School started again, and Lauren was busy helping Monroe as she was starting her freshman year, and she was heartbroken at the same time. She broke up with her boyfriend Glenn after the rumors started getting back to her parents, and they 'had a talk' that she wouldn't go into with any of her friends.
She started going to church more and volunteering at the nursing home as if trying to atone for her supposed crimes. Lauren almost felt sorry for her, but then she remembered how Monroe treated Wren when they found out she was living with Henry. Lauren also wondered if Monroe would be understanding if she knew about her and Joan.
Lauren sometimes felt like she was constantly living a lie, and she didn't understand how people could stand it. She wanted to talk about her relationship. She wanted to show her parents how happy she was. She wanted them to know that their daughter finally found someone who loved her for her.
They were trying to fix her up with boys from church and random sons of friends, and it was frustrating that they thought she 'needed help getting back into the world.' They still thought she was heartsick over Jake, and her Mom even hinted that she thought Lauren regretted ending things because she hadn't started dating again.
"It's okay if you aren't ready," her Mom said as she gave Lauren a big hug. "A first love isn't something you get over in a couple months. Do you think maybe you should talk to Jake?"
"About what?" Lauren asked.
"Well... everything," said her Mom vaguely. "I hear he's pretty broken up over the whole thing too."
It was maddening, thought Lauren. She loved staying at Joan's and being with her, but going back to her old life was painful, and she felt guilty every time she lied about where she was going as she didn't want anyone to get too suspicious about her spending too much time at Joan's. She'd lie and say she was at one of her friend's houses. Not Hope's though.
Lauren didn't see Hope at all nowadays, and she hoped it stayed that way. Monroe rarely ever saw her either. Hope was running with a new crowd these days, and she dating a twenty-eight year old widow with a two year old daughter. Apparently Hope thought he was 'the one' said Monroe after talking to their friend during a chance encounter at the Java Bean.
"Can you imagine?" Monroe asked in a hushed whisper as if someone would over-hear as they stood alone in the thrift store. "He's so old. With a kid!"
Ruth was dating a classmate named Greg she met during her stint at the day camp the church held for two weeks. They were both counselors and quickly grew close. Lauren liked him from the few times she met him, and she hoped he treated her sister well. She had her fingers crossed that Ruth didn't fall into the old pattern of letting guys walk all over her.
Ruth herself was as insufferable and yet strangely lovable as usual. She wasn't giving Lauren the third degree about the amount of time she spent with Joan and their friends anymore since she was happy in her own personal life now. Lauren was grateful that her sister was distracted. She spent most of her time with Greg now, and Lauren rarely saw her.
"Sometimes it makes me sad that my group of friends are so fractured now," Lauren confessed to Joan one September morning as they sat on the porch and drank their coffee before Lauren headed to class, and Joan to her job. "Like I know I expected it and everything, but now that it's happened... it's hard to accept. I know they drive me crazy a lot of the time, but I love them."
"Relationships change," Joan said. "Maybe it's only temporary. If they're meant to be in your life they will be, and if you put real effort into it, of course."
"It's just hard because I can't tell them what's going on," Lauren said as she leaned her head against her girlfriend's shoulder. "Even if I told them would they want to know? You're so important to me, and I can't bring it up like Monroe talks about guys from church or Ruth talks about Greg kissing her in the gazebo at the park for the first time. I can't tell them things. It's like they only get to know half of me."
Lauren went to her classes and then to coffee with Monroe. Monroe was frazzled over her studies and wondering if she chose the right classes. It was the same conversation they had ever since Monroe had started school, and it was tiring. Lauren wanted nothing more than to go back to Joan's and curl up in the tower with her girlfriend. She found herself smiling slightly to herself as she thought of how happy she was in her relationship. She'd never felt that way before, and again the sadness that she couldn't share it with her family and friends seeped into her mind.
After coffee; the girls went to work at the Antique Button. They spent most of their shift organizing the shelves, and hardly anyone stopped in so they ended up in the back as they sorted through some of the boxes that Janet had just returned with from an estate sale in Tennessee.
Lauren's phone went off suddenly, and it was a text from Joan. She said she was putting dinner on the table for Lauren, and she felt like a house wife as she waited for Lauren to get home from work.
"Is that Joan?" Monroe asked, and Lauren felt her face flush as she'd been smiling like a goof ball at her phone.
"Yeah," Lauren said slightly awkwardly as she quickly put her phone back in her pocket.
"... Joan always acts weird around me," Monroe said suddenly as she sat cross legged and looked through an old photo book she had found at the bottom of the box. "I don't think she likes me."
"Of course she likes you," Lauren said; truly surprised. "Joan likes everyone. Well, not Hope, but it isn't for a lack of trying."
Monroe was staring at the black and white pictures. "I hear a lot of rumors about her from Glenn's friends. Everyone says she's gay."
Lauren felt like someone had kicked her in the stomach. "Oh really?"
"Yeah," Monroe said vaguely; she wasn't confronting Lauren or demanding to know. It was like she was just telling Lauren a bit of gossip which wasn't unusual for their group. "I said that I didn't think so, I didn't know for sure. I've never seen her with guys. I thought her and Henry must have something going on before he ended up with Wren."
"Well, it really isn't anyone's business," Lauren said in what she hoped was a casual, calm voice.
"True," Monroe said with a shrug. "I've never date, and I'm so not gay. I'm just pathetic. Maybe Joan's just not ready for a relationship. I can completely relate to that. That whole mess with Glenn put me off dating for a long time."
Lauren bit her tongue as she badly wanted to ask what exactly happened with Glenn and find out if it had gotten as serious as some people said it had, but she knew it wasn't any of her business. She didn't want to be nosy like Ruth. It hurt Lauren that the two friends felt like they couldn't confide in each other though. They'd been friends since they were children. Now they knew nothing about one another.
