This is a request for @GuadalupeMorales479
As always, if there are any stories you'd like to see written, you can request them :)
Enjoy xx
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It didn't start out big. Namjoon would swear on it. Honestly, by the time he even realized what was happening, it was too late. It started as a few times here and there where he would feel upset about something to an unreasonable extent. He just figured the stress must be getting to him, so he started going to bed earlier. Sleep fixes all.
Or maybe not. Because within a few weeks, it started getting worse. He was having a hard time focusing on things that normally stimulated him; dance practice was hell to say the least. He never had much of an appetite and his sleep schedule was shot. The funny thing was that he'd always talked openly with his members about depression. They discussed warning signs and when to call for help.
Hell, Yoongi had shared his personal experience with mental illness to help the members understand it. Namjoon knew what it was. He knew, yet he was so reluctant to accept it. He thought he could power through it.
Think about things rationally, Namjoon. Push the emotions aside. Do your job.
That's all he ever had to do and he was determined to do it until he burned out. He was the leader. That meant manning up and leading people.
Man up, Namjoon. You've got six other boys to keep safe and happy. Man up.
He was good at thinking. He was so smart. He was able to think through everything and maybe that was the problem. He began overthinking everything. No one seemed to notice though. And he wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not because on the surface, he hid all of his feelings of negativity as far away as he could, but deep down, he wished someone would see that he needed them. He didn't really even know what he needed, but he knew he needed someone.
He found himself crying through guilt in lonely washrooms after performances. He was so sorry to the fans. He felt so bad all the time. There were instances where he found himself writing "And I just have the overwhelming feeling that I need to hate myself right now" and "I'm so tired I could die" mixed with, once, a "I just can't be here anymore. I wish nobody cared because then I would leave. I wish I wasn't a singer because then I would just fucking cut my wrists. I'd slit them. I'd make them into neat red lines. Hundreds of them. Everywhere. I'd decorate myself like a painting. I wish no one cared. If no one cared, I could just leave without a trace. Please. Let me leave." That one scared him a bit. He was scared of what would happen if he kept getting worse: if he continued to think like that.
There was one time when he took Taehyung out to the market. His dongsaeng was always so vocal about loving little knick knacks and market food, so Namjoon decided to treat the second maknae. His members were amazing and he always got more joy being nice to them than he did attempting to be nice to himself. And Taehyung was so happy.
He bounced around from stall to stall exclaiming, "Look at this, hyung! Look at this! Isn't this cool?"
Namjoon nodded, but mostly agreed to feed his dongsaengs joyous waves. Namjoon was pretty happy as well. He often felt bogged down by sadness, but flanked by a solely happy dongsaeng, he felt free. And happy.
It wasn't until Namjoon spotted a Ryan mug that he stopped.
"What is it, Namjoon-hyung?" Taehyung asked.
Namjoon's smile broadened, "Tae, look at the Ryan mug! Isn't it awesome?" He rushed up towards it, Taehyung following.
Taehyung only giggled, "Yes, it sure is." And Namjoon had a Ryan everything, but he didn't have a mug (that may or may not be because he dropped and smashed it while trying to wash dishes a month or two back). And this mug had so beautifully presented itself. How could he resist?
"I think I'm gonna buy it," he admitted.
Taehyung paused for only a split second before replying with, "well, why don't you wait Namjoon?" But Namjoon had been wanting this for what felt like so long. He had to buy it. He had been unhappy each time he had to grab a boring, old mug from the cupboard for his morning coffee. He wanted something that made him happy.
"No, no. I've gotta buy it, Tae. Hold on."
He ran up and paid, taking the bagged mug joyously from the vendor. Taehyung laughed at him a little bit and they continued on with their market shopping. It wasn't until later that night after Namjoon had spent an indulgent evening of pizza and movies squished in with his group members that he started to feel bad.
He knew it was coming. After such a good time, he was bound to be brought down, but it sucked that it had to be right when he was enjoying himself so much. He had been using his mug for tea when he suddenly clashed it down on the table, wincing at the loud noise. Everyone turned to him which made his heart beat faster. He ignored it in favour of trying to untangle himself from his bandmates.
"Sorry, guys," he winced, "I'm getting kinda tired. I think I'm gonna call it quits for tonight."
"Namjoon, it's the middle of the movie" someone remarked.
"Yeah, I know. I just- I wanna go to bed. I'm trying to catch up on sleep."
Namjoon practically stumbled over his members' legs in his haste to escape. He felt like he was going to cry; his chest was tight and his brain was scattered. They all knew that he was trying to sleep more though, so they relented. He left the second they removed themselves from him and escaped to his room.
It was then, sitting on his bed, that he tried to take deep breaths through his wallowing. His chest felt so hollow. It was then that his mind actually wandered, not restrained by the love the rest of the group always gave him. He started thinking about his day out with Taehyung. Did his dongsaeng actually enjoy Namjoon's company? Was it actually a good day or was Taehyung talking badly about it to the members right now?
