*just realised I've forgotten to add photos at the beginning of every chapter*
Tony shakily put the phone down after asking for Bruce and Clint to return back to the base immediately. He shot a look at Bucky, but the man was sitting on the sofa, staring at his hands. The information still hadn't really processed in his brain...he, he didn't believe it, because he couldn't believe it. It didn't make any sense. She was there. They had joked about that morning. And now she wasn't? It just, it couldn't happen. It shouldn't have happened.
What the hell was he supposed to tell Steve? That his best friend for basically a century killed the love of his life? No. He wouldn't be able to do it.
Tony cleared his throat and walked warily to Bucky, placing a careful, hovering hand on his shoulder, "D'you want coffee or tea?" He offered, comfortingly.
Bucky lifted his shaggy head to stare Tony directly in the eyes. Grief was pouring out of him like he was a broken faucet. He couldn't stop replaying Y/N die. And her words. Her begging. Her tears, everything.
It was his fault, obviously. He murdered her.
"Have you told the others?" His voice was cracked and his throat was scratched.
Tony's gaze softened and he shook his head, "Not yet...I," he cleared his throat, "I thought it might be better to tell the others in person. She was, is, no was, close with everyone, y'know?"
"Okay."
"I'm going to make coffee...do you want a cup?" The genius asked, removing his hand from Bucky's shoulder and tucking it in the back pocket of his jeans.
Bucky swallowed, "No, thank you."
"Okay." Tony got up and headed into the kitchen, staggering a little as the full force of Y/N slammed into his head like a truck. He leant against the door for support as memories of her flashed through his mind. Her laughing, her crying, her being alive. It was all over now. Like a snap of the fingers, gone.
His breath got louder and heavier and his movements were slow as he forced himself back to walking and entered the kitchen. He could see where she was sitting this morning. On that stool, closest to the sink.
His heart gave a painful lurch in his chest as he saw her smile. Wide and bright. It was almost like she was in the room again...about to greet him and slide him his cup of coffee.
He shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut. When he opened them again, Y/N was gone.
Tony held back a cry as it crept up his throat and into his mouth. Tears pricked at his eyes, and his fingers couldn't press the right buttons on the coffee machine.
Why her? Why her of all people? He should have gone. He should have died instead of her. He could have.
~~~
"What's up?" Clint asked, dropping his bag to the ground, "What's so important that you had to interrupt our holiday?"
Tony looked at him, his eyes glimmering with sorrow as he formulated the words in his brain.
"Tony?" Bruce questioned, frowning as he saw the exhausted look on his friend's face, "What's wrong? Where're Y/N and Bucky?"
Tony's breath shuddered as it blew out of him, "That's what I called you here for...there was a, um, situation...can we go to the living room?"
Clint and Bruce exchanged a confused look before shrugging and following Tony through to the living room, sitting opposite him on a sofa and waiting for him to tell them what was wrong.
"Shortly after you two left, Fury called about a mission. It was a simple, easy mission, but urgent, and Y/N and Bucky volunteered to go," Tony started, rubbing his hands together anxiously before glancing up at them, preparing himself to say the words, "Something went wrong."
"What went wrong, Tony?" Clint asked, his heart heavying in his chest as he realised what could have gone wrong. Of why Y/N and Bucky weren't there.
"It was a trap, set up by HYDRA, to get their Soldier back. Bucky lost control and Y/N..." Tony cleared his throat as his voice cracked, "Y/N got caught up and Bucky, the Soldier I mean...what I mean to say is that Y/N's dead."
"...What?" Clint exclaimed first, stunned, "Wait...is this a joke?"
Tony shook his head, silent.
Bruce couldn't speak. His mind had gone completely blank. The doctor blinked a few times and readjusted his glasses before licking his lips and speaking up, "How did it happen?"
Not Y/N. Anyone but Y/N. Why...How could it have ever happened?
