theo
"Are you sure that you're comfortable with me sleeping next to you? I can take the couch, I really don't mind," Tanner frowned, rolling his eyes at Theo's remark.
"Shush. You're the guest. If you're uncomfortable, then I'll sleep on the couch." Theo sighed in reply to his words.
"I'm not uncomfortable, I feel bad. I don't wanna freak you out." Tanner, sighing again, grabbed Theo's wrist and pulled him down to sit by his side.
"I'm not scared uncomfortable. It's fine. Sharing a bed really isn't weird." Theo nodded shortly.
"Okay. Okay, I just-" Theo hesitated and then sighed, holding his head in his hands.
"Are you uncomfortable with it?" Tanner asked, raising his eyebrows.
"No, I don't know, I just- it feels weird, you know? Like- I don't know, just weird."
"I'll sleep on the couch, okay?"
"Absolutely not. If anyone is, it's me. This is your home. I won't let you do that. I'm not going to be that much of a burden."
"You already are," said Tanner jokingly. Despite his light tone, a jolt of hurt shot though Theo.
"Yeah, I know. Sorry."
"I'm kidding," Tanner said, turning off the light and sitting down on his bed.
"Okay," Theo muttered, pulling the blankets over his head and rolling onto his side. He heard Tanner shuffle around and do the same, facing away from Theo.
Going to sleep was always very hard for him, even before the accident. He consistently found himself thinking about everything happening to him, particularly the negatives. It felt like no matter what he did, everyone hated him. He wanted to desperately to be liked, but it just didn't work. His mother had enjoyed his company, or at least pretended she did, but she was gone now. Which was his fault.
Theo felt like crying all over again. He was so exhausted of everything and everyone, he just wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, pressing his palms against his eyelids. He felt his shoulders begin to tremble, always a telltale sign of oncoming tears. Don't. Don't cry. Please don't cry, he thought to himself. You're so much of a burden already, don't make it worse. Of course, just the thought of that opened the floodgates behind his eyes and tears slowly climbed their way down his cheeks. He stifled a sob, trying to subdue his shaking and hide his crying from Tanner. However, his luck was evidently not great, so that didn't work.
"You're shaking," Tanner mumbled, rolling onto his back. "You having a seizure or something?"
"No," Theo whispered, but it came out far more strangled and hiccupy than he'd attempted it to.
"Shit, Theo, are you crying?" Tanner quickly asked, pushing himself up in bed.
"No," he repeated, his voice quite obviously thick with tears.
"Oh, god. Theo, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that, it was mean. I was joking, seriously. I didn't mean it." Theo knit his brows in confusion.
"What are you talking about?" He asked, rubbing his eyes.
"I called you a burden. Oh god, that's so messed up. Why did I say that? I was joking, seriously. I didn't mean it, I swear. You're not a burden."
"Tanner, that's not why I'm crying," Theo said, almost laughing. "It's not on you."
"Then why are you crying?"
"Take a guess," Theo mumbled, teary again. "My partners are dead, nobody can even stand me, and I am so fucking lost." After a minute of hesitation, Tanner answered:
"That is exponentially worse." Theo burst out in laughter at his quiet remark, putting his hand over his mouth to stifle his giggles. "What? What is it?"
"It's just- ha! It's just- thank you, Tanner! That is in fact true! It is exponentially worse! It is pretty bad!" He then laughed even harder, his whole body shaking. A few seconds later, Tanner joined in.
"Yeah, maybe that was a bit matter of fact. I don't know! What else am I supposed to say?"
"Exponentially worse," Theo laughed, rolling onto his side as his laughter subsided. "You're right."
Unexpectedly, he fell asleep with a slight smile on his face.
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"Don't!" Tanner suddenly cried, snapping Theo out of his sleep.
"What?" He sleepily mumbled, still partly unconscious. "Are you okay?"
"You're okay, right?" Tanner suddenly asked, spinning towards Theo.
"Yeah, I'm fine, why wouldn't I be? Well, except for the obvious. But I'm fine right now. Why, Tanner, what's going on? Are you alright?" Tanner stared at Theo with wide and wild eyes, seeming to calculate his words and expression.
"I'm fine, I just... it doesn't matter. I'm fine." Tanner answer does nothing more than add to Theo's utter confusion.
"What are you even talking about?" Tanner sighed, rubbing his eyes aggressively with one hand and putting the other on his knees which he'd pulled to his chest.
"I had this dream that you... you hurt yourself. Oh god, you'd killed yourself. It was- shit, Theo. That was a really bad dream. Fuck. You would never do that, right?" Theo was silent, his jaw gaped open in confusion. "Theo? Tell me you'd never do that." Words simply wouldn't escape Theo's mouth, he was too shocked. Tanner's eyes grew bigger and wilder, fear ringing the sides of them. He grabbed Theo by his shoulders, one hand finding the side of his face. "Promise me you wouldn't do that," he whispered, his worried face mere inches away from Theo's.
"What?" Tanner bit his lip nervously, squeezing his eyes quickly shut. He gently tapped Theo's cheek, opening his cool brown eyes once more.
"Theo, tell me you'd never hurt yourself. I don't know what I'd do if you did."
"Tanner, why would you even care?" Theo said slowly, the bizarreness of the situation hitting him. "I don't- you don't even like me!" His chest suddenly felt really heavy, like he was carrying a backpack full of stones. "And you shouldn't. I killed my parents."
"That wasn't your fucking fault!" Tanner's anger shocks Theo, completely taken aback. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, I'm so-" panic surged through Tanner's voice as he shifted other his hand from Theo's shoulder to his cheek, both of his big hands now cradling Theo's small face.
"It's okay," Theo softly murmured, neither he nor Tanner breaking eye contact.
"Th....Theo?" Theo nodded, confused about currently everything. "Can you... can you tell me you won't ever hurt yourself?"
"Tanner..." Theo began, looking down at his lap. "That's- that's not fair. I can't- I don't know what'll happen. I can't tell you that. It's just not fair." Theo looked back up at Tanner, a wave of guilt overtaking him at his crestfallen expression. "I'm sorry, I-"
"No, it's okay. You're right. I can't tell you not to hurt yourself because of me. I just- I want you to know that I don't want you to, okay? That, like, the idea of you doing that makes me sad. Really sad. Is that okay to say?"
"Yeah. Yeah, it's okay," Theo murmured, his eyes once again locked on Tanner's.
"Can you... can you at least promise me that you'll tell me about it? Like, before or after it happens? Or if... I don't know- if you're bleeding too much or something? Would you tell me?"
"Okay," Theo whispered, eyes still on Tanner's.
"Okay. Thank you. I just- I worry, you know? And please, please don't kill yourself. Please."
"Okay," Theo repeated, refusing to look away from the boy in front of him.