I'm trying something different. There's going to be slight third person POV's in here but I'm going to attempt to make the transition very smooth between them.
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Art: Ocean Spirit by Nymre
Zuko betrayed me.
The Earth Kingdom had fallen.
I was bloodbending, not just one person but a whole army.
I threatened to kill Iroh, I nearly killed Zuko.
I had become something... something that was not me... something inhuman.
All of these memories, most of them out-of-body, surged through my mind as I attempted to meditate. I wanted answers. I wasn't sure how I would get them, but this was the only thing I could think of. At the very least, I finally understood that water encasing feeling that happened every other time I meditated. It reflected what happened when I became water or, as Iroh put it, my spirit. How it worked, I still wasn't sure.
I wished I could ask Iroh. He seemed to know more than he'd previously let on. I had been so enthralled in Zuko and telling him the truth of my dreams that I hadn't even bothered to go to Iroh. What did he know, and was he even alive anymore to tell me? I couldn't imagine Azula being merciful to a traitor.
I wanted to think that Zuko wouldn't allow any harm to come to the man, but I didn't know what to believe anymore. Once upon a time, I also believed he wouldn't allow any harm to come to me. I was even beginning to believe that he wouldn't harm my loved ones. I was wrong.
I had not yet cried. I wanted to. I wanted to so badly that my head ached, and my throat was constantly tight.
The minute I had woken up on Appa's saddle and realized everything that had happened was real, I had nearly broken down. My instinct to not let a tear slip in front of my siblings was stronger than my heartbreak.
Nonetheless, I could always feel it bubbling under the surface. That urge to break down with my full body, to let my tears run free, to open my mouth and let whatever sound come out, whether it was a scream or a whimper. I wanted to beg for help, to beg for my mom. Isn't that where so many people go when their heart is broken, to their mother?
I couldn't stop thinking about her. I wanted to curl up in her lap. I tried to remember her voice and that soothing hum she always did, but it was too long ago. I did have a memory to cling onto, though, even if it was muted. I was very young. I'd gotten stuck in the snow too long and was nearly hypothermic. My mother had held me that whole night, rocking me and humming. It was the only memory I had growing up of feeling truly warm.
I never realized before how much I preferred the warmth. Not until it had been taken away. First, my mother and now Zuko. No matter what I did, I couldn't stay warm.
"Kida."
My eyes slid open, finding the row of candles sitting on the table in front of me. I already knew who the speaker was. His voice had deepened with age but I could still recognize it. The day I couldn't recognize Bane would be the day that I was truly lost.
I didn't look at him. I didn't want to, not right now. "The only reason you should be interrupting me is if you have news about the Avatar."
The person disregarded the tension in my voice, taking a step farther into the room. "Everyone is worried about you," he said. "You should come out and eat something."
I turned my head just enough to see the young man's rough figure. "Is Aang awake yet?"
"No..."
"Then go away," I hissed.
"Kida," he tried again.
"I'm meditating." I closed my eyes again and tried to get back to my concentration. "Leave me alone."
I could feel my childhood friend still hovering in the room for a moment longer, but he eventually gave up and left.
After we left Ba Sing Se, we met up with the Southern Water Tribe fleet in Chameleon Bay. We all managed to take over a Fire Nation vessel to disguise us as we entered their territory. Once I was no longer needed to fight, I retreated to my own quarters and barely spoke to anyone. It was the best I could do. Not only was I not in the mood to talk to my father or the others, but I also had too much to figure out. What I had done in Ba Sing Se needed to be understood before I let go of it.
Nevertheless, I didn't go back to meditation immediately. My gaze became stuck on the candles in front of me. Not even their flames could thaw me now. The chill in my body went deeper than my bones. It twisted around my lungs and penetrated my heart. I was stone cold.
I tried to concentrate on the heat sweeping across my face. The small lights swirled as if dancing to an ancient song humanity could no longer hear. Something in it had a power. The way the candles were lined up, it was as if they were a row of soldiers waiting to be called to battle.
I had spent my whole life staring into flames. Even before I met Zuko, when I still hated the Fire Nation with every fiber of my being, fire had been essential to life in the south. I could never truly hate it. Not even now, I still saw the beauty I had always seen before. I would never be able to tear my eyes away completely. More importantly, I didn't want to especially now.
Maybe I'd never be able to stay warm, but that didn't mean it wasn't useful. The Fire Nation couldn't be saved, not all of it. Some of it would have to perish. That was the only path they had set out for themselves. If they kept playing with fire, then one day they would get burned, and I would be there to feel the warmth.
