*unedited*
"For most of you, this is probably the first time you've ever heard me speak."
Dean looked at the huge crowd in front of him. All seniors were joined by their parents and friends, which meant that the audience was immense. Dean was absolutely terrified, but he did continue when he locked eyes with Castiel, who nodded encouragingly from the crowd, sitting next to Chuck.
As Bobby had said at the funeral, Sam and Bobby were there too, sitting further back. He recognized the two of them instantly, feeling uncomfortable as he felt their gaze in him. He cleared his throat due to the lump that had appeared in his throat upon noticing their attendance and quickly looked away.
"For those of you that don't know me, my name is Dean Winchester. I moved here to finish my senior year. At the age of four, I lost the ability to speak in an- accident and until today there's not been a day where I liked the burns on my body as a result. I hid them from the world but most importantly; I hid them from me. That was until someone had taken pictures and spread them to the school. I'm not going to call names, but I'd just like to say that I forgive them."
Dean looked directly at Ash as he spoke, earning a small smile and a nod from the boy. Dean noticed people whisper and parents look around accusingly, which eased his nerves slightly.
"Everybody looked at me like I was trash afterwards. Like I was contagious. I heard whispers, snickers, laughing and if it wasn't for my boyfriend, I definitely would have moved again. And before you scold your kids once you get home, what's done is done. It's not necessary. They know what they did and hopefully they'll regret it.
"And besides, without most of you, I wouldn't be talking here today. My boyfriend helped collecting money for my surgery and most of the students helped. Maybe it was pity, maybe it was guilt or maybe it was for serious philanthropic reasons, but I'm eternally grateful for your financial and emotional support. Especially after losing my father a couple of months ago.
"I'm not going to speak of how amazing school has been, because it's not. It's a struggle to find who you are, to find out who you can trust and learn from your mistakes. And maybe learn something educational along the way," Dean joked, smiling at Charlie, who looked at him proudly and put her thumbs up.
"It's a time with ups and downs, disappointment and success, love and hate, and I believe that I've definitely grown on these aspects. Anyways, congratulations to everyone that graduated," he said, before stepping away from the microphone. He squinted his eyes, smirking a little before taking one step forward again. "Oh, and I'm not that scary. You can talk to me without going to hell. Thank you."
It started with a single person clapping, which Dean noticed was Ash. He smiled gratefully, looking down when even more people began to clap. He watched in amazement when students started standing up, leaving him there uncomfortably. He thanked them once before stepping off the stage. He was greeted by a big hug, immediately noticing that it was Castiel.
"You did great, babe," the jock mumbled, before pulling away and pecking his lips twice.
"Thanks, Cas," he whispered, looking around anxiously when he saw everyone staring. He made eye contact with multiple parents, who merely smiled. "People are staring," he mumbled, causing Castiel to smile.
"You're not gonna tell me that you're worried about some stares after giving one hell of a confident speech a few seconds ago. Let them stare," Castiel replied, raising an eyebrow. Dean chuckled lightly, gesturing for them to return to their seats.
They watched and listened how principle Ketch gave one final speech, before clapping when he finished. The two boys walked over to Kevin, Charlie and Jo,
"What's up, bitches!" Charlie said excitedly. She hugged Castiel for a few seconds, moving to Dean afterwards. She hesitated for second, but Dean grabbed her arm and hugged her himself. After his father's funeral, they had crossed that bridge. It was now Charlie that was hesitant whether she would go too far or not.
"I'm proud of you, Deano," she mumbled, rubbing his back. Dean smiled as he hid his face on her shoulder.
"Right back at ya, Charles. Although you're smart as hell. I never doubted that you would make it," he replied as he pulled away. She smiled knowingly, thanking him. Then he turned to Kevin and Jo.
"Hi guys," he spoke quietly. They had barely engaged a conversation with each other since his father died, mostly because Dean avoided them and then exams happened and Dean never felt the need again to contact them. Kevin waved awkwardly, while Jo just raised an eyebrow. Dean sighed. "Look, I'm sorry for abandoning you. I was just in a really bad place and I just-"
"It's fine, Dean. I get it. Losing my father was hard too. I just wish you would've spoken to us," Jo replied. Dean was surprised at her sudden response. He knew that her dad passed away three years ago, but she rarely talked about that; about any personal thing, for that matter.
"Yeah, that's not really my thing," he confessed, stating the obvious. Jo laughed.
"Same."
"Eh, Dean. Can I - can I talk to you for a second?" Dean turned around upon hearing a familiar voice, surprised to see Ash standing there. An arm slid under his arm and around his waist protectively, causing Dean to smile fondly. Charlie stood on his left side, crossing her arms threateningly. The boy scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, pointing behind him with his thumb. "I can come back later if that's what you prefer?"
"They won't bite, Ash," Dean said playfully. The boy forced a smile, looking down.