"Where's Bucky?" Clint blurted out, "Did he kill her?"
"No!" Tony raised his hands and his voice, "No, he didn't kill her...intentionally. HYDRA took control and..."
Bruce clenched his fists, staring down at them as a flush of emotions crashed into him. Grief poisoned his bloodstream, turning his skin green, "Did...how did she die?"
"I don't know," Tony choked out, staring down at the ground.
"What do you mean you don't know?" Clint demanded, glaring at Tony, "She was our best friend...your best friend and mine and Bruce's and...and you don't know how she died?"
Tony lifted his head and Clint sucked in a breath at the unshed tears glimmering in his friend's eyes, "Bucky said he shot her 'straight through'...but he didn't make much sense...and he kept switching in between English and Russian."
"And where's Bucky now?" the archer asked shakily, his voice quivering, "Where is he?"
"He's locked himself in his room."
"And the others?" Bruce questioned, frowning and pushing back memories of Y/N hanging out with him in the lab, "Have you told them?"
Tony shook his head, "I wanted to tell them personally..."
"You can't wait a week, Stark. That's...you're going to have to cancel their mission, you realise that, right?" Bruce looked directly at Tony, earnestly, "They need to know"
Tony nodded, meekly, "Okay," He breathed out, "I'll get F.R.I.D.A.Y. to send a message and stop their mission."
"Jesus Christ," Clint groaned into his hands, hiding the prickling of tears in his eyes, "This...This is so fucked up, you know that, right?"
"Yeah, Clint, I do."
~~~
Nat stared at the screen, eyes wide at the message before notifying the others to come and see. Steve and Sam stumbled over to her and looked down at the message from over her shoulder.
"Why'd they cancel the mission?" Sam was the first to speak up, furrowing his brow and glancing over to the two other Avengers.
"Tony said something important happened and we need to head back..." Nat replied, tapping at the screen to find any more of the message but that was it, "So I guess the mission's over."
Steve sighed and stepped away as she moved to the cockpit, "Alright...let's head home then..." He said, sitting down on the bench as the engine rumbled and shuddering as it took off.
"Hey, can one of you tell Tony we're coming to the base?" Nat called, her voice a little muffled.
Sam nodded, "Yeah, I'll do it...did he specify why?"
"No, he just said to head back," Nat replied, swallowing hard as she focused on the outside of the plane. She was confused. And on edge. Her mind was reeling with all the possible threats the base must be under. If Tony cancelled their mission, then something bad must have happened.
Don't get distracted. Just get everyone home safely.
~~~
Clint watched the jet descend down from the sky, a sinking feeling in his stomach. He had volunteered to tell Nat. Nausea seeped into his system as he saw the trio exit the jet, laughing and joking with one another. They were so lucky they didn't know yet. He hated having to be the one to make them upset. Especially Nat. Nat and Y/N were like sisters. He wouldn't be surprised if they actually were sisters.
He turned away from the window and walked down to greet them, forcing a bright smile on his face as he addressed them. Tony was going to tell Steve, and Bruce was going to tell Sam. It seemed right to tell them privately. Especially Nat and Steve.
"Hey, guys," Clint said, trying to hide his misery, "How was the trip?"
"Boring," Sam replied, "How come the mission was cancelled?"
Clint's smile tightened, "Oh. Yeah, there's been a...a...thing. Something's happened and...yeah..."
"Okay...is it something we should be involved in or...?" Steve questioned, frowning as he noticed the sickly pallor to his friend's face, "Hey, man, are you okay?"
"I'm fine...Uh, Tony wants to talk to you...he's in the lab," Clint told him before glancing to Sam, "And Bruce wants to show you something...he's, he's in the living room."
"What's going on, Clint?" Nat demanded, folding her arms, "You're being weird."
"I need to talk to you about something. Can we go to the kitchen?" Clint pleaded, desperate to just get the conversation over with. The more he tried to veer towards it, the more he dreaded telling her the news.