In what felt like only minutes later, but was more likely hours, I heard my door opened again. "Kida," another person spoke.
"Go away, Katara."
"Aren't you at least hungry?" she asked. "When was the last time you ate?"
"I don't need food. I need to concentrate."
"You're scaring everyone," she said, taking another step into the room. "Aang is still unconscious, and we're all worried about him enough as it is. We can't have you just stop talking."
"I'm talking right now, aren't I?" I seethed at her, finally opening my eyes and looking back at the girl.
My little sister's eyes were wide, both fear and sorrow swirling in her dark blue irises. I had to look away, but my gaze found her hands, which were balled up against her chest, the same thing mom always used to do when she was anxious. "Please, just come out for a little while."
"I'm doing you a favor, Kat," I looked away again, returning to my position, "you don't want me out there yet."
"So what? You're just going to stay in here like a hermit? I know you're upset about Zuko but-"
I snapped my head around to glare daggers at my sister. "This isn't about him." I couldn't even stand to say his name.
"Please," she scoffed, "look at the state of this room."
She gestured around the small metal room that had once been the spitting image of my old quarters on Zuko's ship. Now it was only a shell. My feet had carried me here instinctively after we'd captured the ship, the significance of this action only occurring to me a moment after I found myself in the doorway.
What happened next was the only outburst I'd had since we had left Ba Sing Se. I hadn't cried, but I had gotten angry.
Now the walls were bare. The Fire Nation emblem was a pile of material beside the bed. A decorative mask on the wall had been ripped down and was still lying cracked by the door. Everything that had been on the tables laid on the ground in disarray. The only thing that had been saved were the candles, which was only because their waxy bodies didn't break upon impact with the ground.
I spoke on a slow growl, "Just go."
Again, the person trying to coax me out hovered in the doorway. She didn't silently go away like Bane did, however. "Fine!" she snapped. "If you aren't going to come out here, then just go ahead and become a hermit." The door slammed shut after her outburst, but I still didn't move.
At least she wasn't calling me a traitor anymore. My sister was no longer angry with me for being in Ba Sing Se, but I think it was because she had no choice but not to be. Things were already going bad enough for us. The Earth Kingdom had fallen, the Avatar nearly died and was still unconscious, and we were stuck hiding on this spirit forsaken ship.
***
Meanwhile elsewhere...
Zuko laid sleeping, engulfed in the silk red sheets he was once used to. They were warmer than he remembered, the tight thread trapping in heat that he was forced to soak in. The heat only added to his discomfort; the ghost haunting his dreams, making him wither.
He was beginning to realize that some sort of mistake had to have been made. Why? Well, because Kida wasn't next to him anymore. She should be there. When his eyes would roll open, his mind still holding onto his dreams, the darkness would twist into a faint image of her sleeping form beside him. He only fell for it once, reaching out to touch the pool of dark hair only for it to vanish beneath his fingers.
He turned back into his sleep, trying with the best of his ability to forget. He couldn't. Her ghost would not let him sleep peacefully.
He was not picturing the monster that made him and an army of earthbenders bow. He was picturing his Kida. His mind tortured him with her various expression before that. How happy she looked when she was running towards him in the cavern. Then there was the shame and pain that clouded her features when she saw him free his sister from hers. Lastly, how she stood still for so long, completely retreating into her mind after she realized what he was doing.
He always knew that they were on different sides of the war, but he couldn't understand why she would look at him like that. He wasn't doing anything evil. He was saving his sister. He was trying to be loyal to his country. How was that wrong? And yet so much hate had filled her eyes when she jumped between them and her sister.
"And you can't be saved, Fire Nation scum." He couldn't believe those words were said by the same girl who said, "There are families on both sides of a war. There are probably Fire Nation families with the same exact story as mine, or worse."
They couldn't be the same. He refused to believe it. She was not whatever that thing was that took over her, that covered her body in water and made her do to him what she swore she'd never do.
"I will flood the Fire Nation."
Zuko jolted upright in his bed. Cold sweat clung to his body, his lungs heaving out, burning gusts of air. His eyes stung.
What had he done?
***
Zuko wasn't the only one whose mind was centered on the young woman. Back on the captive ship, darting glances and hushed voices muttered their own concerns.
Most of the Southern Water Tribe men had come together for dinner in the mess hall. Many used mindless conversations to ease the tension which filled the ship lately. However, even old memories couldn't rest some minds.
