Sirius Black was, in Remus's opinion, the worst person on the face of the planet. He didn't give up as the days went on and by Friday Remus was ready to just whallop him.
Just leave me alone, he thought miserably as Black dogged his steps out of the classroom for the millionth time. Just listen to Potter already. He wished Potter would physically stop his friend from bothering Remus but Potter just followed along, seeming more amused than anything else from Black irritating Remus. Remus thought Potter finally realized how annoyed Remus was getting and that's why he didn't bother stopping Black.
"See you later!" Black said when they reached the library, and Remus disappeared through the doors with absolute relief that the two idiots were banned and he could have some freedom.
But then Pettigrew came in, nervously looking around as he wandered through the aisles and headed right to Remus. "Um, Sirius said to give you this," he said and set a wrapped present down.
"Ugh!" he groaned when he saw an ink pot sitting inside the little box. "Give this back to him." Remus shoved the ink pot to Pettigrew who looked at it in confusion. "Tell him I don't want it. Or--or keep it for yourself, I don't care."
Pettigrew picked it up, studying it as if he had never seen one before. "He really wants to be friends with you."
"I don't care, I don't want friends, you can tell him that too," Remus said.
"Why not?" Pettigrew lowered his hands and stared at Remus with wide brown eyes. "I didn't really have friends before Hogwarts either, you know. All the kids back home teased me." He began turning the ink pot around in his hand as he studied it, reminding Remus a bit of a rodent. "Mum and Dad had me go to a Muggle school before Hogwarts cause they said they wasn't sure if I'd go to Hogwarts and wanted to be sure I had an education and everyone bullied me there. But now I have friends! James and Sirius are really cool, you know."
Remus kept his mouth shut since he wondered how much of a friendship they really had. Sometimes it seemed like Pettigrew was just chasing after them all the time and they only gave him attention when they needed him to do something for them, or needed a guinea pig.
"Did you go to Muggle school?"
"No," Remus said hesitantly. "I was... kept at home..."
"Oh." Pettigrew finally set the ink pot down. "Did you ever know anyone?"
Remus swallowed a bit heavily. "N... no," he admitted. "We kept to ourselves..."
"Oh. Sirius says you're too scared to have friends."
Remus raised his eyebrows, though he already knew that. "I am not scared, I just--just don't... need friends."
"Everyone needs friends," Pettigrew said as if it were the most simple, obvious thing in the world, and it sorta hurt Remus's chest. "If you don't wanna be friends with them you can be friends with me!" Pettigrew gave him such an earnest smile that Remus couldn't help but smile back. "I know I'm no where near as cool as James or Sirius so I know it's not as good a--err... you know, it's not as, uh, fun, I guess."
"You're better than them, you know," Remus said and Pettigrew just stared. "They're both egotistical, narcissistic, supercilious braggarts."
"I don't think I know what those words mean," Pettigrew mumbled, going a bit pink.
"Stuck-up, braggy snobs."
"They're not!" Pettigrew argued. "I mean they are a little, I guess, but they're both really fun. You should hang out with us again. You had fun playing cards, right? But then you started ignoring us--er, them, I guess, for no reason--"
Remus closed the book he had been reading and leaned forward. "It wasn't for no reason. I found out what he called Struthers and frankly, I have zero desire to have anything to do with someone who says such a thing!"
Pettigrew tilt his head to one side. "Huh? Struthers? What did he call Struthers?"
"I'm not repeating it!" Remus glanced around then bent in close. "The 'm' word."
"M?" Pettigrew's face scrunched up.
Remus leaned in so close their faces were hardly an inch apart. "A bad word for Muggleborn?" he whispered.
Pettigrew's mouth hung open a little and for a second Remus wondered if Pettigrew didn't know about it. "That? That was weeks ago."
"So?!" Remus sat back in his chair, folding his arms. "He could have said it a year ago, it doesn't make it any better!"
"But he--"
"Are you really defending someone for using that nasty word?!" Remus felt cold creeping through his body and he no longer wanted the third stooge to be near him. "If you are, go away.
"No, but--"
"Go away!"
Pettigrew's face fell then he looked annoyed. "For a know-it-all you can be kinda dumb." He grabbed the ink pot and stood up. "Cause getting mad at someone without knowing what really happened is stupid." With that he left the library and Remus watched him go, wondering what he meant by that. Struthers obviously didn't lie about that, and it matched up with the fight Spinnet and Black had after that first Astronomy lesson.
