The Girl Diaries: Awkward Honesty
Copyright © 2019 by M. A. Thomas
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission. This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
For information contact:
info@authormathomas.com.au
ISBN-10: 1093427558
ISBN-13: 978-1093427554
First Edition: May 2019
This book is for the lost girls and angry boys I have known. Your teenage years are some of the best and worst times you will face. Always remember that you are not alone in this. The tunnel ends.
Prologue
There are far better things ahead than what we leave behind.
- C. S. Lewis
My mother wakes me with a kiss. "Happy Birthday," she whispers as I squeeze my eyes tightly. Why are weekends so short?
A moment later I felt my cat Jynx start to purr. She was curled up beside me. In the crook of my elbow. I could picture her there, a shiny black patch of fur on an otherwise pink and purple canvas.
I tried and failed to open my eyes. "You should stay home today. We could ditch together."
My mother laughs and sits on the bed, she smooths my hair out of my face, her fingers snagging slightly in the long tendrils that had escaped from my braids. "Your presents are upstairs in the kitchen." She kisses my forehead. "You really should go to school today; you only have three days of term left."
I sit up and groan. "Exactly, three days of hangman and celebrity head. I could learn more at home."
Jynx rolls off her pillow without my arm keeping her propped up. The purring stops. Her yellow eyes stare accusingly at my mother.
"Think about it Rissy Roo," she says and I cringe at her pet name for me.
"I'll think about it," I assure her. I can always log into the parent portal to authorise my absence if I decide not to go. I have done it before. The joys of sharing a home computer and Chrome's auto saving of our password history. Bright orange streaks of colour burn the curtain edges of the windows that line the east facing wall of my room. "What time is it?"
"Almost five," she says, straightening up.
Great. Not. My alarm wasn't set to go off for another hour.
My mother picks up her handbag and lunch cooler that were sitting on the floor before standing.
"Do you want me to get the garage for you?" I ask, even though we both know I don't want to.
She smiles, "Only if you want to." The wrinkles at the edges of her eyes stand out more than usual this morning. Is she wearing make-up to work? In Summer? That's pretty odd, even for my mother.
I get out of bed, the tiles beneath my bare feet are pleasantly cool and do more to wake me than the harsh sunlight that was rapidly invading my downstairs bedroom.
Mum reverses the car, painstakingly slow, pausing halfway out to tuck in the side mirrors of her brand-new Subaru. When she finally swings the ocean blue coloured SUV out into the street, I grab the milk crate that sits next to the mower, turn it over and use it to reach the handle of the garage door.
I wish we had an automatic roller door. Mum should have used some of her inheritance money from Opa's estate to renovate this tired old house instead of buying that seven-seater monstrosity of a car. Not that I mind us finally having a car with air-conditioning, but it just looks so out of place. No one else in this street have new cars. Most people in this street don't even own working cars. Not to mention there's only the two of us. What do we need the other five seats for?
In the kitchen.
Our other cat is curled up asleep on the floor in front of the sink. I will have to risk her wrath to switch the jug on but a cup of English Breakfast while I open my gifts will be worth it.
As expected, she scratches me for daring to disturb her. "God, I hate you Princess," I say as she darts away hissing into the lounge area. My mother's cat, a Sphynx, has an unfortunate body to match her personality. My legs are a road map of scars. A testament to years of her inbred rage. I rub a good dollop of Savlon cream from the fridge against my latest laceration and get on with brewing my tea. While I wait, I think longingly of the time before Princess joined our household. If only my aunt hadn't gone through her fascination with ancient Egypt phase. If only my cousin Tash didn't have an allergy to even hairless cats. If only my mother wasn't such a pushover.
I hear my alarm going off downstairs as I open the first immaculately wrapped present from the pile. A new set of Prismacolor's from my father and almost stepmother Katerina. They splurged for the 150 pack. That must be the divorce guilt.
Hard to believe it's only been three years since my parents split up and mum moved us here to .
