Chapter 19: when we were young
"and it's selfish of me to say this, but no one will ever love you the way I do."
August 16th
"When will Tyler be back?"
"I don't know."
"Is he not coming back?" She asks shortly, looking at me like she knows I am the reason he's gone. "Is that why we're leaving?"
"No." I say, packing more of her clothes in a suitcase and ignoring her first question. "We're going to Montreal."
"Why?"
I stop, taking a deep breath and turning to look at her. She has her hands on her hips and a scowl on her face that reminds me of Tyler. Clearly they were spending too much time together.
"You said you wanted to meet my mom, right?" I ask and she purses her lips but nods.
"So that is why we're going there. You also have a doctor appointment while we're there."
"Why?"
"Because."
"'Cause why?" She questions and I sigh.
"You just do. Now go back your carry-on bag, okay?"
She looks like she might fight me on it but sighs dramatically and walks to her closet, yanking out a bag with the Dallas Stars logo on it that Jamie bought her a few weeks ago.
Once everything is packed, I leave a note on the fridge for Tyler even though I have no idea when he will be back. I sent him multiple text messages the past week but he hasn't answered. The only reason I know he is even alive, is because I texted Jackie who told me he was with her and was very kind in not asking what happened. I have no idea what Tyler told her but she didn't seem mad with me, just asking how Clara was and when we would come visit her.
I couldn't give her an answer because I had no idea what was going on between Tyler and I. Visiting his mom while he was there wasn't exactly something I was interested in doing with all that is happening.
She accepted my vague answer and told me that Tyler said hello, but I know he didn't.
Now, Clara and I are sitting in the airport and she's on Facetime with Jaxon who she had taken a quick liking to when they first met. I wonder how she will like my mom and Axel.
"How is the baby?" She asks Jax, and for the tenth time, I forget that Lauren gave birth a few weeks ago. With everything that has been going on, I have barely been able to keep up with my own life, let alone someone else.
"She's sleeping." Jax says and I look over to see the camera focused on little Nellie. She cute, I'll admit that and it makes me sad that I missed that part of Clara's life but I try to remind myself that I made the right decision but it doesn't make it any easier.
"We will go visit soon," I promise Clara who smiles and continues to badger Jax with questions about Nellie until we are called to board the plane.
"Good luck with the test." Jax tells me and I force a smile.
"Thanks."
He ends the call and I take Clara's hand so I don't lose her in the crowd. She's not a fan of flying - something I learned when we flew from Oklahoma to Dallas but with promises of ice-cream and cookies when we get to Montreal, she behaves well. But halfway through the flight, she throws a fit.
She's been asking to call Tyler ever since he left and I keep having to make up excuses but apparently she's had enough because she suddenly starts crying.
"Is he mad at me?" She cries and my heart breaks but another part of me is angry at Tyler.
"He's not mad at you." I try reassuring her but she keeps crying and we start to get glares from other passengers.
"But-"
"We'll call him when we get to the airport, okay?" I say and she stops crying.
"Okay."
The woman sitting next to us throws me a sympathetic smile and hands some tissues to Clara. I remind myself to start carrying tissues.
When our plane lands and we're standing at baggage claim, I text Tyler, this time telling him that Clara wants to call, in hopes that he will actually answer.
Thirty seconds after the text is sent, his name pops up on the screen and I breathe a sigh of relief.
Not having the patience or energy to talk to him, I pass my phone to Clara who grins when she sees it's him Facetiming her.
She quickly accepts the call and I frown slightly when his face pops up.
"Tyler!"
"Hey rookie." He says, sounding tired but also glad to see her.
"Where are you?" She asks.
"I'm just at dinner with a couple of my friends." He tells her and I watch her face fall.
"Oh, okay. I can call you later." She says quietly, leaning in to hide her face in my jacket and passing the phone to me. I look at him and he's frowning. I vaguely hear people in the back-round talking and when a voice sounds like a girl talking, I immediately go still thinking of the worst possible scenario.
"Are you guys at an airport?" He asks and I clench my jaw.
"Yeah. I gotta go," I say and before I end the call he says my name but I ignore it.
The last thing I need right now is to worry about something like that when there are more important things.
He tries calling back but I ignore it, grabbing our luggage and walking outside. It's cold but the air is refreshing and just what I need. Clara is still clinging on to me so I ruffle her hair.
"What's wrong?"
She sniffles a little and I wonder if it's because she's about to cry or from the cold.
"He's not coming back, is he?"
I kneel down so I'm face to face with her. "Tyler lives in Dallas. He has to go back for hockey, so he's not gone forever okay? He'll probably be back when we go home."
She looks unconvinced but when she hears my name being called, she looks in the direction of the person.
Jo jogs towards us and smiles before looking at Clara.
"Hey, I'm Jo." He says, offering Clara his hand which she takes hesitantly.
"I know." She says slowly. "Jax told me about you."
"All good things I hope." He jokes but she doesn't quite catch on. She's tired, and looking ready for bed.
Jo takes both our suitcases so I can scoop Clara up. My legs and back protest because Tyler is usually the one who carries her but I don't think she would feel comfortable with Jo carrying her.
It's a short walk to his car thankfully and I smile when I see that Jo even has a booster seat for Clara.
While we're driving, I check my phone to read the texts from Tyler. There are three of them, and a missed call.
Ty: you didn't tell me u were leaving
Ty: can I ask where u guys are?
Ty: helloooo
I twiddle my thumbs trying to think of what to say to him. He doesn't deserve an answer because he did not tell me where he was going when he left a week ago.
"Seguin?"
I look at Jo but he's staring at the road.
"Huh?"
"Did Seguin text you?"
