War was so entirely messy that you almost understood Levi's obsession with cleanliness.
But it wasn't just the stickiness of the blood on your face, or the sweat plastering itself to your clothes, or the mud that was quickly forming.
It was the mess of information that was quickly becoming your most hated thing – wondering where your friends were, wondering who had been hurt. You understood, glaringly, your weakness; you were an excellent assassin and could hold your own in a fight with ease. But in war, where there was no duel or collection of information or the opportunity to give your enemy one minute of attacking time so that you could glean their weaknesses... You were at a loss. The best you could do was keep your sword moving, keep your enemy's head rolling.
Levi and you had branched out, standing the ground between the titans and the wall of flame. You wouldn't allow the titans to push you back – but even as you had that thought, a titan dove headfirst at you, and you both tumbled to the dirt.
You locked your ankles around their waist and quickly abandoned the sword, going straight for the daggers at your thighs. Their handles were slippery with blood – whether yours or your enemies, you did not know – but that didn't stop you from getting a solid handle on them and plunging them deep into your attacker's stomach and ripping upwards, up through skin and muscle and organ.
Whilst you'd been going for your daggers, the titan had been tearing into your shoulder with brass knuckles so that your entire left arm was slowly turning numb – but once you'd tossed the body aside and scrambled to your feet, you merely armed yourself with your sword in your right hand and continued.
Messy – constant death.
"Y/N," Levi shouted, ducking around a titan so that he could yell cleanly. "Look south!"
You looked south.
The flames at your back did well to light the battlefield before you – but not enough that you could immediately see what Levi had wanted you to. It took a few solid seconds until you spotted a familiar sword arcing through some students, their human bodies crumbling into blood and splintered bone.
Orion had come to play, and his game was death.
For the first time, you didn't want to walk straight up and fight. Fear was lacing itself into your fingers – and pain. Pain was in every breathe you took, rattling inside your lungs. But you still stumbled forwards, joining Levi in the act of carving yourself a path towards your promised partner, the iron ring at your finger strangely hot. Or was it cold? It was getting harder to tell.
You tripped over more than one body on your way to face Orion and forbade yourself from looking at their faces to evaluate whether they were friend or foe or if you recognised them. Levi stormed ahead – not pausing to help you rise, not bothering to check his back.
You did that for him, deflecting the titans to other fighters, keeping the ones you couldn't kill far away from Levi's prowl towards Orion. You'd never seen Levi in serious action before – but you doubted he was normally like this; unguarded, hardly cautious.
Naturally, his talent at killing things was staggeringly obvious, but the man was tired.
He'd already been fighting for an age before you'd gotten to him, although you'd lost track of time since your horse had taken a tumble. But still he stepped forwards, his gear useless with the lack of trees or buildings, but his twin swords unstoppable.
Orion laughed as he saw Levi approach.
He flung out a clawed hand, sweeping titans away so that they formed a sickening circle around the pair – and you. They parted for you, silently watching to see what you'd do. "Even if you manage to kill me," Orion shouted, his onyx eyes alight as he settled them on Levi, "my army surrounding us will fall onto you and tear you apart."
It was true – you and Levi could take on titans with relative ease. But more than ten titans falling onto you both at the same time? Impossible. Your odds in that scenario didn't exist.
"But when I kill you," Levi told him, "there's nothing stopping me from shredding their bones to throw at your corpse."
Orion saw you, then. His eyes widened, and the flame at your back performed a cruel trick that made his eyes spark and flicker with something that could have been delight, could have been something human. "Belua," he said, the way he sighed the word making your heart twist. It almost sounded like worship, the way he said the beast's name. But unfortunately for him, you knew that there was no coming back from being that crippled in the mind.
Your Orion had died long ago – and even if he was still there, somewhere, trapped in his titan's body... You knew he'd be begging for you to kill him, to end him, to end his entrapment with your daggers.
The screams of your people dying around you drew you back into your present situation, and you felt it – the blood lust awakening, sleek, a powerful thing.
For the first time, you didn't fight it.
"He's yours, for now," you told Levi, who looked wickedly delighted at your statement. Because it would make Orion furious, you leaned forwards and pressed your lips quickly to Levi's cheek, closing your eyes for a heartbeat. And then the two of you split up, entering different kinds of carnage.