Chief Hakoda, Bato, Bane, and Sokka sat around a fire pit in the room's center. Sokka was speaking to Bato, but it was a stiff conversation, both well aware of the other men who barely spoke nowadays.
Bane's mind was too filled with worry for his childhood friend to be pleasant. He had expected to find her waiting with open arms. Instead, he'd been greeted with a scowl. He would have assumed it was personal if it wasn't for the look in her eyes. They were cold and distant. She was far elsewhere with her worries. It was as if she saw nothing happening in front of her. Her only concern as of late was the Avatar's status, and he hadn't stirred in three days.
What made all of this worse was that he'd seen that look before. She was retreating. Something had happened, and she was trying to force herself to forget it. He couldn't be the only one to see it either. "Chief?" he asked, earning the man's attention. "Kida, the way she's acting..." He looked away from the flames to the girl's father. "Do you think it happened again?"
The man's blue eyes became dark. He looked away, a sort of shame coming over his face. Sokka spoke before anyone else did. "What are you talking about? What happened again?"
"You mean," Hakoda began, "did she kill again? It could be."
"What?" Katara asked, suddenly appearing behind the empty seat around the fire.
Bane raised his hands and rapidly shook his head. "No, I didn't mean to bring it up in front of both of you."
"No, it's probably time they know," the chief sighed.
"Know what?" Sokka demanded.
Hakoda gave a wary glance to his friend beside him, who had also been there during the dilemma. Some others were listening in as well because most knew what had happened. They tried to discount it the best they could out of respect for their chief and his family.
Hakoda sighed, his eyes seeping into the fire pit as he began the story. "When your sister was younger, she had a fierce desire to learn waterbending. She constantly trained herself in the art, so much so that I wouldn't be surprised if you hardly remembered her being around in your younger years..."
"She was amazing at it," Bane picked up where the chief seemed to trail off. "I used to watch her train all the time. Watching her, it was hard to tell where her body stopped and the water started, even at as young as ten-years-old. She didn't like practicing around the village after..." His eyes found the chief's, which had become stone cold. The boy instantly backed away from that topic. "Well, that's a different story."
He picked up one of the metal rods used to stoke the fire and began to prod at the glowing bricks of wood. "What matters is one day we went alone to practice. It wasn't too far from the village but far enough that we wouldn't disturb anyone. She noticed something was wrong first. She said it was too quiet. She was right, of course – I should have noticed it too. They must have been lying in wait because it wasn't long after that they attacked." One of the bricks he touched slipped off the pile and let out a loud hiss, a plume of embers jumping into the stagnant air.
"We were ambushed by three firebenders. Apparently, they were part of a group that was supposed to be spying on us, scouting for waterbenders in the Southern Water Tribe. All I remember are those soulless masks. It was like looking at death himself." A cold chill ran down his spine, and he stopped coaxing the fire. "I managed to get away, but I couldn't help Kida alone, so I went to get help. By the time we all returned..."
Hakoda took over once again, where his memory allowed him. "By the time we got there, all three firebenders were dead in the snow. Only Kida was left standing alone in the center. To this day, I still don't know what actually happened because she refused to talk to us about it. Afterward, she insisted that she didn't remember anything but I don't know how that's possible. I guess she could have repressed it somehow."
A long sigh left Hakoda's mouth, he tugged his hand through his hair, disturbing the braids framing his face, the beads clicking together. This didn't seem to be enough to erase the memory which had long been burnt into his brain. He brought both of his hands up scrubbing his face quickly and pushing off any emotion which lingered.
His hand still lingering on his jaw, he went on. "She stopped practicing anywhere close to the village or with anyone around." Another sigh left his mouth and he dropped both arms over his knees. "I guess she feared she would hurt people. I never actually saw her waterbend again. Then, on the day of the raid, she was away training and..." He swallowed and blinked twice at the flickering flames in front of him. "After your mother died, she just stopped. She never even left to practice by herself. I think-" He shook his head, jaw tight. " I think she blamed herself for not being there to save her when she thought that she could have."
"Did you blame her?" Katara asked suddenly. "She said you trained her to be a soldier."
"A soldier?" Hakoda repeated. He shook his head hard until his face gradually fell and his eyes became locked on the cold, metal ground. "I..." A shaky sigh left his mouth. "I suppose she has a point. I did, didn't I?"
Bato spoke for the first time, seeing the pain on his friend's face. "You only did what you thought was best for her."
