"Lauren, are you sure?"
Jake was breathing heavily as Lauren sat on top of him in the back of his SUV. They were parked two blocks away from his house in front of a vacant building that used to be the pharmacy. It was dark except for the occasional flicker of the broken street light. They had their first kiss there several months ago. They still liked to park and talk. Actually Lauren had started to notice that Jake did most of the talking as she didn't share any of his favorite bands, and he hated watching all of her favorite TV shows.
"I'm sure," Lauren said after a split second of hesitation, and she watched as Jake unzipped his jeans.
When she got home; she went upstairs to wash her face. She stared at her face in the bathroom mirror, and her skin looked paler than it usually did. Her eyes were wild. She looked scared she realized as the cold water ran. She sighed heavily and splashed the icy water over her face before getting out her toothbrush. She couldn't stop thinking about him being in her mouth. She hadn't even known what she was doing except for the few porn videos she glanced at in moments of curiosity.
"I think I'm sexually stunted," Lauren said to Wren as they got ready for the winter formal in Wren's large bedroom.
Jake was picking the two of them up since Henry would be an hour late from his new busboy job. Wren was hoping this one would stick. He'd lasted a week already which made her hopeful. He wanted to pay Joan back for all she had done for him although Joan said that he didn't owe her anything, but Wren said he was adamant.
"Why?" Wren asked as she curled her hair.
Lauren felt embarrassed as she hadn't even meant to say anything, but she felt so comfortable in Wren's bright pink bedroom filled with stuffed animals and memories that it slipped out before she could stop herself.
"... Jake and I have been fooling around a lot lately," Lauren said with hesitation.
"And?"
"It's... okay," Lauren said after a moment.
"What have you guys done?" Wren asked; her eyes shining bright in anticipation of gossip.
"Not as much as you and Henry."
"So was it just hands or oral?"
"Yeah," Lauren said awkwardly. "Well, both. I did it to him, I mean."
"He doesn't reciprocate?"
"Well, no," Lauren said.
"You say it so obviously. Guys can do that, you know?"
"I know that!" Lauren said and felt insulted. "I'm not an idiot."
"Okay. So it was bad for you?"
"No," Lauren said and paused. "It wasn't bad. I felt excited actually, but it still..."
"It wasn't anything amazing."
"Yeah."
"Well, that isn't surprising. The excitement is for him in that one. Maybe you guys should try some more stuff. Some things for you, you know..."
"Yeah, maybe. I think I'd just feel uncomfortable. I feel so confused about it."
"Or as we've said you're not attracted to Jake. Maybe you should mess around a bit with other people."
Lauren smirked. "Yeah, I'll find a few guys and test them out."
Wren grinned at her in the mirror as she went back to curling her hair. "I think you're done with Jake, honestly. You guys are okay friends, but you've never been attracted to him, and you're always complaining about how anything sexual with him is awkward. Plus you've said talking to him is boring. I think you should branch out. He's leaving in two weeks anyway."
Lauren felt sad thinking about ending things with Jake. "I love him though."
"I've always seen you two as more good friends," Wren said with a shrug.
"So you think I should break up with him?"
"If you're unhappy you should."
"I'm not unhappy. Well, I'm not happy, but..."
"Being boyfriend less is scary," Wren finished with a smile playing on her lips.
"It isn't that," Lauren protested. "I'm not afraid of being alone."
"Of course you are," Wren said. "Anyone who isn't in a relationship in our circle is pitied and looked at like something is wrong with them. Look at how the girls at church treat Hope."
"Hope is a bitch so I'm not surprised she hasn't found anyone."
Wren looked shocked.
"I'm sorry," Lauren said after a moment.
"What happened there, or is it the old stuff?" Wren asked.
"Nothing," Lauren lied. "I'm just tired of her. I don't think Hope is a great friend honestly, and I think I'm better off without someone like her. She's always negative, and she hates Joan so why bother with her?"
"Because we've known her since we were kids, and we love her?" Wren asked, and she looked sad. "We've all been friends for so long."
"Yeah, I know" Lauren said softly as she stared at herself in the mirror; her hair was done, and they were waiting for the sound of Jake's SUV coming down the long driveway. "So have you figured out where you're moving to?"
"Nah, not yet," Wren said. "Dad is letting up a bit since I threatened to leave. They still have me on curfew, but now I just lie and say I'm at Hope's all the time. My Dad trusts her so it works."
"So Hope lies for you?"