"They do punch," he mumbled in return, causing Castiel to snicker and Charlie to bite her lip in amusement.
"What did you want to say, Ash?" Dean asked, trying not to laugh himself. The boy shrugged.
"That I'm sorry. That I'm stupid. That I would take it all back if I could," he started. Dean's amusement changed into a kind smile as he spoke. "I mean, I fucked up your future, your privacy."
"Ash," Dean interrupted him. "I graduated, didn't I? And I've got my future right here." He gestured to Castiel, who kissed his temple as a response. "If anything, I'm better because of it. Besides, like I said before, I forgive you. That doesn't mean I'll ever forget what you did, but I do forgive you."
The boy nodded gratefully. Someone called his name, probably Ellen Harvelle, Jo's adopted mother.
"Ash, what did I say about stepping near the poor boy ever again?" the woman spoke threateningly, pointing her finger in Ash's direction. Dean watched in amusement how Jo's mom began to lecture him.
"Miss Harvelle, he just wanted to apologize. Please don't punish him for something that's in the past," Dean said while wriggling out of Castiel's protective grasp. The woman smiled kindly in his direction. It reminded Dean of a slightly thinner, brown haired, Texan version of miss Weasley, which was both fun and terrifying to notice.
"That's too kind of you. He surely doesn't deserve that. Anyways, if you'd like to go to our diner sometimes, we do have some great burgers," the woman said. Despite the confusing change of topic, Dean did take a mental note to do so.
"Mom, you're not making any sense. I'll take him sometime. Now, could you please go?" Jo asked irritably, causing Dean to nearly start laughing right there. Her embarrassment was relatable to his own memories, as was her mother's enthusiasm. As Jo walked over to her mother to whine and Kevin and Charlie were discussing about Universities, Dean turned to Castiel, who pulled a weird face.
"On second thought, a future with you sounds terrible," Dean said playfully. Castiel scoffed and hit his arm.
"Sometimes I regret you having your voice back," he groaned, earning a mischievous look from Dean. The nineteen years old walked a little bit closer to the younger boy.
"That's not what you said last night," he whispered. Castiel gasped.
"Dean Winchester, what happened to you," he said dramatically. Dean laughed, a sound that Castiel loved now more than anything and reached to hold his hand.
"I believe you happened," he replied cheekily, earning the same sentence back in a mocking manner. He kissed Castiel's cheek gently. He bit his lip, contemplating whether he should ask a question that had been roaming through his mind for a few minutes now. He decided upon doing so.
"Hey, um. Did you call Sam about the graduation?" Castiel stopped and looked at him in confusion.
"No I didn't, I suppose dad called Bobby about the date and time. I didn't know that they were going to be there," the boy admitted. Dean swallowed deeply.
"I don't think I can talk to him, Cas. What if he's still angry with me? What if he still blames me? Hell, I still blame me," Dean mumbled. Castiel's worry grew upon hearing him say that. He reached for his other hand and held onto it tightly.
"You still think that?"
"I will always think that," Dean once again admitted. "But I'm gonna be fine. Someday, I'll be fine." Castiel squeezed his hands reassuringly, kissing his forehead.
"Maybe talking to him will be good. Besides, Bobby said that too, right?" he suggested. Dean bit his lip, looking over Castiel's shoulder to see the devils approaching. He took a deep breath, before stepping their way.
"Hey," he said, once he stood before them, cursing inwardly when his voice cracked. Bobby looked at him as angrily as he always did. He was Bobby after all. However, he was absolutely terrified of looking at Sam.
Surprisingly, that wasn't necessary, because the boy threw himself in Dean's arms. Dean felt himself tear up, placing his arms around Sam's shoulders. The boy had grown in the months that they hadn't spoken, and was now reached Dean's nose. He was definitely going to be tall. He felt tears roll down his own cheeks when he felt Sam shake in his arms.
"I'm so, so sorry for leaving you alone," Sam cried out. Halfway through his sentence, Dean pulled away and wiped some falling tears away from his little brother's face. "I was just so afraid and angry and without you he would've died without saying goodbye. Then Bobby took me in and I missed you so much and realized how you always cope with losses horribly and I'm so sorry."
Dean's heart ached upon hearing his brother's rant. He was crying uncontrollably, and Dean knew nothing but to hug him again. He placed one hand in the boy's head and one behind his back.
"How have you been, boy?" Bobby asked. Dean moved the hand on Sam's back comfortingly while looking at his godfather.
"Good," he lied. Bobby saw straight through that lie, but had no chance to pick up on that, because Castiel started talking.
"He barely spoke to me for three weeks before opening up about what happened. He didn't eat properly for months, vandalized the Impala, built it back together, repeated that, was angry all the time until he broke down about two months ago and he nearly cut off his burned skin while having an anxiety attack. That's a summary of how he's been."
"Seriously?" Dean whined, turning to Castiel, who just shrugged.