Hakoda gave his head another hard shake. "No, I did to her what my father did to me. I didn't bother trying to find another way. I didn't know how to raise a waterbender, so I raised a warrior instead."
"What are you talking about?" Katara questioned. "You never tried to hold me back from waterbending."
He met the dark blue gaze of his youngest daughter. It was the first time she'd truly looked at him since they reunited. "I never held you back, but I never exactly tried to support you either. Your sister did that, up until the raid at least – then she got scared. She never let us do to you what we did to her, though."
"Did to her?" Katara repeated, her voice growing dark. "What did you do to her?"
Hakoda's eyes fell closed. "Your sister, when she was young, was very emotional. Mixed with her bending ability... She caused a lot of damage. You have to understand, our whole generation had never seen a waterbender before. The only ones who remembered them were people like my parents. We didn't know what to do. Many people were scared that she would attract the Fire Nation's attention. So..." His voice shook, and he looked down at his calloused hands that were worn from years of wielding weapons. "I taught her how to bottle up her emotions like any good warrior could and trained her how to fight without bending."
Hakoda glanced at Katara once again but couldn't bring himself to hold her gaze. "She never wanted that for you, though. The minute we realized you were a waterbender too, she stuck to you like glue. She always told you it was okay to cry."
Katara brow became knotted. "But, I only remember mom helping me."
Hakoda's head snapped up. He stared at the confused expression on his child's face. "Your mother?"
Katara nodded profusely. "She was always supportive of our waterbending. I remember her always coming with me when I wanted to practice."
Hakoda slid a glance towards Bato, who looked just as perplexed as Hakoda felt. A realization gradually came to the man. She had confused them. "Yes, well, they both helped some, I suppose. You were very young, it's easy to forget."
"So," Sokka finally spoke up, "the way she's acting now...is how she acted when she killed those men?" Both Bane and Hakoda nodded. "You think that means she killed someone in Ba Sing Se."
"Yes," Bane agreed. "Or at least did something she isn't proud of. She hates hurting people. As much as she tries to get rid of her feelings, she can't do it. She loves people too much."
***
I continued to sit silently in my room. Hours and minutes were virtually the same, but I wasn't getting any leads.
I couldn't even manage to slide back into my usual state when meditating. The cool feeling around my body would not come back. The storm in my mind raged too violently to allow the placid coating to return.
Every time I closed my eyes, I was either back in the catacombs or somewhere else completely. My thoughts were still going to my mother. However, even if she was still around, I'm not sure if she'd want to be around me.
The door creaked open once again. I didn't even bother opening my eyes, although my brow became a knot. "Go away, Katara."
Instead of hearing my sister's voice, there was a low gravely sound of a man clearing his throat. My eyes snapped open. I twisted around and found the act of speaking extremely difficult.
My father stood in the doorway of the room. He was everything I remembered. A tall, broad-shouldered man with course features and a hard brow. Some age had come for him in the wrinkles around his eyes and mouth, and a few stray gray hairs which were mostly hidden in his braids - the ones which were not much unlike the ones I used to wear. Otherwise, he was the same. The same man who left me behind.
"What do you want?" I finally found my voice before turning away from him again.
"We need to talk." Seemingly only to add to my ire, he took another step into the room and closed the door behind him. My hands became fists on my knees. "Bato told me what you said to him."
I swallowed hard at the memory of my last encounter with my father's best friend. "You can tell him that he doesn't have to worry about losing me. He already has."
"That was sort of the point of me telling him," I hissed. "I have nothing to say to you."
"Kida," he snapped. His scolding seemed instinctive, and so was the way I instantly straightened my back. Our interactions were too automatic. Years of my father training me to be the most respectful and disciplined warrior on the field had done that.
While every other warrior could admit when they had reached their breaking point, I was expected not to have one. I was scolded when I got angry, and I was tempered when I got sad. I wasn't allowed to show emotions. They were still there, of course, especially anger. I could always feel angry.
I slid a glare towards the man over my shoulder.
"I'm sorry. That's not-"A long sigh left his mouth, and he took another step into the room. "Please, Kida, talk to me."
"About what? You obviously didn't have much to say to me before you left." My gaze dropped to my lap, my voice becoming thick. "You hardly even looked at me before you left. Why should I treat you any differently now?"
"I did all of those things because I knew if I so much as looked at you, I'd want to take you with us."
