I pouted as I waited outside my house for Cam to arrive. I really did not want to go to school today, and was planning on texting Cam telling him that I had fallen ill or something. But my demon spawn sisters dragged me out of bed and forced me to get dressed.
Friggin' harpies! Don't they know it's healthy to play hookie every now and again? With a huff, I felt my mood lighten as I spotted Cam walking down the road. I instantly backpedaled and my smile vanished.
What if he realizes how useless I am? What if he realizes how much better he could do than me? I'm not ready to-I can't just act like i'm worth his time. I'm such a fraud.
"G-Good morning, Kai. How are you?" Camden asked as he walked up, his words holding more meaning than they let on. The implication that he wanted to know how yesterday went was painfully obvious.
I cleared my throat. "I'm fine. You?" I'm so lame! 'I'm fine, you?' Who says that? Acquaintances?!
"U-Uhm...i'm good. Are you sure you're f-fine? You usually say that w-when you mean the opposite." Cam asked, his eyes shining with concern as he looked up at me.
That same warm, uncontrollable feeling stirred in my chest again, and I furrowed my eyebrows as I tried to suppress it. Which hurt, more than I thought it would. "What? No way! It's all f-good. All good." I corrected myself, my voice coming out of my mouth sounding strange.
"R-Really? Because you sound like you're in p-pain," he said, catching up to me as I began to walk so he wouldn't see my face as clearly.
"Really really. No trouble in paradise, I promise." I kept my eyes straight ahead, although I could feel his scrutinizing gaze on my face. This is going to be harder than I thought. I can't keep getting closer to him; not if I want to keep my feelings from spiralling out of control.
I stayed silent as we walked to school, keeping my lips pursed. I so badly wanted to talk to him, and he kept glancing my way. Gah, I didn't think this would be this difficult and it's only been ten minutes!
"Kai? You're r-really quiet today. Is something on your mind?" Camden asked, finally breaking the silence as we rounded a corner.
"Huh? No, I just got nothing to talk about is all." I said. I am such a loser. A stupid, selfish, cowardly los-
"Kai, stop!" Suddenly I was yanked backwards via my backpack as a car whizzed past, it's horn blaring as it zoomed by.
I blinked, my eyes widening in shock. "What the-holy crap! I totally almost just got hit by a car. Wow. Cam, you just saved my life!" I exclaimed, looking down at him. He was biting his lip, a nervous look on his face. The concern I had seen on his face moments ago had tripled.
"K-Kai, you-you're not fine. You just zoned out in the middle of crossing the s-street. What really happened at Todd's?" Cam asked, his voice serious.
I exhaled through my nose, focusing on him. There's no way I can tell him. Not really. "Nothing. Okay?" I said, hoping he would let it go, but I knew him well enough that I should have expected the stubborn look he donned.
"N-Nothing? What about your h-hand, then?" He said. I looked down, where his gaze rested on my bruised knuckles from punching Todd. I stuffed it in my pocket, huffing.
"Like I said, it's nothing. Look, it didn't go well with Todd. That's all there is to it."
"You can t-tell me, Kai. If you n-need someone to talk about it with, then-"
"I can't!" I finally shouted, making Cam blink in surprise. "Going to Todd's made me realize some things. About me, and about you. And I don't know how to deal with it, so just-let's just go to school, all right? That I know how to deal with." I said, my voice a little cracked. What is wrong with me? Why does he always make me so, so unravelled?
Cam looked stunned, like someone had just doused him with ice cold water. I stared into his eyes for a few seconds, took a deep breath, and turned around and began walking.
After a couple of seconds, Camden's footsteps followed until he was right beside me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I walked up to my locker, and an awkward turtle swam into the atmosphere, as I noticed Derek was already there at his own locker next to mine. His back was to me, and thankfully he was busy doing his own thing and he didn't seem to notice I was there.
Or, he's ignoring me. Either of which is fine. Psh, what do I care. I did what I had to do at my locker, my mind full of Camden. When isn't it these days? I sighed after I got my books, shutting my locker and leaning my head against it.