"Hope can be a bit much, but I still love her, and I'm still hopeful she'll get out of this funk or whatever she's in now," Wren said cheerfully. "You have to give people chances, Lauren. I know Hope is pissed about this Joan stuff, but she'll get over it. Blocking her from our lives isn't going to fix anything. She needs us or she's stuck with Ruth and the other girls from church."
"She deserves them," Lauren said under her breath as Wren went into the bathroom to get her pink lip gloss.
"There's Jake," Wren said from the bathroom as the sound of Jake's SUV could be heard from outside. "I'm glad my parents aren't home because they get so depressed whenever they see Jake and Alex. They really wish I would end up with a guy like that. You know, someone who goes to church, and who is from a good family that they know."
"Henry is a million times better than Alex."
"Tell me about it. I sometimes wish Ruth wouldn't marry him," Wren said as she came out of the bathroom, and she looked slightly guilty for finally admitting she didn't like Alex although Lauren always suspected. "I know that sounds awful, but I honestly don't think he's good enough for her. I don't think he respects her enough. Her opinion is like an afterthought to him."
"He talks down to her a lot too," Lauren said. "I've started to notice that. Ruth gets on my nerves, but I think she deserves better too."
"And so do you," Wren said quietly. "I know you love Jake, but you seem unhappy."
"It's just me that's the issue in my situation," Lauren said. "I really do think I'm... you know..."
"Sexually stunted," Wren finished her sentence as they headed down the stairs together; Wren in her purple gown with Lauren in her red, crushed velvet mini-dress.
"I think it's a mental block," Lauren said. "Maybe I need therapy."
"Maybe," Wren smirked. "What does Joan say about this new sexual development in your relationship?"
"Oh, I haven't told her," Lauren said.
Wren looked surprised. "I thought you guys told each other everything?"
"No, not everything," Lauren said.
"She probably doesn't know any more about sex than we do honestly," Wren said. "She never brings home guys or anything. I asked Henry about it, and he just shrugged it off."
"Hmm," Lauren said as Jake knocked on the front door as they were getting their hand bags.
The ballroom was beautifully decorated in white and blue snowflakes, tons of beautiful, streaming ribbon, and people were snapping pictures already as Lauren and Jake walked through the crowd to find their group of friends. Lauren spotted Ruth standing in her engagement party dress with Alex, Hope and a tall redheaded boy who Lauren guessed was Hope's date.
"You look beautiful," Ruth said as she hugged her sister. "That old dress of mine is perfect on you."
"Oh, thanks!" Lauren was surprised. "You look beautiful too, sis."
"Oh and this is James," Ruth said. "I set him and Hope up for tonight.""
"Hey," James said, and he waved as he awkwardly stood at Hope's side. His pale blue suit looked especially horrible next to Hope's orange gown that Lauren recognized as Wren's senior prom dress. It was too large in the chest, and it was dangerously low because of Hope's posture. She looked defeated, and she stared into her drink as Wren chatted to Hope's date.
"Hey," Lauren said as Jake shook his hand. "Hi Hope."
"Hi," Hope said, and she barely glanced at Lauren, and then she went back to her conversation with Wren.
Lauren felt awkward as her friends talked, and she looked around for Joan. She was hoping to meet the mysterious Sandra. She wondered if they were only friends, or if they were getting back together. She wished she could ask Joan, but Lauren wasn't sure how to even start the conversation. Clearly Joan didn't want Lauren to know she was gay. Lauren had never been in this situation before, and she wasn't sure how to handle it.
Lauren tried to get her mind off of it, and she danced a few songs with Jake. They were getting cups of hot cider when Lauren finally spotted Joan. She was standing with a group of people, and she looked absolutely gorgeous in her dark green dress with the black shrug. Her dark hair was in an elegant up-do with two small diamond barrettes. Lauren felt her heart quicken, and she suddenly felt shy even though they planned to meet up at the ball. Joan spotted her, and she smiled and waved.
"I'm going to go say hello to Joan," Lauren said to Jake who was talking with a few guy friends from church, and their dates. "I'll be right back."
"There you are," Joan said, and she smiled affectionately as she met Lauren halfway across the ballroom floor. They hugged, and Lauren noticed the smell of apple soap again except mixed with a perfume that Lauren didn't recognize. She didn't like it as it smelled like someone else.
"I was looking for you everywhere."
"You look stunning," Lauren said quickly. "I'm not even kidding. That dress is fantastic."