Nat shrugged before shooting confused looks at Steve and Sam, and then followed Clint away to the kitchen.
"Nat..." Clint breathed once they entered the kitchen, "There's something...you should know."
"Yeah?"
He cleared his throat and blinked fast, "There was an...there was a..."
Nat raised an eyebrow, a smirk dancing on her lips as she watched him find the words to explain whatever it was he wanted to tell her, "There was a...?"
"Y/N's dead. Y/N died today on a mission."
Her smirk fell off her lips. The happy bubble she had around her burst, and it seemed like the air was made of broken glass as she breathed, letting pieces of sharp glass dig themselves into her throat as she spoke, "What do you mean she 'died'? She's dead?"
Clint nodded, he couldn't say anything else. What else can you say?
Her nose stung as the weight of the statement came crashing down, her eyes glittering with tears. She opened her mouth but no words came out, only a quiet sob. Nat clapped a hand over her mouth to muffle to sound of her sadness but it did nothing to mask the fact that she was crying. Her entire body was shuddering under the force of her tears.
"Oh my God...Y/N's dead?" The words were bitter on her tongue as she said them.
She wanted to know how it could have happened but she didn't. She didn't want to think of her best friend, her sister, being not alive.
Nat didn't have to ask Clint. He explained anyway. Or explained as best as he could.
"The...The Soldat killed her?" Nat whispered, horror dripping from her words, "Why...why did Tony let them go on their own? What...how..."
Clint shook his head, "I don't know, Tony doesn't seem to know exactly what happened during the mission. He said Bucky didn't tell him much."
Nat stared at the floor in silence. This wasn't right. It didn't...it shouldn't...there wasn't...it didn't make sense. Y/N was never supposed to die before her. She was like her little sister. She was the girl who seemed too innocent, too good for this world. For her job. And she had been through so much shit in her life. Natasha should have died instead. She had done far worse things than Y/N had ever done. She had killed so many people.
"I think...I think I want to be alone," Nat said, quietly, glancing up at Clint before focusing back on the ground.
"Okay," Clint replied, just as quietly, "You can talk to me if you want."
"Mhm..." She wiped away the tears from her cheeks, "I just need to think about...about it. It's hard to, um, think about her being...dead..."
"I know," Clint murmured sadly, the heavyweight of sorrow still pressing down on him.
Nat walked to the doorway until she paused in her steps and turned around, folding her arms and not even trying to hide the glistening in her eyes of unshed tears, "I'm just...I'm so sick of this...we were supposed to have a fresh start here. Without the Red Room or HYDRA or anything."
She let out a frustrated scream, her hands over her mouth to quieten to noise but it made no difference. Clint flinched as he watched his best friend double over with the force of her shout.
"Nat–"
The Russian slumped to the floor, leaning against a wall as her legs splayed out in front of her, "I'm so sick of people betraying one another."
Clint opened his mouth but Nat raised a hand to shush him, "And before you say anything, I know 'Bucky' didn't kill her. It's just...we're supposed to trust one another...and Tony never should have let Bucky go on that mission." She shook her head, still fuming, "This is his fault...it would never have happened if Tony had just waited...for the love of God."
Words died between them. Clint couldn't say anything. And Nat had nothing left to say.
An angry yell came in through the door, loud and breaking the quiet tension of the room, "Then why didn't he tell me himself?"
Clint's eyes widened, "Steve...oh shit."
Nat didn't react. She looked like death warmed over. Her face didn't betray a single sliver of emotion. It was like she had turned into a statue. Or a robot. She didn't even turn to see what the commotion was, or follow Clint out the room. All she did was stand stock still for a couple of minutes before retiring to her room.
~~~
"Steve..." Tony spoke softly, watching his friend clench and unclench his jaw as he processed the information, "Steve...can you say something?"
"So...so she's dead. You sent her on a mission, just like that, and she died?" His voice shook. Oh look at that, he was shaking. It was getting harder and harder to breathe. His body was on fire. And he couldn't stop shaking.