I put the pencil case on the chair beside me and grabbed another gift bag from the table. It is covered in teddy bears dressed up as pirates. This one has to be from my aunt. She's mad about everything skull and crossbones at the moment much to the embarrassment of her daughter.
Inside was a couple of moleskin notebooks and a fifty-dollar gift voucher for The Book Nook, a cafe at the local library. My cousin Tash must have told her to buy it after I gushed over the chocolate frappes they sell there to her a couple of weeks ago.
I let myself feel sad for a moment that I am probably going to blow through this in the first week of the Christmas holidays seeing as I have nothing better to do with my time. I mean it's not like I have friends to hang out with, what else is there to do asides read in a town this small?
I take a last gulp of my milky tea and reach for the next present. Clothes. Two dresses. Both with elbow length sleeves with way too much lace on them.
The card my mother had tucked in between them slides to the floor as I hold the first one up. It is a very bright yellow. One might call it a mixture of sunshine and canary. This is the sort of dress, if I did wear it out, that would attract far too much attention. The sort of attention that would probably start up renewed chants of Clairy Fairy from the douche trio.
With a sigh I fold it up neatly and place it back on the table, resigned to wear it out at least once before sneaking it into the second-hand donation bin. I hold up the second outfit. It was only marginally better. Soft blue with floral buttons all the way down the front and a bateau collar. After neatly placing it with the other one I retrieve the envelope from beneath my chair.
To My Darling Clairissa,
Today is your birthday, and at three minutes past seven in the morning you will turn thirteen years old. You will officially say goodbye to your childhood and be considered a teenager. This has been the fastest thirteen years of my life. You are my first daughter. The child I always longed to have. You are beautiful, intelligent and thoughtful. I love you and look forward to getting to know the woman you will become.
I know things haven't always been easy for us since we left your father and the farm. You have had to adjust to a new lifestyle and routine, often times without me. I am proud of your resilience. You are doing so well in high school and I have no doubt you will continue to flourish through these next five years as you reach adulthood. I know I am not perfect and have made mistakes, but you are not one of them. I love you and your brother Reid more than anything else and no matter how old you are, I will always keep you in my heart.
As you enter your formative years, you will have your first job, first love, first car and you will start to look to your friends more than your family for guidance. That's okay. Sometimes life will be hard, but you will keep going. With each day you will grow and let go of me a little more but don't forget I will always be here for you if you want to talk.
Love Mumma Bear
6:28 a.m.
I read the letter twice over before taking it downstairs and pinning it to the brick wall at the head of my bed where I keep all the things that matter. I secured it next to a picture of me arm in arm with Ella and Kate.
I touch the curling edge of the photograph and all the happiness my mother's words had conjured dissipated in an instant.
Isabella Reinke and Katherine Fairchild were my best friends, or at least they were for the two years we were in the same classes. That isn't the case anymore.
I don't know why I still have that photo up there. Every time I see us smiling together, arm in arm in front of the ocean backdrop, I feel like I can't breathe.
In three days, it will be exactly one year since I spoke to either of them. My last birthday wasn't as lonely as this one will be.
A strange cold feeling comes over me as I reach up to take down the last remaining evidence of two years of friendship, my heart feels heavy, like solid ice, my eyes begin to sting. I can't do it. Somewhere, in the most pathetic depths of my soul, I still hold out hope that they will change their minds about me.
I tear my eyes away from the picture and open my cupboard to find my school uniform. My alarm goes off again and I pick up the vintage clock on my bedside table and hit the reset button. I sigh as I place it back down. "Normal teenagers would have an alarm on their phone," I say, too annoyed not speak my frustration out loud. The house feels empty in the silence that follows and I find myself thinking, not for the first time, how pointless and repetitive my entire life is without Ella and Kate in it. School, chores, band practice, homework, repeat. The worst feeling I've ever felt in my life comes over me as I stand beside my bed and stare at clock, pondering the likelihood of another twelve months of this existence.
Knock Knock Knock. "Riss!" calls a hoarse but familiar voice. "Answer the door birthday girl."
The voice was so unexpected that I dropped the pleated skirt I'd been holding.
