Sirius grumbled as he moved the last of his stuff back into the dorm. James had been extremely persistent, much to Sirius's annoyance, but at least they had helped him move everything back, not that there was that much anyway. Ruby had helped too and had insisted that they would still study in the classroom.
In all honesty, Sirius had pretty much forgotten about the scars. The school uniform had covered them completely and Ruby had never made any comment; she had enough scars of her own, and she already knew the cause. So he hadn't used the spells to hide them in months. Out of sight, out of mind.
Well, that became a problem when he came out of the shower without a shirt on, a habit he had started since the classroom was warmer than the dorms.
"What happened to you back?" It actually took him a minute to remember he even had scars there. Then he mentally cursed himself for forgetting. Because they didn't know. Then he scrambled to come up with a believable excuse, but what could explain his numerous scars when for all they knew, his parents just ignored him on vacations, and he hadn't been disowned. And he couldn't say it had happened a long time ago, because they'd never seen any of the scars before.
"Uhh, I got attacked... by a cougar." Remus looked at him unimpressed.
"I'm the werewolf, not you."
"Fine. It was Death Eaters." Voldemort was just now becoming famous with people whose parents didn't support him. Barely any of them knew anything about him. Just that he hated Muggleborns and Muggles.
"You're a pureblood, and a Black no less." James exclaimed, pointing out the serious flaw in his lie.
"I was at a Muggle concert. Death Eaters attacked." He shrugged, trying to make it seem like it wasn't that bad.
"You are not okay! There are scars all over you, especially your back. You look like you were captured and tortured for days!" Remus shrieked, motioning wildly to Sirius's back. "Who even healed you? You're parents ignore you and you said your brother hated you."
"Ruby." He admitted. That much at least was true. "She found me after they left, and healed me." Luckily, none of them knew where she lived. They couldn't find the flaw in that. Sirius realized he was a horrible liar. "And it wasn't even that bad. Just a few cutting jinxes. A lot of the muggles got way worse." He said, pulling a shirt on, if only for the minor protection from their concerned gazes. He hated it. He hated everything. He hated the scars. He hated the concern. He hated that his parents had done this to him. He hated that he had forgotten about them, and that now they had seen.
"Pad-" James started, but Sirius cut him off.
"I don't want to talk about it." He said, and climbed into bed. He drew the curtains around the bed, surrounding himself in darkness. He cast a silencing spell first, before casting the spells to hide his scars. Maybe if they didn't see them again, they wouldn't ask, and poke holes in his horrible lies.
Or maybe they would notice his scars were gone.
Either way, he made sure that he changed in the bathroom the next morning instead of in the dorm.
He stood in the Great Hall, not entirely sure where to sit. The other three were still getting ready. He had taken as long as they did before, but the classroom was significantly farther away than the dorms, which meant he had to get ready faster or lose a few minutes of sleep. He had chosen the former option.
Ruby noticed his predicament and waved him over, smiling happily. He sat down next to her, nodding awkwardly in greeting to the Slytherins. They didn't really get on well, but they managed to be civil at least.
He put food on his plate, and made sure Ruby ate enough as well. When she didn't, he put another spoonful of scrambled eggs on her plate. She didn't even bother to glare.
They stood up to go to class, and Sirius noticed that the other three Marauders were just now coming into the Great Hall. They got to Charms early, and greeted Professor Flitwick.
Sirius didn't realize he was actively avoiding the Marauders until he ducked behind a suit of armor when they turned a corner. He knew they'd ask about his scars. They were his friends after all. It was only normal for them to worry. He just wished they wouldn't. It wasn't any of their business.
What was he thinking? They were his friends. He should be glad they cared. He shouldn't be keeping secrets from them, especially not big secrets like this. And they just wanted to help. They were not at fault here.
"What's wrong?" Ruby asked, and Sirius jumped. He hadn't noticed her walk up.
"It's nothing." He grumbled, glancing at them as they walked away.
"It's not nothing. If you're avoiding them, then there's something wrong. Did they do something? Did they hurt you?" Concern laced her voice.
"No. They just saw my scars."
"Your scars?" Evidently he wasn't the only one who had forgotten about them.
"You know, the ones from my parents?" Realization flashed across her face.
"Right. Sorry. I didn't mean to forget. They don't know about that, do they?" He shook his head. "You going to tell them?"
"I hope I don't have to." He mumbled, eyes fixed on the floor.
"They're your friends. They're going to care, and they're going to want to know what happened. That's what friends do."
"Well they shouldn't. They don't need to worry about me."
"What did you tell them?"
"Death Eaters attacked at a Muggle concert I was at and you found me. I don't think they believed me though."
"Well, you better hope they don't find out where I live, because there are no concerts in Cokeworth, except maybe charity concerts. I mean, there's the good side of the city, but it's really small. Pretty much the entire city is slums and factories."
"I know. It was all I could come up with."
"Well, I've heard worse lies." Ruby commented ruefully. "but they're going to want to know what actually happened. You're going to have to decide. Truth or lies. And if you do lie, you should figure out what it is, and stick to it."
"Why?" He groaned, sliding down the wall to sit on the ground. Ruby sat down next to him. "I don't want to tell them anything. I just want things to go the way they were before. It wasn't that complicated then."
"One step at a time. You'll have to choose soon. Truth or lies."
"What do you think?"
"I think that you'll have to come clean eventually. You can either lie until you're ready, tell them now or evade it until you're ready. Or you can wait until they figure it out on their own."
"Maybe they could never find out?"
"They figured out Lupin was a werewolf. I think they'll figure this out too. If you're here, then you're clearly not ready to tell them."
"They'll look at me differently." Ruby wouldn't deny it. She couldn't deceive him like that.
"I know."