Him, into a makeshift duel where you should have shone, a circle of titans protecting him from any true protection that could have come to save him.
You, into a war where Levi had proved time and time again was his domain and his area of expertise, flame and blood only helping your vision descend into red.
Blood lust was a titan trait. It was something you'd fought every single time it had attempted to rise in your gut, fearing its disastrous effect. You'd locked Belua away in your mind, fearing her effect, fearing her lack of emotion – only allowing her to take over for the moments where you truly had no care if your attackers were left alive or dead.
But that was if you permitted her to take over.
It was glaringly simple, what you had to do.
Blood lust was a titan trait, and that was not a bad thing, because you were a titan.
You were both a titan and a human, a catastrophic combination of the two. You were Belua, and Y/N, and Pride.
There was no longer any aspect of yourself that you were afraid of. No facet of your personality that was not exactly how it was meant to be, or that you'd apologize for. All of the names you'd collected had built you, had formed you, had hewn you from the stone of the world.
You were Y/N L/N, and you would be nothing but proud of what you were.
You unshackled yourself in your mind, Belua swelling and forming and binding herself to you. You would have once panicked, would have locked her back, would have screamed at her whilst baring teeth of iron. But it did not matter. You were still Y/N L/N, and now – so was she.
You set yourself free.
The white dagger now in your other hand to the sword gripped in your dominant one, you went where your feet desired – straight into the thicket of screams, tearing through bodies that did not bear the symbol of freedom. Mikasa did not smile as she saw you slicing through her attackers; she instead joined you, keeping herself back as though she did not recognise you.
Perhaps she couldn't.
You were no longer a whirlwind of death, but instead something worse and something far more powerful.
The titans that fell at your feet proved it – you blocked their blows with your sword, diving underneath to then slice north with your dagger. Using the dying titans' bodies as shields, you threw false blows that had titans falling for the feints and then falling because you'd already dodged around to kill them.
They were dead before they hit the ground, and you knew it was a kind death.
Mikasa killed the titans that had clocked you and had planned to avoid fighting you head on, sending them crumpling to the ground. She was fierce flame, nimbly hopping from titan to titan as she saw fit. But she kept herself close to you, warily.
She couldn't fight alongside you anymore, for you were no longer the twin to her fighting style – but it was that thought that momentarily halted you. Mikasa stepped forwards, hacking her swords into some poor beast's shoulders. You allowed her to go forwards, now looking at her carefully.
That day that you'd been threatened by the humans, you and she had fought perfectly together, despite never doing so before. Truly twins, truly excellent. You'd had a twin fighter once – and his fighting style was precisely the same as Mikasa Ackerman's. No wonder you had fought so brilliantly at her side.
Orion, son to Kuchel.
You touched understanding before it promptly hit you.
Orion Ackerman.
That was his name – because Kuchel Ackerman had been his mother. Not just his mother – but Levi's. Kenny had told you about her, and you'd remembered the name of the titan you'd beaten only because he'd said her name, not knowing that you'd already met her.
You'd left Levi fighting his brother.
You became aware of the wounds decorating your body – your left leg trembling, your hand steadily dripping blood that had trickled down from a wound on your shoulder, your back sore. But you still turned back to that circle of titans where you knew the two Ackermans were fighting.
Mikasa cried a warning.
Your attention was brought sharply back to yourself, but the sword that you began to slice in a circle did nothing as a blade found itself wedged in your side, just below your ribs. You cried out – you couldn't help it. The pain speared itself through your body, the cold ice of the weapon warming quickly because of the wet heat of your blood drenching it.
Mikasa was there, cutting the titan away, her hand reaching out to you as if you'd collapse.
Your body wanted to collapse – was ready to shut down.
You ignored both as you began to walk steadily towards the two Ackermans. You stabbed the bodies of titans on the ground if they moved, trusting that Mikasa was keeping any onslaught away from your back. She fought silently, but the titans facing her did not.
Their dying sounds were the only constant as your body realized that you weren't going to allow it to stop.
The circle of titans surrounding Levi and Orion did not part for you as they had done the first time – unsurprised or uncaring that you'd come back. "Move," you told them, grimly, using the voice of a Princess.