I jumped to my feet and spun around to face him. "Then, why didn't you? You trained me for as long as I could remember to be a warrior. Even gramps taught me how to hold a bow when I was eight. You all knew I was made to fight. So I don't know what I did to deserve you treating me this way. I was loyal to you, Dad. I fought the hardest, I listened the best, I was the most disciplined warrior you ever had. And what did you do to thank me? You left me behind. You treated me like a child."
"You are a child!" he roared. "You are my child." I fell silent, not able to find my voice again after his outburst. A faint memory resurfaced, and I couldn't find the will to open my mouth.
Hakoda spoke instead. "Your mother's death," he swallowed hard and shook his head side-to-side, "it almost killed me. I can't watch my children die too. I won't."
I swallowed away my instinctive silence. My voice shook, but I still spoke, "I gave you everything I had...and you just left me. We already lost gramps, we just lost mom, and then you..." My voice broke off, and he couldn't meet my eyes. "...You walked away, and you didn't even take me with? You didn't even give me a real reason."
"I was going to," he insisted, and I remembered what Bato had said.
Maybe if my father had been the one to tell me this first, then it would have made a difference, but I was too angry. I was too lost. "I don't care what you were going to do," I roared, "I care about what you did. You made me a warrior. You made me what I am. I don't-" My throat was becoming too thick to push words out. "I don't know how to do anything else. You had no right to try to take it away from me!" Hakoda flinched as my words came to a sharp end. I looked away, my eyes finding the pile of material that was once a banner on the ground. "If you had taken me, maybe none of this would have happened."
Hakoda remained silent for a long moment. I felt his eyes assessing me. My father was likely the only person in the world who could actually see through me. "Kida, what happened in Ba Sing Se? Did someone get hurt?"
Images flashed in front of my eyes. Jet being dragged away. Aang falling from the sky, his body swathed in smoke. A whole army kneeling before me against their will. "Yes."
Hakoda heaved a heavy sigh. He didn't say anything, only stared at me. There was something bone-chillingly familiar about it, but I couldn't remember what had happened last time to cause it.
"Why did you leave me?" my voice was small. I barely realized I had spoken out loud at all. "Why does everyone leave me? Why wasn't I good enough?"
"Kida." He reached forward to touch my face but instantly flinched back. My glare was hard. The glass-like child that had been in my voice had vanished; all that was left was a broken shard, sharp enough to cut flesh.
He swallowed hard, and it felt like he had to talk himself into maintaining eye contact with me. "I am so sorry I left you behind." I realized in an instant that it wasn't fear in his gaze but shame, the shame of himself. "Leaving you and your siblings was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and not bringing you with was my greatest mistake. I was selfish. I've always been selfish with you.
"I put too much on your shoulders. I made you grow up too fast. You took care of your siblings. You took care of me." He shook his head with a sigh. "You don't even get any credit for it." He tilted his head, his eyes becoming quizzical. "Katara even believes your mother helped her with her bending?"
My jaw tensed. I nodded slowly. "Yes."
"Your mother wanted nothing to do with bending. She always believed it was too dangerous. You're the one who helped your sister."
I looked down at the metal floor. "Yes." I pried apart my teeth to speak, although my voice remained quiet. "She was young; she must have confused us. I never corrected her. I didn't want to ruin her memories."
Sudden considerations came to mind as to how he would know this. My head snapped up, eyes wide on the man. "You didn't tell her, did you?"
Hakoda shook his head. "No, I assumed that's what you meant to do." He reached out to cup my cheek. It was strange to be touched by anyone. It almost felt as though I was numb to it. "There you go again," he sighed, "protecting everyone, even our memories.
"After everything you have been through, I know who you are. You are kind and brave and clever, and I am so incredibly proud of you." The wall I'd been hiding behind during this whole conversation began to shake. My eyes met his, and I saw that he was earnest. "You are a far stronger person than I ever thought I would raise. Your mother would be proud of you, too."
My eyes began to burn. My lip quivered as I spoke. "She was scared of me, wasn't she?"
"No, no, no," Hakoda's cooed. "She was only scared of losing you, just like me. She loved you just as much as I do."
Love.
There was that word. I didn't trust that word. I shouldn't trust that word, and yet it shook me to my core.
I couldn't stand it anymore. I took a step back, removing myself from his touch. I took in a shaky gulp of air as I turned away, scared a tear would slip. "I need to be alone."
"Kida, you don't have to-"
"Please, Dad," I urged. "I need to meditate."
I sat back down in my original position. The man continued to linger behind me. I closed my eyes, trying to will away the tears in my eyes.