"Listen, we didn't know...we weren't well-informed..." Tony explained, pleadingly, moving his head side to side, trying to catch Steve's eye, "Steve, are you okay?"
"You just told me that my best friend murdered Y/N. Do you think I'm okay?" Steve spat out, his blue eyes flashing with venom. He couldn't believe it. Not Bucky. Not Y/N. She shouldn't have died. Why...why was everything good taken away from him the moment life seemed bright and perfect?
"No...But...don't... don't take it out on Bucky...he's, he's not..." For once, Tony Stark was at a loss for words. He could barely string a sentence together since Y/N's death had really sunk in.
"What?" Steve demanded, "What? He's not responsible? He's not at fault here? He didn't hold the gun or pull the trigger? He didn't kill the only person...he didn't kill Y/N? Is that what you're saying?" His words weren't loud, but they were spoken with rapid fury, each word dripping with more and more venom than the next.
"He's...he's taken it hard...he hasn't left his room and–" Tony started, trying desperately to calm Steve down. Bucky wasn't at fault. Why couldn't Steve understand that?
The blond-haired man looked at Tony for a second before dragging his eyes to the ground and then raising his head to look at the ceiling before muttering, "So he's in his room?"
"Steve. Don't do anything stupid," Tony warned, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder.
Steve's head snapped round at him and his eyes blazed with anger as he spat back, "Like what? Confront the man I thought was my best friend...I thought was best friends with Y/N...who, it turns out, was her murderer? My closest, oldest friend killing the one perfect thing in my life, and you're telling me not to do anything stupid?"
"It was an accident!" Tony burst out.
"Then why didn't he tell me himself?" Steve yelled back, his eyes pricking and his hands balled into tight fists, his nails digging hard into his palms, hard enough to hurt.
His chest heaved and Tony stared at him with shock at Steve raising his voice. Steve's heart was pounding in his ears and he concealed any evidence of emotion as he muttered, his voice so dejected and full of pain, "Why didn't he tell me himself?"
Tony searched for words but couldn't find any. He couldn't explain why Bucky couldn't tell Steve the news without making the man sound like an asshole. Or pathetic. He couldn't describe how Bucky had been when he saw him come off the jet. How torn up and broken he was.
"Maybe I'll just ask him myself, then," Steve said, turning away and storming out of the room, Tony helplessly following him, a fear of something bad happening trickling into the genius's gut.
The supersoldier strode down the hallways until he got to the room he was looking for, halting immediately. He didn't notice Tony behind him. Or Clint, or Sam. He didn't notice anyone or anything around him but the door.
His fist pounded on the wooden surface. If Bucky didn't open the door, he was going to kick it down. The only thing he wanted to do when he finally came face to face with her murderer was ask him why. Ask him why he did it.
The doorknob twisted and then the door swung open to reveal and an exhausted Bucky on the other side, his normally cool blue eyes were red and puffy. He had a scratchy shadow cast across the lower half of his face, and he looked and smelled like he hadn't had a shower since he had arrived back to the base, dirt still smeared on his face and hands. His hand were bruised. Dark blue and purple patches decorated the skin on his hand, like he had been punching the wall repeatedly for hours and hours and hours.
Sam was about to open his mouth to express concern to Bucky's appearance but was cut off with Steve rushing in, grabbing Bucky forcefully, and pinning him to the opposite wall. Bucky didn't even have time to breathe.
His old best friend struggled under the pressure of his arms, pressed against his torso and neck. Steve didn't care if he was hurting the man. Everything in him was in shredded agony anyway.
"Why did you do it? How could you do it?" Steve asked, his voice teetering between a raised voice and a scream, "How...how could," his voice, quieter, cracked as he spoke, "you kill her? How could you look at her and just...kill her?"
Bucky swallowed hard and looked back at Steve was fear. He was genuinely afraid of him.