They did not move.
"Just one person against us?" They instead shouted, guffawing to each other. "Orion said not to kill her, but he's busy."
"I thought you were going to stay out of trouble," Mikasa grumbled, panting behind you as she waved awkwardly at someone far off. "Now we have to – to keep fighting."
"Totally unexpected move," Isabel replied, yelling from the back of her horse and clutching tightly to Farlan's waist with the arm that wasn't wielding the rapier. "She's doing something stupid!"
"I hate running and you just made me run," Jean panted, leaping his way over a few corpses to find his way to you.
A few students that you didn't know had followed Jean, their faces smudged with tears or sweat or blood. You rolled your working shoulder back, not giving the titans any warning as you stabbed one of them in the throat. Isabel laughed in shock as she, too, began circling the group on her horse and attacked in neat swoops, Farlan expertly riding Strawberry around.
Mikasa didn't need prompting to protect the titans prompt resurgence forwards, diving between the beasts and the students.
The titans did not go quietly.
Both Isabel and Strawberry screamed as one of the titans dove in front of the huge mare, spearing the horse in the chest. Farlan did not hesitate to shove Isabel from the saddle, falling to the ground and yelling as his leg was crushed by the dying horse's weight. Isabel stood over them both, trying to buy Farlan time to free himself as she mourned the loss of her beloved horse.
You understood the sorrow but were too concerned with the sight in front of you.
Even without the circle of titans protecting them from outside interruptions, Orion and Levi insisted on facing each other without sacrificing their attention to anything else.
They did not look like brothers.
"You think she'll love you," Orion snarled, diving to the left in an attempt to knock Levi's sword from his hands. "She'll love no one but herself."
"If she loves herself then at least we have loving her in common," Levi replied, stepping briefly to the side – an exhausted move. If he were in top form, you knew, he would've tried to turn that manoeuvre around onto Orion, would've tried to disarm your father's sword from his grip. Orion did not press Levi's dodge – because he too, was tired.
"She loved me," Orion spat. "You weren't there, you didn't see."
"I think she has an Ackerman kink," Levi spat back with equal temper. "Don't take it personally. She'd marry Mikasa any day."
"Mikasa," Orion repeated. "I thought she looked familiar – like our mother."
Levi did not allow himself to be distracted and continued slashing at Orion's torso, only to be blocked by that magnificent sword. "You knew?"
"I watched over Y/N when she slept," Orion said. "She said your name – and mine. She whispered the word Ackerman more times than I could count – and I knew for a fact she didn't know my last name. I knew it had to have been yours."
Levi grinned savagely as he brought his swords down ruthlessly towards Orion's head, only to be swiped effortlessly away. "Jealous, brat?"
Orion's answering smile was terrifying. "You have no idea. I am the one she's engaged to, the one she said yes to; I am the one who fought for her return to us, the one who grew up with her. I'm the one that knows her."
"What is her favourite colour?"
Orion tried not to freeze at the odd question, and he paid for it as Levi took advantage of his lowered guard and sliced at his knees. He roared in pain and stabbed downwards on instinct, slicing a narrow cut onto Levi's shoulder before the shorter Ackerman could get out of Orion's sword's range. "Her favourite colour? Are you insane?"
"Not insane, just in love," Levi simply said, grimacing as he checked his shoulder. "Die sooner, you bastard."
"She. Is. Still. Wearing. My. Ring!" Orion said, swiping at Levi with his sword once for every word. Levi grunted with the effort of parrying each blow but managed to hold his ground. "What does that tell you?"
*
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*
What happened next seemed to take place in slow motion – and you saw it all.
Levi's eyes widened just a fraction, his heel planting but sliding in the mud.
Orion was already moving, his sword aimed for Levi's throat – his chest twisting towards you, unprotected, his smile victorious as he went in to claim the killing blow.
*
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*
And then you saw his eyes wince in shock and felt his surprised breath on your cheek.
It was only possible to feel it because of how close, suddenly, you were.
But your white jewelled dagger had been sunk into his chest up to its leather and amber hilt, and his sword hadn't connected to Levi.
It hadn't torn through Levi – that fact was the first to ring through your mind.
The next was the pain.
