half of a whole
things i don't say.
i am a sponge. i soak up your scrutiny your disgust your rage. i soak up your bullshit. so that you can be happy. i do it because i can't help it. being guilty. i do it because i want to have air to breathe in. because i don't know what else to do. your rage becomes mine. yours in the form of your da. your abu. mine in the form of her.
of you, me, everything, everyone. till my breath becomes shallow.
ragged.
my head hollow and my chest.
a place i can hold love dear.
no more.
till i see myself as who i am. it haunts me then. your lies and me.
we become one.
my lies too.
no. not mine.
my lies i am. yours, i will someday be. not.
i think then.
if i was her. her.
who? yours or mine. i am a lie. too many hers. i am a lie i will have to live. so shameful.
shameless?
i run out of words to caress. i move forward. jump back. fall down. don't like getting up.
i let your words become mine. because i run out of things to say. always.
they run through my head.
what if what if what if.
i could have this. everything. i feel greed. i don't. but i do. for what?
i don't know.
but i do.
let your words dance around in my head.
slowly. creep down. maniac laughter that i hear.
slowly.
they wrap around my throat. choke me with guilt. and shame. something more. more shame.
they creep back up.
slowly.
rest on my tongue. never to slip out. always to mock me.
its you its you its you.
blood in my mouth. i try to make it taste like nostalgia. like bitter comfort. i don't like it sweet. your words, your lies, everything.
i didn't ask you any questions. i could have. but i didn't.
my words run away from me.
all the time.
till i don't know who is who. i mistake my mistakes for delusion and everything else with you me him her. her her her.
always her. an end. a beginning. every breath too.