"Thanks," Joan said; looking embarrassed. "You do too. You and Jake always look so perfect together too."
"Hey!" Sandra said behind them.
Lauren then noticed the girl was standing near them; the dark-eyed Sandra who was wearing a black, floor length dress, and her only decoration was a blood red flower pinned in her hair. She had her long hair pulled into a simple ponytail, and she was smiling as she stood with her arms awkwardly crossed, but she still looked flawless.
"Oh, this is Sandra," Joan said after a pause. "Sandra, this is my friend Lauren."
"I've heard all about you," Sandra said lightly; moving closer to Joan and putting her hand on Joan's upper arm. "You're the one who has been helping Joan with the house, right? You guys have done some great work."
"You've seen it?" Lauren asked before she could stop herself.
"Oh, of course," Sandra said. "I love that place. We always talked about moving into a house like that right, Joan?"
"... Yeah," Joan said moving so Sandra's hand had to drop off her shoulder. "Is that cider? I think I'm going to get some."
"Yeah, they're serving it over there," Lauren said, and pointed to the refreshment table. "I'll come with you."
"I'll be back in a second," Joan said to Sandra who looked affronted.
"She seems nice," Lauren said after they had gotten Joan a glass of cider.
"She isn't," Joan said bluntly.
Lauren was surprised at the response. "Why are you friends with her then?"
"It's complicated," Joan said after a moment; looking vulnerable as she sipped her drink.
Lauren didn't ask any more questions, and she was dragged away a few minutes later because Jake wanted to dance. She didn't want to leave Joan behind, but she was with Jake, and he would be leaving soon for Brazil. She felt obligated to spend as much time with him as she could. She watched as Joan went back over to Sandra, and the girl in the black dress put her hand on the small of Joan's back as Joan rejoined the circle of chattering friends. She moved her hand up and down Joan's back, and Lauren knew then they were definitely more than just friends.
It was late in the evening now, and people were starting to go home. Ruth left hours ago; complaining about an upset stomach, and Wren left to pick up Henry after his shift at the restaurant. Jake and Lauren decided to dance one more song and leave. A few of their friends were getting together at his house, and they were going to shoot pool and hang out. Lauren lost track of Joan by then, and she wondered if she had left with Sandra. The thought made Lauren furious, and she couldn't stop thinking about her hand on Joan's back and the look on Joan's face when she talked about Sandra.
Jake and Lauren started towards the doors after their last dance. It was a romantic evening for Jake, and Lauren knew he was enjoying her undivided attention. She hadn't been able to stop thinking about Joan though. They were almost outside when Jake spotted a few friends from church that he wanted to invite to his house. Lauren said she would meet him in the car, and she continued outside.
She spotted Joan's van near the entrance, but no one was inside. She was disappointed, and she started towards the alleyway near where Jake had parked his car as there had been few spots left when they arrived. She was surprised to see Joan deep in the alleyway as she sat on a concrete block and smoked a cigarette.
"What are you doing out here?" Lauren asked; her voice echoing loudly in the empty alleyway.
Joan looked up in surprise; she had been staring at the ground. "Oh, I was just taking a break from in there. Sandra is still dancing with some of her friends."
"I was just leaving," Lauren said as she walked towards her friend. "You are going to ruin that dress sitting on wet concrete."
Joan shrugged.
"Are you okay?" Lauren asked. "You don't seem to be having the best night."
"I shouldn't have come with Sandra is all," Joan said after a moment. "We don't even get along most of the time. All we do is argue. I don't know why we bother being friends."
"I'm sorry," Lauren said as she pulled up a concrete block to sit beside Joan.
"You're going to ruin your dress now."
"Oh well. It's old."
Joan smiled as they sat shoulder to shoulder. "Did you have a good time?"
"It was a nice night," Lauren said even though she hadn't.
"You looked preoccupied dancing with Jake."
"I had something on my mind," Lauren admitted.
"What?"
"Nothing," Lauren lied. "It isn't anything important..."
"Are you guys having issues?"
"No."
Joan gave her a look as she took a drag off her cigarette.
"Okay, a few issues. I don't want to talk about it though. It's boring, and nothing we haven't gone over before."
"Alright."
Joan was an easy friend, Lauren thought as they sat side by side. Joan's head rested on Lauren's shoulder as they sat on the uncomfortable concrete blocks, but it didn't seem to matter. They were together, and Lauren wished she spent her night with Joan instead of glaring at her across the dance floor. She couldn't stop thinking about Sandra's hand on the small of Joan's back. She felt a flame of jealousy in the pit of her stomach, and it scared her. She was though. She was jealous. She'd never been jealous before, she realized.