There was a soft sigh behind me, and I heard his feet begin to shuffle back towards the door. Hearing him retreat stirred something inside me. I could say it once, at least once. Just as the hinges creaked, I opened my eyes. "Dad?"
There was a pause, and I felt his gaze on my back.
"I love you, too."
There was a long moment of thick silence. The air around him gradually eased, and I knew my words affected him just as much as his words affected me. "When you're ready, please come join us."
I could only nod, but this must have been enough because the sound of the door closing soon followed.
I bit down the ache in my throat and returned to my meditation.
***
In the hours which followed, I felt something shift in the air. It felt lighter. Some weight had lifted off my chest. It wasn't all gone. I was still securely pressed to the ground by more than just gravity, but it was enough to breathe.
The cool feeling began to spread over my skin once again. A shiver of excitement ran down my spine. I was finally doing it again. That was when my door opened for the fourth time.
It was at this time that I couldn't take it anymore. I leaped off the ground and spun towards the door, yelling as I did. "Get out! I'm not hungry. I don't want to talk. Just leave me alone!"
"But you called me here," a shockingly familiar voice spoke.
I straightened at what was in front of me. I was no longer in my room on the Fire Nation vessel but instead standing at the edge of a cliff that overlooked a placid sea. I wasn't alone either. Princess Yue stood in front of me in all of her glowing glory.
"Yue, what's going on?" I questioned, glancing around. "Where am I?"
"The Spirit World," she answered.
My eyes snapped towards her. While I wanted to argue with her, I couldn't help but think she was right. She was a spirit now after all.
"Okay," I glanced at the odd plants nearby, which gave off an ethereal glow, "what am I doing in the Spirit World?"
"You've been looking for answers, correct? This is where you'll find them."
A shaky breath left my mouth. So I was right. It did have something to do with the spirits. I had my hunches before, but after Iroh had spoken to me like I was some third person, I couldn't help but know it was true. "Okay, then give them to me."
She let out a breathy laugh, although I didn't see what was amusing. "You're as abrasive as always."
"No, just annoyed," I grumbled. "I turned into a body of water, literally. Then started to bloodbend my boy... ex and an army of Dai Li agents. I need answers."
She nodded. "I understand, and it's time you get them."
"That's another thing," I urged. "Why now? I've been meditating for ages. I've been looking for answers since I had that stupid dream. Why are you finally talking to me now? Too busy with moon duty? It's a new moon tonight, right? You're not in the sky, so you finally had the time to pop down and see me?"
Yue sighed. "I'm here because you're getting stronger and you're hurting people, Kida." The image of Zuko's twisted face as he knelt in the dirt flashed across my mind. "And, quite honestly, we thought you already knew."
I narrowed my eyes at the girl. "Knew what?"
Her eyes widened. A gust of cool breath left her pale lips. "You don't remember at all, do you?"
I frowned at her. "Remember what?"
"You fell through the ice."
I straightened my back. The bright light enveloping her suddenly felt too bright. I squinted. "What are you talking about? I've never fallen through the ice before. Sokka almost did once, and he barely remembered because he was in so much shock, but I never have. Someone would have reminded me."
"You were alone when it happened."
"If I were alone when I fell through the ice, then I would be dead."
"You did die."
I took a stuttering step back. "What?" I gave my head a hard shake. "No, I didn't. I wouldn't be standing here-" I stopped. I wasn't really standing there though, was I? I was in the spirit world. Could I have actually died that long ago?
"You didn't pass the brink of death, but you were near it, just like I was when I was born."
I frowned at her. "What are you saying? That I'm like you? I don't know if you noticed, but my hair isn't white."
"My appearance changed because it was Tui who saved me. I mirrored her appearance."
I scoffed, crossing my arms. "Right, and whose appearance do I mirror?" I spoke with tightness in my breath, daring her to tell me things about myself that I somehow didn't know.
"You have the darkest hair in your family, don't you?" A cool wave brushed over my spine. I touched a lock of the dark strands sitting on my shoulders. I could see where she was hinting, but I refused to hear it.
I shook my head profusely. "You were placed in the oasis as a child. We don't have one of those."
She nodded. "Yes, you do. In the spirit world, it's connected to ours. It is the nexus of your tribe's spiritual connection. It's located at the center of the ancient forest."
"Ancient forest?" I scoffed. "That place is a myth. Even if it isn't, I've never been there. No one has ever been there. You have to go through the Everstorm, which is impossible."
