined that if I were ever kidnapped I'd be locked somewhere cold and given nothing but a dirty mattress and a bucket for comfort. Compared to that, this is great.
I do not like admitting that I am starting to settle here. I am pretty smart, I think. Watching all those crime shows teaches a person a thing or two. I am very much aware of the dangers of Stockholm Syndrome, and I am determined that is not going to happen to me. Every time there is an episode of Deadly Encounters or Criminal Behaviors that features a victim with Stockholm Syndrome, I grow so frustrated with that character. How could anyone sympathize with the man who is holding them prisoner? Stockholm Syndrome is where a victim develops a sense of trust or affection for their abductor. That's absolutely ridiculous. Who could ever trust the person that drugs them and locks them up? Not me!
Except, I realize with horror, maybe that is happening. By not being afraid of Ethan any longer, I am starting to trust him. That's the opposite of fear, isn't it? What next, me falling in love with him? This could be bad, really bad. I don't want to fall prey to Stockholm Syndrome. I couldn't trust Ethan. I couldn't develop any affection for him. I would just have to convince myself that his kindness is all an act, tell myself that he must be cruel. He has to have sinister intentions. Telling myself that might be the only way I stay sane in my prison. I have to keep my mind focused on escape. I have to cling to the hope that I would get out of here. I have to.
But, as much as I am telling myself that, I can't help but feel bad for thinking that Ethan has cruel intentions. If he does, wouldn't I have seen that by now? Surely if he wants to hurt me he would have by now. I've been here for two whole days and he's done nothing yet. He even looks remorseful when he ties me up. I can tell he doesn't want to. Maybe I am just being crazy. You can't develop Stockholm Syndrome when your abductor truly is nice, can you? That's absurd.
Ugh, I am so confused. This is the most confused I have ever been. Not knowing what to think of Ethan, not knowing whether to be afraid or not, not knowing anything is really perplexing. I am not changing my initial plan, though. Whether I am confused or not does not change anything. If I make it seem like I'm starting to trust Ethan, then he might let his guard down. He's already starting to. He let me stay out for breakfast. That's a huge step. I have to be submissive and do what he wants. I have to show him that I trust him enough to do what he asks. When he lets his guard down and trusts me, then I will have the chance to escape. My plan will still work. It's just going to take time, and I am going to have to do things that might make me uncomfortable. That's just going to have to be what happens if I ever want the chance to escape.
The whole plan, however, totally hinges on me not actually starting to trust Ethan. It has to be all show. It couldn't be real. I could not actually start to trust him. I could not develop Stockholm Syndrome. I would do what he wants. I will make it look like trust, but I cannot allow myself to actually trust him. If I do, then I will never be free.