"Hey beautiful!" Henry greeted Lauren as she came into the house after her shift.
She grinned; Henry always greeted all of them with compliments and big smiles. She loved him like a brother, and she was so happy that he and Wren were together. She'd never seen her friend so happy. Wren was once just one of the girls in their group. She was the one that no one really noticed. Lauren had always been closer to Monroe and Ruth, but now Wren was Lauren's best friend besides Joan.
Wren and Lauren told each other everything these days. It was nice to have someone to talk to about what was going on in her life. Lauren felt at home at the purple Victorian with Joan, Henry and Wren. They were all roommates, and Henry could often be heard singing 'We are Family' at the top of his lungs and getting extra shrill and enthusiastic as he proclaimed them all sisters.
"You are weird," Joan told him several times a day.
"You love it," he said, and he would give her a big kiss on the lips as he liked to do sometimes as he knew she didn't like it. It always made Wren and Lauren howl with laughter as Joan made a big deal out of wiping her face and exclaiming she needed to get some disinfectant like she was Lucy being licked by Snoopy.
Lauren and Joan celebrated their four month anniversary in September, and even though Monroe and Henry mocked them for celebrating such a minor achievement; they still threw them a party and a dinner.
They invited all of their friends – minus Lauren's crew, of course – and it was a fun night. They danced, sang terrible karaoke, and Henry painted faces and any other body part they wanted. The house was covered in paint, confetti and cake after a food fight started. Lauren yelled and laughed so much that night she lost her voice, but it was worth it.
After the party was over, and there were tons of people sleeping on their floor and in random rooms; Lauren and Joan made love in the tiny room at the top of the house. The windows were covered with white sheets the girls had sewn into curtains, and they managed to get a small futon mattress up the narrow stairs. It was their main bedroom these days although they occasionally slept in Joan's room. Or their room, Joan said.
Lauren barely used her actual bedroom these days. She was rarely home at all, and she didn't get to see her sister a lot so she was surprised when Ruth randomly dropped a bomb the next morning as Lauren stopped in to see her Mom and get a bite of breakfast before class.
"I'm moving out," Ruth said. "Monroe and I found the coolest building! It's a few streets down, and it's broken into apartments. Her Dad is going to buy it and let us use it while we're in school! You have to move in with us!"
Lauren didn't want to leave her street as she was close to Joan and school. She loved it here. She couldn't move in with Joan though as she knew her parents and friends would see it as her siding with Wren's 'bad choices.' She felt pressured as Monroe chose that moment to come in the front door and started talking excitedly about the building, and how her Dad was going to let them live in it for free while they were students. It was a bargain Monroe said, and the house was gorgeous.
"It's even closer to school than your house!" Monroe said; wiggling her eyebrows. "Plus we'll all have our own spaces! I mean, they aren't big, but it'll be so cool!"
"I don't know," Lauren said slowly, but what choice did she have? She had been talking about getting a place with Monroe for ages although talk had died down once Lauren started dating Joan, but there was no reason to say no. Lauren heard herself saying yes which made Ruth and Monroe cheer. They were going to be roommates!
Lauren dreaded telling Joan, and it was all she could think of as they drove to the building so Lauren could see the place. It was a beautiful building. It was brick with large windows and a beautiful matching stoop that was covered in flowers. It wasn't as much of a dream house as Joan's, but it was certainly appealing. She didn't want to be so far away from Joan though.
"We'll be like the people on Friends," Monroe joked. "Running in and out of each others apartments, you know? It'll be amazing."
Joan understood when Lauren told her later that night about what was going on. It wasn't as if Lauren could say no to the appealing proposition without rousing suspicion.
"I want to just tell them and move in with you or... something," Lauren said as she felt her face grow warm as the two hadn't discussed living with each other yet as close as they were. "It feels so impossible sometimes. Like I'll be sitting next to my Mom, and thinking how easy it would be to just tell her, but it sticks in my throat."
"You aren't ready yet, and that's fine Lauren – don't push yourself," Joan said as she rubbed lotion into Lauren's shoulders as they sat in the small square room in the middle of a mess of blankets and pillows. They were fresh from a shower and settling in for the night while Henry and Wren watched horror movies downstairs.
"Sometimes it feels like I'm not just scared to tell them... it's almost like I feel ashamed," Lauren admitted as she refused to look back at Joan's dark eyes that she loved so much. "And I hate that."
"You probably are – a bit," Joan said to clarify as Lauren finally looked back at her and was clearly affronted. "I was too at first, but you grow into it. How can you help it with the way we were raised? You're still dealing with it yourself."
Lauren leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips. "You just get it, and that helps... so much."
The kisses grew stronger and stronger, and Lauren took the lead which she did more often than not these days. She might be too scared to tell people, and she might feel moment of shame, but here it was perfect. Here it was everything.
She loved touching Joan's stomach and watching the muscles tense underneath her skin. She loved the inside of her thighs; how strong and lean they were. Lauren loved being able to know Joan in this way, and she loved that Joan knew her this way too. She loved what they shared; like it was a special secret between them. Lauren was conflicted about her life, but at least on an emotional and sexual level she was content. Her love for Joan was never in question.
"Oh God," Joan moaned softly as she gripped Lauren's hair; her red head occasionally tilting up to see Joan with her head back on the pillow and her eyes closed in ecstasy. Lauren loved the feel of Joan's thighs underneath her palms. It was the most intimate thing in Lauren's entire life, and she never wanted either of them to feel it with anyone else again. She wanted this to be her life yet she didn't know how unless she cut out her family, her friends and everything that had made Lauren herself the past twenty years