"Are you okay?" Joan asked after a moment; lifting her head to look at Lauren.
"I'm fine," Lauren asked. "Why do you ask?"
"You tensed up."
Joan's face was very close to Lauren's as they sat in the dark alley. They were side by side in evening gowns, and their matching black heels they picked out together a couple of weeks ago during a shopping trip.
They could hear the sound of the dripping of water behind them from the drain sprout, and the muffled sound of the music inside and people getting into their cars in the parking lot. There was the echo of girls laughing who clearly enjoyed their night, and it would be something they talked about for a long time. Joan's hand held her shrinking cigarette, and her green eyes stared into Lauren's dark brown as they sat in the dark, quiet alley together.
Lauren suddenly kissed Joan on the mouth. It was a firm kiss that echoed in the alleyway. Joan fell back in surprise, but she quickly recovered. The kiss was strongly returned. There was the slight tinge of cigarette smoke in the kiss, but Lauren didn't mind. They kissed for a few seconds; both of their hands in the air as if neither of them knew want to do. It awkwardly ended in a loud smack as Joan finally withdrew.
"... So you like me?" Joan asked in a whisper; her green eyes staring into Lauren's.
"I... no," Lauren said just as quietly. "I don't know."
"...Then what the hell was that?"
"I don't know." Lauren admitted; her face was on fire, and she was so sexually aroused it scared her. She had never felt anything like it before.
"So... you know that I'm gay?"
"Yes."
"Who told you?" Joan swallowed hard.
"Hope."
"When?"
"It wasn't that long ago," Lauren said. "We got into a big fight about it."
"Oh. So was this like... a test, or an experiment?"
"No," Lauren said quickly. "I... I don't know."
Joan dropped the cigarette and put it out with her shoe. "I think I'm going to go."
"... I'm sorry," Lauren said; even though she wasn't sure why.
"What are you sorry about exactly?" Joan asked as they stood up.
"I don't know," Lauren said again; her voice barely audible.
"Listen Lauren..." Joan's said; her voice softened. "A lot of people your age question. It doesn't have to mean anything if you don't want it to. I know it's a confusing time for you right now. We'll just pretend it didn't happen."
"Really?"
"Yeah," Joan said awkwardly; crossing her arms in front of her and still looking insanely beautiful in her dark green dress even in the dank, dirty alley. "Let's just drop it, okay?"
"Okay."
They stared at each other, and then Joan moved in to kiss Lauren again. This time it was softer, and Joan's hands went to Lauren's waist. It felt natural as Joan pulled her close to her, and Lauren's hands rested on Joan's. She gently pushed Lauren's middle closer to her own. Lauren heard herself groan lightly, and Joan's kiss intensified. Lauren could barely stand the tension as she pushed her body against Joan's, and Joan's hands slid up Lauren's waist.
"Lauren?" Jake's voice called through the night. "Where are you?"
Lauren broke apart from the girl in dark green so quickly she almost fell down. Joan looked startled and scared as they stood in the light rain that was now falling. It had to have been extremely cold, but Lauren felt like she was on fire. They stared at each other before Lauren turned to see Jake strolling across the alleyway.
"Oh, there you are," Jake said. "What are you guys doing?"
"I was just having a smoke," Joan said quickly; holding up the pack as if it were evidence.
"Those things will kill you."
"I sure hope so."
Jake looked unsure of what to say. "Are you ready to go Lauren?"
"Yeah, I am," Lauren said awkwardly. "I'll see you later Joan."
"See you," Joan said with a wave, and she looked so sad that it broke Lauren's heart as she let Jake being to lead her away from Joan.
"Hey, a bunch of us are going to my house to play pool," Jake said as Lauren walked towards him; she was trying to stop shaking by holding onto her left wrist with her right hand. "Do you want to come?"
"Um, no thanks," Joan said. "My friends are waiting for me inside."
"Alright," Jake said. "Don't stay out here alone, alright? You never know what kind of creeps could be out. Let us walk you back in."
"Oh no, I'll be fine," Joan said. "Thank you though."
"Are you sure? Well, we'll see you later. You look gorgeous by the way. All my guy friends were talking about the girl in dark green. I'll have to introduce you to them sometime."
Joan just sadly smiled as Lauren walked away with Jake; hand in hand.