"Not impossible, only difficulty. What makes the storm so restless is uneasy spirits. The thing about spirits is that many have a certain fascination with young children. They let you pass. Not easily, I will say. You were on the edge of death by the time you got through."
"I was a child?" I repeated. A faint memory came to mind, though I never considered it a memory before. I shook my head profusely. "No, that was a dream. I never– I was only nine-years-old. I ran away from home because my dad yelled at me for breaking some boats with my bending. I fell asleep and dreamt about going into the storm. I never actually went. I just had hypothermia. My father found me outside the village, he brought me home. I never– It was a dream!"
Yue shook her head. "No, it wasn't. I know you have a lot of vivid dreams. I used to have those too. This one wasn't a dream, though. You were hurt. You fell through the ice, but not all of the way, you managed to scramble out, and you found the forest. You were freezing to death. You came to the southern oasis, it's just like the one in the North only frozen over. It still holds special healing properties, though. You were healed. Your hair might not have become white, but your eyes did get lighter and your hair darker."
I swallowed carefully, staring hard at the moon spirit standing before me. "Which spirit healed me?"
"Like I said, the waters are connected. There was a chance that Zhao would choose either the moon or the ocean to go after. He found a book that described the importance of both. It was more likely he'd go after the moon, but just in case..." she trailed off.
"He is the light, and you are the ocean," the fortune teller's voice echoed in my thoughts. I remembered the way that little pendulum swung.
I never thought to take her words literally. Maybe I should have. What had followed in that little fortune-telling session hadn't exactly been normal:
The chain slipped out of my fingers and flung across the room. We had both stared at where it landed. It had stuck to a painting of the yin and yang symbol on the wall ,like two magnets coming together. It stayed there for only a few seconds, long enough for Aunt Wu and me to stand up and step over to it, then fell to the ground with a little ting.
I touched my necklace, which seemed to have followed me even into the spirit world. My fingers traced the divots of one side of the symbol. Yin. Pull. La.
"So what supernatural purpose do I have? Am I supposed to die too?"
She shook her head profusely. "No, no. The only thing you must do is live. Only the moon was harmed. You are free to live your life."
"Okay, so no magical prophesies, just magical powers? I mean, you aren't about to tell me turning into a literal body of water is normal?"
"You didn't turn into water."
"That's not what it looked like."
"You bent it around yourself, and it mixed with your spiritual energy, and a person connected to the spirits in the way that you are has a lot of spiritual energy. You're sensitive to it, that's all."
"I am the least spiritual person on this planet. I don't have any inner peace."
"Being in touch with the spirits isn't about inner peace. Many can find it, but not all. The spirits are neither good nor bad. They are both yin and yang. Peace and chaos. Those who are connected to them can feel the same way. What is important is keeping balance."
"Balance?" I repeated. I turned my face towards the rolling waves, which, while calm, still rammed the shoreline with enough force to smooth the rocks below. "Right, because I'm great at that."
"Please, Kida, you must be careful. While the sea is very much a place of comfort and nourishment for many people, it is also where great storms are born. The ocean is merciless. You cannot let that overpower who you are."
"So you get to be peace and light and all things good, and I'm...chaos?"
"The spirits wouldn't have chosen you if they didn't think you were strong enough."
"I don't think the spirits really cared. They apparently didn't believe I would live very long."
"Like I said, that chances weighed more heavily in my favor. Using you was just a precaution. A precaution which saved your life," she pressed as if I should be thanking her, "and it is the reason you will have a long and happy life."
"Happy? You're here specifically to tell me to stay calm because I could be a danger to people. How can I ever be happy knowing that if someone or something pushes me too far one day, I might snap?"
"You can have a good life if you are careful."
"Careful!" I bellowed. "I'm in the middle of a war. The man I... I was just betrayed. A boy I think of like my little brother nearly died. How do I stay calm?" The placid waves began to grow and slosh as if threatening a storm.
Yue glanced nervously down at the water. "I don't have all of the answers for you, Kida, but you are strong. You must find a way."
"And why are you telling me this? The ocean spirit is still around isn't it? Why doesn't it get its scaly butt down here and tell me all of this if it's what saved me."
"We hoped a familiar face would be more comforting."
"No offense, Yue, but you and I were never exactly friends."
She nodded slowly. "No, but that is sort of in our nature. I push, you pull."