Remus just sat there for several minutes then opened the book up, trying--and failing--to read.
*
Just before supper Remus left the library and found Black waiting for him. Remus pressed his lips together in a similar disapproving-thin-line that Professor McGonagall often got, and walked past him.
"Hey, can we talk?" Black followed him. "Peter told me about what you said."
"Are you t-trying to deny what you called him?" Remus demanded, keeping his eyes forward.
Black flinched. "No, but--"
"Then no."
Black grabbed Remus's arm and dragged him off into a nearby side corridor, ignoring Remus's protests. He then pushed Remus up against the wall and put his hands on either side of him so he couldn't easily escape. His silver eyes were flashing and Remus hugged his bag to his chest tightly, thinking he was about to get beaten up.
"I said it, but I didn't mean it like that," Black said "And--"
Remus interrupted him with, "There's only one--"
"Just let me talk!" Black growled, cutting him off. Remus gulped, feeling uncomfortable with Black so close to him, with his arms penning him in. "Okay so the thing is, my... my family..." Black's brow furrowed and he just looked into Remus's eyes, having a hard time speaking. "My family... always... used that term... I--I... always thought it was just another word for Muggleborn, okay? I didn't know that it was--that it meant something worse, so I said it, and everyone went crazy, and I didn't know why, and then James explained to me and--"
Black finally moved his arms, and stepped back, running his fingers through his hair in a distraught manner. "I felt so bad. I did. I swear I had no idea what it actually meant and I went right back in and apologized to Struthers and he accepted my apology even if Spinnet didn't, Spinnet kept insisting I purposely used it when--I didn't. I just meant... Muggleborn. I didn't know."
Remus was still clutching his bag and just stared at Black.
"I know, it's stupid of me to not know but... that's what happened," Black muttered. More silence. "Could you say something now?"
Remus had no idea what to say. Struthers had even said Black said he hadn't meant it like that and Remus just assumed... But he felt kinda confused about it because Black said his family used that term all the time. What kind of family did that? He recalled the Howler Black had gotten on the first morning, and how everyone expected him to be in Slytherin, the Slytherins called him 'traitor' when he was sorted, and... Potter had said 'you're from that Black family', and Spinnet kept using Black's name almost like an insult. He felt a little frustrated at not understanding, at not fully knowing about more pureblood families so he could understand.
"I--I'm sorry," Remus finally got out. "I... should... have f-found out more before..."
The furrowed brow disappeared. "Nah, it's understandable why you just thought that way." He pushed his hair back and then began carefully smoothing it out. "Now that we've got that sorted out, let's go to supper." Black walked off and Remus stayed where he was. Black turned around when he realized he was alone. "C'mon!"
"J--just because you're n--not the jerk I th--thought you were, doesn't mean I suddenly want to be friends," Remus said.
Black blinked once then approached him again. "Why not?"
Good grief! "I don't want friends!"
"Why do you hate me?" he asked, scowling now.
"I d-don't hate you! I mean, I d--did when I thought you..." Remus took a step and nearly dropped his bag, arms slithering around to keep it held though it drooped pretty low. "But it's nothing to do with whether I hate you or--or not. I don't need friends."
Remus thought Black might say the same things Pettigrew said, or argue, or something. Instead he just went, "Okay." then reached out and took Remus's bag from him. "Let's go to supper."
"Give that back!"
"It's too heavy for you," Black said, pulling it up onto his shoulder. "How many books do you have in here?"
Remus didn't want to admit he had a hard time carrying it out of the library. "Give it back."
"Let me carry it for you."
"What is your problem?!"
"Huh? I don't have one."
Remus grabbed his bag and yanked it off of Black's shoulder, or tried to. Black managed to snag the strap. "Obviously you do, you can't understand a simple phrase. Leave. Me. Alone!"
Black tugged at the bag. "I'm just trying to be nice--"
Remus tugged back. "You're being annoying!"
Tug! "Well, you're being stupid!"
Tug! "I take it back! You are a jerk!"
Rrrrrrrrip!!! All the books, paper, ink, quills, and candy fell out, spilling everywhere and Remus's only other pot of ink shattered, sending ink splattering all over the books and their shoes. Remus and Black just sort of stared at the mess for a few silent seconds and then Remus exploded.
"LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID! YOU COULDN'T JUST LEAVE IT ALONE! YOU'RE NOT NICE AT ALL! YOU'RE AN ABSOLUTE OGRE!"
"I'm sorry--Merlin, I didn't mean--"
"NO YOU NEVER 'MEAN', DO YOU?!" Remus knelt down and began gathering everything up, relieved to see the library books had spells on them to repel the ink. His bought books weren't in good shape though and tears began filling his eyes as he saw his copy of The Phantom Tollbooth had been absolutely ruined.
"I'm sorry..." Black crouched down trying to help gather everything.
"Just go away! Leave me alone!" Remus snapped, grabbing the book Black had reached for, yanking it closer.
"I was just trying to help!"
"You can help by STAYING AWAY FROM ME!"
All of a sudden a figure appeared at the end of the corridor. It was the librarian. "What is going on?! Why is there shouting right outside my--Oh, it's you," he sneered, seeing Black. "I thought I banned you."
"You did, I'm not in the library unless you've extended the boundaries for some reason," Black replied.
Farrow glared. "I don't appreciate your mouth. And you...!" He looked at Remus. "What have you done to my books?!"
"I--"
"These are to be treated with respect and you've gone flinging them to the floor!"
Black stood up quickly. "It's my fault."
"I don't care! You!" He pointed at Remus. "Don't you even think about coming back in tonight, if you've no respect for books!" He came over and grabbed the three heavy books out of Remus's hands. "And you're not keeping these either, I'm taking them back to safety!" He marched back to the library.
Remus felt like he might spontaneously combust or something, his entire body felt absolutely burning with anger, and the wolf was digging in, panting for bloodshed. For revenge. He grabbed all his stuff, ignoring the ink spreading on his uniform, and the tattered remains of his bag, and gave Black the fiercest glare he could dredge up with was scarier than he thought he could, as there was something animalistic in his eyes that made Black take several steps back.
"STAY--THE--HELL--AWAY--FROM--ME!" He brandished his wand, caving into the desire even though he knew he shouldn't. "Rosodorus!" Then he spun around as Black began violently sneezing out rose petals, and stomped off, tears going down his cheeks as he went, feeling sick to his stomach for hexing out of revenge, feeling so guilty. Even if Black did deserve it. He gave in to that primal need that he should never give into. And using magic in the corridors again, and hexing another student again!
He went up to the dorms, hauling all his stuff in his arms and having a hard time with the stairs and the entrance to the common room. He dropped everything trying to get through and had to pick it all up again, and stomped up to his dorm and dumped it all on his bed, muttering angrily about Black the entire time. He sat down and did his best to wipe ink off his books and then tried the siphoning spell but it was a bit beyond what he knew. At least my school books aren't ruined, he thought as he checked the pages. The Tollbooth is. He flipped through the ink-sodden pages and then miserably dropped it in the trash bin. It was one of his top favorite Muggle books and it was--well, what he thought losing a friend might be like though he knew he could get another copy one day when he had the money. Still, that one had been with him since his seventh birthday.
Stupid--senseless--overbearing--BLACK! Remus set his torn bag down and tried the repairing spell but it, too, was too advanced. Maybe Pomfrey can fix it. Or McGonagall. I'm going to have to go see her... He cringed at that, terrified to see his Head of House for cursing another student. Though seeing Black sneezing those bright red petals everywhere had been funny.
After another half hour of sulking, Remus went downstairs to face the music. He sat outside McGonagall's office and waited for her to come back from supper. His stomach was in knots the entire time and when he finally saw her approaching he thought he might vomit.
"Ah, Mr. Lupin, this is a surprise. Is everything all right?" she asked as she opened her office door.
He followed her in and then just stood awkwardly, guilt chewing away at his insides. "It's ab–about B–Black, ma'am," he said.
Her half-smile disappeared immediately. "What has he done now?"
"N-nothing!" he said, dreading her thin-lipped stern look soon being about him. "It's ab–about... he, er, he w-was... h-hexed today..."
"Oh, yes, that," McGonagall sighed. "Pomfrey summoned me earlier when he showed up to be healed. That sneezing hex was quite something. Did you see what happened?
"Well... y-yes," Remus said, feeling a bit confused at how nice she was seeming if she had already spoken to him. "I did it."