"It's weird that you guys don't call each other by your first name. We're not in high school." I say, rolling my eyes.
Jo huffs. "Okay, did Tyler text you?"
I turn my head to look out the window at the bright lights from cars and buildings. "Yeah."
"You didn't tell him you were leaving."
Jo never phrases anything as a question because he knows me too well and it's infuriating sometimes.
"Well, he didn't inform me where he was going when he left last week."
"So you think he doesn't deserve to know."
I ignore the tone in his voice and turn the music up a little. Clara is snoring softly in the backseat but she could sleep through anything so there's a low chance of her waking up.
"No, he doesn't." I say and instead of pushing, Jo just sighs.
There's a heavy silence between us for the rest of the drive that doesn't go away until the next day.
August 17th
The paternity test was scheduled for 10:00 in the morning and I was twitchy. Twitchy enough that Jo had to sit three chairs away from me to "get some peace".
Clara was oblivious, thinking it was just a regular doctor appointment so she sat next to Jo and questioned him about hockey the same way she did with Tyler and Jamie. It was clear Jo was trying to turn her in to a Canadiens fan but she wasn't so easy to sway and I found it hilarious because no matter how much he tried to impress her, she wasn't having it.
"It's just that I have already given my heart to another team." She says, patting his hand gently and I lose it. They both look when I start laughing hard enough that my eyes start watering.
"Are you okay?" Jo asks, looking sulky.
"Daisy Winters and Jonathan Drouin?"
My head swings towards the receptionist who's standing a few feet away.
"The doctor is ready." She says.
***
I'm laying on the hotel bed later in the night when there's a knock on the door. Clara is staying with my mom for the night because after the appointment, I needed time alone to think. There won't be any results for at least two days and the waiting is driving me insane.
So I ignore the first knock, not wanting to move but when the knocking continues, I huff and roll off the bed. I figure it might be Jo or maybe Clara since I told her if she decided she didn't want to stay with my mom, she could come back to the hotel. But it's neither of them.
"Hey," Tyler says lamely and I give him a flat glare before swinging the door shut.
I don't move away from the door though. I stand there listening to see if he walks away but it's quiet for a moment before he knocks again.
"Can I come in? Please."
I open the door a little to glare at him. "Who told you?"
"I promised not to tell."
"I'm going to kill Jo." I mutter.
"Not Drouin actually."
I can't really think of anybody else who would tell him where I was staying and part of me wants to tell him to leave but then there's the other, weaker part of me that desperately wants him to come in and stay.
I stare at him for a moment, marveling in the fact that he still look good even with bags under his eyes and tired expression on his face. I take a step back and gesture for him to come in. He doesn't give me any self satisfied look as I expected, instead just seems grateful.
"Where's Clara?"
"At my moms."
Tyler nods but doesn't say anything. His eyes gaze around the room and I wonder what he's looking for.
"When is the test?"
He doesn't have to make clear which one he is asking about.
"It was today." I tell him, curling up in a chair. He sits on the edge of the bed and his eyes study me.
"The results?" He asks quietly.
I sigh. "We won't get them for a few days."
He nods and looks at the floor. "Can I ask you something?"
"You can, but I can't promise you I'll answer."
It's a cheap shot throwing his words back at him but it is true. I might not want to answer whatever he asks.
He takes a minute, like he's working himself up to asking.
"Would you prefer her father to be Drouin?"
I swallow loudly. "You mean as apposed to Dylan." I say, hoping that's what he means.
"Yeah."
His voice is quiet and I try to read him but come up empty as usual.
"I can tell you the answer that will make you feel better. Or I can tell you the truth."
He looks up at me, hesitation in his expression. I assume it's because he's not sure if he will like my answer. "The truth would be nice."
"I would like Jo to be her biological father, yes." I tell him. "Do you want to know why?"
Tyler just nods.
"Dylan was an idiot. He was selfish, and mean, and he didn't have a loving bone in his body." I say. "It took me a really long time to realize and accept that. We were young when we dated and I was obsessed with the idea that a popular, good looking guy like him was interested in me. I never took into consideration the fact that he was just using me. Maybe on some level, he cared for me but it wasn't enough in the end."
"Jo was different." I say softly. "I was in a bad place when Dylan left and after Clara was born, it just got worse. I don't need to tell you what my living situation was like at the time and I don't need to explain why Jaxon and Axel weren't there for me but Jo was. He was all I had at the time and he cared about me more than anyone other than my grandparents."
"Maddie-"
I cut him off. "Maddie's parents wouldn't let her near me for about a year after everything happened. I was alone, Tyler."
He looks sad and I get the impression that it's because he's trying to understand how I felt during that time.
"He was all I had and he never judged me like everyone else had."
"You loved him." Tyler says quietly.
I know the answer he wants to hear but if we are being this honest so far, there is no point in starting to lie now.
"Yeah I did."
He looks disappointed but also relieved that I gave him a straight answer.
"And now?"
"I'm always going to care about him. Despite what happened between he and I, he's family." I think back to my conversation with Madilyn. "It's weird but I can't change that."
My mother used to tell me that there was a distinct difference between loving somebody, and being in love with them. I always got the feeling that she was referring to the relationship between her and dad and I know now that it was true.
I look at Tyler who has an unreadable expression on his face. There's another question he wants to ask and I know he's trying to decide whether he wants to know the answer.
But I answer his unspoken question anyway.
"Things are hard between you and I now, yes. But we just have to hold on to the hope that it's going to work out. I loved Jo and I always will on some level." I look Tyler in the eyes, making sure he believes me. "but I am in love with you. And no matter what happens when we get those test results back, that isn't going to change."
He smiles a small but sure smile and reaches across to take my hands in his.
"I can live with that."
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a/n:
too sappy?