And then that scared look in his eyes faded away, replaced with anguish, "I didn't...I didn't..." Bucky hesitated for a moment then finally said, broken and cracked, "I'm sorry."
"You killed her. She's gone because of you," Steve shouted at him, tears created tracks on his cheeks and applying more pressure to Bucky's throat, until Bucky was wriggling to get out, to breathe, "Don't...How could you? Didn't she mean anything to you?"
Each word made Bucky flinch.
The dark-haired man with the metal arm clenched his silver-coloured fist and pushed Steve away, aching for air.
"I'm sorry she's gone," Bucky panted, collapsing to the ground as he got free of his best friend's grip, "I'm so sorry..."
"You killed her." Those three accusing words came out in a hurt whisper, heavy with red, bleeding pain.
Bucky fought back a sob and closed his eyes, hiding his tears. He wanted to die.
"She was almost killed before, did you know?" Steve said, making Bucky open his eyes again and look at him, "She got shot down by a HYDRA agent a year ago. Right in the stomach. We thought she was going to die then, did she ever tell you that?"
Bucky didn't reply, casting his eyes to the ground.
"She was scared of dying, did you know that?"
"Yes," Bucky whispered.
"Then why did you kill her?" Steve's voice went back to full rage, and his eyes burned like two bright blue fires.
Bucky couldn't say anything. What could he say? Steve hated him anyway. He wouldn't believe him anyway. Not now.
In a flash, Steve leapt at Bucky and crashed him onto the ground, shaking him as he repeated over and over again, "Why did you kill her?" His voice reaching a higher volume each time.
Immediately, Sam, Clint, and Tony raced over and grabbed Steve, pulling him away from Bucky before he could inflict actual harm.
Steve twisted in their grip, trying to tug himself out of their hold until all the anger just flew out of him and he fell down in loud, heart-wrenching sobs.
"Why did she have to die?" He asked, shakily, breathless with crying and screaming.
"I'm so sorry..." Bucky whispered, shuffling away, still sitting on the floor, further and further away from the four men, "This is my fault."
No one heard him.
~~~
His metal hand gripped the doorknob tightly, turning it slowly and careful not to make any sound as he walked out. His heart hurt as he looked around at his surroundings. A heavy weight rested on his chest. The guilt of everything was too much. Too heavy. And every time he opened his eyes, a little more weight was added to his chest.
He needed to leave.
Bucky didn't know where, he only knew he needed to leave before...before something else happened. Or before he was actually asked to. It would be even more awful if one of his new friends, or his old one, asked him to get out of their lives.
His footsteps were silent on the floorboards. It was hard to manoeuvre about in the darkness, but this was the only time everyone was asleep.
He reached the staircase to the exit and shot one last look behind him before disappearing completely into the darkness of the stairs.
I'm so sorry.
~~~
A/N *I'M SO SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN WEEKS...I'M AN IDIOT, FORGIVE ME.
Okay with that out of the way...(lol not really) I'm so sorry about not updating sooner, I'm prone to author's block (idk why... life is weird). I've also been sidetracked with procrastination and other stories that I've been writing so...yeah
Honestly, this chapter is terrible. I was hoping to come back with a BANG, y'know? Like the long-overdue chapter (this one) was supposed to be fab.u.lous. But yeah
Please let me know if there are any mistakes or things I can correct and just feedback in general about everything because that would be very much appreciated :)
And, on a random note, d'you have any song suggestions or soundtrack suggestions, I've been trying to find good music to listen to while I write but I haven't really found anything that I haven't over-played...👍
Anyways, I hope you have a wonderful week-end and week and hopefully I'll have uploaded a new chapter by then!!! (Also extra side-note, Would you like me to continue this story, I have written an alternate ending for anyone who's interested and I can upload it if you would like? Otherwise, I can just leave the ending as is and yeah...so...yeah.
Have a great week!❤️*