The knocking continued. "Are you awake in there?" calls Jade Mouncey, her lilted accent more prominent the louder her voice rises.
"Coming," I yell as I grab the rest of my clothes, hastily closing my cupboard door. I fumble with the security chain and Jade laughs from the other side of the heavy stained-glass feature door as I curse my own ineptitude. I open the door to reveal my favourite study buddy, or more accurately, my only study buddy, in all her five-foot five glory.
She smiles down her straight, lightly freckled nose at me, her brown hair is loose today, nearly reaching her waist. It is almost as long as my own, but quite a few shades darker.
In her hands is a box. A box that has been skilfully decorated with hand drawn flowers. "Welcome to teenagedom," she says, holding it out for me.
I jut out my chin and point to the pimple that is there. "I got that memo thanks. Does mother nature have a refund policy do you think?"
She grins broadly, perfect teeth shining out between her pink lips. She nudges me with the box. "Doubtful. I left the receipt in here though. If you want, you can return what I got you."
I shook my head and took the offered present, running my fingertips over the detailed petals of the large hibiscus flower on the lid. She must have spent hours decorating this. "I'm sure it's awesome, you didn't have to get me anything you know."
"I know, but I overheard you telling Alistair you didn't want to have a party for your birthday, and I figured I would give it to you anyway, seeing as I had already bought it." Wow. Someone not related to me remembered my birthday. Two someone's if you count Alistair Tam, though he likely only remembers my birthday because it is two days before his own.
I step outside, painfully aware that I am wearing a pair of unicorn print pyjamas and anyone can see me. "How did you know where I lived?" I ask as I lift the lid. I'd never had anyone over since starting high school this year. Exactly why I didn't want a party, asides family, who would I invite?
"Nate told me."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, he said his parents helped your mum move." That's right, the Brady family lent us their trailer. His mother and mine worked together for a few years before she married my dad and had me. I always forget they know each other because she never invites them around. She never invites anyone around except for my aunts and uncles.
I lift the lid and inside is a sequined make-up case. Rainbows dance against the sides of the box in the sun. "Look inside," Jade prompts me, her tone unusually eager.
I do my best impression of genuine excitement and unzip the case. Mineral makeup, gold cream eyeshadow and an assortment of lip-gloss. I smile. This is easily the best present I'd been given yet. The only thing that could top this would be a mobile phone, but those hopes have already been crushed.
"If the foundation is the wrong colour you can swap it. That's why I kept the docket. You do like rainbows, don't you?"
"Huh?"
"Your bag tag, it's a rainbow."
I put the box down and hug her. Impressed she had noticed and remembered such a thing. "Thank you, yes I totally do."
"Okay, you're welcome. Stop strangling me." I relaxed my grip minutely. Jade laughs and extricates herself. "Happy Birthday Clairissa."
"I actually prefer Riss," I tell her before sitting down on the bench beside her to inspect my new beauty products.
"Riss it is," Jade says peering over my shoulder. "That one," she points to an already opened tube of lipstick. "Is one I was given but the colour is wrong on me. You have green eyes so you would suit that orangey red much better." Jade's encyclopaedic knowledge of art extends to even the facial kind apparently.
"You know, the only makeup I have is stuff you've given me. My mum won't buy it for me."
"My mum was like that when I was younger too," Jade said, her tone wistful. Like she's so old, she is only a year older than me at most. "Nearly all of the stuff I have comes from my older sister anyway, so I am used to sharing."
I nodded. I have an older sister as well, Natalie, my dad's daughter from his first marriage. I can't remember ever living with her though, she was nearly out of school while I was still in diapers, so we aren't exactly close enough to share cosmetics.
7:41 a.m.
After Jade left on her bike to let me finish getting ready for school all the bad feelings of the morning rushed over me again. The anxiety about what my life had become since I earned an advanced placement scholarship. The fear of expectations from the adults around me now that I was officially a teenager. The certainty that something terrible was about to happen today and I shouldn't lace up my shoes; I shouldn't pack my lunch; I shouldn't go to school at all.