Silence hung in the air. It was difficult to stomach all of this information. Not only was I one of the last waterbenders in the South, but I was also some spirit freak. How proud would my father be if he knew this? He could barely raise me thinking I was simply a child with bending abilities; imagine if he'd known I was part spirit. Yin and Yang. Good and evil.
"This anger that I have," I looked up to meet her eyes. "Is that because of the spirit? How much of me is actually me?"
"Everything is you," she urged. "The spirit only protects you, makes you stronger. La has only ever intervened once when you were young and in danger."
"Other than when it saved me on the ice?" I questioned.
She nodded slowly. "Only a few months after. You were attacked by firebenders. They would have killed you."
"That was the spirit?" I bellowed. "My father never looked at me the same after that. I couldn't even tell him what happened. I couldn't remember any of it and that just made them think I was even crazier. I thought I was crazy. I didn't even remember leaving the village with Bane."
"It was only trying to keep you safe."
"It was only trying to keep me alive long enough to serve its purpose." The heads of the waves cracked against the hard cliff, some of their remains spraying up high enough to reach us.
"Kida!" Yue exclaimed.
My hands flew to the sides of my head. I tried to force my emotions back into check. Everything felt so heightened here. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
My mind's eye momentarily flashed back to when I was nine. It was the one time my father had been truly angry with me, when I'd let my bending get out of hand and caused the ice to erupt, breaking one of the canoes and nearly hurting the two men inside it. I stood similarly at that time in front of him, shaking my head and apologizing profusely. It was the day I'd run away.
Cold hands wrapped around my wrists. My eyes flashed open to see eyes equally as bright as my own. She had dimed her glow and looked almost human again as she held my wrists between us. "Kida, please. What happened in Ba Sing Se, you were angry," she started. "You thought peace was dead. It was understandable. You can't let that happen again, though, especially now that Aang is injured. You have serious power, and if the Avatar can't stop you, you can cause serious damage. So, please, for your brother's and sister's sake, you have to remain calm. Do you understand?"
A lifetime of being told to bottle up my feelings flashed before my eyes. It seemed I would never be able to escape my fate. "I understand."
There it was, the look that would always follow me. Pity. I suppose Yue knew what this meant to me. A long and happy life... If only.
She sighed and took a step away from me. She gave me one more fleeting glance before the glow around her gradually returned. "Goodbye, Kida."
My jaw ticked. "Goodbye."
Her light grew and grew until it encompassed everything, and it was all I could see.
***
I forced my eyes open and was for once grateful to see the metal wall in front of me once again. Yue had answered my questions. It finally made sense. Nevertheless, I felt colder than ever before.
With a reluctant sigh, I stood off the ground and stepped towards the door. It was time to finally leave this room.
When I exited, I didn't see anyone in the halls. It wasn't until I had gotten to the mess hall below the crew's quarters that people began to notice me. Many of them froze, their eyes wide and their conversation stopping as I walked by. I paid them no mind. Instead, I made my way towards the fire pit in the center of the room. My father was there with Bato, Bane, Sokka, and Toph. They all looked at me with the same surprise as the others, but I just looked at the flames.
"Kida?" I looked up at the men who were all staring at me. "Are just not gonna say anything?" Sokka asked.
"I'd prefer it."
"You haven't left that room in days!" he exclaimed. "What made you come out?"
"Don't push her," Katara's voice chimed from behind. "She might run back." I felt her hands on my shoulder as she joined the group. "Good to see you out again."
"I'm not a jumpy animal," I hissed and shrugged her off.
"You've been acting like one," Bane commented, which only earned him a glare from me.
I glanced back at the stairway. "Maybe I will go back to my room."
"Nonsense," Hakoda spoke. "You at least need to eat something before you bolt."
Someone came over and handed me a bowl of food, which I reluctantly took. They were all being so doting. It was weird. "I didn't come out here to interrupt conversations. Go back to what you were doing."
"Well, we're still kind of curious about what happened in Ba Sing Se," said Bane. The others gave nods.
"It's a long story," I sighed. "But everything is okay. I understand now."
---
In the original version of this, I had made her a 'spirit guide' and intended to have her be something like Jinora or Iroh because I know a lot of people do the whole half-spirit thing and it can become sort repetitive and unbelievable. However, this version was my original idea for Kida and honestly, this feels like it makes more sense.
I also chose the guide because I didn't want to be able to blame any of her negative actions or attributes on the spirit. Kida's choices are her own – good and bad. She may blame it on the spirit but the only thing it does is give her extra power. It's up to her how she uses it.