"They-they'll look at me like... like I'm some sort of victim, like there's something wrong with me, like..." He put his head in her lap like he often did when he was stressed.
"Like you're different?"
"Yeah. I don't want them to look at me like that. Like I'm broken. There's nothing wrong with me!" He exclaimed, his panic growing. Ruby glanced around, only to find the hall was empty. They were late to their next class, but it didn't matter. At least not right now.
"I know, Theus. I know. You're okay. You're fine. It's not your fault."
"I don't want to be broken." Ruby could see that he was on the verge of tears.
"You're not broken. You're not. You're not broken." Tears pricked at her own eyes. She hated seeing him like this. So much fear and anguish.
"Why do they hate me?" He wasn't talking about the Marauders. He wasn't talking about the Slytherins. He was talking about his parents. And Ruby didn't know what to say. What could she say? What answer could she give? It was obvious why they hated him. He didn't live up to their expectations. "Is it because there's something wrong with me? What's wrong with me?" Only one tear left his eyes, and he quickly wiped it away.
"There's nothing wrong with you, Theus. Nothing. It's their fault, not yours. It's not your fault." That, at least, was true. They just stayed silent for almost an hour, tears streaming down both their faces.
It was a fear they both understood only too well. It seemed truth could destroy everything they'd built. They'd built walls of lies so they could be normal, if only for a few moments. So no one would treat them like they were strange, different, broken. And now their lies were crumbling, and it was terrifying, because now they could lose everything they had wanted so badly.
"It'll be okay, Theus. You'll always have me."
They got up and went to the kitchens; they didn't want to be found when the students left their classes. The house elves were more than happy to give them pumpkin juice, and the two drank it in silence.
"Are you ever scared?" Sirius finally asked, breaking the silence. Ruby's first response would have been 'no', but she knew he didn't need that. She finally nodded.
"Yeah. A lot actually."
"Why?"
"I don't know. I'm so powerful. I should never be afraid, right? But I'm scared of the dark, and that Severus will figure out how much I've been lying to him. I'm scared of the dark." She scoffed darkly. "How stupid is that? Only small children are afraid of the dark. It's stupid."
"You almost died. You drowned. I think that's enough to excuse being afraid of the dark. But that's not what I meant anyway. Are you ever scared of hurting people? I mean, you're so powerful. You can kill, and I know you have, but does it ever scare you?"
"That I have killed? No. He had it coming, and no one is sorry he's gone. That I can? Not really. I'm glad I can. That I might do it on accident? All the time. It's constant. What if I get angry, and I kill more than just the person I meant to? What if it gets out of control, and I can't stop? What if I get too angry, and I hurt someone I care about?"
"Why doesn't it scare you that you could kill someone?"
"I don't know if you remember my boggart."
"I do. It didn't make much sense though. I just knew you were being abused at home."
"Yeah. It actually happened. Just a little different. I was coming home from work one day. You know how late it goes. Normally Sev stays in the attic so our dad doesn't hurt him. He knows how important it is to me that he doesn't get hurt. But dad got his hands on him, and he was drunk, like usual. Normally, he takes that anger out on me. I won't let him hurt Severus. But I wasn't there, and he was beating him up. I heard Sev screaming, and I ran all the way home. I was so angry. So angry. He wasn't aloud to hurt my brother. He could hurt me; he could kick me until every bone in my body was broken, but I would never let him lay a finger on Sev. My magic killed him. I killed him. I won't say I regret it. If I hadn't killed him, Sev might have died."
"But it's wrong to kill people. And now you're orphans."
"Better orphaned then dead. My boggart was literally that I didn't kill him, and instead he killed Sev. I couldn't live with myself if that happened."
He slowly nodded, more like he understood than he agreed.
Ruby flicked open the cover of the first of the books. She and Jana sat at a table in the library with high stacks of books on dark magic, and spells to give someone powerful magic. It was past curfew, as usual, since most of these books were from the Restricted Section. So far, they'd come up with nothing. There was a lot of detail on Dark curses that they both found interesting, as well as potions that were incredibly dangerous, which was probably why they were in the Restricted Section. But they'd found nothing on giving a person large amounts of magic. Ruby sighed, rubbing her eyes to try and stay awake. It didn't help.
Sirius tossed and and turned, unable to sleep. Ruby had managed to calm him when he had been panicking, but he was still stressed and so scared.
Because things weren't back to normal, despite now being friends with the Marauders again. Because now they knew he had secrets, and they wouldn't stop until they'd uncovered them, just like how he, James and Peter had done when they realized Remus wasn't telling them everything. He remembered how scared Remus had been when they had confronted him, and how he had doubled his efforts to keep his own secrets well hidden. Because his secrets wouldn't destroy his education. They would destroy everything they thought they knew about him. Because suddenly he wouldn't be the fun-loving Sirius Black who played pranks and was constantly in detention. He'd be a broken teen who lied about his parents' abuse, who was now an orphan and practically a street kid.
He looked at his friends who were all sleeping soundly. He got up and padded silently to the bathroom. He closed the door before flicking the light on. He splashed water on his face, and looked at himself in the mirror. He wasn't unnervingly pale or sick looking. He looked normal, except the panic in his eyes. His hair wasn't knotted; there weren't bags under his eyes.
He shook his head and turned off the light before going to his trunk. It didn't take long to find a dreamless sleep potion. He let a few drops fall into his mouth before putting the vial back and climbing into bed.
He woke a little earlier than normal, but well rested. He dressed quickly, hoping to get out of the dorm before they woke, but had no such luck.
"Pads, we need to talk."
A/N Sorry for the cliffhanger. I should get the next update out by next Wednesday.
Any guesses on where Wren's from?
Thank you so much for reading! Please comment.