McGonagall just stared at him for a few seconds then took off her glasses to rub her temples. "Pardon?"
"Um..."
"You hexed him?"
"Y-y-yes, ma'am."
"Mr. Black and Mr. Potter both confirmed that it was a group of Slytherins that hexed Mr. Black," McGonagall said, putting her glasses back on and giving that thin-lipped stern look at him finally. "Older students, that got the jump on him," she added.
Remus slowly shook his head. "No, ma'am, I–I did... it was... was me." He didn't tell on me? I just outed myself for no reason? Why did Potter agree to the story? Did Black lie to him?!
"I see. Have a seat. Do you care to tell me why you hexed him?"
He sank down into a chair and withdrew as much as he could, trying to appear even smaller, wishing he could disappear. "He's b-been..." What was he supposed to say? That Black had been nice to him and it was driving him nuts? He started with the argument, then the ripped bag, and finally Farrow banning him for the evening. "... and I g-got so mad and--and hexed Black."
"What was the argument about? Mr. Lupin? Is something going on?" she asked since he just sat there in silence.
His nose began itching and he felt his eyes watering. "N-no, ma'am."
He waited for her to take points away and give him detention, or expel him. Instead she tapped her desk and a teapot appeared. "I don't believe you," she said, as she poured tea into two cups that she conjured up.
What? "P-P-Professor..."
She pushed one of the teacups over then took a sip from the other. "Mr. Lupin, I've only known you for a few weeks however I sense in you a better character than just hexing him just like that."
"I've h–hexed before!" he protested.
"Yes... and from what I remember that was trying to protect... actually, Mr. Black, no?"
"Y... yeah... bu-bu-but... Professor, I hexed him, I did, and I sh-should be in trouble!"
McGonagall took another delicate sip of tea. "You are, don't get me wrong, however I wish to know the entire story."
They had a bit of a stare off and Remus finally averted his gaze. "Th-that's all there is."
"Very well. Five points from Gryffindor."
"Professor, I–I d-deserve more than that," he said.
"Perhaps. If I knew the whole story I'd be better able to dole out proper punishment." Then McGonagall blinked and began slowly shaking her head back and forth. "This is probably the first time I am withholding detention to get information."
"F–fine," Remus grumbled. "He's been--bothering me. Nonstop this week. Always r--right by me and trying to... talk to me and he wouldn't s-stop and... my nerves w--were frayed."
"Has he been bullying you?"
"N–not really," he finally answered, feeling stupider with each word. "He's been... t-trying to be nice to me and... yeah..."
"Hmm. And your response to all this was to hex him."
"I..." He felt embarrassed. "The l--library is all I have, ma'am," he whispered, fingers twisting into his shirt, realizing then he hadn't changed so there was still ink on him. "I know I sh-shouldn't have reacted like that, but I w-was so frustrated by everything."
McGonagall looked him up and down. "What do you mean the library is all you have?"
"I--I spend as much time as I can there," he answered. "It's..." How was he supposed to explain? "Books are--my... friends."
There was a stretch of silence and McGonagall folded her hands on her desk. "Mr. Lupin, I try not to pry too much into the lives of my students however I must ask, are you... insinuating...?"
Remus bowed his head. "I d-don't have any r-real friends, ma'am." Except maybe Lily. He still wasn't quite sure about that.
"There are five boys in your dorm, are you telling me not one of them has tried to befriend you?"
"Th--they've tried, ma'am, but... I c-can't have them. It's t--too risky." He shifted around and then began trembling. "It's okay, I c--can deal with it. The loneliness, I mean." A look of distress crossed her face and Remus felt worse. "P-Professor, I came here f-for my punishment. Not--this. Please."
McGonagall stood up and walked over to the window, hands clasped behind her back as she stared out at the lake. Remus waited with apprehension, hoping she'd just... punish him and let it go. Please. He heard her muttering to herself about friends and being alone and feeling worried. Then finally...
"A night of detention and fifteen more points from Gryffindor, making it a total of twenty." She gave yet another sigh, this one full of disappointment. "We were already behind everyone else."
"I'm s-s-sorry..."
"You have the grades to make it up, Mr. Lupin." McGonagall looked over her shoulder, that smile on her face that Remus liked so much, that made him feel better about himself. She smiled at so few people and the fact he was one of those... And seeing it now made him feel better.