Pain that was so great that you couldn't say a thing – only crumple against Orion, forbidding your dagger from coming out of his chest until he drew his last breath.
He dropped the hilt of his sword and tore the dagger out of his torso, staring at the blood spurting from his chest in time with his heartbeat. He then stared at his sword that he'd let go of but hadn't moved from its position.
Because it was impaling you through your side.
You both sunk to your knees in front of each other – you, because your knees were shaking, and feet were turning numb. Him, because he was a dead thing walking and knew it.
Orion and you simply looked at each other, and you understood. You were never meant to survive in this world, a hybrid of human and titan. You and Orion were twins in soul; of course, you'd die together.
And then his body was kicked away from yours, and you were swept into Levi's arms. He brushed your face, sinking into the mud and dirt as he cradled you against his own body. It took you a moment to understand the words that his lips were forming as he shook. "You stupid, stupid, stupid brat –"
You smiled at the sound of his voice. You were never meant to survive this world, but he had made it worth living. "Levi."
"Don't talk," he said, his voice going fast and high. "Don't talk, you're going to be fine, this is fine, I've seen worse –"
"Levi."
"Don't you talk, you're not allowed to leave, OPEN YOUR EYES!"
You hadn't realized that they'd slipped closed – blackness was creeping in, making the fact that you had closed your eyes irrelevant. You reached a hand upwards, smiling as it found the warmth of Levi's body above yours. At some point, he'd gathered you into his lap – must have done, since his torso was leaning over yours.
As if he could somehow protect you from the death that was coming for you.
"Levi."
He ignored your plea, your breath of a word. His hands were fluttering birds as they brushed hair away from your face, stroking every inch of skin that he could, holding you so tightly as if his will alone could keep you tethered to this world.
"What happened to thinking one more? What happened to that swagger, that fire to never give up?"
"It's still there," you whispered, feeling fire on your face and realizing that their source was your own tears. "But there's no need for me to stay here anymore. The titans are mostly gone now."
It was true; the only reason that you had been permitted to watch Levi and Orion's fight was because the humans were winning. The titans would soon be all gone, especially with Orion downed. What use was thinking one more if there were no more? You'd done exactly as you'd promised to do – both versions of you were at peace. All that hurt was the weeping of the man that you were going to leave behind.
Each breath of his were laboured, were fast, were fleeting. "If you die here," he said, in that panting voice of desperation, "then I'll die here too."
Your eyes snapped open at that, and you growled – ignoring the way that blood was lathering your chest, your shoulder, your neck. "If you die," you murmured, well aware that he could hear you, "then I'll never forgive you. Don't you dare insult me by throwing away what I've sacrificed to get humanity to this stage. Don't you... Dare..."
Levi threw his head back to the sky and roared. When he looked back down at you, his own tears splattered onto your cheeks. You weren't sure of when, exactly, his words started to float their descent towards your ears. They had begun to blur into each other, leaving only sentences that broke your heart.
"Don't leave me."
"Don't go where I can't follow."
"It was you and me, from the beginning. It was always going to be you – as if there was a choice. It's always been you and me. Light and dark, sky and ground, water and fire – Y/N and Levi. Remember?"
"Don't leave me on my own."
"Please stay, stay and live, we could go and get food, I could take you on dates, I could let you annoy me, I'd marry you in front of a crowd."
His forehead touched yours. In that moment, there was indeed only you two.
You and Levi. A force of nature, a calamity, a storm, an empire, a pair.
Black and white. Sun and moon. You and Levi.
"Levi?" You rasped, knowing that you were slipping.
"Y/N, Y/N, Y/N –" He was chanting your name as if it were a prayer. On his lips, it sounded like the name of a goddess.
"I love you. Thank you."
Hopefully he would know what you were thanking him for – for this life, for the people he brought into it, for Isabel, for Farlan, for Jean and Eren and the Seven Deadly Sins, for the hope he gave you, for the time that he'd given you, for the million smiles and shared breaths, for the blistering and cooling rage of the love you felt underneath your skin, for the
*
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*
No one talks about how threatening silence can be.
No one talks about how captivating the darkness can be.
Perhaps because the only ones who truly know how threatening and captivating the silence and darkness of death is, are just that.
Dead.