That was usual. But then his brain went further. Because it always did. And one of his coping mechanisms for this depression was that he would write about how he was feeling whenever he had a breakdown like this. He only started doing this when the breakdowns got too frequent and all rolled into one. He wanted to know exactly how he was doing and why. He wanted to know the frequency of how this affected him. Not to mention that he didn't allow himself to have anyone to talk to about this, so a locked note on his phone would have to do.
If someone were to go through Namjoon's phone, they would find this exact entry hidden away with countless others in a note named "Ehem".
8:52pm
I'm just a horrible person, aren't I? I've been feeling so guilty all the time lately. I was on a high. I was so happy. Oh, God. Me and Tae go to the farmers market and I really want to buy this mug- like, a lot. Because I need a new Ryan mug. This is after the whole ordeal after I did dishes and smashed it one night (my fault), and I go on talking about how I still don't have a mug because mine broke. I tell all the members that I want a Ryan mug for my birthday. So, I buy the mug at the farmers market. But before that, Taehyung is pleading with me not to buy it. He's saying- "oh why don't you wait?" But I was so fucking dead set on buying this mug that I didn't even think. My birthday is coming up, I said I wanted a Ryan mug, I even pointed one out that I would like. So what if Taehyung didn't want me to buy the retro mug from the farmers market because he got one for me that I wanted even though it's expensive for my birthday. And I go ahead and wreck everything by buying the fucking mug from the farmers market. And holy fuck I just feel so bad- so guilty. I'm crying so hard. I've never written one of these and had to stop writing- I almost couldn't write this down because I felt too bad about it. I was crying too hard that I couldn't see the screen. I was so guilty that I couldn't put it out into words with out not being able to breathe. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
He put down his phone, but he couldn't stop thinking. How could you? How could you, Namjoon? You're awful.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
But it's so irrational, Namjoon. What are you doing? Who cries about something like this?
Namjoon panicked when the door creaked open. A little then all the way. It was Yoongi. It only took a split second for his hyung to adopt a completely worried expression. He closed the door and his made his way over to Namjoon.
"Oh, Namjoonie," he sympathized, "what's going on?" He wrapped his dongsaeng up in a hug. The leader buried a wet face into Yoongi's shoulder. The older may have been shorter, but Namjoon made himself as small as he could. He wanted to be wrapped up completely by Yoongi's embrace. He wanted to hide under it. His hyung could shield him. But the touch only made him cry harder. Yoongi rocked him back and forth a little bit, an eye landing on Namjoon's still-unlocked phone.
He kept an arm wrapped around and plucked the phone from beside his oblivious dongsaeng. He read through the first few sentences, arms tightening around their leader.
He whispered, "Namjoonie, you're okay," his face morphed with sadness. He scrolled up. But Yoongi could barely skim the words. He felt sick. Namjoon had been going through this behind his back. Behind his back. He was supposed to know when this was happening to one of the members. He was always so attentive. When did it slip? How could he have let this happen to his best friend?
Yoongi sat with Namjoon. He shushed him, hugged him, rocked him, heard the other members getting ready to go to bed. Truthfully, he had only come in here to see if Namjoon had any headphones since he left his own at the studio. Either way, it could have been fate or luck, he's glad that he walked into this room.
He's glad he was able to find Namjoon now and not when it was too late. If his dongsaeng ever hurt himself, he doesn't know what he would do.
He placed his nose in Namjoon's hair, trying to get closer, tears welling up in his eyes. He would do anything for his members. He didn't want any of them to suffer. He repeated all of the things he knew he would've wanted to hear when he had felt this way. All those years ago. He was not letting their leader succumb to this illness. That was something he knew for sure.
Once Namjoon had finally calmed down a bit, quiet in his arms, he asked, "Wanna go for a walk?" Namjoon gave a slight nod. They both stood, brushing against each other every step and put shoes on. Yoongi led the way to a quiet street not far from the dorm.
He sat them both down in the middle of the street. It was dark all around them, only Yoongi's phone light leading the way.
"Look at me, Joonie," he said, "Look at me."
When Namjoon finally met his eyes Yoongi whispered, "You'll be okay. We're gonna beat this Namjoon. You're amazing and so, so strong, okay?"
"Lay down," Yoongi ordered, settling onto the pavement.
"Yoongi, we are in the middle of a road. Cars drive here, Yoongi. This is not safe."
"It doesn't matter. Just lay down. Relax. Look up at the sky, Namjoon."
So, they laid. When Yoongi felt bad when he was younger, he would always look up at the sky. No matter where he went, he always knew that the sky was with him. It had his back in a way. The night sky was always so calming. And laying in the middle of a road was a feeling singular in nature, so amazing. He was gifting this to Namjoon.
They both knew that there'd be a long group conversation about this. There would probably be lots more tears. There would be a long bumpy road ahead. Even Yoongi still had those bad days sometimes. Namjoon would too. But at least they had each other.
There was help. There was someone and the sky watching each of their backs.