What am I gonna do? If I don't get over this infatuation with Cam soon, I don't know what will happen. "Urgh!" I groaned, banging my head against my locker.
"Kai, what is wrong with you? That last thing you need is to lose more brain cells." I peeked over to see Derek giving me a deadpan stare.
"I'm having a system malfunction. Don't worry, i'm seeing a mechanic later." I mumbled.
Derek sighed, pulling me away from the locker. "I know we're 'fighting' or whatever, but I don't really care. You're my best friend. What's the matter?" He said sincerely, actually sounding worried. "I called you yesterday, but you didn't pick up. You never miss a call."
"What is it with you people? I could have been on the pooper!" I said, frustrated but not for that reason. Derek waited patiently for me to tell him the actual problem. I resigned with a grunt. "Fine. I went to Todd's yesterday, after school."
His face remained expressionless, so I continued. "Don't you dare say I told you so or I will shit in your pillowcase, but it didn't go well. I expected that, to be honest...but I didn't expect it to mess me up as much as i'm feeling. I can't get over some of the things he said." I confessed quietly, rubbing the back of my neck.
"What did he say to you, Kai?" Derek questioned calmly. I shook my head.
"Nothing really. Just that i'm always breaking hearts, and that I don't have the right or something like that...he said other stuff, and I got pretty pissed."
"I noticed," Derek said, looking pointedly at my bruised knuckles. I chuckled nervously.
"Yeah. I don't know, I think he was right. I'm just a useless heart breaker, aren't I? I don't deserve anyone, much less someone like..."
Derek looked at me curiously. "Like who? Cam?"
I twitched a little at the mention of his name, and Derek's jaw clenched visibly.
"Listen to me, Kai. That asshole Todd is screwed up in several ways. He knows nothing about who you really are. You like Cam, a lot. I can see it."
"But it always starts like that! I like them, they like me, we date, we break up and i'm alone again. I always end up alone, and i'm tired of it. That's how selfish I am, and afraid. I'm completely worthless!"
"Kai!" Derek snapped, and I flinched. "Shut up, will you? You're not worthless or selfish. It's natural to be afraid of something that's hurt you in the past. Honestly? You were never like this with anyone else. Never so broken up. I think you feel a lot more for Cam than you're letting on. And that says something all on it's own."
I stared at him, trying to accept his words. Is he right? Have I really not felt like this about anyone? When I look at Cam, I don't always know what I feel. Maybe that's the new feeling. I really want to explore it, but... "I don't know, Derek. I just don't know." I mumbled, turning and walking away quickly.
"Kai!" Derek called after me, but I didn't stop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I ended up skipping first period to laze in the bathroom. It was boring as hell! I got so bored I even tried to do the Bloody Mary thing with the mirror and the toilets. Then I got scared and left the bathroom in case she showed up. I'm such a wimp.
I blew raspberries as the bell rang, signalling second period. Gross, class time. Why did I even come to school today? Oh right, my sisters. Time to move out. Ugh.
"Kai?"
Cam appeared before me, and I blinked. I really need to kick this sudden habit of zoning out.
"Oh. Cam. Hey. Hello. Nice to see you here...today?" I said awkwardly, and he gave me an odd look. Of course he would have no idea what's going on. After all, he's not the one struggling with a barrage of unrelenting feelings. Nope, that's all me.
"Uhm...I didn't see you in first p-period."
"Yeah, well...I had important business in the bathroom to deal with." I said, and his face instantly heated up. I face palmed.
"Not that kind of business!" I said quickly, and he sighed in relief.
"O-Oh. Well um, okay. I g-guess i'll see you later."
"Yeah, uh...see you." I said, not able to meet his eyes. I heard him walk away, and each step was like a bee stinging the finger of my heart. Or something like that. Like I said, I am just the worst.
----------Raise yo hand if ya wanna put Kai in a headlock *raises hand*----------