"It's the truth," he replied. Dean rolled his eyes, despite knowing that his boyfriend was right. Sam looked at him with sad, tear-filled eyes.
"I'm not the only one that deals with loss horribly, Sammy," he replied with a sad smile on his face. "It's just how we learned to cope with things like this, and it sucks. Can you just promise me one thing?" Sam nodded quickly, wiping away some falling tears.
"Will you promise me not to ever think it was your fault ever again?" he asked, looking in his little brother's eyes, searching for the answer.
"I will try," the boy sniffled . "Will you promise me too?"
"Yeah," Dean lied through his teeth, forcing a reassuring smile. Sam seemed to buy it, which was the most important. The boy hugged him again, and Dean's expression only changed when his brother could no longer see him. He frowned, staring into nothing.
He couldn't promise to not take the blame for his father's death, but if Sam believed it, Dean had nothing to fear. As long as they were united, Dean couldn't wish for anything more. Well, anything that was realistic and realizable, of course.
It was going to be a long road to become his old self - better than that even. It would take time and patience, some of which Dean didn't really possess. But together with Sam and Castiel, he felt like it would be possible.
For the first time, he could vision himself in the future; happy.
~ five years later ~
Dean eyed his snoring boyfriend fondly, forcing to keep his eyes open and onto the one he loved, because it was better than sleep. He twirled with the pen in his right hand and opened the small notebook in his left. He wrote down two words, smiling as he did so.
Dear Cas,
He glanced in the twenty-three years old with a small smile on his face, before continuing.
It might be weird that I'm writing this at three AM while you're sleeping beside me. It might be suspicious that you're possibly never going to see this. But I couldn't help myself.
For the last five years, you've given me nothing but love, kindness, pleasure too, of course ;), and you've shown me not only that I'm capable of being loved, but that I'm able to love myself as well - and you. Of course, babe. And I'm so proud of you for what you have achieved. You went to college, have a well paying, fun job, we're signed in for adoption and well, I'm just gonna be selfish and say that you've gotten and kept me as well.
I still remember you apologizing for your classmates and mistaking my explanation of being mute for being cute. Honestly, I think you did know the difference because who messes up a 'c' for an 'm'. Smooth motherfucker. You still call me cute though, so nothing really changed. I remember our first kiss, how anxious I was because it was my first kiss altogether. But you guided me through it, which makes you a pretty good boyfriend.
And a pretty cute one.
Another snore emerged from Castiel's mouth, causing Dean to chuckle quietly. He scribbled down another sentence when Castiel's snoring fit subsided.
One that snores, as it turned out.
I will be forever grateful for the effort you put into making me smile. I don't think I've ever told you this, but that didn't really happen until you I met you.
You have always been the one to take initiative, show me something new, and no matter how much I like that, I just wish I could do something in return. I've been thinking of something. Something special. Something - binding.
It's not like you might expect it because you keep telling me that adoption costs too much money and that we can't afford marriage as well. That's why I didn't tell you I got a promotion and that I've been saving the extra money for months. Actually, I think I'm gonna propose to you tonight. I've been trying really hard to keep this a secret.
Just like the nightmares. Yeah, you're constantly telling me how you're happy that they are gone, but they're not. I've just gotten better at hiding them. Don't be mad if you ever find out, because it took a toll on you too, and I'm trying to prevent that. You don't need to know that the nightmares are just as bad, that I still fake a smile or two. That's an unnecessary burden that wouldn't wish upon anyone.
You're an amazing man and you'll be an amazing dad sometime, I just know it.
God, this almost sounds like I'm saying goodbye or something. Don't worry, babe, I'm not leaving anytime soon. At least, not to my own knowledge. On the contrary, I never want to leave you again. It's just the thoughts that roam through my head at night when I can't sleep. It really does help me seeing things clearer.
Anyways, I'm going to try to get some sleep. Thank you for being you, Cas. Thank you for sticking by my side for so long. Thank you for fighting the fire in my mind.
I love you,
D.W.
Dean put down his pen and closed his notebook, placing it under the mattress next to a small box. He then turned over and laid his head on the pillow, watching Castiel sleep peacefully until his own eyes slowly closed.
As he fell asleep, he feared that the nightmares would return. However, he knew that no matter how burned he would be, and no matter how bad the nightmares would get, he would always wake up in a safe place.
Yet there was still fire.
That smell.
That awful smell.
The smell of burned wood, melted furniture, ashes.
And the screams.
The screams of pain of his mother.
The desperate shouts of his father.
The cries of his baby brother.
The heat.
Castiel's protective arms around him.
Safe.
Happy.
Burned.
-
A/N: As promised, the last chapter. Didn't really know how to end it so I hope it was OK!
I hope you enjoyed reading this fic! Next year, I'll start editing from the beginning :).
It's 4,5 hours until 2020 at the moment, so happy new year!